lonely college life by the invisable man

[Guest]

Wow,


Invisible man here,

Feel pretty bad bad bad.

Had a depressing lonely birthday recently. No one knew except for the obligatory family that sent the cards and small checks. Did nothing but sit home feeling bad. Just got fired from my little job today too. I don't even know anymore. My life blows. How dark does it get before dawn? I wonder when I think back to that worn cliché quote. I have another job I used to like but now hate; perhaps I’ll get fired there too. This depression affects my entire life. I fear going to a doctor and even if possible getting "cured". Do I want that? Do I secretly enjoy my depression and isolation? I think so but not by choice. It was choice at first but not now. Perhaps I’m a drug addict, addicted to depression and loneliness. I skipped classes today too. To sleep, it just felt to good to leave my wonderful dreams and face my stupid life I don't enjoy. I blew off a call from a friend today, which I even found odd. I thought I must enjoy being lonely to some degree or else why would I not want to jump on any social opportunity. I don't really want to see him though b/c it usually just makes me feel more weird and isolated. Like I’m different and then I get insecure and feel defensive. So I just blow it off and feel bad about by myself. There is no profound point coming; I just feel like honeysuckle, I hope some people reply, its nice reading them. What’s the point? That question and those related are so played out but I don't know what else to say. Excluding some unexpected magical event I see no change in my life b/c I’m putting my faith in that something happening. I mean I say to myself I’ll change when I meet that cool person, I’ll feel more confident, relaxed, optimistic, generally happy or simply excited about what the day may hold. But I think because I make absolutely no attempt to connect with anyone what should I expect? On a sillier note I’ve always thought a small crisis situation would be great for me. Like in action survival movies where all the people have to work together for survival. What a great thing to force me out of my rigid shell. I see people all the time. I see them walking. I feel every single one of them has the ability to make me happy and I them. All this potential and possibility but I have no idea how to access it. I have a vague idea involving a charismatic witty conversation but I can't do that. I don’t' know what I’m waiting for anymore. Honestly suicide doesn't look bad at all. Doesn’t the fact that so many people commit suicide prove that sometimes there is no dawn? That it simply gets that bad or meaningless that no more point exists for you. How I would love not to think these thoughts. To be occupied with planning friend activities, to be busy with a job I enjoy, to look forward to that weekend with your lover. But no. I think about sleeping and escaping. Suicide and what the afterlife will be like. I feel like I can’t relate to people anymore b/c I can’t tolerate chitchat anymore. I want to just cry to any stranger that I feel so bad I don't even know up form down anymore. Its like I’ve brushed too much dirt under my little rug and now I’m struggling to keep the rug on top.

I don't feel like doing anything drastic either which I wish I did. Like moving or joining something, or trying something completely new. Because I know this, I scare people away with my depressed demeanor. It sux b/c I wish I didn’t make people feel uncomfortable like that. I need a gf to cry with, to make me feel like to quote the Wedding Singer, "hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok". Even if I just believed it for ten minutes that would be enough for me. A thought too that I have is if you've been reading all my posts is that if I met someone new I would have to expound all this stuff onto them to feel comfortable. I feel like a fraud and not real if I don't be honest. One day when I feel good again (if ever) I will come back here and write something. Not inspirational because no one wants to hear that honeysuckle but something about this stuff when I can see it from a different vantage point. I’m in the trenches now so it’s hard to put what I’m feeling and deciding to do and behave in perspective. I’ve always thought one should own a gun for a suicide backup. Lets say you’re going to prison for 30 years you have a few minutes on your home before you have to go. I think the gun would come in very handy there. You just learned that you have AIDS or a horrible form of cancer, another good gun situation. I haven't gotten one yet b/c I feel I’ll blow my head off the first night with it. Maybe in a few months. Do I need a big dad type figure to set me straight? Tell me what’s what? Have you out there wondered that for yourselves? Are we lost in a way? Or are we by products of our culture? Are we defects in the culture? Or are we perfectly needed and accepted because we keep out mouths shut and do what were told, though in quiet desperation. All in all I don't want to be too "Goth, pain, dark, rain and crows" honeysuckle. Perhaps I’ve thought maybe I just need some honest to god real awesome sex. Maybe I need a relationship with honesty levity and what not. Maybe I’m hoping for a fantasy that will never happen. Levity would be nice, I’m sure you can all agree out there. Being lonely gets to be serious business with few giggles and silly jokes.


Hoping for some nice words from some of you that would help and be real nice. Please I feel bad enough, no advice of "get off my ass" type stuff. I don't know, you'll think of something. But like I say every time and mean it, thank you thank you thank you for reading. This would usually go into a journal under my bed where it would stay, but I thank this place and you the reader for letting me share.

I’m going to go do some of my routines now (food, pot, shower). I’ll check back later. Although I am scared at the possibility of some insensitive mean replies. Oh well.

To quote a nice depressed fiend I had years ago,

"Life sucks and then you die"

Doesn’t that just say volumes about where one is mentally and socially? Well that’s my motto now too. Prove me wrong; I desperately want to change it.

Oh and my cat is dying and soon to be dead too.

 

[Guest]

just throwing it out there, though i would be scared to meet

but anyone else live in Philly?

 

[Guest]

I haven't been in college for a long time, but felt for you. I feel I must respond. Flush the pot down the toilet baby and don't look back. Walk into the cafeteria or student union. Walk up to the friendliest face you see and say "Excuse me, do you mind if I sit here. All the other seats are full." Do not let it concern you in the least that over 50% of the tables are actually empty. Ask a girl you've just met if you can sleep on her couch. Tell her you're afraid of the dark. Tell her you're desperate for a decent nights' sleep. When she says no, say then can I take you out -- Wendys' has a slamming dollar menu? If she doesn't laugh, move on.

 

[glaze]

happy b day invisible man

id gone home for a few days away from the maddening crowd and college.. jus read up on all the posts since i last visited... nice to see lots of opinions about lots of things by lots of people..

if i can jus say one thing to you invisible.. this too will pass.. (my granny says that to me when im depressed and i think ive heard it somewhere in a hollywood movie-'my best friends wedding' i think).. i think u ve seen as bad or worse or might sometime in the future.. but it will be okay..

i cant tell u not to worry about ur future because that is what im doing this very instant.. in two days recruitment by a few firms happens in my college.. and tests.. and interviews n all that stuff where il have to perform n do well and the expectations of my family.. so my preparation is underway..

but i can hope that things will be good.. and i hope things will be good for you.. u know what.. things will be good for u.. atleast sometime in the future.. in an hour.. today.. tomoro.. the day after.. a smile from someone, a compliment, a nice person u meet, maybe some job u want.. soon enough.. good things happen.. they will happen

everything will be okay..
take care invisible man
until the next post
bye

 

[Guest]

blue collar boy

Some Shakespeare play they made us read in highschool had this thing about the wheel of fate. It turns, sometimes everythings good, then bad, then good again. I hope that theory wasn't a crock of crap to sell plays, (that's a joke btw, hope u chuckle), but if it wasn't, then things will improve.

Hope you feel better, sorry you lost your job, and have a decent birthday, cause I can't honestly say happy after your post, but give me a decent birthday, and I'm happy, know what I'm sayin.

 

[MadCapLaughing]

Yo 1st post
Sorry I don't have any useful advice for you lonely in college guy. Probably because I am lonely and in college also. My situation is a little different than what you described.
-I don't live with my family. I have 1 roommate in an apartment.
-I think that I have friends, but I'm not sure what that means. There are a few people who I go outside and to bars and parties and houses with, and I stand close to them and move my jaw up and down.
-I am not a virgin. Not that it matters for anything.
-I don't put on a "content" face. I have one face which I wear at all times.

I AM severely, devastatingly lonely. All the time.

Yep, I'm in college, largest campus in the country. I'm an art major and I guess that I like college as far as that goes. I get to work out ideas and when I don't have any I get to make a mess.
Were you dissapointed that college wasn't more like the "Animal House" depictions? Lots and lots of people around here try super hard to emulate that behavior, and I have to tell you that !almost! nothing else makes me feel more alienated and alone.

SO this seems like a pretty non-judgemental forum. Ok....
I'm mildly schizophrenic. Clinically. Non-medicated. I don't like being a robot.
I'm about 20-30 pounds underweight and therefore not so much the epitome of masculinity.
Do these criterea account for my loneliness? Do they warrant it?
I'm seriously asking. I can't ask anyone that I know, because although I know many people, I don't know ANYONE who I could talk to about this. Nobody cares that much.
Okay now I'm just venting....
The worst feeling in history is when I'm sitting in my apartment, just after my roommate leaves with his girlfriend for the night/weekend/week/whatever. I feel like I could sit in that spot for the next night/weekend/week/whatever and nobody would care that much. Yes, I have friends and family, but they MIGHT try to contact me once and then not think anything of it after that.

I used to think that it was liberating to have the ability to vanish whenever I felt like it and not risk upsetting anyone that much. Then I realized that I am very very poor also. Funy how poverty and loneliness and depression go hand in hand in hand.

That's all i have for now. bye.

 

[Guest]

Hey Madcap,

Welcome to us lonely people

Invisible man here,

Please feel free to vent all you want, there is no judgments here that what this forum is for and I think everyone enjoys reading something honest.

And you're fuckin' right, hit the nail, well a nail on the head with

The worst feeling in history is when I'm sitting in my apartment, just after my roommate leaves with his girlfriend for the night/weekend/week/whatever

Even though I don't room with anyone I have that feeling currently with an old only friend of mine. I know that feeling. He spends all his time with his gf. I get mad at him for it privately. He blows me off to spend time with her. At the same time I remind myself that if I was in his shoes I would be doing the same fuckin' thing. He had found what I wanted. I know he hasn't had much relationship fun, but then again I’ve had none so yeah. I don't talk to him much anymore because now that he has a gf (he didn't have one the entire time we were friends) I can see a change in him. It’s hard to put into words but perhaps some of you know this feeling. Its a confidence I observe, but more its a warm security feeling he has, b/c while were doing whatever were doing he has that stashed in the back of his mind. The feeling of being wanted and wanting someone. To know that he will have sex well whenever and someone to spend time with, someone to call and to call him. Make him feel special. I can see this confident demeanor, he is less concerned about hurting peoples feelings, and is real quick and shallow conversationally now. Quick in the sense that he doesn't think about anything or it never gets deep anymore. Its just like I’m this tool bothering him at the subway stop. B/c he has that stashed way for himself. Like a little kid who has hid some candy under his bed and knows he’s going to have a party with it soon. It makes me feel vulnerable and insecure. I hate it, so in mind fresia him. The worst would be if they spilt up and then he starts to call me again. How pathetic for both of us.


But what I wanted to say really is,

A little tale, Serendipity

I met a girl yesterday. I very pretty nice girl who I can tell likes me and I like her. We went to high school together, never talked but looked at each other some. I met her at her work, a food place near where I live. We chatted for a while, laughed, some much personally needed levity. We exchanged phone #s and we parted. I plan to call her.

"What an *******, I’m all alone and now I have to read some pricks story about how he’s found someone, fresia that!"

Maybe you just thought something like that. I’d have said the same thing

My point here is and the only thing I have any faith in is unexpected things will happen. Perhaps serendipity but this is for bad things too. But the only thing I have faith in is that things will hit you in the face and change delightfully or not so but still you couldn't avoid them. I observed myself as a drove in my car home from our parting. I last minute decided to go there, didn’t know she worked there. But there she was front and center to me when I walked in. It was unavoidable and yet it was still totally avoidable. I could have not went, said to myself, well I’ll just get something at home. But I went I got much more then the food. My point being, not like its anything new but, is that have faith that things will happen to you that will change your life, and b/c our lives suck so much now it will most likely be for the better. Through just an innocuous innocent no ulterior motive action on my part, not a routine but not uncommon either, I found something that is completely unexpected and rare in my life. I don't want to come as though I’m advocating waiting. Sitting, wishing, and waiting, like the jack Johnson song. Maybe slightly. I don't know, not enough perspective yet. But I do know that if I didn't go to that food place I’d have never met her and all that may come in the future, or nothing may come of it, I’ll have to try hard and not let my inferiority complex bury me, but still it has reminded me that serendipity does happen. I didn't go there to met women and yet I did. What else could happen like that? Keep this idea like the red ember underneath the gray cool ash. When everything sux and it does, don’t lie to yourself and try to appreciate the sky or some bs like that, just remember that inevitably and for 100% fuckin' sure something is going to happen to you and completely change your way of life and hopefully the rut that we’ve created for ourselves. It has too. Our stagnant lives cannot remain that way forever, though it may seem that way at times. The change may be worse, but at least that allows for some new options, like for a cheesy cliché right now, you get in a car accident and you fall in love with the son or daughter of your physical therapist. y'know just something odd like that, something so far down the line you could have never predicted it and I now this may sound new agey but bad things may contain good things hidden behind them, and they may take a while to revel themselves, but change is the only thing that is constant in this world. Loneliness is temporary.


Invisible man

 

[Guest]

where is everybody?

 

[Guest]

I just read through nearly the whole thing, im impressed there are actually people out there with the same thought pattern as me. The thought that nothing matters, maybe if I swirve at the last second into an oncomming car on my way home from school....

no, too chicken, wouldnt do it. Serendipity, thats the only thing I can hold out for, ive been holding out for that for the last 5 years, nothing. Why wait anymore? what else do I have to wait for? everythings just gotten worse. Parents - Divorced, Pets - Dead, Step parents - *******/materalic controling personalities, Friends - few, Girlfriends - ha, what girlfriends? closest thing I had to a girlfriend died.

So what is it that serendipity can give me? I can go out and get drunk, apply for positions at dead end jobs until im out of school. Once im out of school I plan on packing up and leaveing, none would notice that I left anyway. If i get killed by a mugger or climbing up mount everest, so be it, noone would ever know and all the better anyway. why would i want anyone to care that im not around who never even cared that i was around to begin with?

words are blurring together, its late, maybe ill find a reason to get up in the morning.


I enjoyed reading your posts invisible man, and the respondants, if anyone reads this, thanks for killing some of my time if nothing else.

 

[brown]

i dont know, the more i read this post the more i think im hopeless. many people in this thread feel exactly the way i do but they say it a lot better than i would... i feel that im hopeless, but at least i dont feel so lonely quite so much. but then what if someone replies to my thread will i really not feel alone, clearly not because ive read your peoples posts and though they are similar and its a little comforting for me, i still feel alone. but then again this is probably just my head telling me im alone and my subconscience just keeping me in this state.

 

[Vector]

greeting from Vector

sorry guys, been too busy prepering for the exams!  
didnt have the chance to read all the new posts, but was glad to see gladze back and also our friend Blue collar man and of course our best friend  THE INVISIBLE MAN!
it's funny cause things are still the same! loonley to death!  
no matter how u're nice to people, no matter how you help them. you'll be always alone!!  funny though!

now i heard the news that some of my colleagues having a dinner togather next saturday! we all started togather, so no one knew others before. yeah, they're havign a dinner on saturday and i have not been even asked wether i would like to go or no!!   find myself laughing really.

still remember the 1st post for the invisible man, seems like he was writing my story not his!!! lol

now i found that it's getting hard to not be alone!        

i have missed talking to you guys, only you would understand my words.  even though we're from far distance countries.  yeah someone said, there must be something wrong!? we can't all be bad, nor abnormal!! it's the oppisit!
i think we're great people!! i really i think we're!  

it's friday night and i'm preparing myself for the fact that i have to spend the weekend alone!   :_(

 

[sinko]

Invisable man, thank you. Googled "i am lonely" and found this story wrenching and heartfelt in the same. I did not thumb through all of your posts, but in answer to your comment regarding whether it was worth it to involve yourself in relationships in some last-ditch attempt to absolve ourselves from some of the feeling. I don’t think so. I think there are many out there (and in this thread/board) that don’t fit into your “posterboy/girl” image of desperately lonely. They have friends, they hang around with many people and have activities with them in the socially-appropriate manner of
“Did you hear so-and-so.”
“Oh yeah, he/she/it/they is/are insert adjective here.”
And it is empty to them. They live even a more lonely existence than the rest because they forced hold down the puke in their throats as they speak nothingness to people who couldn’t care less. But why, why bother with this. One of the happiest times I remember of my childhood is sitting in my dark room, listening to Radiohead’s OK Computer for the first time while reading the lyrics and realizing how sad I was. Most of the other memorable times I had was when I was alone as well. I think you’re right, Invisible Man, we are addicted to the loneliness. It’s a perfect drug, free and self-sustainable. Being a psychology major, it makes no goddamn sense why it works – it should be that having meaningful connections with others of society be the true drug.
I graduate from college in a week, I’m 22, and I still don’t know who I am. I’m sure that most at this time in their lives have heard of the quarter-life crisis. Whether it’s that, or just trying to deal with this goddamned confusing world with enough education to be dissatisfied with the world but not enough to change anything, or this hatebreed society we live in, constantly in fear and self-absorbed (well, that would explain all of the I’s in this post, right), I feel without a purpose. Take my food away so I can spend my time searching for nourishment; beat me so I spend my time healing; enslave me so I can figure out what the fresia to do in the morning. Because of this, everyone I know who thinks they know where they’re going, they got into graduate school and are having the ******* time of their lives, whether friend of foe, I have begun to alienate myself from them, intentionally or unintentionally.
I want answers above all, and, most importantly, to give others who feel hallow – as so many have before – reassurance that their clumsy trials of daily life are not their own to bear. There are others.
Thanks for listening, and thank you Invisible Man – I hope that we will continue to post and this relationship will not turn out like the rest I’ve had.
Is it still too early for screwdrivers?
Sinko

 

[Guest]

Hello Sinko and Vector and Brown!

Invisible man here,

Welcome to all of our clumsy trials and tribulations

I am continually amazed at how many people (like you and I did) find there way here by typing in "I am lonely". Amazing. Hey its cool that were the same age and I really dig your line, "Take my food away so I can spend my time searching for nourishment; beat me so I spend my time healing; enslave me so I can figure out what the fresia to do in the morning." I need that. I began typing a post but left it w/o posting and now have come back and what I want to say I guess is different now. What I was originally saying was, and sinko, this I guess will be new, but that I have the fear that these posts will get redundant. I don't want that to happen. We have all admitted to our loneliness and lack of social life, what can we do now? Perhaps we can be like pen pals or have this an open blog for many people? Perhaps stories about our lives? Please anyone out there that would like to tell a little story, please please, I’d love to read, and I do read every word, at least on my thread. i'll think of an interesting funny story for next time.

I’ll tell what has been going on with me lately and then what I’ve been feeling lately.

I just got 4 wisdom teeth out, Wed. For anyone who may have to do that its really not that bad, ******* acquaintances scared me half to death before I went, but really you get knocked out and its fine, very mild to little pain. Still recuperating now. Nice b/c I have an excuse to sit home and live in my own little world, unfortunately I can't smoke pot, but soon though, how many people smoke pot out there? Don’t smoke cigarettes but love love pot, no other drugs though. But I have some chest pain which kind of sux, don't know what its from, worrying me a little. But I don't feel that bad right now, emotionally, now moving on to how I’ve been feeling lately. I may still riding off my little serendipity encounter earlier this week, but I feel depressingly optimistic. I've been alone for so long that I can stick out a little longer. Anyway I am putting my faith in unexpected events. I am confused about college, don't have a fuckin' clue what I’m doing there, no real friends, but still I feel not that bad. I don't want to make it seem like I’m saying so "lonely is beautiful" crap or anything like that, just that I feel like I am in an awaiting expectant state right now. Something comes along great, if not oh well, I’ll do what I have to do to make myself feel better, necessity is the mother of invention, like auto-erotic asphyxiation, although I would never ever try that, what an embarrassing way to go out. Perhaps what I’m also trying to get at too is that being lonely or a virgin (sore spot of embarrassment for me, b/c of the maculne culture) or having little to no social is nothing to embarrassed about or feel shame about, and I thank this forum and its posters for helping me a little with that. I had no idea that so many people feel similar to the way I have and do. Underneath our external personas whatever they look like, we are all scared vulnerable, desperate for validation and acceptance. Meaning I refuse to hide from it anymore. Not that I want to make it my centerpiece of my personality or anything, but if someone asks or prods I will gladly divulge the fact that I have no social life, that I’m lonely and confused. If nothing less than from knowing that so many of you out there feel that way secretly that just by me openly admitting it may open a deep connection between us. It may throw the person off and shock them slightly, or they may just think a “loser” and it will end there, that’s ok, nothing new for me. Let us all be open about it. We all know that there are so many quietly desperate lonely people out there. The traditional way of making friends has not worked out and we are stuck, desiring real connection. How? What I’m going to try, I have no definitive answers, is to just be honest in hopes that I will hit upon a real sensitive nerve with the other person. They think me weird, that’s fine, its not like I’m going to descend any further in social popularity. I guess what I want is a real connection built upon something like loneliness, a sensitive honest feeling. I’m going to try a make a little thought circle now. Look at tribes in Africa, they are all gone or diluted now but imagine an untainted one, decades ago. Now they are not pristine or without the faults of the western man, no noble savage or anything like that, they have all the same vices and weaknesses but I think their social interaction is much different, perhaps not better but different. They seem to me to have so much more support for family and friends, everyone knows everybody and everybody has a place and is important in some way, you have a function, responsibility and kinship with others. Marriages are typically arranged and life is very slow and predictable, but not to say stifling and stress and uncertainty filled like our way of life. The western way of life seems so much in contrast to that. I have one parent and one friend that's it. I am desperate for a social network. And not even of all "cool" friends. I thought a beautiful part of tribal life is the relationships they have with different members of the tribes. They have close connection with people of both sexes and all ages, young and elderly. How much more knowledge, wisdom and support one could gain from that. Now I know that some people do have that, well great I don't. In my direct POV in college I am no one. We are all no one. We all want friends and to be liked but seldom give it out or accept it because we are frightened of others. We all start out in social poverty. Some (like being good at investing) master the game quickly, some are all right at it, at some like me and probably a lot of you end up social hobos. Bad social resumes and little knowledge and experience and probably little inclination to change due to fear.


But it may be a personality thing. You've all noticed that some people are social virtuosos. They may be jerks and shallow but put them in any social situation and they make friends, get the girl, get the laughs, whatever. I used to be like that when I was younger and looking back I realized it took a lot of work. You don't spend a lot of time with your own ideas b/c its like being a pathetic guest on a talk show, you're always looking how to turn anything into a joke to make them like you. You never talk seriously or about something that's truly meaningful to you because that's not what you’re after at that time. Perhaps it’s more of a question of goals and motivations. I guess I really don't want a lot of friends. I know that now. And I operate and behave in that way. If I change my goals do my options change, probably? So again I’m having trouble spitting out what I what to say concisely but, going back to the tribal thing, it seems that tribal networks create a stronger social support group will makes one wealthy in relationships, in my (although I don't feel this way it is the philosophy behind it) get the money and run over anyone in your way lifestyle I am isolated in my quest for money. I don't try that hard but that is the idea for why I’m in college right now. So in a way our society produces lonely people as a by-product of its goals. We are all for our selves, capitalism, we fear each other due to many factors so numerous I won't mention them, everyone is a threat in some way, financially, physically, emotionally, or socially, or even to our reputation. We don't come into this world with a strong or at least I didn't previous social network. I came in poor and I am still poor in friends, money too but that’s another issue, or maybe its not but that’s another post. But I am not worrying about it now. I only am trying to stay honest with myself, meaning I will not hide from myself any feelings or ideas or inclinations. I must be open, non-judgmental, kind with myself. Anyway I can always feel good in my dreams and the ultimate end all in death. All of this stuff is temporary so I may as well try to make myself feel good. But I don't want to stop wallowing here. I like it here b/c I feel a connection with you admitted lonely people more than any other special interest group. Loneliness is not some superficial interest that one may pick up b/c he thinks he's good at it or it appears cool. Loneliness is the real deal, honest and vulnerable, my favorite things.

Are we creating real relationships right now with each other? I hope so. Or at least I’d like to think so. We may be permanently faceless and nameless but we don't have to be strangers to one another. This may be good for all of us, this understanding social network. This activity of Internet posting is unprecedented in history so I guess we are forging into new social territory. That's good because I dislike and suck at the other one. But I don't feel that bad emotionally right now, that’s today mind you though, two days from now, who knows. But I really enjoy this sharing aspect of the site, please share stories, we all have great ones or maybe not great ones but they are all interesting. Semi-related but I just thought of it now, anyone read David Sedaris? I think his books are fuckin’ great, very perceptive and smart, funny and great self-deprecating attitude.


And finally to the new sinko, thanks for your nice post, I really enjoyed it, which was why I wrote so much right now, please post again, what state is your college in? And you’re right there are so many degrees and shades of loneliness and isolation that there is no definitive one. Perhaps I focus on the people that have absolutely no one b/c that is much more painfully glaring to me, like what is wrong with society that that exists. Its not even like those people and me are criminals or have done evil things, we are the “good and obedient” citizens and life still blows. But don’t take me wrong I know I’m a over-privileged whiny college kid and people have it so much worse in other places and probably right next door but y’know just covering that base, I don’t want to come off as too naïve, although that may be too late. anyway,

Still as I feel and say every time thank you thank you thank you for reading and sharing. These posts and replies mean more than you think.


PS, is vodka and OJ a screwdriver?

 

[Guest]

why does no one post here?

C'mon

 

[Guest]

you guys suck

 

[sinko]

Well, I'm glad to be welcomed. It is nice to enjoy the posts of others. First and foremost, I must say that Sedaris is great. I truly enjoy reading his memoirs, getting into the life of an individuals that makes me feel so better about myself because my life is not as chaotic and insane as his but at the same time a total waste because I cannot document my life, as mundane as it is, in a humorous fashion. As for pot, I'm not that into it (I think I need some kind of network for that. I knew a guy (just knew, we tried to develop a relationship over the first year and me being too picky with my acquaintances stopped calling him) freshman year and we hung out a lot. I'll call him G. G had some good pot, real nice stuff (I guess I am taking his word for what it's worth because it was my first time trying the stuff. Said him and his brother used to smoke the same stuff with his parents and drink themselves stupid and play piano all night long, too, so he was probably full of it. Anyway, continuing this tangent, it was Friday, G and I had just got back from a movie, or something, and I was feeling especially on edge (I am a pretty nervous guy generally, but the crazy ******* drives insane - nearly ran us into a bunch of road safety barrels going about 90 mph.) I told G that I was feeling really tense and that we should get drunk to calm us down. He said we didn't have any - which was true – so he instead suggested we smoke pot. I told him that I had never done it, and he said that it was to be. I said alright, it’s college, I’m up for anything – and instead of spending the rest of my time alone I decided to do it. We met back in my room, and from under his leather black trench he pulls an empty paper towel roll, a dryer sheet, and the bag of pot. I said, “Are we making a bomb.” He said that is how we were going to smoke pot. We’d take a hit from the pipe, then blow it through the paper towel roll out our window. I said whatever, by this time I was ready to get some kind of drug in me. He went first, and I had to study his actions. He was done. After, I took a hit, and like a total wanker I coughed. He laughs. We smoke about 2 buds each, so I’m feeling it. It gets a bit hazy, I remember bits. We sat up, ate a whole bag of cheese balls, and I hate those ******* things. I felt awful. To top it off, and what made me question hanging out with G was he began to ask me what it would be like to take all of the veins and arteries out of a human and build an exact replica. He then said he would show them in their last seconds of life, and watch the horror on their face. I crashed, mostly because I wanted him to go. Threw up, the orange yellow puke looked like soap all over my floor, had to throw the rug away. But the ******* stupidest thing about it – if some one got me some, I’d do it again)
Anyways. I have been better. The last posts have been cathartic for me. The problem I am having now is that the few (3 or so) good friends I have are disappearing or leaving me behind. I have been lucky enough to go to a school where some friends of mine from grade school have gone on to. I have always had them to fall on to when I am accused by my parents of not getting out enough. Lately, though, they haven’t been calling. I usually never call them, unless I am hammered (I don’t want to keep mentioning me drinking, I’m not that kind of person, but it just happens to be when I have contact with others). My one close friend still talks to me, but it is meaningless banter. It’s forced. We have a class together, we signed up for it at the beginning of the semester – it has become a chore to converse. I think he’s done, he’s been drunk more and I’m sure he’s lonely as well. Why haven’t we talked about this? I must be that masculine American image, invisible man - that we cannot show an emotion to another (especially another man) and that we should hold it up inside, think about it rationally, or do something about it. I know he is going through the same thing. I think it is done with him – I graduate soon and he’ll be busy, me I won’t be, and it’ll end there. My other friends are busy as well. I enjoyed it at first – I always felt nervous being invited to places, meeting people is not that damned easy. Once again, the conversations are forced. A kid talked to me on the shuttle to school the other day (the one ******* day my iPod died) and told me about his life in the business world, how he is working for a huge firm and hopes he can still have time for his soon-to-be wife. I listened, and I felt like laughing. He thought I cared, or that his verbal masturbation was interesting me. I smiled and left a shuttle stop early, so I could get away from him. But now, I have begun to feel cold in my apartment. I got a new computer so I can say that I am occupying my time with that. The thing about loneliness is that it is like inertia. It may take a while for one to stop spending a lot of time with others, to stop calling your friends, your family because they don’t understand either, but once you have hit close to bottom, it is really hard to reconnect with society. Once you get there, it seems like the end will never come.
A few weeks ago, I went to some stores, different stores than I go to to buy groceries and the like. I go into the store, pick up things that I don’t need or would never buy. I make sure that some one is standing near me when I do this, and I look at the stuff like I am going to buy it. I imagine what the people are thinking. Who they think I am. A father when I hold baby food. I even asked one person how they were doing. They said “fine,” quite pleasant. In a normal situation, I would have felt so anxious that I would have stumbled over my words. But, as this different person, I felt fine. Normal. It’s no scene from One Hour Photo but I felt good. Like living in another’s skin through groceries.
Well, school calls. Exams tomorrow. Hope to hear from you all, I-man, soon.
sinko
p.s. by the way, yes oj and vodka is a screwdriver. it's all i had in the house except tequila. i guess that would be called a jack hammer or something

 

[Guest]

Hey there,

Invisible man here,

And thank you Sinko for being the only one responding, you're fuckin' awesome!!

It’s starting to feel lonely on here as well.  Sorry about your crappy pot experience, you threw up?  It should have been a lot better, no matter, one day, pot is one of the best drugs out there because it is so pussy like.  No bad side effects, real controllable high, no addiction or withdrawal, and cheap, well relatively.  If we ever meet I’ll get you some good stuff, and without the stupid dryer sheet charade.  

For any Sedaris fans I found this on the New Yorker website, great story that I don't think is in any of his books,

http://www.newyorker.com/shouts/content/articles/050613sh_shouts

Well I just found out I’m failing one of my classes today.  It’s infuriating because the class is piss easy and very boring and irrelevant, cultures of the world.  I failed because I missed two tests and the only grades you get are the best of 4 tests.  So regardless of what I know I have to take this bullshit waste of life class again because I accidentally missed their all important test dates, how fuckin' frustrating.  I probably was too depressed some mornings to go and blew off classes so in a way I deserve it.  Its just frustrating though b/c give me the test now and I’ll ace it.  fresia, such bullshit, that’s why I’ve always hated school, so many fuckin' rules and things move so slowly, I have to take the class now for another 5 months just to change that grade and I’m not going to learn anything new, what a ******* money making operation.  I should open up a college.  I looking for sympathy here and shared experiences, anyone else failed college classes?  Perhaps I scared of my dad too b/c he’s kind of a dick about school b/c I’ve constantly messed around in it and he pays the bills and I have no income and really don't want to get any.  If a business venture came up I would ditch college in a heartbeat and go full throttle in it.  Just another thought about myself in school is I’ve messed around all the time in school because I hate the format.  Sitting silently for such looooonnnnggg periods listening to honeysuckle you and the teacher both don't give a fresia about.  Were here for grades the professors are there for their paycheck.  We hope that by being there and doing well we'll get some nice paychecks in the future and the professors are just happy they got someone to pay them for the crap that they do. How fuckin' sad and pathetic, I fuckin' hate school.  But......I don't want to work.  I don't want to work b/c it feels dead-end for any of the jobs I could get right now.  I could only get employed as a body to do some repetitive task or carry honeysuckle.  I’m confused.  Just as a little example look at Sedaris, he failed out of college or got some stupid art degree but now makes millions or quite a bit reading his diary for people.  And what I love is his subject matter.  Because its funny when the army says "if someone wrote a book a about your life, would anyone want to read it", implying that joining the army will make you interesting.  Bullshit.  I love Sedaris's stuff because he writes of miniscule stuff, riding the plane, buying something, talking to someone.  By being so perceptive one can make any part of life overflowing with significance and interest.  Just proof that sometimes the traditional ways of doing things are bullshit, job, education, "real man" experience which invariably means a hard job, white or blue collar.  I think I’m just trying to rationalize my failing the class to myself.  But still maybe I need that, the failing I mean.  I care because I feel like I have no other options but I know that is not true.  All you need is money.  Not to be happy, but money buys a lot of comfort.  Walls to shield yourself from the distasteful things in life, whatever they may be to you.  I see all these clowns and morons in college united in their belief that this experience and degree will grant them a comfortable lifestyle.  But working hard everyday for it.  Maybe I should devote all my time to stocks?  Maybe should try a business venture?  What I’m trying to say is that I think college is a waste of time....for me.  It is preparation to be a good little employee, unless it’s a difficult respected stressful career, the classics like doctor lawyer, but I don’t want to do that honeysuckle.  Ii just want freedom but not by being a bum.  Our culture is messed up in that way, good smart honest people break their backs every fuckin' day for nothing, they always have fear and uncertainty, worried about their roof over their head and food.  Then if you have money, in reality some green paper you can live perpetually in fantasyland, like I just saw, those moron "girlfriends" of Hugh Heffner.  Like wow, what a life that is, what money can buy.  These girls never have to worry, work, make difficult decisions; feel stressed all because some guy with money likes them.  They can dick around on their own TV show having people love them for making inane judgments and statements and frolicking in the street in their panties.  Well life is unfair; I just hope that goes in my favor one day.  

I don’t' have a funny story today like promised b/c I’m perturbed about this grade thing, hopefully feel better tomorrow.  

And sinko, I find that similar situation with business kids too.  They love to talk about themselves in a superior way, to jerk themselves off with their words, it feels like they want you to do the same thing and that will pass for a conversation.  When they find that I make fun of myself a lot more than they usually shut up eventually.  Who cares, our messed culture needs people like that, people who place their sense of self-worth in their material achievements and what people think of them, recall Willy Loman, death of a salesman.  Those people are doomed.  


I wonder how people acted before cities?  What I mean when did we as a society think its ok to ignore everybody?  I would never want to start now because a lot of people are dicks but I guess it started when cities began, which coincides with the agricultural revolution.  So like it was said in Daniel Quinn’s, "Ishmael", the creation of food surpluses and locking them up produces as a by product human loneliness and desperation.  A society with severe haves and have-nots.  Because without agriculture we would, well we wouldn’t be alive because we were all born on food surpluses, but we would live in small tribes.  We would have never grown to our current massive population because we would have been kept under control by only eating what the earth naturally provided.  This topic is very complex and I’m going to stop there for now, but I want to say when I look at the cave paintings of animals and such and all of our art whatever medium we human beings have such beauty and power in us.  I don't believe for a fuckin' second in this negative view people seem to have of "human nature".  Like that’s why things are so messed now and will always be that way.  NO, its because of the way our culture and society is set up, which there are myriad ways to do, we live in this particular one because we were able to trample and destroy the former ones because of our massive food surplus fed population, check out Jared Diamonds, Guns Germs and steel.  We are able to trample every other civilization and make it grow food, then lock it up and have to work for again.  How ridiculous! What are we trying to do to Iraq what now?  Their way of life sux now and ours would only be a slight improvement, now they will just be killed on the inside working at starbucks.  But we are capable of such beautiful magical things yet, brilliant beings are relegated to mopping floors, pushing papers around, arguing over things that never will ultimately matter for anything, think of lawyers.  The best I can hope for is to become wealthy have an unfair advantage of the working class and live the way I desire, because unless you have a lot of money you have no freedom.  That’s the way our culture works; we are all slaves that monitor each other.  The rulers must love to see two people kill each other over money for food when really its the ruler who keeps the food locked up, and the poor cop in exchange for a little more freedom than the average slave still breaks himself for some paper as well, the system is set up beautifully in a sick way.  We are all prisoners that run the prison ourselves, the whole world, except places that haven’t been raped yet, are there any of those places left? Meaning do they lock up their food? Because if food wasn't locked up and free to get from the forest or garden why would you put on a monkey suit and go to an office? If you try to just take food, the similarly enslaved police will stop you and imprison you, they don’t want to lose their job, their actions are at the core motivate by fear like everyone else.  So you must participate in this horrible system if you want a place in the food trough.  You are in a sense murdered if you don't participate by the fact that you will starve and no of the other slaves will help you because their too scared about themselves, and rightly so.  It’s really disgusting.  America will collapse soon; the similarities with Rome are uncanny.  But undoubtedly another hate society will emerge.  You know what we need, a massive disease, a plague that wipes out 90% of the worlds population, then humans can be free again.  They may rebuild a sick society again but that will take awhile, for many years they will live in a dream like existence with no rules laws or boundaries.  Which is not to say it would be anything to fear, what is there to kill for, money? There is none. Land? Take as much as you want.  Resources? Perhaps, but so do animals, that is part of life.  I always have that nagging feeling with me that me are never living up to our true unbounded potentials.  We are yoked, mentally, physically and emotionally.  Life could be so wildly different.  There is no end to the number of ways how it could be set up.  It can’t change now though, we have too many people and not enough land to support us naturally which is why we have to rely on technical manipulative farming methods that produce the most food out of the least land but in turn create less nutritious food and poison and drain the earths natural water tables.  And just another thought before I go.  Feeding staving countries only exacerbates and increases their problem.  By feeding those poor kids in Somalia or wherever while it may sound very compassionate and philanthropic, is only letting them survive to breed.  By feeding the population they will undoubtedly fresia and have kids, their population will no doubt double in little time.  Populations will dwindle proportionally to amount of food given to them.  Increase the food, more people, less food available, less people, same amount of food, same amount of people.  That’s why agricultural societies that lock up their food surpluses are so successful in destroying those that don't, they have so many people!  Also is those socities they have free time that gives them the luxury to create weapons and transportations and other technologies that make it that much easier to destroy another civilization.  Now giving a bum in the US does not do this but feeding a massive starving population does.  It doesn't sound nice but really what needs to happen is they need to die until their population can be comfortably supported by what food is naturally available in their area.  Eventually this world will be unable to support all the people on it.  We are breeding out of control because we keep feeding ourselves more.  Eating and ******* like a virus on this planet.  Just think that North America was just open fields at one time.  What will soon happen?  Famine will become common.  Police states will emerge, if they haven't already.  People will die in the millions, wars will be constant disease will be rampant, hopefully honeysuckle hits the fan so hard that civilization as we know it is destroyed beyond recognition, we will all die in this (hopefully not violently) but for the ones that survive it may possibly be so beautiful, like the dawn of man.
  

Anyway,

If you read that thank you, read Ishmael! It changed my perception of the world and people.


Earlier I was frustrated because no one replied, I’d really like this to be a daily thing, almost like a conversation, so if you want, and only if you really want please post daily if you can, I can and will too if others do the same, I don't want to have unreciprocated posts here, feels a little pathetic.  I really enjoyed your story sinko, perhaps I’ll tell about my first time smoking pot next time, its wild. Until then I remain alone but slightly less lonely


I wonder if there are people who read this but never post, well I guess there must be b/c there is about 900 views and only 50 replies.  But I want to thank you for reading and hope you get something out these, not saying I have something you need but if these writings comfort you in any way than that’s it, I did a good job.  Please keep checking back and please

post post post!
everyday if you can!



Invisible man


PS.
anyone know of any authors like David Sedaris?

PPS.

That grocery store thing is really cool and funny, if you want i'd love to hear more about that, what  a creative idea!  what kind of stuff do you pick up?

 

[Guest]

I'm really going to have to register one day to edit my posts. I was reading over it and i apologize for all the errors, no spelling errors but alot of words missing hopefully you can get what i'm trying to say.

 

[Guest]

Good post, the one about what modern civilization is, and the fundamental question that was posted in a basement where I study "Is progress really progress?" Many, from Pope John Paul II, who criticized communism for attempting to turn people into machines, to anarchists, who hate the pope and all governments, to John Q public have asked your question.

IS MODERN CIVILIZATION REALLY MAKING THE MAN BETTER OFF? Spiritually, it certainly is not making him better off. It makes him lonely, or a fanatic like Osama or those idiot evangelicals, it dumbs him down like all those moron teenage kids that listen to rap but don't understant honeysuckle in this world, etc... OR DOES IT? After all, our civilization is made by us, all of us. We made it, I guess what I mean is, maybe we messed up, but after all it's our fault?

Perhaps its the simple fact that we are animals. And animals need to breed and live. So everything propels us to this point. Look at invisable man, he always says he's a virgin, wants a girlfriend, blames it partially on masculine society. But what if all Americans started acting like him, and me, and you, then another mean society would kill us and our children. It's the way of the world, kill or be killed, outbreed the other race, and let's face it, some races are clearly inferior en masse. It sucks, I hate it....

Finally, let us not forget, it is the way of the universe, for what if there are others out there? If we do not adavnce our steel, germs, guns, technology, loneliness bureucracy, we die. So what can we do?

HOPE FOR AN AFTERLIFE OF HEAVEN, or for the non-believers ATTACK THE PRESENT SYSTEM IN OUR OWN WAYS

For instance, make a crapload of money and not have to work anymore or take orders or any of school's garbage. Or physically go crazy and spew our rage physically, which I personally don advocate at all. ATTACKING THE SYSTEM USUALLY MEANS PLAYING TO IT, BECAUSE THE SYSTEM IS BASED ON ATTACK-DEFEND.

So if you don't believe in God and heaven, you are messed. Well partially.

And so we come to this forum, you are partially messed if you have no friends, or confidantes or girlfriends. Cause then it sucks, and you're lonely, and you see things clearly, and you see the truth, and maybe you don't want to see the truth, the INESCAPABLE HARD, HARSH REALITY. And then you want some human connection, to at least get your mind off these thoughts, or you turn to marijuana, or booze and whatever the fresia the SYSTEM HAS CREATED TO DEAL WITH ITS OWN PARADOXES OF DESTRUCTION. And so is our life.

You cannot quit college in your present mental state, or break the shell of conformity. But courage, one of the highest forms of self control, SELF-ATTACK, can lead you to a path where you say fresia you to everything you don't care about and do whatever the fresia you want. If that means just getting a job, as I would, then so be it.

Practically he who controls the purse, i.e. the food that keeps you alive controls you. So your father controls you. You can either fresia college and brake his control, get some sort of scholarship military, or otherwise, or a job, and so satisfy what's expected but break control, or simply continue the status quo.

That's my rant for the day. I'm going to end with my favorite line

fresia SCHOOL I always hated that honeysuckle and always will, I'm a worker and an underachiever, not made for the ******* bullshit school system.

fresia SCHOOL

 

[Guest]

blue collar boy posted the above post, btw