I want friends but i dont want "friends"

[Scuffy]

Welp i just joined this forum and for a first post ill keep it short and sweet i guess. Most of the friends i tend to make are addicts, being a addict in recovery i dont want to make friends because most of them would be addicts. i want friends but even when i dont go around any addicts those people always end up around me. so yeah i want friends but those friends always turn out to be addicts. the only exceptions are my online friends. and that sucks, i want face to face interaction again >.<

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Welcome Scuffy! Sorry to hear about your battle with addiction, I hope you find a nice network of friends who can support you soon

 

[TheRealCallie]

Welcome to the forum.
Surely there is something you could do to meet people where addicts wouldn't really go. There has to be something they are less likely to do. Maybe try new hobbies or volunteer somewhere?

 

[user 188522]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[Finished]

Welcome to the forum. I totally get that you want friends. But, you don't want friends. I'm like that IRL. It would be nice to have a friend or two. But, it would also be a pain in the ass. So, no friends it is! Ha! ha!

 

[When]

Welcome to the forum. I totally get that you want friends. But, you don't want friends. I'm like that IRL. It would be nice to have a friend or two. But, it would also be a pain in the ass. So, no friends it is! Ha! ha!

I don't understand why it would be a "pain" to you. Nor, frankly, do I believe you. None of us want to walk this life alone, nor should we. I think there's a difference between friends and acquaintances. For me, I only want deeper connections. I suppose that's the hard part for me but that doesn't mean I value loneliness. Thanks!!

 

[Finished]

I don't understand why it would be a "pain" to you. Nor, frankly, do I believe you. None of us want to walk this life alone, nor should we. I think there's a difference between friends and acquaintances. For me, I only want deeper connections. I suppose that's the hard part for me but that doesn't mean I value loneliness. Thanks!!

Well, the friends that I've had over the years all turned out to be users and takers. As soon as I stopped helping them they ghosted me. So, as long as I continually help and comfort friends, nearly always one sided, I can have friends. That's the pain in the ass part of it.

I too would like a deeper connection. I haven't been touched by another human being in about 13 years other then a few hand shakes. But, it's difficult building a realtionship especially when you've been alone for so long.

 

[When]

Well, the friends that I've had over the years all turned out to be users and takers. As soon as I stopped helping them they ghosted me. So, as long as I continually help and comfort friends, nearly always one sided, I can have friends. That's the pain in the ass part of it.

I too would like a deeper connection. I haven't been touched by another human being in about 13 years other then a few hand shakes. But, it's difficult building a realtionship especially when you've been alone for so long.

How did you help them?? Was it monetary or emotional support or both?? And did they leave you when you actually needed them?? The reason why these questions are important is to discern whether you are giving them a fair shake or if they were truly unworthy. If they were the latter, why did you seek a bond with them?? Those are the tough questions that I've had to confront. I was wondering if you've ever asked yourself the same. Thanks!!

 

[Finished]

How did you help them?? Was it monetary or emotional support or both?? And did they leave you when you actually needed them?? The reason why these questions are important is to discern whether you are giving them a fair shake or if they were truly unworthy. If they were the latter, why did you seek a bond with them?? Those are the tough questions that I've had to confront. I was wondering if you've ever asked yourself the same. Thanks!!

Financial, emotional, and I'm a handy man. Everybody needs help with stuff. I can do just about anything. It starts with something small. Then soon I'm fixing their AC. Their computer. Then their roof. Then their car. And it used to be just over beers as friend helping friends. Then I would get into a bind and call them for help and they would be too busy or give me some other excuse. Then I would throttle back on helping them. Then they would ghost me until they really needed my help. Then we would seem to be good again. Then they would ghost me again until they needed something else.

I have questioned every interaction I've had with people over my lifetime since I have so much time to think about it. I realize I'm part of the problem. I made the help balance too much for others to match. Not smart. But, I do like to help people. I think some felt guilty about it and that's why they ghosted me. Others just didn't enjoy my company and my type of humor. But, it was just fine when they needed help. I heard one talking to his "best" friend on the phone. He said something like way, so and so is here fixing the window. I'll try to get rid of him so we can shoot some pool. Ummm, I like to shoot pool too and I'm not too bad either. But apparently not good enough.

I've found I'm the convenience friend. I'm just not wired like most people. I admit I'm odd. People in general have relationships to gain something from them. Most people are selfish IMO. So, when you aren't providing something to someone then you have no value to them. And, with that you are unneeded and/or unwanted. So, they ghost you. It's human nature IMO.

I don't think I've ever sought a friendship for a bond. It always just sort of came about due to similar interests or they needed help with something. Maybe that should have been a clue. I only ever sought female companionship.

 

[constant stranger]

Welp i just joined this forum and for a first post ill keep it short and sweet i guess. Most of the friends i tend to make are addicts, being a addict in recovery i dont want to make friends because most of them would be addicts. i want friends but even when i dont go around any addicts those people always end up around me. so yeah i want friends but those friends always turn out to be addicts. the only exceptions are my online friends. and that sucks, i want face to face interaction again >.<

The only clear response I can think of is that it's essential you do not associate with any addicts ever again, full stop.
Where to meet friends who aren't part of the world you're recovering from? Join a church maybe? There's a congregation that shows up and helps at a monthly food distribution in my small town and there's a lot of former drunks, addicts and parolees who are going straight in that church. Hang out at the public library maybe...... Join a gym and start working out, the health conscious types aren't likely to be substance users.

 

[Finished]

..... meet friends who aren't part of the world you're recovering from?

Yeah, maybe you can try to target groups of people that you would like to hang around with. Then figure out a way to get into those groups somehow. It might not be easy. But, it sounds like it would be better then leaving things to chance.

People do that for work / careers (networking). They target groups of people in order to get better positions. Try that with friends.

 

[When]

Financial, emotional, and I'm a handy man. Everybody needs help with stuff. I can do just about anything. It starts with something small. Then soon I'm fixing their AC. Their computer. Then their roof. Then their car. And it used to be just over beers as friend helping friends. Then I would get into a bind and call them for help and they would be too busy or give me some other excuse. Then I would throttle back on helping them. Then they would ghost me until they really needed my help. Then we would seem to be good again. Then they would ghost me again until they needed something else.

I have questioned every interaction I've had with people over my lifetime since I have so much time to think about it. I realize I'm part of the problem. I made the help balance too much for others to match. Not smart. But, I do like to help people. I think some felt guilty about it and that's why they ghosted me. Others just didn't enjoy my company and my type of humor. But, it was just fine when they needed help. I heard one talking to his "best" friend on the phone. He said something like way, so and so is here fixing the window. I'll try to get rid of him so we can shoot some pool. Ummm, I like to shoot pool too and I'm not too bad either. But apparently not good enough.

I've found I'm the convenience friend. I'm just not wired like most people. I admit I'm odd. People in general have relationships to gain something from them. Most people are selfish IMO. So, when you aren't providing something to someone then you have no value to them. And, with that you are unneeded and/or unwanted. So, they ghost you. It's human nature IMO.

I don't think I've ever sought a friendship for a bond. It always just sort of came about due to similar interests or they needed help with something. Maybe that should have been a clue. I only ever sought female companionship.

 

[When]

Financial, emotional, and I'm a handy man. Everybody needs help with stuff. I can do just about anything. It starts with something small. Then soon I'm fixing their AC. Their computer. Then their roof. Then their car. And it used to be just over beers as friend helping friends. Then I would get into a bind and call them for help and they would be too busy or give me some other excuse. Then I would throttle back on helping them. Then they would ghost me until they really needed my help. Then we would seem to be good again. Then they would ghost me again until they needed something else.

I have questioned every interaction I've had with people over my lifetime since I have so much time to think about it. I realize I'm part of the problem. I made the help balance too much for others to match. Not smart. But, I do like to help people. I think some felt guilty about it and that's why they ghosted me. Others just didn't enjoy my company and my type of humor. But, it was just fine when they needed help. I heard one talking to his "best" friend on the phone. He said something like way, so and so is here fixing the window. I'll try to get rid of him so we can shoot some pool. Ummm, I like to shoot pool too and I'm not too bad either. But apparently not good enough.

I've found I'm the convenience friend. I'm just not wired like most people. I admit I'm odd. People in general have relationships to gain something from them. Most people are selfish IMO. So, when you aren't providing something to someone then you have no value to them. And, with that you are unneeded and/or unwanted. So, they ghost you. It's human nature IMO.

I don't think I've ever sought a friendship for a bond. It always just sort of came about due to similar interests or they needed help with something. Maybe that should have been a clue. I only ever sought female companionship.

I'm not a "handyman" for others, per se, just for myself. I've been surprised at how much suffering we all endure, but I think the key to riding out this life with some intermittent joy is to keep a hand out and reach, with the other firmly protecting our dignity.

As you essentially stated, our priority may be self interest. But seeing it in ourselves means that we should be able to see it in others, and give "just enough." Friendships take a long time. If somebody hurts me, at this point, I have nothing to lose by letting them know it. If they abandon me, no loss. If they don't, we're good. And if I had known that earlier in my life, I may have been able to salvage a couple of those relationships, instead of keeping silent about my disappointments and the wounds they inflicted. So I have a little faith, in as much as for whatever reason, fate landed us in this conversation. So have a good night.

Thanks!!

 

[M_also_lonely]

I thought you would be asking for friends that could spawn and disband at your will. I used to wish for this during school days.