Male co-worker issues

[mariposa_1985]

Hello,

There is a coworker who has been into me for about 2 years, but I con not accept him for personal reasons. There is almost nothing to tell about my relationship with him because nothing happened at all.

Yet, recently, he changed his behaviour toward me by being cold and even ignoring within a group of people. However, when I approached him to clarify the isssue, he tried to hug me over an argument.

The fact is that we still talk to each other but he still did not cool down.

I have been sick for aout two weeks, but he has never texted me not even once during my sick to ask about me. Very cruel!

Can anyone explain me what I should understand?

Thank you

 

[Finished]

First off, welcome to this forum!

IMO, It sounds like mixed messages on both sides. He may not be able to understand the signals you are sending him. Many males, including myself, have a hard time understand the messages unless they are clearly spoken to us. Also, he may be feeling a little hurt if he thinks he was rejected. You need to be clear and tell him how you actually feel about him and what you want or don't want from him. But, try to be nice about it if it's possible. Sometimes it's not.

 

[mariposa_1985]

Actually I have always been clear about my relationship with him, but he kept chasing me despite my rejection. The fact is that his change inbehaviour is sudden. I just reembered that he made me understand that either I accept him or he will ignore me. Does not this sound like toxic?

 

[ewomack]

It's hard to say without knowing either of you, of course, but he may need some time to adjust to the circumstances. He was chasing you and maybe he thought that you were playing "hard to get" (one of the many relationship games that both men and women sometimes play), but then he finally realizied that you just weren't interested, so his behavior changed. He may have a hard time being your friend since he has deeper feelings for you. I don't know if I would call that "toxic" or not. It's just as likely that he's giving himself some space. It can be hard for some people to continue to communicate with those who reject them. You didn't do anything wrong, of course, but the situation is an awkward one. I would give him the benefit of the doubt and consider that he's become distant because he's hurt. It sounds like you both may need some time apart to let the air clear. Also consider that I'm not familiar with how relationships work in Algeria, so I might be missing some big issues.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Actually I have always been clear about my relationship with him, but he kept chasing me despite my rejection. The fact is that his change inbehaviour is sudden. I just reembered that he made me understand that either I accept him or he will ignore me. Does not this sound like toxic?

Hmm sounds like you know where you stand, he's ignoring you because he feels rejected and like his efforts are wasted in this particular situation. Annoying for you, as you probably just want to get on with your co workers, however, he doesn't want to be friends, and he is making that clear. I'd suggest just respecting that, not much else you can do.

 

[mariposa_1985]

I guess all ofyou may be right. Actually, he already told me that he loves me, and it was not a joke!

 

[user 176211]

Hello,

There is a coworker who has been into me for about 2 years, but I con not accept him for personal reasons. There is almost nothing to tell about my relationship with him because nothing happened at all.

Yet, recently, he changed his behaviour toward me by being cold and even ignoring within a group of people. However, when I approached him to clarify the isssue, he tried to hug me over an argument.

The fact is that we still talk to each other but he still did not cool down.

I have been sick for aout two weeks, but he has never texted me not even once during my sick to ask about me. Very cruel!

Can anyone explain me what I should understand?

Thank you

Hi Mariposa

First of all, welcome!

I saw your post and wanted to weigh in because I am familiar with this situation. And I was hoping that I could lend insights from the guy's perspective. I was actually that guy before.

There was an amazing woman at my job that I was absolutely head over heels for at one point. She was/is everything that I could imagine if I could design the perfect gal on a computer program lol. She is funny, exotic, humble, down to earth, SUPER intelligent and well read/studied. I used to get into amazing conversations with her about art, science, politics, film, growing up, jokes. ANYTHING. We just "clicked" in theory.

It was just one of those kinds of things where things work so well between two people, that the guy (I'm saying "guy" because I can't speak to a woman's experience) just convinces himself that he should make a move.

It took me tons of courage and weeks to figure out a game plan. But I created a "hangout" between us that in my mind could have been an impromptu date.

I want to make it clear that I never crossed a line or was untoward with her in any way. We have both always had good rapport.

I made my my intentions clear to her and she just didn't reciprocate. There's nothing wrong with that. She just didn't view me with the same admiration I viewed her. She let me down easy and it was polite and all of that.

But from a guy's perspective, when you lay your cards out on the table like that, its tough. You might not necessarily have any negative feelings towards the person. But its hard to face them. It doesn't matter your age haha! Me? I went home for WEEKS after work, sick to my stomach, and couldn't do anything but lay back in my bed and listen to music with my headphones on and play catch with a rubber ball and the ceiling. I even called out sick a few days that I didn't have the mental energy it took to avoid her.

Me personally, I just couldn't be around her because I was embarrassed. I was a little angry, not with her, but with the universe because having her attention was something that I wanted most in the world at the time. And it wasn't possible, for absolutely no good reason I estimated. Also, when the rose tinted glasses fall off, I started to look at myself and her and wonder what in the world I ever thought she would want to do with me when she could literally pick and choose any man in the world that she wants, I'm sure.

After a little while to myself, I was able to face her again, but I did create a healthy and friendly cordial and professional arms length distance with her. This is no reflection on her, but I can speak out of experience and the experiences I've witnessed of just becoming "the nice guy". I don't care who you talk to, no guy wants to be "the nice guy". Its annoying. Its almost belittling. I'm not saying you'd do that. You seem like a nice and reasonable person. But guys just don't want to risk falling in "the friend zone" that way.

My suggestion is to just let this guy be. There's nothing you're ever going to be able to say that will make things identical to the way it was. If you're overly nice to him, it's going to feel condescending and like you're doing it out of pity (trust me). You're just now two equals and if he speaks, hey, he's just another guy from work. You'll never really know if he's doing it to avoid embarrassment. I know I did. And you didn't do anything wrong. You just were not able to reciprocate. And that doesn't make you a bad person.

Good luck to both of you!

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

A lot of the time when men are at work, they're at work.
The cognitive and mechanical part of our brain is the primary and dominant part of our brain, the social and emotional part of our brain is the secondary, at least in most cases.
Could've been an oversight on his behalf, or a misunderstanding of your needs --perhaps maybe he thinks he should leave you alone and let you get rest, or perhaps he doesn't want to bother you considering the dispute and that illnesses have a tendency to make people moody.

I actually have to troubleshoot this all the time, I manage a staff of like 8 women.
I don't really check up on them unless something dramatic happens, or if I notice that something is definitely wrong like their body language, complexion, or any signs of, well, general "not being okay-ness."

I can text them any time, most of them I've worked with for a year or two or longer, but I don't because I don't want to muddy the waters and compromise my position as manager by seeming like I'm getting too close, and it could possibly be that as well, he might just be afraid he'd lose his job if you freak out and go to Human Resources or management about him messaging you too much, because that's a thing and that does happen so a lot of the time men just simply will not make the first move on a girl they work with.

 

[U-122]

It's never a good idea to pursue co-workers. It didn't always work for me. I had no other options besides school and work. Didn't like dating sites. When i was younger it worked one time for me but backfired later. That guy should know better not to pursue anyone at work and know his place. If anyone is interested in him he'll know/feel it. If not, no need to show any feelings for others. It's pointless. If i was in his place i'd keep distance from everyone.