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Wrong

Silent Hill
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This is a hard thread for me to start, but my mother. She's been telling me all my life what a failure I am, because she resents me not having been born as a daughter. For you see my parents first child was born dead, and she was a girl. Then they had my two brothers, then years later after my middle brother, me. They full-on expected me to be born as a girl, specially considering the hospital I was born in for a long time had nothing but girls being born. Imagine the disappointment.

Ever since I started living on my own at age 23, she's been giving me these I dunno, I call em "needle pricks" to let me know time and again what a piece of shit I am. A great example of that was when a neighbor woman was stalking and harassing me. I never cry, that day I cried because that woman was driving me insane. Constantly calling the cops on me for no reason (even once when I was asleep), putting weird things in my mail box, all sorts of weird shit. I had my mother on the phone because I needed comfort. Her reply was that I am "a never ending chain of failure." That one stuck. I'm in my late 40s now and it still stuck. Then another time she told me she wished I had been transgender, because "at least then she would have had a nice daughter."

Theres tons of examples, but my mother, she's just cancer. I cut all ties with my parents for 3 years until my dad got sick and she called me to tell me. I felt bad so I stayed in touch, big mistake. Even though my father is sick and at the moment basically just waiting for death in a nursing home, she felt like just starting her shit again. I told her off and even called her a name, which she was angry and sad about, it was the one and only time I ever did this in my entire life.

I've never gotten love from her, she never ever told me she loved me. And despite me having talents (i'm an artist) she's never told me she's proud of me, ever. My oldest brother he's what I like to call "golden boy", he can do no wrong and they always brag to people about him. Once I had an art expo and my parents didn't even go there to see it. I told her I bet had it been him, they woulda practically lived at that gallery and I wouldn't have heard the end of it. Because you see, every great thing he does, I have to hear. Thats another thing, I can never tell her something i'm proud of I did, because she'll pretty much immediately switch the conversation to something about him, and how great he is. The weird thing is I never even been jealous of the guy, I don't even want his life it seems like grim death to me how he lives. Although sure, he's rich and successful. Which to me doesn't really mean anything, I wouldn't want that.

As a kid I grew up believing we were the only normal family in the entire world. No, really. Because that was their approach to life, and talking about how weird other people are. Even having a dog or a pet was weird, we never had any and we never ever went on holidays. My mom has this thing I dunno if she's really like a germophobe but the house was so clean I swear to God you can have an open heart surgery on the kitchen table or hell even the floor and it would be completely sterile enough. Heck, you could even use the kitchen utensils. No problem. Its all she does, clean, clean, clean. Even to the point where my dad was sometimes fed up with her constant cleaning. Sometimes in the summer i'd wanna sit outside with a comic book and some soda, so i'd get that. But God forbid I had to take a pee before hand, because then it would all be already cleaned up, that comic book and the soda. Not kidding, it was that bad. She has this eczema on her hands so while cleaning (which is pretty much always) she wears those kitchen rubber gloves, you know the type, the yellow ones. I always tell people I was raised with rubber gloves on. I really was, in a sterile environment with hardly any crap laying around that wasn't intended to be there, and everything as I remember just grey. Fucking grey and white.

One time as a kid, I was about 7 or 8 I think, I was bored out of my skull because it was summer vacation and of course we never went on holidays, so I'd always be the one left with all my friends just gone for weeks. So this one time I played with a kid who happened to be there and was a little younger than me, so he played in the sandbox. We both did, me just out of pure misery and boredom. Then my mom came bicycling towards me angry, God knows how she even noticed because it was way at the end of our street, "Aren't you too old for that now blablabla" and I would be put under the shower and my clothes in the washing machine.

I don't know how I did it but despite me as a kid having been quite a firefly and starting tons of fires (I guess to get rid of my pure hate for life, since I was also beaten about 40 times a day by other kids in school, not just bullied no man, beaten, by tons of kids) I somehow always managed to keep my clothes clean as a kid, at a certain point. And God knows how I did it, but I did, and managed to do it. Then of course whenever she smelled smoke, I'd tell her i had been hanging out with smoking kids. Which was sorta true, most my friends smoked, yeah this was the 80s, you could buy anything as a kid back then if you'd just tell em you were buying it for your dad. Whenever there were school pictures I didn't even know, because I'm pretty chaotic, but I'd never ever have a problem. I'd always be dressed perfectly for school pictures. And always clean, I had to be, or i'd be in a heap of trouble. To this day I still have an aversion to cleaning because of her. Whenever I do need to clean I can't help but think about her.

I even told my therapist with my hate for my mother, and women in general (also because of exes, its why I've been completely alone for over 9 years now, no offense to any women here, truly. Its my problem and I wish I didn't hate women, I just can't help it, sorry.) its a god damn miracle I didn't grow up to become a serial killer. As for the fires well I stopped doing that at a certain point, not sure when. But as a kid everything went ablaze, everything. Hell, I even to this day know how to start a fire with a soda can and a chocolate bar. No joke.

Its quite a story and I hope I didn't offend anyone. I needed to get it off my chest. I broke off all contact with my mother again some time ago, it just won't work out and I feel better off without her. Like those three years no contact I felt way better and more self confident back then. My confidence due to her and the childhood bullying is extremely low, I feel like a total piece of shit 24/7 and I barely take care of myself.
 

SecondStarTotheRight

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The worst thing in the world I can think of is not feeling love from your own mother. I can understand how it would extend to a distrust and aversion, or hate as you feel, toward women. I sincerely wish you well and hope you can overcome this. It's a self-loathing you didn't deserve or ask for. It's a deep wound but try to understand that you don't need her to feel loved or valued. If she, or family, is so toxic and hurtful, shed them and grow new strength. Also, it's kind of refreshing and admirable that you're admitting your controversial sentiments in a levelheaded way like this.
 
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roses4all

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I am sorry. I really am.

I have the opposite problem. I am a woman. My dad felt that women had no value and my mom let him do it. Once, I won a math award, and I thought... he is going to have to admit that women can be intelligent...and... he is going to have to admit that HIS daughter (me) is intelligent! I really thought he would be forced to tell me that. You know what he said? He said, ''you took the place of a guy''. When I was older, I got a promotion at work. Dad told my brother (the golden child)... ''I don't get it. Her boss is a woman so she didn't get the promotion from sleeping with her boss''.

You can't win. It's rigged. It's all about them. It's about what their children can do for them and not about what they can do for their children. My mom is likely a narcissist. Sounds like your mom could be too. In my opinion, the only thing you can do is disengage. And I have done the no contact thing too. It's just so bloody sad and it's sad for everyone. I hear you.
 

Finished

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I'm sorry for the abuse you received/receive from your mother. Sometimes it is healthier to cut ties and create space. Then if and when you do interact with her again you can already have an emotionally isolated box to put her in. That way she won't be able to hurt you any more. You can just treat her very matter of factly without feeling. However I highly recommend getting everything off your chest before she dies. It will make you stronger.
 

Wrong

Silent Hill
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Maybe hate is a wrong word, its not like I go around hating women, its more like I don't trust them and generally just stay away from them. Which is easy for me to do since I live a shut-in's life.
 

beingnobody

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Show up at mom's Christmas morning in full makeup, an evening gown and 6 inch heels. Drop some fruitcake off at the neighbors on the way.
 

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