Maybe I've always been kind of depressed?

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insecure

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I have often thought about this, but I cannot pinpoint any period of my life in which I was really happy.
I always was kind of sad and lonely, though there was one period where I felt loved, but it was an impossible love from a distance.

What I also remember is that my highs never seemed to be as high as other people's.
So, for instance, as a child I would see another kid get on a swing, their mom or dad would push them, and they would jeer and cheer of sheer pleasure.
It would make me feel that I must try that too.
When I got onto it, it just felt kind of 'nice', but I did not have that high feeling of extreme joy, so I wasn't screaming for joy, just content I did not fall off.

I still have like 100 old cassette tapes I recorded from CDs, most songs are sad songs, songs about failed relationships.
Somehow it always felt like I would not be able to successfully build a relationship, and this has not really changed.

At school, I was bullied a lot, and I do not know if this is due to my being different, radiating the unhappiness or if unhappiness actually stems from that.
Even at 10 or 11 I would worry if I was ever going to make enough friends, let alone have a good relationship.

So I wonder if I was actually born sad.

I also had this naïve idea that maybe elsewhere things would be different.
I had a talent for languages, so I learned a lot of them.
It also served as a way of fleeing my problems, and it seemed better than alcohol or drugs.
But of course, even though I can talk to people in various countries, there's one language I don't speak: the language of love and social interaction.
I would love to travel more, but after a couple of days, I always feel lonely, and when I am in a group, I keep getting the idea that I am boring others, and annoying them.
I find it really hard to let go of that idea.
 
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it just felt kind of 'nice', but I did not have that high feeling of extreme joy, so I wasn't screaming for joy,
Not everyone displays "happiness" in the same way. Just because you weren't screaming for joy doesn't mean you weren't having fun. Aside from that, not every kid likes the swings.

When you're depressed, it can be hard to look back and find "happy times" because it's difficult to see through the depression. Some people make the good times grander than they actually were and some people diminish the good times, things are rarely remember accurately.

Problems have a way of following you, so if you do decide to move, be careful that you not take that particular baggage. Maybe try interacting with people more. Use forum like this or chat rooms and try to build your skills. And stop trying to think for other people, maybe you are "boring" them, but if they continue to include you, it can't be that horrible.
 
I have often thought about this, but I cannot pinpoint any period of my life in which I was really happy.
I always was kind of sad and lonely, though there was one period where I felt loved, but it was an impossible love from a distance.

What I also remember is that my highs never seemed to be as high as other people's.
So, for instance, as a child I would see another kid get on a swing, their mom or dad would push them, and they would jeer and cheer of sheer pleasure.
It would make me feel that I must try that too.
When I got onto it, it just felt kind of 'nice', but I did not have that high feeling of extreme joy, so I wasn't screaming for joy, just content I did not fall off.

I still have like 100 old cassette tapes I recorded from CDs, most songs are sad songs, songs about failed relationships.
Somehow it always felt like I would not be able to successfully build a relationship, and this has not really changed.

At school, I was bullied a lot, and I do not know if this is due to my being different, radiating the unhappiness or if unhappiness actually stems from that.
Even at 10 or 11 I would worry if I was ever going to make enough friends, let alone have a good relationship.

So I wonder if I was actually born sad.

I also had this naïve idea that maybe elsewhere things would be different.
I had a talent for languages, so I learned a lot of them.
It also served as a way of fleeing my problems, and it seemed better than alcohol or drugs.
But of course, even though I can talk to people in various countries, there's one language I don't speak: the language of love and social interaction.
I would love to travel more, but after a couple of days, I always feel lonely, and when I am in a group, I keep getting the idea that I am boring others, and annoying them.
I find it really hard to let go of that idea.
A romantic lol.
Long time ago, I forget where I read this, but I read that a romantic type of person lives in the past and in melancholy. Bit like that myself, sometimes. Maybe that's just who you are.

And you know what? Maybe that's fine. As long as you remember the melancholy won't last and that there are people out there, family, friends, potential lovers, children, etc. that love you for whom you are.
 
Not everyone displays "happiness" in the same way. Just because you weren't screaming for joy doesn't mean you weren't having fun. Aside from that, not every kid likes the swings.

When you're depressed, it can be hard to look back and find "happy times" because it's difficult to see through the depression. Some people make the good times grander than they actually were and some people diminish the good times, things are rarely remember accurately.

Problems have a way of following you, so if you do decide to move, be careful that you not take that particular baggage. Maybe try interacting with people more. Use forum like this or chat rooms and try to build your skills. And stop trying to think for other people, maybe you are "boring" them, but if they continue to include you, it can't be that horrible.
But when I was 10 or 11 I wasn't happy either, it 's not just about looking back from my current age (53), I still have a hand-written poetry album of those days, it had titles such as "The dog that wouldn't bark", though those poems were fairly childlike, several titles were giveaways that I wasn't really happy.

And yes, I'm not even talking about moving, just being on holiday for example.
If you're feeling unhappy, you can go to a nice sunny place, but you will not really enjoy it.
 
A romantic lol.
Long time ago, I forget where I read this, but I read that a romantic type of person lives in the past and in melancholy. Bit like that myself, sometimes. Maybe that's just who you are.

And you know what? Maybe that's fine. As long as you remember the melancholy won't last and that there are people out there, family, friends, potential lovers, children, etc. that love you for whom you are.
Well, if I had been happy in the past, I could call myself that, but I wasn't happy then either.
And no, not sure there are many people who love me for whom I am.
 
Not everyone displays "happiness" in the same way. Just because you weren't screaming for joy doesn't mean you weren't having fun. Aside from that, not every kid likes the swings.

When you're depressed, it can be hard to look back and find "happy times" because it's difficult to see through the depression. Some people make the good times grander than they actually were and some people diminish the good times, things are rarely remember accurately.

Problems have a way of following you, so if you do decide to move, be careful that you not take that particular baggage. Maybe try interacting with people more. Use forum like this or chat rooms and try to build your skills. And stop trying to think for other people, maybe you are "boring" them, but if they continue to include you, it can't be that horrible.
I agree
 
That's definitely possible. I was never happy. I rarely enjoyed myself. Mostly I just worked towards a better future. I mostly ignored the present. Everything I worked towards was to get me to here. And now my future is my present and it sucks. Even now I'm trying to plan for something better. Maybe I will always be chasing a better life and never really enjoy the one I have.
 
I think you might be expecting too much from others or life.
It's a roller-coaster ride...so hold on tight !
Actually my life has been more like I'm constantly pulling a boulder behind me. It's been a struggle.

iu
 
"...some are born to sing the blues..."

I've never been, "happy," most of my life. I've experienced a lot of profound beauty and sorrow though. I find that more valuable.

Haven't really thought about what happiness, for me, would even be? Enjoyment, probably...

There's this youtube personality i know of that always seems in good cheer, very funny. He gets cluster headaches, though. I've heard some people get cluster headaches so bad they consider suicide...

I'm just rambling... Happiness doesn't interest me right now; maybe that's a problem? I'd rather be content, at peace, emotionally alive..

I kind of wonder what happiness is, now. Maybe I'll think on it some...

one last note: I dunno about others, but, I think the way we feel in a moment can color our memory. I'm sure there are many times in my past when I was happy; but, I suppose I don't always think of those times...
 
Yes, Tropical Starfish, there is some truth in what you say that it is hard to define what true happiness is.
It 's certainly true that memory can be affected by the way you feel at the moment, but I really know I wasn't happy, if only by thinking of the songs I used to have on the cassette tapes I recorded at the times and the songs I used to love.
The song titles just spell loneliness.

Just When I Needed You Most (Randy Van Warmer)
It never happens to me (The Assembly)
Old and Wise (The Alan Parsons Project)

I could make a whole list of songs I used to like, and I still like most of them, and they are very melancholic, most of them about an impossible, unrequited love, though in reality it felt more like I could not find love.
 
I still get out of bed, Ofelia, and go to work.
Bad moods, yes, I often have negative thoughts.
Unwillingness to live is kind of there, I have thought of suicide, but I'm too much of a coward to go that way, and I guess I still hope to get over my issues.
So not sure if this is depression, or a milder form of negative thoughts.
I do know that I often wonder what I am doing in this world, always alone, yet unable to find someone who could love me.
 
Well if youre never really happy that is also a form of depression yeah.

Ive also had extended periods like that in my life, paired with nihilism its not a good mindset to be in.
 
I have a relative who struggled with depression and anxiety. Their doctor prescribed them ba depression med which helped them greatly.

Other ppl have found relief through group/ individual therapy. Because sometimes it's a matter of recognising the negative thought challenging it and changing it.

The good news is there is hope; I say that from exp. 🥳 (I have been absolutely miserable before, even recently, but emotionally/ physically survived, so far. 😉)
 

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