I really do not have answers. The issue here could be debated until the end of the earth. And then, one day, someone might come along to change that.Hi everyone. I am new here.
I am not the kind of woman who believes that "all men are the same", "all men are liars" or anything like that. But unfortunately I am a magnet for deeply troubled men. This comes from my own issues: a very difficult childhood (codependency) and this kind of thing... So I click again and again with men who have deep traumas too, just like me.
The frustrating part is that I have been really doing my best for the last 7 years, starting from my birthday number 34, after I got separated and divorced, and yet I have still clicked with a couple of very troubled men during the last few years. By doing my best I mean that I have been getting closer and closer to God, trying to cultivate better and better habits, being very careful not to get caught up in unhealthy relationships (and thus being totally single most of the time), and I have been in therapy with a good therapist for 3.5 years. Actually thanks to the therapy I have seen several areas of my life get better and better: work, family, friendships... But not romantic love. It's just an area that seems to escape me in its healthy version. Like an impossible dream, an unreachable star.
So I have just had this experience where I thought I had finally met "the one" to have a healthy and beautiful relationship with, for a lot of reasons. For instance, he considers himself a very spiritual man. So I made the mistake to assume that he had strong ethical principles because of it. Well, it's not exactly the case because there's an ethical principle he doesn't value very much: the fact of being honest. For him it's more important not to disappoint his partner, than being honest. But at some point he ended up confessing several things very difficult to assimilate about his past, like the fact that his longest relationship was an exceptional secret relationship with another man. Now the troubling detail for me is not exactly this relationship being a same-sex relationship, but the secrecy, and the fact that despite this long relationship, he insists that he considers himself straight (this relationship allegedly being a total exception, a very unhealthy one)... So he's full of contradictions like this all the time, that drive me crazy, and it also drives me crazy to see the high amount of lies that he had told me in order to hide this kind of things about his past.
So here I am, single again, and wondering if maybe healthy relationships are an unreachable dream for some of us. It really frustrates me that after so many years of putting everything in God's hands, of doing my best to heal, to be a better person, to choose a partner in an extremely careful way, I still clicked with a very troubled person again.
Do you think that people like me should rather give up and stop hoping to have a healthy relationship one day? Maybe I should just accept singleness for the rest of my life. I'm already 41 after all...