Desnoto
New member
I’m a 33 year old Dominican guy, Since a very young age I am dealing with depression, I would say maybe since 13, dunno. I say 13 cause at that age I tried to end my life and of course it did not work cause here Iam, but what im trying to say is I know something was wrong. I cannot say I liked same sex back then cause I never look at boys that way or at least that I remember. I have both of my parents around but living in another city, my mom suffers from high pressure and a lot of things scares her. To give you an example, once I was outside and took a lot heat (it gets hot in Dominican Republic) when I got inside I was shaking and sweating a lot, my mom started crying and she had to be sit down and given water. So knowing that, I have to be very careful what I tell her and how I tell her, needless to say she does not know anything that I am dealing with (tittle above)
I contracted HIV when a condom broke while in the act, I knew exactly when it happened and something inside me was eating me alive, i tried to go on with my live all lonely and going to work as usual when suddenly I caught a cold, when I’m sick my tonsils get infected as well, and to anybody that had this, you know how painful it is. So, I decided to go and see an specialist to remove them, the DR sent me to run some internal test for procedure before the surgery and in that sheet there was the HIV test, I thought…this is weird but whatever. After I go to pickup my results, i was told that they needed more blood and more time, so they did and sent me home to return tomorrow. My lovely brain of course started thinking the worse, but again I’ve always thought the worse in every situation so the outcome may come positive and I’d be surprise, weird and not healthy I know! The following day arrives and I go to pickup my results, i was met by this nice lady with an envelop and asked me to follow her into her office. While walking of course i had already confirmed in my head what it was and i cannot describe that feeling. She told me and held my hand and told me there are health centers that provide free meds etc etc. I just smiled, thanked her and left. I was i believe 24, so there I was, walking to my apartment head down, laughing inside of me thinking: wow Steve, depression, gay and now HIV, THIS IS GREAT!
I told my best friend and my 2 brothers way after. I live in a country where there are no support centers, no help groups or any of the stuff i hear from other countries to help people like me. I have worked in a company as a salesman for tourist for over 8 years and everyday I have to put on a happy face. I am terrible at making friends and continuing a conversation, i find less and less people that share at least one of my hubbies. I’ve been without a romantic partner for more than 9 years. Of course it has lasted so long after my diagnosis, cause in the scenario that i find someone, how the hell am i going to tell this person this??
I started to hate my job, my life and even me. I went to multiple psychologist and each one of them had a problem with me being gay, and not that they could tell, just that i told them cause i felt was importan. Anyway…i found myself crying more often than ever now, and my suicidal thoughts have increased like idk, the only reason I have not tried it again is because I love my mother more than I love life and the single thought of making her cry and suffer because me…idk…im even crying writing this. I feel so alone, so miserable and i feel like i have to be happy for others and put on a face and be cheerful and honeysuckle when just beneath my smile im dying, i would love to find love again, friends, etc, but who would want to deal with me???
This felt like a newspaper and it is the first time i write sort of my story in a site like this. I left so much out, but my thoughts are scramble and whatnot. Im not looking for sympathy i swear, i just wanted to let it out for once.
I contracted HIV when a condom broke while in the act, I knew exactly when it happened and something inside me was eating me alive, i tried to go on with my live all lonely and going to work as usual when suddenly I caught a cold, when I’m sick my tonsils get infected as well, and to anybody that had this, you know how painful it is. So, I decided to go and see an specialist to remove them, the DR sent me to run some internal test for procedure before the surgery and in that sheet there was the HIV test, I thought…this is weird but whatever. After I go to pickup my results, i was told that they needed more blood and more time, so they did and sent me home to return tomorrow. My lovely brain of course started thinking the worse, but again I’ve always thought the worse in every situation so the outcome may come positive and I’d be surprise, weird and not healthy I know! The following day arrives and I go to pickup my results, i was met by this nice lady with an envelop and asked me to follow her into her office. While walking of course i had already confirmed in my head what it was and i cannot describe that feeling. She told me and held my hand and told me there are health centers that provide free meds etc etc. I just smiled, thanked her and left. I was i believe 24, so there I was, walking to my apartment head down, laughing inside of me thinking: wow Steve, depression, gay and now HIV, THIS IS GREAT!
I told my best friend and my 2 brothers way after. I live in a country where there are no support centers, no help groups or any of the stuff i hear from other countries to help people like me. I have worked in a company as a salesman for tourist for over 8 years and everyday I have to put on a happy face. I am terrible at making friends and continuing a conversation, i find less and less people that share at least one of my hubbies. I’ve been without a romantic partner for more than 9 years. Of course it has lasted so long after my diagnosis, cause in the scenario that i find someone, how the hell am i going to tell this person this??
I started to hate my job, my life and even me. I went to multiple psychologist and each one of them had a problem with me being gay, and not that they could tell, just that i told them cause i felt was importan. Anyway…i found myself crying more often than ever now, and my suicidal thoughts have increased like idk, the only reason I have not tried it again is because I love my mother more than I love life and the single thought of making her cry and suffer because me…idk…im even crying writing this. I feel so alone, so miserable and i feel like i have to be happy for others and put on a face and be cheerful and honeysuckle when just beneath my smile im dying, i would love to find love again, friends, etc, but who would want to deal with me???
This felt like a newspaper and it is the first time i write sort of my story in a site like this. I left so much out, but my thoughts are scramble and whatnot. Im not looking for sympathy i swear, i just wanted to let it out for once.
