shawn81
Member
Ok so this is my first post here and I guess I just need a vent and maybe a person to hear me. This is my story it's not a great one. I grew up in North part of Alabama it was me my dad my two sisters and sometimes my mom. My mom and dad fought alot and would leave then get together and repeat. Also, this made my sisters very angry, me being the youngest I usually was in the fault. During this time I spent alot of time playing video games and when dad wasn't working or to high or tired he'd play with me. We'd play zelda for hours and it was funny I was better than him at 5 years old. We'd play zelda and watch godzilla movies together. However he got more distant and rarely did anymore, thankfully I started making friends at school including a guy a few doors down and by association his best friend. The three of us me andy and Cody would spend every weekend together. It was my only escape from my hell of a house and his parents knew it. We would one more member to our group and we all spent the weekends together playing games watching wrestling etc. Skip to me at 11 at this time was one of those times my mom was not living with us. I woke up to find my mmom and sisters all sitting down crying. My dad had a drug induced heart attack and died. After that I was forced to move two cities over with my mom. And leave my friends. We all still hung out on weekends but not every weekend anymore it was to hard to get over there. So I started spending alot more weekends alone in my house alone. My sisters were on drugs too at this point so I didn't really see them much they would be out. I starting getting more depressed. At 16 I was 6 ft and 275 pounds and wasn't decent looking at all. I tried hanging with my friends as much as possible but now they were trying to hang out at with their girlfriends now as much as possible. I tried talking to a few diffrent girls but it never ended up going anywhere beyond be the nice big guy. I was smart though. In all advanced classes so I picked up psychology. I understood I was pretty depressed because my life wasn't nearly where I wanted it drug addict mom sisters and drunk step dad. My only friends are two cities over and I barley get to see them. I had school friends but none I hung out with outside of school. I was terrible with girls but I still tried miserably which in return would make me sadder. Also seeing my friends get all these girls one after another after another and I hadn't had one was very downing. Things went this way till I turned 18. I started noticing my mom was starting to get bipolar she would either be so mad she'd kick me out for a few days or so sad she'd lock herself in her room for days. I had to find an outlet. I had found my opprtunity for a release. Me and andy had found a wrestling school to train to be professional wrestlers and the deal was if we finish our training and wrestler for free for a year we could train for free. So we did Saturday after saturday week after week we went and trained. A group of four. Brad was the best had a great mind and great talent. Steven was quick and agile and pretty good and it. Andy was a natural at it picking it up quick and even showing up our teacher sometimes. Me I was a little slower on picking it up. I had the heart more than the rest, I had the mind I understood it all just couldn't put it together. Then after the 6 or 6th month I start surpassing the rest till I was the best of our group. I started to forget about the stupidity I had to return to at home. In the end only me and andy were left of our class. However he got to be a wrestler first. I was kind of jealous and angry that they chose him to go first. A month later I got to. Being in front of that crowd was amazing. In the ring I wasn't shawn. I was the total knockout shawn. I was a completely different person. Eventually me and andy would make team tko and wrestle together, kind poetic since we had wrestled so much as kids. I graduated high school advanced degree etc etc and decided I'd take a year before I go to college. I had met this girl sarah I fell for her instantly she was a friend of bryants. I spent every week at bryants just to try to see her and get to chill with her. She was way out of my league but I couldn't resist. J Had Plenty Of Crushes Before But None This Serious. She meant so much to me. After an entire summer of chasing her I decided to tell her how I feel we were partying (some drinking some smoking I didn't do either I saw how it affected my family so I stayed away) I got her aside and told her everything she told me that she was soon to be moving to Chicago and if it wasn't for that she would date me. I was a little sad but I took it as a maybe maybe I could convince her I wouldn't mind a long distant relationship plus I'd see her every break. So I kept trying. I would throw get together of the usual people my friends their girls and her and a couple of guys from bryants neighborhood . I'd spend my money on her buy her whatever alcohol she wanted. After a month or so after I asked her out. I talked to her alone again. It was just me and her outside under the stars we talked for what seemed like 6 hours and was close to it. At the end of the talk I asked her again and told her she meant everything to me. She looked down and said shawn...and just went back in. Idk what to think I spent the rest of the night outside alone with everyone else inside partying. I isolated myself at home for a few weeks. After then I talked to bryant he told me he had found out that sarah had been with this guy chase who was 14 (she was 21) and was doing him since the first time I asked her she had been hiding it. I felt really played she had no intention of going back to Chicago. I was heart broken. After that I noticed I developed a social anxiety to girls. It became harder to talk to them. I was 20 and hadn't had a girlfriend, hadn't had my first kiss hell the only girl I had held hands with was sarah and that was for like a few second Cuz I was helping her drunk. My group of friends had started to drift away Cody moved away. Bryant and andy fought to often. So I hung out with them separately. They both smoked and d ranked often and I didn't like to be around that so I spent alot of that year alone. I ended up taking another year out of school and got a job as a dishwasher which sucked. I still wrestled on Saturdays it was my only escape. I really didn't talk to anyone except bryant and andy. I was extremely depressed. I was still heavy at 280 now but more built bc of wrestling. Me and andy had won a few titles together but I was still unhappy. And I realized that I hadn't ever really be happy. I would cry alot when I was alone but around people I was a rock unmoved. I stopped asking for help bc the answers were all oh it gets better, give it time. But it didn't day after day week after week was the same. I started college and soon after got kicked out again. It was difficult juggling school work and wrestling. I was extremely poor and stressed and lonely. All I wanted was a girl to talk to and hold and just help me stay afloat but it never happened. After a rough year of sleeping on friends floor and paying their parents to let me sleep there and cold nights sleeping in my car mom finally called me. She told me they found cancer on her lungs colon and brain. Stage 4. It explained her bipolar episodes. She asked me to come back and help her out. It was even tougher still juggling all that and helping my mom. Less than 4 months later my middle sister overdosed and died. Leaving behind a 10 year old daughter 7 year old son and 1 year old daughter. The 10 and 7 year old didn't have a dad so they came to live with us. The 1 year old went with her dad. Now it was 2 more people to help out. I had no time to myself anymore my friends were worse on drugs and wrestling was all I had. I still hadn't had my first girlfriend and was still extremely lonely. I battled through work got promoted to night maintance which is a janitor but paid more and was a little easier. I struggled through and now I'm 21 almost 22 and recently my mom kicked me out again bc she is pretty far gone from all the treatments and they saying they're stopping it all bc it wouldn't work. I'm living with bryant who is messed up all the time. I'm still lonely and depressed. I went to the strip club the other day. It was OK I liked that the girls to initiative to talk to me. It made me feel good. It was the first time in a long while that any girl had tried to conversation with me. It was the first time I had caressed a girls body or seen them mostly naked in person. I got home and thought of how pathetic I was. The only time I'm able to talk to girls for longer than a few minutes is when I'm giving them something. Every girl I ever tried to talk to was trying to use me. I can't talk to my friends bc I get the same answers as always. I'm lonely and depressed I'm beyond lost hope with girls. My friends are so far gone even the one I live with j have a hard time talking to. My mom is about to die and will barely talk to me. The only thing I have is wrestling and the fact that I'm still in school to better myself. If you made it this far thanks it was hard to put all this to words and rant about it as it comes. I'm tired of how terrible my life is. I don't plan or even think of suicide or anything like that. But I feel like I'll be one of those guys who lives alone and works all week and buys prostitutes on the weekend. That's the way I'm heading anyways. Even though j hated myself after I plan on going to the strip club again this week. Again thanks for reading my little story.
