I keep wishing I could go back before I met my wife

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caiol92

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Hi there :).

I really need to share this, I hope you can help me. I'll share my story of the last 3 years, so this'll probably be a long post. In 2017, I was working in a musical instrument store, and by that year I had given up on finding someone. I tried dating apps, tried asking some girls out, but I mostly had bad luck. Also, I was still a virgin (I was 25 at the time). 

I had decided to close my heart, give up on relationships and start investing in myself. Then I met the then new cashier; I didn't actually feel attracted to her, maybe because I was stone cold. However, up until that time in my life, not a single girl came up to me, I swear. Then, she called me up on WhatsApp, asking if I'd go out with her. I was stoked.

I accepted a kiss, then we started meeting, making out... then eventually, we had sex. It was my first time, I was nervous, but it went out fine. Here's the thing, she was (and still is) my first relationship, ever. But I wasn't her first, and she already has a child (12 year old, today). That's not the problem, though.

Now here's the thing, I think I'm too much of a goodie two shoes, I can't say no to somethings and every time we had an argument and almost broke up, I felt bad for her, since she was living with her very dysfunctional family. Fast-forward to today, and I ended up renting a house with her, just a block away from where I was living (I lived with my mom, brother and grandparents, and I love them so much). Now regarding the thread's title:

I'm not happy for myself. I'm glad I took her out of her parents' house, to a better neighborhood, but that's it. I keep thinking that I never wanted this, I was just fine before meeting her, but now it's all gone. I've sacrificed a lot for her, cleared most of her debts, paid for her driver's license, her professional education (makeup courses). That involved spending all the money I had saved, and selling the guitar that I had customized.

Now I miss my guitar, I miss my peaceful life. In short, I'm not happy, and I keep wishing that I could go back.

Please, help me.
 
Hi Op hows it going .Just wondered if you ever loved her considering you got married?If so do you still love her?Does your partner share in the household bills?What is your relationship with her boy?What are the usual reasons for your arguments?Is the ex still on the scene and support the boy atall?

By the way welcome to the world of marriage and having no money..sucks doesn't it.
 
The thing is, since she is my first relationship, so I don't know if I actually know what love is. I was concerned with helping her out, with her son and etc. In the beginning, I was a little attracted to her. To answer the questions:

My relationship with the boy is good.

Her ex is not a problem between us, he lives far away, has a wife; his role is basically child support, staying with the boy every two weeks etc.

Our arguments are usually related to me being a more recluse person, trying to be reasonable with things, and also, her temper is very explosive; she raises her voice for anything. Sometimes all I want is to listen to my CDs, play video games, just relax (since I don't have my guitar anymore, those are the only two hobbies left). And she doesn't accept it, most of the time. She keeps saying "Well, if you prefer your video games, that's okay", with sarcasm. But I do most things in the house, like cleaning, cooking etc, I don't play games or listen to music all the time. Also, this WhatsApp thing is a bane for relationships, it seems. If I'm online and not talking to her, that's a problem already. However, I only talk to my family members (mostly my mother and brother), and the only two true friends that I have, one being a close friend since childhood (a guy). My social circle is minuscule.

Yes, we share the house bills.

And we're not married on paper, we've been engaged for a year and just living together.
 
This may seem a little removed from the main point of your thread but I think it is worth saying regardless.  If you aren't ever able to say no to her and also sacrifice everything you value for her then that will likely make her lose respect for you and make her exploit you. She already sounds super ungrateful and more appeasement will make it worse.
 
Apologise pumping questions at you but am at work just good to have background on relationship..

Has your partner always had a temper?Why are you doing cooking cleaning  does she work longer hours?Do you do stuff with the boy.Could you not buy a second hand guitar for the time being....maybe you could involve the boy he might be interested in music.Do you think your partner is frustrated because your not doing stuff together?
 
From what I've talked to her, this temper of hers started after she divorced, and eventually got worse after her attempts on new relationships. I'm the only one that actually evolved to this, living together.

I don't know if it's worth mentioning, but she's of Aries and I'm of Cancer, complete opposites, as far as I know. She's the opposite of me in almost every sense.

I don't do all the cooking and cleaning, but I do most of it, because our jobs have completely opposite shifts. I work from 7am to 4pm, and she works from 2pm to 10pm. When I get home, I need to have some food ready for her son. We share most of the cleaning.

I could buy a second hand guitar, but not right now. Maybe she's frustrated because on weekdays, we don't see much of each other, and I have to sleep very early.
 
Oh ok so your not seeing alot of each other..only weekends and days off.Do you do your hobbies on weekends aswell as weekday nights?If so maybe you could do stuff together at weekends for a while and curtail your hobbies..see if anything changes in your relationship.Have you got a local park where i dunno you could just do a sport ,kick a ball about all three of you .Does the boy like sports baseball , football tennis some activity and take a picnic just something simple.
 
The road not taken.

I did the same thing. Shot myself in the foot. But if I hadn't done what I did I'd probably be sitting around being miserable wishing I had gotten married. Either way you lose out.
 
You should never sacrifice everything you have for someone else.

It kind of sounds like you are just trying to keep her by "buying" her. But, by your story, it also kind of sounds like she's using you because you've never told her no. Though, without more of the story, I couldn't say for sure. She may just suck at showing you how she feels.

There's no reason you can't have a personal life and personal space just because you are in a relationship. Honestly, I believe it's kind of essential for a relationship to work. And yeah, you both will end up resenting each other if you don't change things up. Find time to spend together and find time to spend apart. The boy is 12 and assuming he is an average child, he should be able to make some food for himself, depending of course what it is. Do you have a microwave? Make extra food and freeze it. He can microwave it for himself. Also, get yourself a **** guitar.
 
Thanks for the support, everyone :D

About "keeping her by buying her", I wouldn't say that's the case. When she was unemployed and living at her parents', I just couldn't say no whenever she needed some help. As I said, in one of our arguments we almost definitely broke up. But then, the feeling that I was "abandoning" her struck me, and I thought we should give ourselves another chance (she'd already found a job by then).

I kind of regret this one, because that was my chance, since she had found a job. I spoke with my close friend from childhood, and he said that maybe I went too far by helping her move out, and that's true.

From what I can analyse by myself, the problem is that I had no experience with relationships, she's my first, and she was too bitter with her past. And here's a thought that keeps crossing my mind:

She's way more ambitious than me, when it comes to job career. I have a somewhat good job right now (it pays the rent and there's money left), and I plan to get a college degree soon. But I go one step at a time, and she's the opposite. So, I think that whenever she starts earning more than me, I'll leave.

Cold, harsh? Yes. But she managed to get the peace she dreamed of, away from her parents' crowded house... but I lost my peace.
 
Today we had an argument. She's going to work, I have me day off, and it's Father's Day where I live. She was upset by this, saying that "She's going to work and I'll have fun". What in the world was I supposed to do, not see my dad? I told her this yesterday, before we went to bed, and she said "I don't know, do something else", can you believe that?

Worst of all, she swears that she didn't say that, saying that I heard what I wanted to hear. Then, my father changed some of the plans for the day, which I told her, and she said that I changed it because of her. That flipped me out, I grabbed my phone and threw it on the couch and yelled "Check my phone, my father changed it!".

Just so you guys know, I was never like this in my life, ever. I've never yelled, I was this calm and peaceful person. She turned me into this.
 
Yes i was the same as you lol i was calm and peaceful then i met women and it all went pear-shaped.So you lost it a bit whoppee-do mate.Sometimes it's good obviously to have arguments or i dunno one half loses it situations gets things out ,lets your partner know when they've crossed the line ,then again they might secretlly like seeing that in you what do i know .Having only ever had three women in my life i dont have great experience but as its qiuet on ALL at the moment ....

Anyway with my latest and longeest relationship i've lost it during our peak argument years about six or seven times a year because my wife doesn't have a temper or i'm perfect who knows :p  .Nowadays its about twice a year because i suppose we get on so well now...anyways its not all about me its just my experience.

So why do you think she said those things to start you off?
Do you think she was pi$$ed because she couldn't be with you that day  working on a Sunday must be a bummer?Is she jealous of your good relationship with your family?Maybe she wants you all to herself ..sounds good to me if thats the case.

Having thought about it do you think you love her you got engaged must be some affection there or love to think about marriage with someone?Also as you mentioned star signs i think they can be a bit fiery so i've heard....well i did go out with one but only saw her temper near the end.. but boy was it scarey.

If you do give her the heave -ho whats the plan after that..meet another lady that hopefully doesn't argue ,good luck wth that   or hibernate with a new giutar :p only joking ;)

Anyways someone hopefully will be along soon to give you a more imformed opinion.
 

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