I made a boundary...trying to keep it!

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Fay F

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Hi everyone,

Thanks to all of you who have been so helpful! I was away for the last week or so, I have a sick pet and it was looking grim, but she's on the mend thankfully. My husband came home and we had a nice long talk. All talk all talk, no action. Same old. I really needed his help with our pet and got maybe 50/50 help. I have since decided to take on all of her care on my own, despite the difficulty.

He's been living alone, hiding away in the bedroom, sleeping all day while I take care of the pets and the household...and myself.

I'm getting used to solitude, not happy about it but getting used to it.

I, Fay, the lady who can't keep a boundary for the life of me, created a boundary and I think I'm doing a great job keeping it!

A few days ago he became very critical of me, correcting me and telling me how I was doing this/that/the other thing all wrong. He also started to bark orders at me. "The dog's at the door"...he says that, while he's sitting in the kitchen next to the door. Why couldn't he let the dog out? I'm all the way at the back of the house and he's telling me in his way to take the dog out.

So I stood up to him and told him I didn't like how he was talking to me and that I would prefer not to be corrected if he perceives I'm doing something that isn't the way he'd do it. Of course he got very angry, walked away and ignored me again for a day or so. He came up to me yesterday and hugged and kissed me and I reciprocated. Then he asked what I was doing, I told him I was cleaning up the kitchen and so he walked back to the bedroom. Alone again. Later that night he told me I wasn't participating in the relationship and that I was rejecting him. I told him I thought it was the opposite. He started to yell at me and walked away again.

I decided to make a boundary and not initiate contact with him because my history is that I always forgive too easily, give-in and that teaches him he can get away with anything and I'll always be there.

A few hours later, he asked why I was playing the game of withholding affection. I told him I wasn't playing a game, I was leaning back and waiting on him to see my value and want to be with me in a loving and consistent way. Again, he said I was playing a game and that he wasn't going to kiss my *ss to prove his love for me, that he refuses to prove his love with anyone. I told him it wasn't a game, it was my life and I needed to feel loved and respected by him. He just walked away in a huff, back to the bedroom, that was yesterday. He is a hold-out champion and he will not give in at all because (I think) he needs to win/have control over the situation. But he will lose me in the process, something I don't think he is aware of. Half the time, I feel like he doesn't really listen to what I say to him anyway. But I'm keeping this boundary and not running to him out of fear, loneliness or empathy. It's very hard though, because I'm emotionally drained and would love some human interaction and affection - but if I give in again, I'm setting myself up for more abuse...very difficult.

:(

Wish me luck! I'm keeping to myself, taking care of my pets and the house, walking every morning, doing lots of art, continuing my self-esteem course and healing program and trying to eat well.
 
Forgottendanfan said:
The man's clearly a grade A arsehole. Seriously, f**k him off.

I appreciate your honest response! I'm working on it! :)
 
You're doing great Faye, keep up the good work. What you say about him wanting to control situations via emotional blackmail, "This is how I want it or I'll be unpleasant/unhelpful/critical/withdraw", sounds like a familiar story. At the very least this is about him becoming a better person, the relationship becoming more equal and you becoming happier and more respected. If that doesn't happen then you might have to tell him to leave.
 
Good quote for you:

iu
 
Yeti1980 said:
You're doing great Faye, keep up the good work. What you say about him wanting to control situations via emotional blackmail, "This is how I want it or I'll be unpleasant/unhelpful/critical/withdraw", sounds like a familiar story. At the very least this is about him becoming a better person, the relationship becoming more equal and you becoming happier and more respected. If that doesn't happen then you might have to tell him to leave.

I agree with you 100%. Emotional blackmail...that happened again tonight. It's horrible. I'm continuing to work on myself despite his wearing me down!


Finished said:
Good quote for you:

iu

I love that thank you!!! :)
 
Setting healthy boundaries in any relationship is important.  It is not easy, but necessary for the health of the relationship.  Best wishes on your journey.
 

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