Loneliness Really Hurts

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mike354

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Where do I begin? I grew up in the mid-west farm area. It was a farm area where the local farmers were making more money by subdividing the land and selling it to developers than by growing crops. We had a home with two acres, most of which was just grass and a few trees.

Somewhere between middle school and high school, my friends all started to have girlfriends. I didn't notice, well not at first. I was a normal kid and wanted to be like my friends and have a girlfriend just like they had. “Hey, let's hang out?” “Sorry but I and Lynda are going out.” One by one my friends drifted away. All through high school I never had a girlfriend. I never had kissed a girl, not on one date or invited to any parties.

I looked at myself in the mirror and saw an average-looking lad. Not too handsome yet not ugly either. It seemed there was some undefined quality or lack of that set me apart from others my age. I will admit I was immature, maybe too immature to be considered boyfriend material. I never acted stupidly immature like Bevis and Butthead though.

Along came the senior prom. Usually, my parents didn't notice or care. My Dad was a salesman and was gone a lot. My mother bugged me about the prom a bit. Maybe she saw a tear in my eye and backed off. One girl that had not shown the least interest in me suddenly was flirting with me. I was devastated, she just wanted to use me so she could go to the prom. I just knew once the prom was over, she'd dump me like a rock.

I cried a lot then, usually in the quiet of my bedroom. Have you ever cried so much and so hard you can't breathe? I did many times.

All the houses on my street had 1 to 2 acres extending out from their home. So did ours, just grass mostly. Behind our home was a modern subdivision. And, the closest home had a pool, a rarity in my neighborhood. A popular girl from my school's family had the pool.

One hot summer night I'd hear the happy screams of kids my age swimming and having fun. My bedroom was in the back of the house and sounds carry at night. Later on, it grew quieter. Then you'd hear moans of pleasure and other sounds. I knew exactly what was happening. Here I sat alone in my bedroom while other kids my age were having all manner of pleasure, something I could only dream of.

One day while in the study hall at school and sitting with my best friend when this really pretty girl came along. She knew my friend since he was very popular. She had this determined look in her eye. Primal I guess, like some wild huntress. She grabbed my friend by the wrist and led him off telling him her parents were gone for the day. No girl had ever looked at me like that, never!

Other times when I'd be in the study or the cafeteria a group of girls might be sitting near me. Right within my hearing, they'd talk about boys. “Oh look. There's Billy. Isn't he a dream.? Look frank. I'm so in love.” Stuff like that. It seemed that they didn't dislike me. It was far worse. it seemed I didn't even exist to them.

While still in high school I joined the Civil Air Patrol. I liked airplanes and it was fun at first. Also, it was a welcome diversion from the heartbreak of high school. Summer came along and there was to be a party. It seems this family owned a nice house in a subdivision crisscrossed with canals.

For once things were looking up. Not only were there several girls my age but also older girls, in their early 20s. You could just feel it – sex was in the air. The parents had something to do “wink wink” and left us alone. Everyone dove into the canal when my bathing suit ripped wide open in the back. Total embarrassment. Thankfully some girl found me a towel. I was so mortified I had to leave.

Later I found out it the party soon turned into a sex party. In subsequent CAP meetings, I'd notice almost everyone giving each other winks, nods, and knowing smiles. They had this intimate secret, and I was excluded from them. An outsider. Not long after that, I quit.

College came along and along with it the draft. I went to this Jr. College in a medium-sized town near the Canadian border. It was a nice school and several people from my old high school were attending. I took engineering but it was proving too hard for me, especially the math. I switched to social sciences which were easier for me.

Still no girlfriend. I did get one date. It was a disaster. You see most guys make all of their dating mistakes and how to appeal to a girl in their earlier years. By the time they were in their early 20s, they knew all about dating and such; how to handle a girl. This poor girl was dating an equivalent to a 14-year-old.

During my second year of college, I was, as usual, alone. There was this guy I met, and we got along well enough. He told me about some huge barn out in the countryside. Sex parties were held there frequently. The females were calling the shots at the party and were very selective as to what males got an invite.

So, I got up the courage and went. There was a huge parking lot filled with cars. I went in and was directed to a room all filled with young guys mostly my age and even a few high school-aged guys. Usually, in pairs, girls would come into the room and lead away a selected male.

This went on for a bit and the number of girls was growing thin and I still hadn't been selected. By now there was only a hand full of guys left so I decided to leave before the inevitable. Once again no one wanted me. The thing was I had to go down a long hallway on the second floor of the barn to reach the stairs and out. There were a large number of rooms, some with beds and others with only mattresses on the floor. It seemed so deliberate. Rubbed in my face what I was missing.

I was devastated, I had nothing left inside me now. At the time I had an old, rusted convertible. I found a lonely bit of country road and parked. If you've ever seen the night sky in a rural area, you'd know what I mean. It was beautiful, with billions of blinking blue diamond-like stars. The Milky Way was a cluttered mass of stars. I looked up at the face of God and asked, “Why?” Why do you hate me? Why have you done this to me? Do I deserve this? Is this punishment for some sin I'm not aware of?

I couldn't even cry. I was so burned out; I was defeated and retreated into myself. Not long after that, I enlisted in the Army. After training, I was sent to Vietnam. All the guys around me were getting letters from girlfriends or wives. Not me, I was alone. To keep the guys off my back I invented some sexy blonde back home. Then, at an appropriate time, I got a “Dear John.”

I was not suicidal, and I sure didn't want to do something stupid to cause my buddies to get hurt. During combat, I was wounded badly in the left leg from an RPG and sent back to the states to serve out my remaining time in the Army. I eventually met a young girl my age.

She had recently suffered an emotional shock when her boyfriend, a wealthy Muslim student went back to Saudi Arabia. He didn't leave her an address, phone number, or anything. She went to his friends, and they told her to get lost. Western women, to them, were whores, fun for a while but they all had family arranged marriages back home. She had been naive and opened her heart to him.

At the time I had a new and fast BSA motorcycle and wasn't too careful how I drove it. She kept goading me “faster, faster.” Eventually, we fell in love. Like two lonely lost sheep in the forest. I could tell she was suicidal. We were both damaged goods. That was some years past. She recently died of breast cancer.

Once again, I'm alone and these old memories of my past keep creeping back. I have three pains to endure. My early life and all its pain and rejection. PTSD due to combat stress and now, recently, the loss of my wife.
 

CenotaphGirl

Away making peace with god...
Joined
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OMG,I have never been so committed to reading a post, this was so well written. Ugh, I am so sorry for your loss, welcome to the forums.
 

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