Mindset matters

[Yaku]

So a few days ago I posted a thread about how I felt out of phase with the world, like a ghost. Today I tried changing my mindset and just wanted to share my experience here.

I went out again today but with a more positive outlook. I dressed myself nicely and tried to be more relaxed. There was a marked difference in how people responded. At the store where I was basically ignored previously, people made eye contact and one guy even made a joke. I felt 'present' and relevant.

I bought myself a soft drink and drove to a mountain road not too far from home. I parked next to the road and sat on a large rock in the sun drinking my beverage. The cool breeze came up from the valley and the gorgeous countryside spread out below me. Everything felt right. I did not even think about loneliness. As if me being okay with myself for a change was all I needed. On the way home I listened to a song I hadn't heard for a while and the words were fitting: "look who's alone now, it's not me, it's not me".

So what changed between these two days? The world definitely did not. The only thing that changed was my attitude. Insecurity attracted negative events and feelings on the previous trip. Confidence attracted positive feelings and events on this one.

I'm starting to think that my loneliness is just a symptom of an underlying emptiness. And I'm starting to think that emptiness is not knowing myself, not valuing myself, and not being on my own side. Not selfishness but self worth. Maybe that's why when I was in a relationship I also sometimes felt alone.

Maybe if I'm okay with myself, I would not fall for controlling and manipulative people that initially appear to be a fix for what I lack. Maybe if I'm okay with myself my relationships would have a stronger foundation. And if I'm okay with myself, I would be okay alone. Like how I felt on that mountain today.

The main problem is accepting who I am, because I am far from perfect.

Anyway thanks for reading, and I hope there is some truth here someone could benefit from.

Love from your fellow loner.

 

[user 135067]

People gravitate toward the positive. They will shun the negative.

Better self appreciation is going to open up potential for relationships. You could even find a partner.

Mostly, holding on to a positive attitude will go a long way toward fighting depression. That alone promotes a better existence.

Hold on to your new self. Let us know how things progress.

 

[M_also_lonely]

Congratulations for waking up. Your journey begins.

 

[9006]

Yeah a change in mindset can make a load of difference, but a lot of people dismiss it and moan "I wish it was that easy", or something like that.

 

[user 135067]

Yeah a change in mindset can make a load of difference, but a lot of people dismiss it and moan "I wish it was that easy", or something like that.

Like depression, negativity feeds negativity. It takes an effort to change. One must want the change enough to put in the effort.

 

[Finished]

Good job! I actually like to be ghost when I go out so I purposely dress down, not clean shaved, old shoes, old hat. I could pass for someone looking for a handout. So, people typically ignore me and stay out of my way. But, when I dress nice and clean shaved people make eye contact with me, are more friendly, and some even start talking to me.

So, absolutely! How you appear is huge in how people treat you. And your attitude shows through as well. If you want a job as a computer programmer then dress like one. If you want a job as whatever you should look like they do. If you want people to think you are nice then smile and greet them.

 

[Butterfly 2]

Good job! I actually like to be ghost when I go out so I purposely dress down, not clean shaved, old shoes, old hat. I could pass for someone looking for a handout. So, people typically ignore me and stay out of my way. But, when I dress nice and clean shaved people make eye contact with me, are more friendly, and some even start talking to me.

So, absolutely! How you appear is huge in how people treat you. And your attitude shows through as well. If you want a job as a computer programmer then dress like one. If you want a job as whatever you should look like they do. If you want people to think you are nice then smile and greet them.

People avoid eye contact with you when you dress down because they are afraid you are going to ask them for money.

 

[Yaku]

People avoid eye contact with you when you dress down because they are afraid you are going to ask them for money.

On one of my worse days I was walking through the parking lot to my car and a woman gave me R2.50 (about $0.14) and said "I hope everything works out" thinking I was homeless. I just smiled and thanked her, but Imagine her surprise when she saw me get into my car (which was a newer model than hers and was ironically parked right next to hers) and drive off.

 

[Butterfly 2]

On one of my worse days I was walking through the parking lot to my car and a woman gave me R2.50 (about $0.14) and said "I hope everything works out" thinking I was homeless. I just smiled and thanked her, but Imagine her surprise when she saw me get into my car (which was a newer model than hers and was ironically parked right next to hers) and drive off.

Your story will be in one of the articles that are frequently published about not giving money to the homeless, especially since she saw you walking to a nicer car than hers.

I no longer give the homeless a penny and it's mainly because I don't carry any money with me when I am out and about. But the other reason is that we used to live in a different area of town and every time we went to the grocery store, the young homeless who lived in a shed in that area would ask for money and I would always reach in my purse, which I do carry when I go shopping, and give them a handful of change. One day I got to thinking that it was about $5 in change and the guy was about 20 years old and I remembered working 40 to 60 hours when I was that age so I thought that's enough of that. On the flip side, some of the homeless in the area that we have become acquainted with will say they are hungry and I have gone home to make a bagged meal and bring it to them. I don't think that's going to happen anymore either because one of them told me that he hasn't eaten for 2 days so I brought him a meal and he laid it on the bench beside him and I saw him the next morning and again he said he hasn't eaten for 2 days. That's maybe one of the reasons we are taught to help them in organized groups rather than on our own.

 

[okidoke]

Nice one. As I noted elsewhere, we are our own worst enemy.

 

[alphabet]

The first step into becoming a better person, is seeing your own flaws.

 

[Richard_39]

The first step into becoming a better person, is seeing your own flaws.

This. I think it's one of the hardest things to actually do. Take a good long look at yourself and admit to that mirror that you're not everything you should, or want to be, then actively try and change it. I've always life as a quest to becoming the best person you can be. Mindset, I think, is everything.

 

[cyan]

I'm starting to think that my loneliness is just a symptom of an underlying emptiness. And I'm starting to think that emptiness is not knowing myself, not valuing myself, and not being on my own side. Not selfishness but self worth. Maybe that's why when I was in a relationship I also sometimes felt alone.

Wow, that is spot on! I also had similar results when changing my mindset, just the little things about my day here and there. The more effort I put into what I was doing, the more accomplished I felt, and the less lonely AKA empty I felt at the end of the day! So, very well put.