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My limited time

AlexGrazier

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My name is Alex, and the truth about me is that all of my future plans that I have made for myself are actually just my contingency plans.
They're my "just in case" plans; they are not what I actually expect to happen.
The truth is that I almost certainly won't live past the age of 30, probably not even past 25.
I have longed for death so much since before I even turned 14 years old, and bad thing after bad thing, horrible feelings after horrible feelings have just piled on more and more since then.
I hate existing, I hate humanity, and humanity does/would hate me just as much.

I never should have existed in the first place, so unless something major suddenly saves me, I plan to undo this horrible mistake within the next few years.
I've just been trying my best to accept my fate.

Literally the only reason I haven't done it yet is that I really don't want to hurt my mother and my pets, the only individuals who would be genuinely affected by losing me.
I have tried therapy and medication for years now, but they don't help nearly as much as they need to.
Some issues just can't be solved by pills or professionals. Some people simply can't be saved.

I don't know exactly what I expect to gain from posting this, but I am desperate.
I'm just hoping for something, although I will most likely get nothing.
 

TheRealCallie

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Just the fact that you made this post, that you are seeking help, that you are desperate proves that you want to survive.

You say that pills and therapy don't help "as much as they need to," so it sounds like they are helping. Here's the problem of why I don't think they are helping as much as you want them too. As much as you want to survive, I think it scares the shit out of you. I could be wrong and feel free to correct me if I am. I think you have had these feelings for so long that they have become ingrained and you're afraid to let them go. They are kind of like a screwed up security blanket for you. Even if you want it to be otherwise, it sounds like you have already decided it will happen, which means before you can make any progress at all, you have to accept that maybe you are wrong. Maybe you can be happy. I can tell you that changing those feelings will likely be the hardest thing you do in life, but it's worth it.

Why do you hate existing so much? Why do you hate humanity? Why do you think humanity hates you?
 

ahsatan

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AlexGrazier said:
My name is Alex, and the truth about me is that all of my future plans that I have made for myself are actually just my contingency plans.
They're my "just in case" plans; they are not what I actually expect to happen.
The truth is that I almost certainly won't live past the age of 30, probably not even past 25.
I have longed for death so much since before I even turned 14 years old, and bad thing after bad thing, horrible feelings after horrible feelings have just piled on more and more since then.
I hate existing, I hate humanity, and humanity does/would hate me just as much.

I never should have existed in the first place, so unless something major suddenly saves me, I plan to undo this horrible mistake within the next few years.
I've just been trying my best to accept my fate.

Literally the only reason I haven't done it yet is that I really don't want to hurt my mother and my pets, the only individuals who would be genuinely affected by losing me.
I have tried therapy and medication for years now, but they don't help nearly as much as they need to.
Some issues just can't be solved by pills or professionals. Some people simply can't be saved.

I don't know exactly what I expect to gain from posting this, but I am desperate.
I'm just hoping for something, although I will most likely get nothing.

I have longed for death at a very young age too.I hate existing as well. Bad things keep happening to me too.
I wish i could help.
Just wanted to let u know ur not alone.😿🤗
 

Finished

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Is torture with some positive things in one's life better then non-existence? I think so. I wanted to end myself as well for decades. Instead I have done my best to remove the negative things and increase the positive things. Working was a huge source of negativity for me in so many ways. Since I stopped working my outlook, IMO, has improved significantly. I only interact with people when I need to buy stuff that I can't get online. Very few people are even aware that I exist. That part is wonderful!
 

Alyosha

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Finished said:
Is torture with some positive things in one's life better then non-existence? I think so.

I think so too.  Not to mention the appealing possibility that other positive things can be earned/discovered.
 
M

Myra

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Finished said:
Is torture with some positive things in one's life better then non-existence? I think so. I wanted to end myself as well for decades. Instead I have done my best to remove the negative things and increase the positive things. Working was a huge source of negativity for me in so many ways. Since I stopped working my outlook, IMO, has improved significantly. I only interact with people when I need to buy stuff that I can't get online. Very few people are even aware that I exist. That part is wonderful!

You're my idol.

Unfortunately I only have enough savings for about 2 years. I don't know if the government would let me live long term on unemployment benefits after I used up savings. But I doubt it, they would probably force me in some kind of crap job.  My only hope is to get a part time job to reduce the amount of time I have to be at work! I spend not much anyway, rent is cheap because my flat is tiny, and I would get by on part time... which is worse enough haha. It's my only straw of hope. I cannot work full time for the next 40 years. Oh no. Never ever ever!
 

Finished

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^ Well, I worked, saved, and worked. I bought a POS house cheap early in my life when the market was down and fixed it up. I was able to pay it off in 4 years while working two part time crap jobs in retail. Yes it can be done. I cancelled my car insurance and rode my bicycle everywhere. Early on I discovered that in order to get ahead you must lower your bills to as close to zero as possible. Not having a house or rental payment is key to it all. If I didn't have a house now then I would live in my vehicle until I saved up enough to buy a house for cash.

I did the same thing when it comes to vehicles. I've never had a car loan and never will. Any bill I got I paid it off as soon as possible as if my life depended on it. So, now I can comfortably not work for the rest of my life. Too many people fall into the trap of getting a nice vehicle, a nice house, and expensive hobbies BEFORE they have the money to purchase these things. People from my past, who stayed broke, often said that they worked hard and deserved things. So, they would buy them before they had the money. They made their creditors rich instead of themselves.
 

Sir Joseph

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Alex, allow me to offer a different perspective to your current outlook on life.  The choice between misery and joy is yours, with the latter option being readily available if you want it.

"I never should have existed in the first place, so unless something major suddenly saves me, I plan to undo this horrible mistake within the next few years."

Despite what you may have learned in school, there is no good scientific evidence that you are an accident of nature created through chance evolutionary processes.  There is however an abundance of such evidence showing that you were planned and created by a supernatural being, with the necessary attributes of that creator being consistent with the God of the Bible.  An honest study of the subject will reveal the truth of creation over evolution, with a further recognition that you're immeasurably valuable, loved by God, and specifically put here in this life for a reason.

"I hate existing, I hate humanity, and humanity does/would hate me just as much."

"I have longed for death so much since before I even turned 14 years old, and bad thing after bad thing, horrible feelings after horrible feelings have just piled on more and more since then."

The whole purpose of our temporary earthly lives here is to build our character and grow our eternal souls.  How do we do that?  Through relationships - by seeking to know and love God, and by loving and caring for others.  Life here is essentially a trial period or a training ground for the next life to come, and it's not to be wasted.  If you learn to love God as you should, then you will naturally learn to love people too.
 
May I strongly suggest that you don't want to die without pursing your designed purpose for life, which centers around growing love in your heart.
 
"Some people simply can't be saved."

Not true, though many people choose not to be saved even when offered help.  God, through himself and son Jesus Christ, paid the price to save us all.  His grace extends to you and his love can change your life if you only accept it.

Here's a song just for you:

 
M

Myra

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Finished said:
^ Well, I worked, saved, and worked. I bought a POS house cheap early in my life when the market was down and fixed it up. I was able to pay it off in 4 years while working two part time crap jobs in retail. Yes it can be done. I cancelled my car insurance and rode my bicycle everywhere. Early on I discovered that in order to get ahead you must lower your bills to as close to zero as possible. Not having a house or rental payment is key to it all. If I didn't have a house now then I would live in my vehicle until I saved up enough to buy a house for cash.

I did the same thing when it comes to vehicles. I've never had a car loan and never will. Any bill I got I paid it off as soon as possible as if my life depended on it. So, now I can comfortably not work for the rest of my life. Too many people fall into the trap of getting a nice vehicle, a nice house, and expensive hobbies BEFORE they have the money to purchase these things. People from my past, who stayed broke, often said that they worked hard and deserved things. So, they would buy them before they had the money. They made their creditors rich instead of themselves.
Well done, you're smart. 
I don't understand people who prefer to waste money on useless stuff instead of putting it aside for what really counts which is minimizing work, maximising free time, i.e. living. Some people even like their jobs and wouldn't know what to do without them (similarly there's lots of talk by normie people that they don't even enjoy their weekends anymore because they don't know what to do with themselves during lockdown. I will never get it). Some don't even want to stop working their jobs when they reach retirement age. Seems crazy to me haha.

It's interesting how in the USA people can just live in vehicles. It wouldn't be legal here.
 

Finished

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Myra said:
.... You're my idol.....  Well done, you're smart. 

Ahhh. Thanks. Now that I've got you hooked it's time to reel you in. Want to stay in my vehicle? Ha! Ha!

Myra said:
I don't understand people who prefer to waste money on useless stuff instead of putting it aside for what really counts which is minimizing work, maximising free time, i.e. living.

Well, I can understand it. Most people get themselves into a financial trap early on. It's kind of expected here in the US. It's the majority of our economy. If everybody only purchased needed items are economy would collapse. But, once they get into debt they have no choice but to keep working. So, in order to make it bearable they buy crap.

It's fun. I like to buy crap too. It's like Christmas whenever you want it to be. Then you start justifying the need for new crap like an IPhone every few months. The problem is most people don't have the money to do that so they end up owing even more. That means they need to work more. It is a very difficult cycle to get out of. I deem most people to be slaves who don't want to realize or admit to it. That's why the younger generation is fine with basing everything on monthly amounts instead of total amounts. They just figure they'll keep working until they die and buy more stuff as long as their monthly income covers most of it.

Myra said:
Some people even like their jobs and wouldn't know what to do without them (similarly there's lots of talk by normie people that they don't even enjoy their weekends anymore because they don't know what to do with themselves during lockdown. I will never get it). Some don't even want to stop working their jobs when they reach retirement age. Seems crazy to me haha.

;) This is so true. An ex-friend of mine said he'll work until he dies. He called me a looser because I stopped working. But, every time I asked if he liked his job he would say no. That would be horrible to think about doing something for the rest of your life that you don't like to do. But, after you move up and gain respect it's difficult for many people to give that up. At work they are the boss, or the expert, or the action person. At home they are just mom or dad. It's even worse for them if the kids are gone. They are nobody important at all. Work typically is the only thing that makes them feel important.

Me on the other hand, I have no need to be important or the "Big Man." I have interest in just about everything except for sports. Ha! ha! Even without working I still don't have enough time to complete all my projects and go to the places I want to visit. Occasionally, I run into someone from my past. They always ask, what have you been up to? You must be bored out of your mind? Are you ready to come back to work? I just laugh and say no way. The days are too short as it is. They just can't understand how I can stay so busy.

Myra said:
It's interesting how in the USA people can just live in vehicles. It wouldn't be legal here.

Well, in some places it is illegal. Many of the cities have laws against it. It's strictly enforced in many places in California. It's definitely discouraged elsewhere unless you are in an RV designed to be lived in. Typically you try to find government owned land. In the Western part of the US there is a lot of federal land including forest land. You are allowed to camp for up to 14 days in one spot. So, you can just keep moving around. But, most of the time it is not enforced. I've stayed in some extremely scenic areas and hiked, fished, and animal watched without another sole around me for weeks at a time. OMG! It is so peaceful. I have been doing this most of my life. Gee, no wonder I can't stand to be around other people. I know there's something better. Ha! ha!

But, I've also illegally parked overnight in a lot of places by appearing as a non-occupied vehicle without getting caught including highly enforced areas. It's somewhat of a game that some people play. I do it to see the sites and to get to where I want to go. Others do it because they can't afford somewhere to live. I have often thought about doing it permanently. But, it's too difficult for me to give up the comforts of living in a physical home. But, I definitely could if I had too.
 
M

Myra

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Finished said:
Ahhh. Thanks. Now that I've got you hooked it's time to reel you in. Want to stay in my vehicle? Ha! Ha!
:D oh that's an interesting offer. 




Finished said:
;) This is so true. An ex-friend of mine said he'll work until he dies. He called me a looser because I stopped working. But, every time I asked if he liked his job he would say no. That would be horrible to think about doing something for the rest of your life that you don't like to do. But, after you move up and gain respect it's difficult for many people to give that up. At work they are the boss, or the expert, or the action person. At home they are just mom or dad. It's even worse for them if the kids are gone. They are nobody important at all. Work typically is the only thing that makes them feel important.
It's funny how he cannot see who is truly loosing out. True, people's sense of identity, worth, status, and how they see others is all tied to their jobs. People are living in fantasies.
 

Finished

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^ Well, the Sheepeople are just following their training and the crowds. 

iu


Let me know if you are interested: (You can even choose the upper or lower level.) ;)

iu
 
M

Myra

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Finished said:
Let me know if you are interested: (You can even choose the upper or lower level.) ;)

iu
Sure I'm interested, how could I resist? Please do let me stay. But I hope the guy on the pic will be gone when I arrive?
 

Just Games

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Myra said:
Finished said:
^ Well, I worked, saved, and worked. I bought a POS house cheap early in my life when the market was down and fixed it up. I was able to pay it off in 4 years while working two part time crap jobs in retail. Yes it can be done. I cancelled my car insurance and rode my bicycle everywhere. Early on I discovered that in order to get ahead you must lower your bills to as close to zero as possible. Not having a house or rental payment is key to it all. If I didn't have a house now then I would live in my vehicle until I saved up enough to buy a house for cash.

I did the same thing when it comes to vehicles. I've never had a car loan and never will. Any bill I got I paid it off as soon as possible as if my life depended on it. So, now I can comfortably not work for the rest of my life. Too many people fall into the trap of getting a nice vehicle, a nice house, and expensive hobbies BEFORE they have the money to purchase these things. People from my past, who stayed broke, often said that they worked hard and deserved things. So, they would buy them before they had the money. They made their creditors rich instead of themselves.
Well done, you're smart. 
I don't understand people who prefer to waste money on useless stuff instead of putting it aside for what really counts which is minimizing work, maximising free time, i.e. living. Some people even like their jobs and wouldn't know what to do without them (similarly there's lots of talk by normie people that they don't even enjoy their weekends anymore because they don't know what to do with themselves during lockdown. I will never get it). Some don't even want to stop working their jobs when they reach retirement age. Seems crazy to me haha.

It's interesting how in the USA people can just live in vehicles. It wouldn't be legal here.

That's me haha!I love my job.I want to work till eighty at least.I love my weekends too😄 I'm only a little bit crazy.I get to meet all-sorts of challenging people,have a laugh and a joke I think Finished would make a great teacher with his wit and knowledge 😄.
Imagine a world with androids doing the work and humans just having leasure time,how boring that would be.C'mon you know I'm right.
 

Finished

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^ You are lucky to love your job. It makes total sense for you to keep working. It's kind of like Alex Trebek's situation. He seemed to be happy and at peace. He died doing what he loved to do. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alex_Trebek

iu


I planned to become a teacher. But, ASU, wouldn't accept me into their teaching program even though I had a 3.9 GPA after 70 credits. They insisted that I needed to volunteer even though I was working 40+ hours, going to school full time, and helping my parents. I wasn't good enough to become a teacher in their eyes. So, I chose a different avenue and blew ASU off completely.

It's a good thing people can be so different. Having androids doing all the work so people could only focus on entertainment is bliss to me.
 

LonelyUser

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I am just writing this as random thoughts why I am still living...
I don't like my life in general. But some time little things still keep me going. I like certain food, and I look forward to these food. I like looking at pretty things, so those make me forget my sadness for a few moments.
Although I feel sad and I cry most of the time, I am still here.
 

TheRealCallie

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LonelyUser said:
I am just writing this as random thoughts why I am still living...
I don't like my life in general.  But some time little things still keep me going.  I like certain food, and I look forward to these food.  I like looking at pretty things, so those make me forget my sadness for a few moments.
Although I feel sad and I cry most of the time, I am still here.

It's never too late to reinvent yourself.
 

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