Joke of the Day

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Richard_39

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I used to have an ongoing thread where I'd post a joke a day. While I never got the occasion to do exactly one joke a day, I tried to be as assidious as possible and keep it as clean and as general as possible, so I figure, why not do it here?

I've always been someone that thinks that humor is one of the best forms of defense and healing that can be. Anyone that learns to laugh can laugh at life and make it through hard times.

So I'll start. Feel frr to join in any times you want to add new jokes, wether existing on the interwebz or something made up you found funny. Try to keep it, as I said, as family-friendly as can be, as I read there can be some people under 18 years of age on these forums.

"What did the DNA say to ther other DNA?"
"Do these genes make my butt look fat?"

;-)
 

Richard_39

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The Eight Levels Of Joy
1. Your metabolism changes so that you can lose weight eating chocolate.
2. You realize that your kid's report card was really a bad dream.
3. Your computer actually crashes when the technician is there.
4. You bought Amazon.com 10 years ago -- and sold it high.
5. Steven Spielberg calls your boss looking for you.
6. You haven't put on weight -- your clothes shrank.
7. Your child calls from college just to say "Hi!".
8. The IRS loses your name.
 

Richard_39

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A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.

After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.

He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."
 

Richard_39

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Two guys talking together.

"Hey Man, you know anything about politics?"
"Sure do brother, what do you want to know?"
"Well, a guy told me the other day I didn't know the difference between Capitalism and Communism. Do you know it?"
"Hey that's an easy one, brother! You jot it down"
"Alright, go"
"Well, simply put, Capitalism is the exploitation of Man by Man".
"Alright, good. What about Communism?"
"It's the opposite".
 

Richard_39

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At work, a blonde woman walks in, crying like a baby. Her boss sees her come in.
"Honey, what's wrong?"
"Oh, it's horrible, my mom just died!"
"Well, what are you doing here?!? Go back, take a couple of days off!"
"No, it's okay, maybe working will change my mind a bit and help me not to remember"
"Fine, but let me know if there's anything else or if you want to leave".

The blonde sits down at her desk. Five minutes later the phone rings and after talking for a few minutes, she goes back to her boss' office, crying a fountain again.
"Honey, what happened? I saw you pick up the phone, who was it?"
"It's horrible! It was my sister, her mom died too!"

:)
 

Richard_39

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Just before the final exam in 
my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me.

“Can you tell me what grade 
I would need to get on the exam 
to pass the course?” he asked.

I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.”

“OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?”
 

Blue Bob

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How do you get a one arm blonde out of a tree?


You wave to her.
 

hewhowalksalone

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(Let's see if I can resurrect this post :))

A music fan enters a singing competition. He know that the competition will be fierce, so he spends hours and hours trying to perfect his talent. Even singing throughout the night. Only stopping when the clock reached 4am.

Next morning, the man goes outside to collect his paper, where he runs into his elderly neighbor. The two talk, and he tells his neighbour about the singing competition he is training for. The man then asks his neighbor - who has been having trouble sleeping - if she's sleeping any better.

To which the neighbor replies, 'No luck - I was up until four in the morning listening to what sounded like a pair of howling cats'.
 

Blue Bob

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A guy walks into a bar and says “Bartender, set me up with twelve shots of your best whiskey.”  
The guy proceeds to drink the shots just as fast as the bartender can pour 'em, so the bartender says “Damn I ain't never seen anybody drink shots that fast!”  
The guy says “You’d drink ‘em that fast too if you had what I got.”  
The bartender asks “What have you got?”
The guy says “75 cents.”
 

hewhowalksalone

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An optician returns home to her husband, who immediately notices the sadness in her eyes. When her husband asks what is wrong, the wife tells him about how an elderly patient of hers died while receiving an eye test. The optician says she blames herself, and when her husband asks why, she replies 'Because my final words were 'follow the light'.
 

hewhowalksalone

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Three more.

- Two lions eat a clown. The second lion asks the first lion what he thought to his meal. To which the first lion responds, 'he tasted a little funny'.

- What do you call a lettuce containing the meat of Roman politicians? A Caesar salad.

- What do a baby's diaper and a politician have in common? They're both full of shit.
 
J

Jessicat

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A panda walks in to a bar. He asked the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talkes to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex the panda abruptly leaves. The next night the woman goes to confront the panda. “You owe me money”, she sais. “For what?” The woman rolls her eyes and explains, “I’m a prostitute.” The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: “Prostitute: has sex for money.” The panda says, “I don’t have to pay you. I’m a panda. Look it up.” She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up “panda” and it reads: Eats bush and leaves.

🐼
 

hewhowalksalone

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(I have many - I'm too afraid to express some of them here :D)

What do magicians and the Italian mafia have in common?
They both make people disappear.

Why do fish wear protection when they have sex?
To avoid catching clam-ydia.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating down a river in a boat?
Screwed.
 

BadGuy

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I had been trying to lose weight for awhile under doctors advice
Vet had me change my dogs food for the same reason
I got to thinking ....they say the dog food is very good for him and gets more testing than human food
I did it ....dry kibble was working
I had lost nearly a hundred pounds and my teeth were very clean lol

This is where my story takes a turn
I woke in the hospital my doctor looking over me
I asked her if the dog food poisoned me
She told me NO
I got hit by a car when I stepped off the curb to sniff a womans ass
 
J

Joturbo

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Police raided kermits lily pad last night and found hundreds of pictures of Miss Piggy in the nude

They're saying its the worse case of frogs porn they have ever seen.
 

hewhowalksalone

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- How does a crustacean get sexual gratification without a partner?
- He watches hardcore prawn.

- What do John McClane's enemies have in common with people who overdose on Viagra?
- They both die hard.

- A man walks into a bar with two girls, and orders a beer. However the two girls don't sit with him - instead they go and stand by the jukebox where they converse quietly. The barman engages the male in conversation, and asks about the two girls - he responds by telling the barman that the women are sisters - the male brags that he had sex with one of them, and hopes that she'll invite the other into a three way. The barman engages him further in conversation, and after the male chucks down his beer, the barman asks if he would like some brandy. The male says 'No thanks. I've been screwing brandi all night'.
 

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