I think I was abused again.... *sobs*

[WallflowerGirl83]

My life is really stressful right now, I have so many things wrong with me. I wish I could stay at the hospital but so they could find out what's wrong with me and I'd be there laying there everyday and staying over night so they can do several tests on me. My health is at risk right now and my family think it's all in my head but I don't think I'm imagining it. They keep saying I'm coming up with new symptoms but I feel awful. If I end up dying, it's all in they're hands and they're fault for not listening to me. All of this started when I stopped taking Klonopin 0.5 mg and my doctor prescribed me something else when I told him how depressed I was once I got off of this drug but new things would happen and I believe I was withdrawing from it. I would get headaches, backaches, sensitive to light and sound, I'd get bladder infections anytime me and my boyfriend made love and nothing like this ever happened before. Before that I would get frequent urination. And that's what caused me to want to get off of the drug. Than when I smoked a cig which I ended up quitting, my hand would shake a lot. I was so happy when I started dating my new boyfriend and now he's no longer with me and I blame this on the medication. He told me that he couldn't handle my withdraws and my bladder infections that I kept getting. I really loved him a lot and cared for him and gave him a lot advice about his divorce, I helped him through things. Overtime though I began to realize that something was wrong with him, he got mad when I wanted to go home. I wanted to stay with him longer but I needed time to myself as well. After I went home it seemed like he punished me over the phone for wanting to go home early. He said several times that he wanted to date an adult woman who didn't listen to they're parents and he felt like he was dating a teenager cause my parents were still over protective of me cause I was abused before. I tried to get him to understand that but it didn't seem like he got that at all. I even told him this, anytime I wanted to be angry at him or shout at him, I held back cause I truly was scared on how he would react sometimes. He looked very intense at times, his moods would change on me. Like he went from loving me to almost hating me sometimes. When I went into the hospital to try to take care of myself, he said out loud, why does everyone leave me? Like he felt like I was going to abandon him or something.

I don't know if he has borderline personality disorder or he's a sociopath or what, I'm so confused. But I'll tell you what I know okay? I know he has a cat and his cat meowed a lot and I never saw him hit the cat or anything like that, but if the cat was noisy or loud inside the room, he took the cat outside the house and it ended up running away but coming back a few days later. He never verbal abused me or anything or hit me but he did give me the silent treatment sometimes. Once was cause he said he wanted sex from me and the other cause I went home early. I stayed at his house for like week and I wanted to go home so I could do things on my own. On Halloween we went to Halloween Horror Nights and we had fun but when I got sick and felt nausea off of a ride cause I took something for my bad stomach cause I had chronic diarrhea and took Imodium, well my stomach got a little upset when we got off the ride and at first he seemed very caring. However afterwards he seemed different and cold towards me. We walked through the haunted house and I kept looking back at him and he seemed like he was mad at me. But when I had a headache or didn't feel well at his house, he layed beside me and seemed very caring towards me. Now all the sudden he looked like he was somewhere else. After the ride was over, I wanted to go to more haunted houses and mentioned this to him and he's like I thought you were sick....and I said yeah but I feel better now. He seemed to lighten up a little bit and we went on more rides and things seemed fine but he still remained distant sometimes. But once we got at the house that's when he kept away from me and wouldn't cuddle with me during the night. I got really upset and cried, when we woke up he still wouldn't talk to me and took a shower and he said he wanted to talk to me but it would upset me, it felt like he was going to break up with me or something. I started sobbing really hard, but when we got back from his shower he seemed fine and cuddled next to me and we played this video game for a little bit. I'm thinking what just happened? Than I told him how angry I was and we ended up making love. I was angry cause I felt like my emotions were being toyed with and it was making me angry and frustrated, upset and sad. Cause I loved him and I didn't want to lose him.

He broke up with me 3 times total through out our entire relationship but he kept coming back to me and trying to explain to me how he was feeling. He told me he felt like he was bi-polar but I'm not entirely sure. There were times where he would sit on a chair and I would ask him if he was okay and he said "No, I'm in a very dark place right now." I tried to understand, I'm bi-polar and I get in dark places sometimes but he seemed like it was much more than that. He said if I seemed off or distant just give me awhile to get back and I said okay. In the back of my mind, I tried to think if he really had bi-polar or some other disorder but I'm not a doctor but I just tried to figure it out but I couldn't put my finger on it. He never verbal abused me or hit me, I would have left him if he did, but there was more to it. When he got drunk on the phone he said some pretty harsh things to me. Which lead to our 2nd break up, I don't get why he was always breaking up with me. He said he had a hard time trusting people, I know he burned himself in the past and I witnessed him hitting himself and I stopped him from doing so and I know he binge eats but he only did it every once in awhile. Deep down I was trying to get to know him, trying to figure him out cause I loved him and wanted to support him. Some people say I was abused and other people say he has some type of personality disorder and told me to stay away from him. On he phone with him once, I was acting really nice to him and talking to him and it seemed like he switched constantly on me. "Why are you being so nice to me huh?" Comments like, "I don't want to talk to you." back to...."I love talking to you." I'm like "Look I don't get you, you say you first how you love talking to me and how you want me to call you up even though were not dating cause you care deeply about me and now your saying you don't wanna talk to me?" "So which is it?" "Your confusing me." And he said Liz which is his ex wife said the same thing to him.

Lastly towards the end of us talking to one another, I told him I was trying to get out of the hospital cause I was worried for my health and I kept feeling like I was getting bit by something. I saw some bugs coming off of the bed and nobody in the hospital said they saw them. I told him this and he's like "Hmm I wonder what it is." and I told him I'm going to get checked out cause I feel like something is constantly biting me. Than towards he end he said he feels like something is biting him too..... *sighs* which really starts to bug me. I feel like I'm being lied too and manipulated by him. And he told me that I gave him scabies. And that I f*ing digust him....Do us both a favor and forget my number. I don't want you calling me anymore, I have nothing to say to you. Goodbye Sam. Enjoy your f-*d up life...... I didn't give him anything. Why would he say this? He said I was the last person he had sex with and that I gave it to him but I know I didn't give it to him. I first told him about that I was getting bit by something and than all the sudden he claims he's getting bit too. I have no idea what's going on or what type of person he is, but I'm so left confused, hurt & deeply depressed by all of this. I truly love him and supported him and now I feel like I'm being thrown away like a piece of trash. Towards the end he told me to go find someone else who will put up with my bladder infections and he see's no future for us anymore. How he loves being around me but he can't touch me cause he's afraid of giving him another bladder infection. Since I've been withdrawing from Klonopin it's making me extremely paranoid and thinking I have a STD and he said he's tired of me being so overally paranoid... so now I feel like everything is my fault cause of this stupid medication I took. I wonder if things would have been different if I didn't take it. Sorry for so long, but I had to get this out......

*More to say.... the reason why I think I have a STD cause I feel like he took advantage of me one night. He had sex with me but without a condom and anytime I tried to push him away from me he was very dominant of me and kept pushing me back. He was very strong, I feel disgusted and ashamed cause this isn't the first time that this has happened to me. And I developed a UTI and I don't think it's completely gone away yet. Having this UTI is a constant reminder of what he did to me. One night he asked me if I feel like he took advantage of me and I said no I don't think you did but deep down my true answer was yes. Over the phone one night that I had with him, I was getting a lot of yeast infections and bladders infections cause I was withdrawing from Klonopin and he said to me over the phone when he was drunk he was said frustrated with us not having sex cause of it all that he would have forced himself on top of me and had sex with me anyways and he wouldn't have cared if I said no. Ever since he said that I didn't stay at his house any longer but than he took advantage of me at my house cause he was seeing me one last time cause was giving me some things that I left at his house and I'm blaming myself for what has happened. I should have fought harder and screamed but he was so dominant of me. I'm so disgusting and if I get a STD or anything, it's my own fault.....and I probably deserve it.

Please don't delete this post. And I please hope that this thread don't get ignored. I'm truly upset about this....

 

[Danielle]

SO, to be honest, this guy sucks. I would plan to never get back with him again. Like, ever.

He forced sex on you, you didn't deserve that, nor would you deserve an STD.... its not your fault.

I'm not saying this to upset you, but it sounds like neither of you are well right now. If i were you, I would spend time with yourself, understanding who you are and what you want out of life. Once you are able to get healthy both mentally and physically, you will be able to know what you want in a relationship and what kind of person you are looking to be with.

Some people get infections when as a result of having sex. Make sure to pee before and after intercourse, and to keep up on your general hygine on a very regular basis, that can help too.

Question for you, can you go back to the hospital and get the help you need?? I think it is very important you are under the care of a doctor right now.

Anyway, please don;t go back to this guy. No guy is going to change things in your life and make you happy. You have to find a way to love yourself and find happiness within you, before you are able to be truly healthy in a relationship.

I wish you all the best and I hope you find peace soon.

 

[kamya]

There was no abuse anywhere in this post. Regret isn't rape. You aren't sure of anything in this post. Everything is a maybe and a I think. Were you raped or no? Do you want someone to convince you yes or no? This should be obvious, not a wishy washy thing that you decide on way after the fact.

I'd take a break from all men for now if I were you. Focus on getting healthy. And get tested.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

No offense but he's given me the silent treatment several times through out our relationships. I was saying at his house for 7 days and when I wanted to go home he got angry and at me wouldn't talk to me the rest of the way home cause he wanted me to stay with him longer. When I asked him why he wasn't saying anything to me he told me it's cause he was afraid of saying something mean towards me and possibly hurting my feelings. All cause I didn't want to stay a little bit longer with him?

When I got home he still was acting cold towards me and harsh towards me cause I didn't want to stay with him longer. It's like I had to explain to him that sometimes I need my space, everyone needs they're space. He ended up saying he was sorry and he felt like he was being a little bit possessive but still, giving me the silent treatment which I looked up recently is a form of abuse.

I'm going through a tough time right now, upset and kinda asking myself what in the world happened. We went from everything being amazing to him acting bizarre in the next 2 months.

And lastly I was suffering from a lot of bladder infections and yeast infections and I remember him saying that if I would have stayed over at his house again he was afraid what he might do. I asked him what he meant and he said that he was so frustrated with me getting constant bladder infections and yeast infections that he would have forced himself on top of me and he wouldn't have cared if I said No. After he said this I did stay away from him but he had to return a few things to me cause I left some items at his house and I needed them back.

I came on here cause I'm really upset and I'm going through a really tough time in my life right now. And I feel like I'm being judged by everyone now.....I wasn't aware of the silent treatment until I talked it over with a friend of mine and she told me that it was a form of abuse.

http://www.no2abuse.com/index.php/articles/comments/silent-abuse-the-mind-game-by-teresa-cooper

 

[lonelypanda]

There was no abuse anywhere in this post. Regret isn't rape. You aren't sure of anything in this post. Everything is a maybe and a I think. Were you raped or no? Do you want someone to convince you yes or no? This should be obvious, not a wishy washy thing that you decide on way after the fact.

I'd take a break from all men for now if I were you. Focus on getting healthy. And get tested.

If she didn't want it and he did it anyways, it IS rape. Someone giving into aggressive advances doesn't mean it isn't rape.


To OP

I know how that feels, with my first bf after we broke up I went to see him. It was a Sunday morning and I didn't know he was still drunk from a Saturday night binge. He forced himself on me, ripped my pants off and wouldnt take no for an answer even though I said it like 50 times. I did not want to have sex, but i gave up fighting. When I went home that day I felt so dirty I wanted to put bleach on my vagina. What happened to you is in no way or shape is your fault. He is an abuser, and tries weird tactics to manipulate you and guilt you into doing what he wants. You may love him and it's hard to see when you're in such a vulnerable spot, but this relationship is the text book definition of toxic. Things will never get better. The best thing to do at this point is move forward and work on healing yourself.

---

Some people get infections when as a result of having sex. Make sure to pee before and after intercourse, and to keep up on your general hygine on a very regular basis, that can help too.

You can be extremely clean down there and get UTI'S, in fact using soaps on your vagina can cause bladder infections. They actually make soaps specifically for cleaning down there with PH balance.

Also drink lots of water, it helps to flush bacteria out of the urinary tract.

 

[kamya]

There was no abuse anywhere in this post. Regret isn't rape. You aren't sure of anything in this post. Everything is a maybe and a I think. Were you raped or no? Do you want someone to convince you yes or no? This should be obvious, not a wishy washy thing that you decide on way after the fact.

I'd take a break from all men for now if I were you. Focus on getting healthy. And get tested.

If she didn't want it and he did it anyways, it IS rape. Someone giving into aggressive advances doesn't mean it isn't rape.

Did she make that clear? I'm not saying it wasn't rape. But I wasn't there. I'm not judging anyone. But this whole thread has been so iffy and uncertain that I can't really trust anything as fact. It's just a bunch of second guessing and maybe sortas.

Compare what she wrote to what you wrote. Your story is a lot more certain. There is nothing questionable or iffy about it. It is obvious you were abused. OP is phrasing everything like she still isn't sure about anything. If she says she was raped and abused then ok. I believe her. I just think it should be pretty obvious and not so wishy washy if that were the case.

I do think she should stay away from guys and get the physical health problems sorted out first.

 

[lonelypanda]

There was no abuse anywhere in this post. Regret isn't rape. You aren't sure of anything in this post. Everything is a maybe and a I think. Were you raped or no? Do you want someone to convince you yes or no? This should be obvious, not a wishy washy thing that you decide on way after the fact.

I'd take a break from all men for now if I were you. Focus on getting healthy. And get tested.

If she didn't want it and he did it anyways, it IS rape. Someone giving into aggressive advances doesn't mean it isn't rape.

Did she make that clear? I'm not saying it wasn't rape. But I wasn't there. I'm not judging anyone. But this whole thread has been so iffy and uncertain that I can't really trust anything as fact. It's just a bunch of second guessing and maybe sortas.

Compare what she wrote to what you wrote. Your story is a lot more certain. There is nothing questionable or iffy about it. It is obvious you were abused.

I do think she should stay away from guys and get the physical health problems sorted out first.

He had sex with me but without a condom and anytime I tried to push him away from me he was very dominant of me and kept pushing me back

She tried to push him off, more than once. I don't know about you but if I was trying to have sex with someone and they were pushing me off I would not continue to force myself upon them. Someone pushing you off means they don't want it.


To me the iffy part comes from still being in love with him and trying to be objective. Love can be beautiful, but its also like a poison and can block all rational thinking. The most irrational I've ever been in my life was when I was in love. It takes strength to move on and see clearly, once you have that clarity it's easy to see that person was not meant for you and how destructive that relationship was mentally. The hard part is letting them go so you can see that.

 

[Miki]

I'm going through a tough time right now, upset and kinda asking myself what in the world happened. We went from everything being amazing to him acting bizarre in the next 2 months.

Just as kamya has suggested, get yourself tested for sexually-transmitted infections when you can. Go to a doctor if you feel your symptoms aren't letting up.

And I agree with lonelypanda--drink lots of water. Since you are prone to UTIs, perhaps take cranberry pills or drink cranberry juice as well. They help your urinary tract and may help prevent these issues you have every time you have sex.

Finally, just as the both of them have already said, you need to stay away from him. He is toxic and you are hurting yourself more by staying by his side. I know there are reasons why you stay and reasons why you want to leave, but as it stands right now, the best choice for yourself is to be safe and free of harm, without anyone taking advantage of you or abusing you emotionally. You need to free yourself of him.

 

[ABrokenMan]

Hi WallflowerGirl83,

i know how it feels when you just need someone to listen, and not to judge you - i won't.

i have some experience, having been deeply involved with a partner who has borderline personality disorder. Unfortunately for me, I had no knowledge of this and could not understand how the girl of my dreams slowly evolved into someone who would act out impulsively and lack judgement.

I don't think your guy has this, as his mood swings seem to suggest something more akin to bipolar. A narcissist is much more aligned to having zero empathy at all, everything is a mindgame to these people, and using guilt, manipulation, etc, against you in order to enagage their 'getting off' also doesn't quite sound like your guy. The push-pull emotional behavior you relate is classic bipolar. However, the ups or downs last longer than the the other behavior. I had a girl reject my feelings once, she explained in detail that she suffers from bipolar. She did not want me to endure her moods, and said that I did not deserve her because I'm a great guy, and she would treat me like cow dung.

Engaging in relationships with mentally disordered folks is very challenging and requires a lot of "give" on the other partner. If you are someone who is co-dependent, it is even more difficult - you try and try, forgive endlessly, thinking you can be the "one" who can help them get better by being there, offering support, but you end up being an emotional and physical doormat to their behaviors. When it is good, things are storybook-like, when it goes bad, the emotional agony caused is beyond comprehension unless you have experienced the situation for yourself. I jettisoned a good friend over this, for when i needed her to just listen and be there for me in my time of need, she instead scolded me and judged me, blaming me for everything. Um, OK, so long, goodbye. She showed her true colors after a decade plus long friendship. But I digress...

Now, I'm not judging your guy, just offering some food for thought here. If it were me, i would not go back to the guy (well, girl, since genders are reversed), based on his actions. and it is hard, believe me. I still miss my ex, and there are times when it is overwhelming, the feelings of sadness, lost hopes, and promises unkempt. But I cannot do anymore for her than I have done. disordered folks (except for the narcissists) are, deep down inside, good, kind people, they just learned to cope in a manner that sabotages their personal relationships. It is almost always rooted in childhood trauma of some sort.