My experience of depression

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Jan 13, 2009
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Sharing how I feel. Perhaps others will recognize parts and can add their own experiences:

I’m pretty much always feeling somewhere on the scale from neutral to unbearably bad. I’ll see or encounter something that acts as a trigger, and I can’t predict what it will be. I can come in contact with 487 cases of other people having friends, being happy, living life and not think about it, and then the 488th case sets me off. The physical sensation that comes to mind is that it’s like my brain is being dipped in acid. That could be the tear ducts activating, though. I hardly ever cry, but I can spend hours feeling like I could cry or am on the verge of crying. The feeling is more a hollow, hopeless sadness than a wet, crying sadness. I’ll also get a nervous feeling in my gut, kind of like there’s some deadline I’ve forgotten, or like I’m in trouble for something. Moving, and even think too much, becomes difficult. So I’ll sit or lie down and watch the walls and ceiling. Usually I’ll cover at least part of my face with my hands or arms because I feel like I shouldn’t show my face. While this is happening my mind is the opposite from racing, just looking over a slow mix of images and feelings. All the misery and wasted life of the past and present. And the knowledge that no matter how bad I feel now, I’ll feel worse in the future. Everything is internalized by now so there’s little need for reminders. Usually the emotional pain gets worse and worse until I squirm and make pained noises. I can’t take it, but I can’t make it stop. After a while (maybe an hour) the edge lifts and I get up or take a nap.

At night I’ll have trouble falling asleep and then I’ll get up early not being able to sleep any more and not feeling particularly refreshed. When I open my eyes I still physically feel the heaviness, even if I don’t immediately remember why. But it all comes back soon enough. I’ll drive to stores to do my shopping, but sit in the car for a few minutes, not feeling like moving. To get something done I’ll think of just doing little things at a time. Like open the door, pause, move to leave car, pause, get up, pause, and so on.

During the week I can force myself to get into my work and to some extent feel better, but I always know the bad feelings are there and I still get their effects a little. My job is mostly solitary, with some contact with others to exchange information. I’m utterly alone. I’m different from the others in a shameful way. I don’t want them to find out I’m in my late thirties and have never had a real relationship or friends, and wasted away my life, because I’m still vain. To some extent I stay away from others because I don’t want them to learn the truth about me. There are two family members that I know, and talking to them (on the phone, they live far away) usually makes me feel worse. They don’t understand why I won’t just snap out of it and they get angry and frustrated.

I’m writing this description of how I feel because I don’t have anyone to tell it to. In some sense, I feel like I’m not getting credit for my suffering since it’s invisible to everyone but me.

I'm Fine

Well-known member
Mar 21, 2011
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Have you actually seen a doctor and been diagnosed? Is this something that you feel able to do? It might help. To me it sounds as though you have depression and possibly anxiety (the feeling that you've forgotten something could be that, it depends on how bad it is). There is medication you can have to help with that (and with the insomnia) but you'd have to be comfortable talking to a doctor to get them first.

Either way, talking about it should help, at least a little. Take care *hugs*

A new life

Well-known member
Jan 8, 2011
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In December I went through an unbelievable depression,
only to discover that alcohol was a major contributor.
I quit drinking and about 10 days later my depression lifted and has not returned.

You might want to check out a book called MOOD CURE by Julia Ross.

Good luck to you

Lonesome Crow

Aug 16, 2008
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I suffer from depression...some of it are self inflicted, other times its just chemicle embalance
in my brain, some of it was habits, some of it was a sort of addiction.
It's one of the reasons why I've reserched so much on this matter.
There's so much literature you don't get to have the grand prize.
In other words there's millions N millions of people that suffers from depression..short
terms or chronic depression.

Get professional help, even if it's not a quick fix.

For was more a self inflicted kind of depression.
Though at times my life can be great and I would still get depressed for no particular
reason. I've been were I wouldnt leave my house for months or sleep 4-5 days
at a time. So when I got into that rut i dug for was a ***** to dig myself
out. What help me the most was...I knew what it was to feel WELL.
So it was just a matter of getting my mind, body N spirit out of the rut.
Even so I didn't get well overnite...that's because I didn't get sick over night either.

Exercise helps. Better eating habits helps. Taking control and discipling my brain help.
Lots of living tools and copping SKILLS helped.

I was on meds for a while but choose not to take them anymore.
I also stopped self medicating myself....drugs N alcohol abused.

Keep on reaching out. Get help. You can get well. You dont have to suffer.
Meds works for some people and not for others...Find out what works for you.
Do what works for you.

yes,I know... I liked to suffer too...that's why I said it was a sort of addiction.
As messed up as it was..I was comfortable with being depressed.
So I figure...I can get comfortable with be happy just the same.
I chose to be happy..5 mins at a time, an hour at a time, a day at a time.
I'm not saying I don't have living challenges like everybody or my life is always great..but
I work through those challenges and they pass.
When I get depressed for no particular reason. I know it'll pass too so i don't freak out.
I try to think positive. Have a positive attitude.
When I need to cry...I cry. Surpressing my feelings weather it be anger, happiness or sadness all leads to depression.
Surpression = depression

The sex's almost like a catch 22. if I dont get laid..I get depress.
If I get depressed mostly likely i dont wanna go out and get laid.
I'm in a relationship at the moment and have a healthy sex life with my GF.
We're actaully horn dogs. it's mostly due to our body chemistry. We both have high sexual drives.
So i'm grateful. We're compatible on the sex.
It lowers my depression but dosnt examp me from getting anxities attacks or examp her from
turning into psycho ***** every so