- Jun 26, 2018
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I think I need to just get my death over with, Im almost 100% sure I have full blown NPD. I dont wanna go into detail about things that Ive done in the past because theyre honestly horrifically detestable. Ive started to feel very guilty and ashamed of them in recent years to the point of keeping me up at night and giving me nauseating anxiety/extreme paranoia. I highly doubt that this is gonna get any better and even if I could get better there's no way I could repair my relationship with my family/friends, etc. because theyve all pretty much caught on to my horrible personality traits. This is honestly the lowest ive ever been and I suspect it will keep getting lower and lower until someone inevitably takes their revenge against me. Ive never felt such intense confusion and dissociation in my life. It was never good being a narcissist, my life basically consisted of seeking validation from others in whatever way possible and its all because I couldnt and probably will never realize myself. I am a collection of stolen personalities. I have no clue which one is mine because its buried under all the others I tacked onto myself to make other people like me. Its an incredibly lonely existence because no matter how many friends I have I never truly believe theyre my friends, which theyre not, theyre friends of the mirror image that I always inevitably present to them to keep them from knowing how pathetic and worthless of a human being I really am. I have and have always had since as long as I can remember an intense hatred of myself. I scream at myself in my head constantly telling myself how worthless I am and how terrible I am. But I also have unignorable thoughts that I am the best, that everyone would want to be me if they knew who I was, etc. etc. etc. Im sure youve heard these thoughts explained by psychologists. I used to give some credence to these thoughts before thoroughly proving myself wrong in reality and then completely devaluing myself just to do the same thing over and over and over again. I now hate them and mock myself for them but theyre so ingrained in my psyche that theyre heavily intrusive in everyday life. I always tried to seem humble on the outside because that's who I wanted to be but now that I look back I just came off as a holier-than-thou asshole. I still do. I constantly feel like Im the victim of some sort of mind abuse by other people because I constantly believe everyone hates me, which eventually came true when I was unmasked by everyone I know. I just wanted to be a good person but at some point in my life I lost that. I became extremely resentful because Ive always felt rejected and so when I tried to actually make friends and be a good person my instincts would kick in and I would realize that Im not really all that great to them and that I probably wasnt even liked by them much at all (because of my own stupid words and actions) and I would take my sorry ass, move on and try again. Though it would never get any better, the cycle would just repeat itself constantly. Until where I am now where Im completely withdrawing from society and am more suicidal than ever. I dont expect anyone to console me and youre free to believe that Im just seeking validation/attention with this post because I certainly havent made any case that Im not. I just wanted to explain some of what drives my actions and why I think suicide is the only option now. Thank you for reading if you got this far.