Its all about the he says she says BS

[Bluey]

Sometimes I get really down. Things that happend years ago still get to me.

Am scared of the future. It dose not seem to have anything good for me in it.

I have become friends with a girl that I had a fling with for about 3 months about 3 years ago again. She is nice and has been really nice to me just lately. We never got on has GF and BF and argued like crazy. Has friends I think we get on much better. I would like to become a better friend for her has she has impressed me some just lately with how nice she has been to me. She too is going fro some honeysuckle with her health right now. I hope I am strong enough to be a good friend back to her. Right now though I don't feel strong at all. I feel vulnerable and confused with life.

There was a time when I had other feelings for this girl. 3 years ago. I think I may had forced those feelings through and that's probably one reason it did not work then. I do care for her and the hugs she gives me are very nice and much appreciated. I think I am confused about my sexuality has well. Well I know I am witch is stupid, I am 34 and am dealing with teenage honeysuckle. honeysuckle that should had been dealt with years ago. honeysuckle am not comfterbol dealing with even now.

I have had girlfriends in the past. And enjoyed all that come with that. Maybe I just not meat the right one for many years now and maybe that's why am confused with this honeysuckle. I really just don't know. This girl is the one person I have told this to. Only cos she told me a banger of a secret about her self. Is one moor thing that stops me from going any further with her has well. Herpes. That's what she told me. She has that and I don't want that. So even now when I do have feelings for her in that way I block them has well. I mean I got a nuff honeysuckle wrong with my health with out getting something like that has well. I am not totally comfterbol sharing all this on here. But I don't see how she well ever know I shared this with you all. But that's another reason I should not say any of the stuff I have said here cos I have been here at this place a long time now and I have a feeling some ppl in my real life know I come here. She also lives and has lived on her own for nearly has long has me. I think she may also come here all though she has not said. I did send a mail by mistake one time to a friend with a link in to a thread on here. But I need help and I need to get this honeysuckle out of my ******* head cos its killing me. Its tearing me apart. So even though if anyone found out about some of the stuff in this thread in my real life I would kill myself I need help cos am thinking of ending it anyway. Am just not happy with my life and with in my own skin. I feel lonely but also crowded by the ppl around me. I also think if the girl am talking about did read this she would forgive me anyway has nobody would know who she was. She is not a narrow minded person.

I don't wont to die. I wont to enjoy life and what it has to offer. But I just can't seem to find my place in this world. I am a decent guy and I would never hurt a fly unlike some ppl in this world who seem to get off on hurting and tramping over other peoples feelings. Normally mine. I do take things to much to hart. All though I don't normally show that to the ppl around me. I just come home and feel even moor crap then I did be for.

Some ppl know me here. All though there is a lot on here that don't know me now. If you know me then don't just say HUGS, Say where you think am doing wrong and don't be afraid to criticize. By telling me my faults is how I am able to learn to change what I am doing wrong. If you don't know me then any advice well be appreshated. I have never tried to kill myself. I did get drunk one night about 3 years ago now with the intention of doing it but I passed out be for that happend. Cos I cant handle my drink. Lucky me! I could not handle the radical of the stigma of having to face ppl in my life if they ever found out I had tried to kill myself. So I know if I ever was to do it I would make sure it was done the first time. I am not nowhere near that place yet but I really don't know how much moor of the honeysuckle that's in my head I can take be for I just one day say fresia it a nuff is a nuff its time it was ended.

Earlier to day why listening to music with my MP3 player on I cred my eyes out and it felt good to get it out. It is not something I am able to do easily now days. Seems like its to much effort to cry most of the time.

I think where I should be at. Job, women, kids. Looking forward to the yearly holiday. Then I think where I am at. Apart from the 3 month relationship I had with the girl I talk about here I been single since I was 18. no job and no holiday to look forward to. I got a hollerday coming up for a week with me mum, dad and the kid they look after. But I find it hard work to be with them lot for long periods of time. Well I find anyone hard work to be with for long periods of time. But then I find myself hard work to be with for long periods of time as I get lonely. So am in a no win seschwashon< Ye< Ye fresia the spilling for that, Can't be bothered to go look for it. just one moor thing I should not be struggling with at 34 years old. It takes me just has long to spell check everything has it dose to write the post out then there are bond to be mistakes has well. All through this is one problem I could live with if I did not have to deal with all the other honeysuckle I got floating around in my head.

I don't know why I laid all this honeysuckle down here or even if its made me feel any better by sharing this. But fresia it just post thread all ready. I think this may be the most honest thread I have ever posted. Still not sure if I should or not post but fresia just hit the **** ******* button man. *its done* just another lost sole looking for some advice I Guss.

 

[wolfshadow]

Bluey,

Although I'm not remotely qualified to pass comment on the matters you detail, I gladly point out the following.

You are a thoroughly decent person and one of the best here for certain. If someone on this was site was looking for worthwhile feeback on anything I wouldn't hesitate to point them in your direction because I believe your character and nature would be an asset to anybody who choses to involve themselves with you.
To put that into perspective, I would not say the same of myself with anywhere near as much confidence.

What you have isn't worth throwing away for any reason in my opinion.

 

[Bluey]

Bluey,

Although I'm not remotely qualified to pass comment on the matters you detail, I gladly point out the following.

You are a thoroughly decent person and one of the best here for certain. If someone on this was site was looking for worthwhile feeback on anything I wouldn't hesitate to point them in your direction because I believe your character and nature would be an asset to anybody who choses to involve themselves with you.
To put that into perspective, I would not say the same of myself with anywhere near as much confidence.

What you have isn't worth throwing away for any reason in my opinion.

Thank you for your kind words. I would say your has qualified has anyone here to reply to this thread.

I am fighting this other wise I would not be looking for some help and to try and get my head round my own honeysuckle. So am not about to give up just yet. I did feel pretty crap erler to day but it is amazing what a good cry can do. grown man crying oh dear, But am not that grown so I guss I get away wid IT lol

 

[Steel]

(((((Bluey)))))

I agree with Wolfshadow. Hang on in there mate.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I don't have a hard time reading and comprehending your post Bluey.
Venting is good....fresia it..just throw it out there.
Thats' why i attend my meetings...fresia it, i just say what ever the hell is bothering me
so that honeysuckle dosn't go round and round in my fucken head....
You notice my post are long ??? fresia it , I write most of that honeysuckle for me. The more
I let it out weather written or verbal...the less it gose spinning in my fucken head.

Sorry you're feeling this way.
If she's not having a break out, I don't think you can catch it.
You can always use a rubber ya know....

I sit and cry sometimes...F it, I feel what i feel.
I honor myself today. i honor my feelings today even if it's painful.
I don't suffer from depression today.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I agree with Steel and Wolf. Bluey, you are an awesome individual who deserves the best that life can offer.
And you shouldn't feel bad about posting - EVERYONE needs a few words of encouragement on occasion.
(((((Bluey)))))

 

[Minus]

...you are an awesome individual who deserves the best that life can offer.

That is for sure. You have done so much for so many.
I hope things start looking brighter to you.

 

[Bluey]

(((((Bluey)))))

I agree with Wolfshadow. Hang on in there mate.

Am doing but only cos I got no chose. ppl used to tell me has a kid that I was brave. I spent a lot of time in the hospitals. Every time on the way there when the doctor used to come out and say you got to go to hospital I used to cry. After, when I was there the nurses and everyone there always used to be so nice and I would calm down and feel better. They used to tell me I was brave. I always disagreed cos I cried. I did not go there by chose but cos I had to. How dose that make me brave? Well they never had an answer for me and I think some was surprised by my reply lol But ye all carry on regardless since I have too.

 

[Bluey]

I don't have a hard time reading and comprehending your post Bluey.
Venting is good....fresia it..just throw it out there.
Thats' why i attend my meetings...fresia it, i just say what ever the hell is bothering me
so that honeysuckle dosn't go round and round in my fucken head....
You notice my post are long ??? fresia it , I write most of that honeysuckle for me. The more
I let it out weather written or verbal...the less it gose spinning in my fucken head.

I sit and cry sometimes...F it, I feel what i feel.
I honor myself today. i honor my feelings today even if it's painful.
I don't suffer from depression today.

I used to think my grammar was a real problem. Well I Guss it was when I first got a computer just over 3 years ago now. Wasn't long after that when I discovered spill check llol. Plus I have got better. Could not had got much worse. ppl on another forum took the piss. I took the piss back like since I only looked at it has fun. Since I got a PC I talk to ppl I know in real life on MSN and all of them where surprised on my spilling cos non realized I had a problem. Its worse on there cos no spill check. I did use one for a bit but its moor trouble on there then its worth. Plus I now know ppl don't have a problem understanding me. Only ppl that do are ppl that just wont to take the piss. But that is one thing that don't really get to me any moor. Having a PC and being admin for this place gave me some much needed confidence there and made me realise that was only a problem in my head.

I don't normally read very long posts as am not a fast reader. But I do read some of your longer ones only cos I normally find them interesting. Its obvious why you do it. Amongst all that rambling is a lot of relief I think.

Sorry you're feeling this way.
If she's not having a break out, I don't think you can catch it.
You can always use a rubber ya know...

Hear is the thing, I have don my research on this. You can understand why am sure lol Well she told me the same thing has what you just did that if there is no out break then its save. Well I researched it and even joined another forum to PM a guy there that also had it. He was very helpful but did confirm what I had already researched myself. You can still get it when its not active its just much harder to get it so you would have to be pretty unlucky to get it when its not active. All though if your going to be with someone for the rest of your life you would probably end up with it. Plus a rubber don't protect you with this. its not passed like normal STD. Its skin to skin. Well this is not the reason we spilt last time as I did not know about it then. Was not very happy that she did not tell me at the time but I Guss that is not an easy thing to tell someone and anyway am understanding why she did not. I have talked to her very openly about why we split and this. She dose take 50% blame on the reasons has well. There is a bit moor to it has always with this things. But anyway right now am just happy to have her has a friend. And I know she feels the same. That's all good just now. I think if that ever changers I well have to look at the other thing again.

 

[Bluey]

I agree with Steel and Wolf. Bluey, you are an awesome individual who deserves the best that life can offer.
And you shouldn't feel bad about posting - EVERYONE needs a few words of encouragement on occasion.
(((((Bluey)))))

Thank you Eve.

I think encouragement is about the only thing most of the time we can do on here. But sometimes it dose mean so much.

 

[Bluey]

That is for sure. You have done so much for so many.
I hope things start looking brighter to you.

You are much moor of an amazing person then you think.
But ye I hope things start to look up at some point cos to live in pain all of the time is to much.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Bluey

I"m so sorry you feel this way

are there any groups with your disability you could join? That might help if your disability isnt terribly rare.

Maybe you spend too much time alone that these thoughts come in your head.

That's a hard decision to make about the Herpes. So i'm not going to comment on that since I have no idea what i'd do in your shoes.

try dating4disabled.com I have a profile there =)

heck try Match.com....it couldnt hurt right?

Bluey when you feel sad please go do something that makes you happy, it could be anything. distract youself, dont sit and stew in your sadness.

Youre such a help to all of us here on alonelylife.com...and I want you to know its VERY appreciated. You're a good person with a good heart.

You'll find your way. Dont give up.

 

[Bluey]

Bluey

I"m so sorry you feel this way

are there any groups with your disability you could join? That might help if your disability isnt terribly rare.

My Nan keep saying for me to try this place out for the disabled. Eventually I did go up and have a look even though I thought it was for ppl much weirs then myself. Cos I wold enjoy doing new things. And meeting new ppl. But when I what up and asked about joining in I looked around and it was just has a thought. The place was for really bad disabled ppl. ppl that need help in looking after them self on a day to day bases. See I don't need any help with anything. The only help I need is to deal with the honeysuckle in my head. But anyway I am not totally disabled and my physical problems do hold me back and slow me down some what and I do get much moor tied from doing something then I should. But the women I asked about joining in at this place basickly look at me as if to say what you doing here. And I looked round and well I asked myself the same question. So even though am not able to work full time I am not bad enough to be joining a group like that. Its a frustrating place to be in. Am kinder stuck in the middle.

Maybe you spend too much time alone that these thoughts come in your head.

This is true. I think sometimes though like just lately I have been going out a fair bit. That can make you seem like things are clouded. So even though I do agree I spend way to much time alone I do need my space at the same time. Just so am able to gather my thoughts and think strait.

That's a hard decision to make about the Herpes. So i'm not going to comment on that since I have no idea what i'd do in your shoes.

Yes, Its OK Intel you get it. Only takes the one time. Then it still OK intell,,,,,,,IF you split. Then you spend the rest of your life regretting it.
But right now that's not a problem I face has where just friends.

try dating4disabled.com I have a profile there =)

heck try Match.com....it couldnt hurt right?

I have tried dating sites. Just can't seem to find the passion to get into it.

Bluey when you feel sad please go do something that makes you happy, it could be anything. distract youself, dont sit and stew in your sadness.

I do try. I have a bike I like to get out on but the weather is not always good for that and I am not always good for that ether if am not feeling fit. I Guss I could do with finding something to distract myself with.

Youre such a help to all of us here on alonelylife.com...and I want you to know its VERY appreciated. You're a good person with a good heart.

Thanks for saying

You'll find your way. Dont give up.

I hope I find a way. Nothing seems to get better though.
But I am feeling a tad optimistic so I well say that non of us know what is round the corner. Including me. Hope its something good. Would make a refreshing change.

 

[DayvanCowboy]

As you can tell Bluey. You have a tremendous amount of support here and if you can never find anything and you are having trouble then you can always just post your thoughts here.

You really do deserve the best though. Take it slow and I hope it really does work out for you. Its going to obviously be a lot to take care of for you to heal your thoughts, but I know that you are someone who is strong enough to do so.

 

[Bluey]

As you can tell Bluey. You have a tremendous amount of support here and if you can never find anything and you are having trouble then you can always just post your thoughts here.

You really do deserve the best though. Take it slow and I hope it really does work out for you. Its going to obviously be a lot to take care of for you to heal your thoughts, but I know that you are someone who is strong enough to do so.

I have been really busy lately. Been getting out a lot moor then I normally do. That has its ups and downs. I do get tied when Ive been out to much. Then it all caches up with me and I feel crap. Its at that point that I start to feel low emotionally has well. But I am trying to split the days up when am going out. That seems to be helping. See my life is a bit weird. One minute nothing happens then everyone seems to wont my company.

Well I do seem to feel like am working fro my honeysuckle now a little bit. I think typing all this down here helped a bit just to put things into perspective that bit moor.

I think reading fro what I posted I just need to give my self a break. Think I just gotta learn to have fun and not take life to seriously. Used to be good at that. I think you forget how to have fun when you get older. Maybe its about time I gave myself a refresher course and get some of the old Bluey back. Well I do know how to have fun. Just maybe I do take one or two things moor to hart then I should.

Emotional feelings are complicated. Trying to explain my feelings when I don't even understand why I feel what I do half the time is hard.

Thanks for the reply Cowboy. Any support is good. Every post is a different view point to look at things with.