Just... I don't know. Affirmation? Venting? Something.

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The Wanderer

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I thought that if I had one person to share all my time with that I wouldn't be lonely. That in sharing myself with another I could reach some sort of fulfillment. I mean, that's what we're raised to believe. We've all had that thought, I'm sure. It wasn't true. It was like my wish had been granted by a monkeys paw, it was distorted. The more I gave the more that got taken, nothing ever given back. All day, all the time, all my energy was drained to this one person for about... half a year. I was in a persistent state of stress as they would create reason after reason for me to stay and focus on their problems, their needs. Never mine. Eventually I broke free from their control and that crushing silence has returned.
But you know something? I missed it. Because although I am alone, at least I am allowed to think, to feel, to be me.
Being around that person didn't free me of my loneliness, it only added more chains.

I'm going to finish my degree. After that I don't really know. I started down this path thinking I could help make a difference, then when I realized I couldn't I continued thinking I could aid those who could. Then when I realized it was ultimately fruitless I thought I could just... be happy. Live out my years just living for me and afew others that I can trust.
Maybe I still can. I don't feel very optimistic right now... but I've struggled so hard for so long to try and pick up the pieces of my life. I can't stop now.
I deserve to be free, to choose my own direction even if I don't know the destination.
I'm going to win. I am.
 

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