Married but feel so lonely

[Em83x]

Hi everyone,
Don’t really know where to start without everything I say just sounding really moany. It’s 2.45 am and I’m sat in my living room feeling so lonely which happens most nights. It’s like my second secret life that nobody knows about. My husband and children are asleep upstairs. Basically, my children are my entire world obviously but me and husband literally hardly talk. We discuss what I should do for tea and have we paid bills etc but beyond that - nothing. He kisses me bye on the cheek in the morning and that is the most physical connection I have had in 2.5 years. I mention this regularly as this side of a relationship is really important to me but nothing changes. I regularly tell him how unhappy I am and he just says “how has this all come from me not…… cleaning his hair from the drain, for example. I’ll say it’s not from that, this is how I always feel and he just rolls his eyes and walks away. I’m so desperately unhappy but can’t break our family up as I act happy around the kids and it would be terrrible for them if they knew otherwise. I really want to get myself into a happier place and in the future start going on dates and find someone who sees me. I’m stuck. Sorry moan over x

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I just wanna say, your marriage sounds worth fighting for, maybe you and your husband need to start dating again. Start falling in love with each other again. Even if you said you want 30 mins, to both tell each other how you feel with rules, no running away or getting mad, just honest conversation. I think there will be rough patches, but I hope you can both turn this around for your happiness and your children

 

[TheRealCallie]

I’m so desperately unhappy but can’t break our family up as I act happy around the kids and it would be terrrible for them if they knew otherwise

If they are older than 5 or 6, they probably know you aren't happy. I did it too. When you are in that situation, you think you are the best actress ever, but you are only really fooling yourself and people who don't want to see the truth.
Staying together for the kids is not going to work. You need to be happy so those kids of yours get the most out of life. Do you really think your kids would want you to be this unhappy just for them?

Anyway, welcome to the forum.

Also, I wanted to add. Do something to start reclaiming your life. Go out, have fun, get new hobbies. Anything to get you out and start finding yourself again. You don't have to leave to do that much. Meet new people, volunteer (hell, get your kids into volunteering), just get away from your husband and find something that is all your own so you don't have to be so unhappy anymore. I'm not saying cheat, I'm saying rediscover who you are and who you want to be

 

[Finished]

Hi everyone,
Don’t really know where to start without everything I say just sounding really moany. It’s 2.45 am and I’m sat in my living room feeling so lonely which happens most nights. It’s like my second secret life that nobody knows about. My husband and children are asleep upstairs. Basically, my children are my entire world obviously but me and husband literally hardly talk. We discuss what I should do for tea and have we paid bills etc but beyond that - nothing. He kisses me bye on the cheek in the morning and that is the most physical connection I have had in 2.5 years. I mention this regularly as this side of a relationship is really important to me but nothing changes. I regularly tell him how unhappy I am and he just says “how has this all come from me not…… cleaning his hair from the drain, for example. I’ll say it’s not from that, this is how I always feel and he just rolls his eyes and walks away. I’m so desperately unhappy but can’t break our family up as I act happy around the kids and it would be terrrible for them if they knew otherwise. I really want to get myself into a happier place and in the future start going on dates and find someone who sees me. I’m stuck. Sorry moan over x

I agree. It still sounds like there's something there worth fighting for. For whatever reason he might be done talking with you about your relationship. As boring and common as it sounds a neurtal third party, a marriage counselor, might be able to get him to open up about his feelings and get his point of view. That person can then be to go between to help get you two talking again. Something may have happened that he doesn't want to talk or think about so he's avoiding all conversation. All I know for sure is that no talking is bad and it needs to be rectified in a slow calm manor not with arguments and accusations. Trust has been lost somewhere.

 

[Yeti1980]

The main thing here is that you both need to talk, there's a long relationship, a marriage and a family all at stake. Find out what he's thinking and feeling, and tell him your thoughts and feelings. There's a lot going unsaid between you and it's causing division by the sound of things.

It will be an elephant in the room until it's addressed.

 

[Random_guy]

I understand.
I'm in same situation

 

[user 136944]

Hello there... I was in the exact same situation with my ex wife, it's totally horrible. Please don't take this the wrong way, but your statement:

my children are my entire world obviously

I believe is a really problematic stance that many women seem to adhere to without question, nor either knowing or understanding what being a man, husband and father often feels like.... of course you wouldn't as you are female.
I do think you have something to try to salvage though, but staying together simply for 'the kids' never works in the end.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I believe is a really problematic stance that many women seem to adhere to without question, nor either knowing or understanding what being a man, husband and father often feels like.

How is this problematic and what does it have to do with the father? Just because a woman feels that way doesn't mean the man can't too. What is someone's "entire world" is really up to the individual person. It's not a first come first serve thing. Multiple people can have the same "entire world."

 

[user 136944]

It 'is' problematic... There are literally thousands of accounts of marriage breakdowns because the woman (mum) made it clear to the man that he is basically a second class citizen behind her, the kids, her mum, her girlfriends, the dog.. and then him, and then continues this mindset even when said children have grown up. Women (especially angry ones) like say say: oh boo hoo, when men complain of things like this, but are then the first to sit in bemusement as to why thier husbands are seemingly distant or have even left altogether. Sorry OP, im not saying this is your situation, im simply replying to the above comment.

 

[TheRealCallie]

It 'is' problematic... There are literally thousands of accounts of marriage breakdowns because the woman (mum) made it clear to the man that he is basically a second class citizen behind her, the kids, her mum, her girlfriends, the dog.. and then him, and then continues this mindset even when said children have grown up. Women (especially angry ones) like say say: oh boo hoo, when men complain of things like this, but are then the first to sit in bemusement as to why thier husbands are seemingly distant or have even left altogether. Sorry OP, im not saying this is your situation, im simply replying to the above comment.

That's a whole lot of assumptions on relationships you know nothing about. You have no clue what is happening behind the scenes, yet you have made it the woman's fault. You don't even consider that maybe the MAN is the one who forced to woman to see her kids as their entire world? You don't think maybe the man was distant long before the kids came? Maybe the man works long hours and/or out of town. Maybe the man is abusive, maybe the man is cheating, maybe this, maybe that. See how quickly I can turn that around based on assumptions?

Perhaps it's "problematic" that men seem to just get to decide how it is and there's no telling them any different, because clearly they know all about women and what they do or think....
Perhaps this happened to you and you're just generalizing because you are angry.

Also, just because you see what's on the surface, doesn't mean that's the whole story. I certainly didn't tell everyone my marriage "broke down" because my husband was an abusive alcoholic.

 

[user 136944]

Calm down dear...

 

[TheRealCallie]

So, you don't just assume, you also patronize. Nice. I'm perfectly calm, thanks, but I'm certainly not your "dear."

 

[phant0m]

The dating market isn't much better. Don't fool yourself, guys out here will holla at you, give you a lot of attention, hit it and quit it.

Today's dating scene is brutal, its hookup based.

I would encourage you to have a serious talk with your husband, get counseling, talk to him about what you need from him

 

[The Wanderer]

As someone who has been a marriage counselor for the past fifteen years I can fully understand and sympathize with your position.
I can confidently tell you that an affair is the only answer to your problems. I will e-mail you with a list of worthy candidates. Well, its more like one name but please don't let that discourage you.
I'll send it as soon as possible, there will likely be a delay due to several class actions my office is currently facing.

(Sorry about your situation, hope this made you laugh.)