I think there might be something wrong with me

[HypnoGhost]

One thing i would like to say,
Take it or leave it,
Your thoughts are not your own.
That is to say that, thoughts are something that happens to us all.
The key thing to remember, and what really makes you make yourself is, how you choose to react to those thoughts. Whether you chose to act on them.
That is your choice, that is your ability.
Do what makes you happy and be mindful.
Most things are easier said thsn done.
Keep pushing yourself to be where you want to be, who you want to be and how you want to be.
There will always be haters, there will always be those who dont understand.

 

[polyp]

OP update. I did really badly last semester because of overwhelming apathy. Thankfully, my GPA wont be affected because of my uni's covid policy. I've been taking a summer class for a few weeks now and I'm keeping up with it so far.

Emotionally, I feel empty and totally depraved. I go to sleep far later than I should because of a strange compulsion to stay awake. My dislike for other people and society seems to be growing. Sometimes, I imagine I'm an alien and I'm waiting to be taken back to my home planet. I feel like I'm not even the same species as other human beings.

The way they think and express themselves is just too different from me and I can barely empathize with anybody. I'm convinced that if they knew my real thoughts and personality, they'd see me as a monster, so why should I feel anything for them? What's most frustrating is my craving for a connection to somebody else despite this alienation.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Be careful with the sexual deviant stuff, it can get very destructive without you realising.

^ I agree with this. The stuff can mess with your mind and also, it can become an addiction of its own where you stop caring about other things and just get caught up in it, and like you said, it's not something you can talk about with too many people, so in a sense, it's an obstacle to connecting with others. Plus it can leave you physically and mentally drained and apathetic to life.

The violent thoughts, I don't really get those unless I'm enraged, but not on a regular basis. What I do get sometimes is intrusive morbid thoughts. I get these thoughts where my mind tells me I want bad things to happen to people I care about, usually the sweeter and more defenseless the person, the worse my mind comes up with thoughts to bother me with. I hate this and I don't know why it happens. Usually it gets worse when I get stressed. I wish I could make it go away.

I just try to tell myself, these thoughts aren't my real thoughts and feelings, it's not "me", it's just nonsense. Sometimes that helps.

So I guess I'd tell you the same thing - maybe the violent thoughts aren't really "you", so to speak. Just your mind messing with you.

I don't know. Some of this seemed relevant to things I've had experience with. Just thought I'd throw this out there.