Loneliness is a sneaky one, ain't she?

[Guest]

Loneliness is a sneaky one, isn't she? Your sitting alone at home, evryone's gone out. "What should I do, what should I do? I know! Give someone a call- have a nice chat!" So you scroll down your contacts on your phone, there must be someone at home! As you go through the list you find yourself rolling your eyes, tutting under your breath and sighing. You've realised...I don't want to talk to a single one of these people at all, I can't stand them- I don't feel part of them, all coversations with them have been forced and all smiles fake. The only time I've spoken to any of these people for longer than ten minutes without wanting to kill myself is when I've been drunk...then I've wanted to kill myself the morning after! How did I get to this point? Why am I 'friends' with all these people I don't like-people who I don't really know and who don't really know me. What's wrong with me? Why can't I make any real friends-people I genuinely want to talk to, who I don't have to be fake with-WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!

Then before you know it you're crying, big fat ugly tears streaming down you face, you've realised it...you're lonely, so very painfully lonely! You've been lonely for ages but ignored it and now there it is, unmistakeable, undeniable and impossible to dispell: Loneliness eh? She's a sneaky one, hides in the back of your mind until the right moment and then sets up camp in the front of your mind hacking away at your self-esteem until she breaks you down. *****.

She's clever though, I'll give her that.

 

[Guest]

*huggles* i hate this

 

[Tortured Soul]

I don't know who's the bigger *****... loneliness because she waits to pounce or contentment because she leaves you to be had by loneliness. AND NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU, at least in the sense of it depending on your fickleness about companionship. The whole entire world, as I know it, is set up on social rules. Shitty rules but social. There are certain things one "should" do, like carry on seemingly sincere conversations when you'd really prefer to be throwing up, all for the sake of being socially polite and maintaining friendships that aren't satisfying. It's a rite of passage I think. I'd like to really hurt the persons who decided that one!
Nonetheless, Guest, I'm lonely too. I'm in this world and I'm lonely too. I'm mad at God most of the time and I'm mad at others for not being able to be what I need. I guess I really hate myself and take it out on others. Mostly though, I think I'm confused by this system called life that God has ordained and seemed to have left at times. I'm lonely.