It all happened so fast and I don't know how I got here.

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Jsos

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I'm sitting in my living room typing this out and wondering for the millionth time how I got here?

Maybe it was the pandemic, being unemployed, or switching jobs so often. I'm not sure. During the pandemic, I moved to another state with my boyfriend of almost two years. We didn't really have a lot of money, but we could finance furniture and the things that we needed for our new place. We both eventually found better-paying and steady jobs, so that part got a little easier, but we still struggle financially because we're both bad with money, but we're learning (slowly). We both work fully remote in our jobs. I don't want to go to an office to work. I don't think will solve anything and I think it'll add to our financial burden. We need to get out more in our spare time. We both have anxiety about leaving the house. He doesn't really drive at the moment.

We both see separate therapists to deal with our own personal issues and baggage. At the moment, we basically live as roommates. Although we share a bed, we are not intimate. I don't even remember the last time we were. Since 2019, I have gained so much weight and so has he. We're both morbidly obese and out of shape.

No matter how bad the situation gets, he always sees something positive, which I envy. Cleaning is a real challenge for us. We live in an 800-square-foot duplex with two bedrooms and one bathroom. It shouldn't be that difficult. I don't know what's going to help. We basically wait until someone wants to come over, and then we have this entire weekend of cleaning to do, and it's exhausting. I don't feel like we're always on the same page. Sometimes I feel like I do everything and other times he's there for me and puts in his weight by taking care of the house. We've had countless discussions about being partners and helping each other out. We even took time to write days and times of chores for both of us. So far, we have done nothing.

I will preface all this to say that our place isn't that bad, to where we have mold growing everywhere and roaches coming out of the walls. It's mainly just dirty laundry all over the floor and not vacuuming, not dusting, not doing the dishes in a timely matter. We're not taking out the trash when we're supposed to and not cleaning up the bathroom. If our landlord randomly came over, I can't imagine what he would think. I worry about things like that all the time. We're not doing it on purpose. It's not just the house that we don't have the energy or drive for. We don't take care of ourselves either. It's pathetic, and I feel so ashamed for living like this.

We hardly ever go out. We have our groceries delivered. I didn't use to be like this and neither did he. I don't know what happened or now how to fix it.
 
I'm so sorry to hear this,I think that you can just take life day by day,that's all you can really do.
 
Well, IMO, life real sucks right now. The down turn started in 2008 and hasn't let up. Society is in a constant state of problems with no postive outlook for the future. You are definitely not alone. I gave up on life about 12 or so years ago. The thing I'm realizing is my life right now is better then it ever will be. So, I must enjoy it right now. Because tomorrow won't be as good.

HOWEVER, at some point it's best just to accept your situation and make the best out if it that you can.

IMO, seeing therapists is a great idea IF it's one that will actually help you with what you need help with. Some people feel comfort in having a cluttered place. But, if you really want change then you can tell your therapist specifically what you want to change. They will/should help you make a plan to achieve that. It's all about small steps. Don't even think about cleaning everything up and getting back to the way you think you used to be. Just focus on a small achievable goal, accomplish it, and then make another one.

But, if you don't feel like cleaning up anything that's okay too. I really enjoy watching the TV show Hoarders. Maybe I'll see you guys on there one day.

I have been a hoarder at various times in my life. Right now I'm in the getting rid of as much as I can phase. Blaaaaa. It sure isn't fun. I've gotten really sad a few times at the stuff I've kept for decades and am now tossing in the garbage. Many things I really cherished and held in great value. It feels like part of me is going into the trash. Oh well. I have a goal and I'm going to achieve it!

Good luck!
 
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Well, IMO, life real sucks right now. The down turn started in 2008 and hasn't let up. Society is in a constant state of problems with no postive outlook for the future. You are definitely not alone. I gave up on life about 12 or so years ago. The thing I'm realizing is my life right now is better then it ever will be. So, I must enjoy it right now. Because tomorrow won't be as good.

HOWEVER, at some point it's best just to accept your situation and make the best out if it that you can.

IMO, seeing therapists is a great idea IF it's one that will actually help you with what you need help with. Some people feel comfort in having a cluttered place. But, if you really want change then you can tell your therapist specifically what you want to change. They will/should help you make a plan to achieve that. It's all about small steps. Don't even think about cleaning everything up and getting back to the way you think you used to be. Just focus on a small achievable goal, accomplish it, and then make another one.

But, if you don't feel like cleaning up anything that's okay too. I really enjoy watching the TV show Hoarders. Maybe I'll see you guys on there one day.

I have been a hoarder at various times in my life. Right not I'm in the getting rid of as much as I can phase. Blaaaaa. It sure isn't fun. I've gotten really sad a few times at the stuff I've kept for decades and am now tossing in the garbage. Many things I really cherished and held in great value. It feels like part of me is going into the trash. Oh well. I have a goal and I'm going to achieve it!

Good luck!
Omg no! :eek: I hope to never be on Hoarders. I've seen that show and people are at their worst. Actually, thank you for bringing that up. It makes me realize that we're not at that point in our lives. I'm going to go gather up all the clothes in the bedroom now. 😶
 
Once in my life just out of college after some master's degree work, I went through a single episode of extremely severe depression.

I didn't bother to show up at work for two weeks, let the garbage bags pill up at apartment, didn't shower, and ordered fast food delivery which was limited back in the day to mostly Chinese food and pizza 🍕

My boss stopped by where I lived and said get a therapist and see if you need medication - she would forget about it and approve the personal time off that she "forgot" submit to HR and helped me carry out the trash. And she reminded me that I was trying to be a first time home owner and needed to show continual income. (I got lucky with my boss, but I was a hard worker, she knew it was out of character, etc.)

Anyway, sometimes it is good to know others have had the same type of experiences. You both have your jobs and time to get back to your old self.

Hang in there and wish you well.
 
It sounds like the pandemic and moving may have given you both an excuse to...."give up," so to speak. You have no reason to go out, there's a pandemic going on so no one needs to come over, so what's the point?

You can see the issues, so that's a good thing. Now you need to ask yourself how much you want it to change....don't worry about your partner right now, he'll get there, but you need to focus on yourself first. Maybe take a walk in the evenings. Start going for your own groceries, if possible. Maybe take one day a week to clean up so it doesn't get too bad. Get a calendar just for things like chores and getting out of the house so it's right there in front of you.
The thing about depression and anxiety is that they make it hard to actually do anything and easy to just say fresia it. Do it anyway. It will get easier after you get started. Start with something small like taking a little walk in the evening and work your way up to more. The main goal is to get yourself going so you feel better about yourself. Once you do, it will come easier.
 
My gosh it sounds like you're greatly overwhelmed. ☹️. The good news is you're aware where your problems are. And should you and/or your bf want it, there is help available. Sometimes the toughest part is "Where do I start?"
 

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