Needing Time Alone - A Bad Thing?

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Fay F

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Hi everyone,

A question for those in marriages/long-term relationships.

Is me wanting time alone every day a bad thing? I've been married for nearly 16 years and used to dote on my husband. He used to work and I stayed home, kept the house, did the shopping, pet care and when he came home he always had a good meal ready and we'd spend the evenings together.

He stopped working after some time and I tried to keep up what I was doing for the relationship. I'm retired but he's younger than me and can definitely rejoin the workforce. we are living off my pension.

Over the years, being home with him all of the time has been difficult. I've noticed I'm resenting him for little things, like leaving dirty dishes in the sink for me to wash, or throwing his dirty clothes on the floor for me to pick up. 

I feel like I taught him that I will be his slave. I asked him politely many times not to do this or that, but I'm being told I'm nagging now. 

We had a big fight and everything came out last fall. I left for a week and when I returned we agreed to the new house rules. Since he was no longer financially providing, he agreed to 50-50 house chores. 

It's more like I do 75%, he does 25%. But I can't ask for more because he gets angry.

He said he resented me for leaving for a week and that distance "doesn't do it" for him, that it only makes him feel further away from me.

I told him that week rejuvenated me and made me want to stay in the marriage, but that I needed more time alone.

So as usual, I gave in to him and spend as much time as possible with him. I love to draw and paint and do arts and crafts. I've put those things aside a lot of the time to spend time with him. 

I should be loving spending time with my husband but I resent it, and I've been impatient and snappy with him.

I told him I need more time alone and he keeps dismissing it as "destructive to the relationship" - maybe it is, but right now, I am starting to not want to be around him.

I feel like he's not supporting me at all. One day I was drawing and I was really concentrating, and he talked and talked...thinking out loud, like a constant narration and it was so annoying that I messed up my artwork. At that point, I gave up. I feel like he did that on purpose.

He says I'm selfish to want to spend time alone. I'm just worn out by the relationship right now...any advice? Am I selfish? Should I not need time alone?

Just a note: I've been speaking with a social worker (can't afford a therapist), and she keeps pushing me to leave the marriage and pursue what makes me happy. My husband, my relationship and the life we've built makes me happy, but lately in small doses. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong.

Thanks,
Fay
 
What's wrong is that he wants to take take take without offering much give. He is controlling you. I'm sorry if you don't like that word, but from what you wrote, that is what it is. And when you try to take back some independence, he gets manipulative.

You say your husband and your relationship make you happy, but let me ask you this. Do they currently make you happy or does what it used to be make you happy? There's a fine line between the two and it's often very hard to see.

I'm not going to tell you to leave him, though I don't think it's a healthy relationship right now. You need to stand up for yourself, make some boundaries. If you need time for yourself, you need to take time. Don't cave just because he throws a hissy fit. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do some things on your own. Personally, I think it's healthy for a relationship. He should be taking time for himself too.
 
TheRealCallie said:
What's wrong is that he wants to take take take without offering much give.  He is controlling you.  I'm sorry if you don't like that word, but from what you wrote, that is what it is.  And when you try to take back some independence, he gets manipulative.

You say your husband and your relationship make you happy, but let me ask you this.  Do they currently make you happy or does what it used to be make you happy?  There's a fine line between the two and it's often very hard to see. 

I'm not going to tell you to leave him, though I don't think it's a healthy relationship right now.  You need to stand up for yourself, make some boundaries.  If you need time for yourself, you need to take time.  Don't cave just because he throws a hissy fit.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to do some things on your own.  Personally, I think it's healthy for a relationship.  He should be taking time for himself too.

I have been told by my social worker that he is controlling. I read a book about angry and controlling men and it sounds a lot like him. He says that he wants to spend time with me because he loves me and feels lonely without me. I've gently suggested that he find a hobby or two. He doesn't do anything all day except waste time on the computer looking things up and he often says how bored he is. I think this is what he thinks I do all day long.

My art brings me so much joy. I feel like he is trying to dim my light because he is insecure and bored. 

Have you heard of the term emotional blackmail? I read about this recently. When I want to do something that brings me passion, he will cause tension and find ways to fight with me in order to sabotage my happiness. I wonder if this is done on purpose to bring the focus back to him? He claims he loves my art and supports me. I am in the process of building a webstore and filming tutorials because I need to try to make a living and I thought making a living as an artist would be a lovely career. I told (warned) him that I'd be spending a lot of time building up my business and he claims to support me, but at this point he gets upset if I spend more than a few hours on my art. I intend on spending a lot more time on it and on the new website.

I just feel like this is me being selfish, or is that brainwashing at work? I know I cannot be the 100% source of his happiness, that's too much pressure on me. But I feel bad saying that I would rather be drawing than spending time with him because I feel forced to do it.

Well, I am pretty messed up about this clearly!
 
You are definitely NOT being selfish, so stop thinking that way. And yes, I know all about emotional blackmail and experienced it personally. It's not fun and it just doesn't occur in a healthy relationship. It sounds like you need to tell him to get a job or something. It is not healthy to spend 100% of your time together, for anyone. You need to have your own things, your own time to do what you enjoy. If you don't have that, there will be resentment, as you are experiencing now.
Lay it out for him, don't back down. Don't tell him what you would like to do, tell him what you are going to do. If he really supports you, he will fall in line and back off. If he doesn't, if he keeps pushing like he has been, I'm not sure the marriage will work. You can keep trying until you are blue in the face, but all it will lead to is depression, anxiety and resentment. I've been there, it's not fun.
 
TheRealCallie said:
You are definitely NOT being selfish, so stop thinking that way.  And yes, I know all about emotional blackmail and experienced it personally.  It's not fun and it just doesn't occur in a healthy relationship.  It sounds like you need to tell him to get a job or something.  It is not healthy to spend 100% of your time together, for anyone.  You need to have your own things, your own time to do what you enjoy.  If you don't have that, there will be resentment, as you are experiencing now. 
Lay it out for him, don't back down.  Don't tell him what you would like to do, tell him what you are going to do.  If he really supports you, he will fall in line and back off.  If he doesn't, if he keeps pushing like he has been, I'm not sure the marriage will work.  You can keep trying until you are blue in the face, but all it will lead to is depression, anxiety and resentment.  I've been there, it's not fun.

Thank you very much for your support and wise words. You understand my situation very well. I've asked him to get a job, he says there's nothing out there, but it's pretty convenient because I pay the bills right now with my pension. I'm trying to be empathetic to his situation because at his age, I didn't know what I wanted, I didn't even have a hobby I was passionate about. I guess the difference is that I tried to find something fulfilling and I found it. He gives up too easily. 

I feel like he needs me to entertain him because he's so bored all of the time. The only time I feel a little freedom is when he's sleeping in and I can do what I want, for example right now. I'm drawing in between checking on this forum and I'm very much enjoying my own time. I told him to pretend that I'm out working, leaving at 8am and coming home by 6pm. At first he said he could do that, but he doesn't follow through and tells me he's so bored and I spend too much time alone.

I agree it's not healthy to spend 100% of our time together and at this point, if he continues this hyper-neediness, I feel like I'd rather spend 100% of my time alone.

To answer your question from the previous response. Yes, my husband and my relationship makes me very happy as long as we have a balance. I did have this discussion with him, but he tends to go stone cold when I bring it up so it never gets resolved. I told him that I need a balance of everything that makes me happy otherwise I will be miserable and it will affect our relationship. He keeps saying I get everything I want and he doesn't get anything he wants, i.e. I get my time alone and he's miserable and bored. As you suggested, I have to step up for myself and create that boundary that I can't be his source of entertainment, he needs to find that on his own.

I brought up the fact that we have dinner together every night, and usually watch movies after dinner, that's good together time. He says it's not enough, that he wants just a few more hours a week to spend with me. I said I was very okay with that, but he keeps pushing for more and more with his passive aggressive attempts to sabotage my hobbies...

He actually said to me that if he went on a message board and typed in "All I did was ask my wife for a few more hours a week to spend with me and she won't"...that people will respond with "dump her". He tends to exaggerate a lot and when I tell him that's not how it is, he says I'm wrong. I feel like there is no reasoning with him when he gets into those moods.

I have to pick my time to talk to him. Already I've asked for my own bedroom because of our different sleep schedules. He said if we sleep in different beds, he may as well move out. It's always a little threat from him when he doesn't get his own way.

It's frustrating and I appreciate being able to freely and safely discuss it!
 
I had a similar problem. I stopped doing so much for him. You cannot pour from an empty glass. Do things for yourself first. He is a grown adult, he can survive on his own. He can entertain himself.

You have the upper hand here really, right now you are the money maker and taking care of him. Call him on his bluff. If he says, "I'm leaving" say, okay, go ahead, if your only fear is him leaving. I have a feeling he won't because you are the enabler in the situation.

It can get better. But there needs to be some communication between the two of you and some boundaries. Unfortunately, he is going to have to do his part. You can't fix this alone.
 
Alone time is necessary for personal growth. If your partner doesn't support your personal growth, the issues are a lot greater than just him not wanting you to spend time alone.
 
AmyTheTemperamental said:
Alone time is necessary for personal growth. If your partner doesn't support your personal growth, the issues are a lot greater than just him not wanting you to spend time alone.

Can you elaborate on that one? I can't wrap my mind around what you mean. Sorry.  :(


Nicolelt said:
I had a similar problem. I stopped doing so much for him. You cannot pour from an empty glass. Do things for yourself first. He is a grown adult, he can survive on his own. He can entertain himself.

You have the upper hand here really, right now you are the money maker and taking care of him. Call him on his bluff. If he says, "I'm leaving" say, okay, go ahead, if your only fear is him leaving. I have a feeling he won't because you are the enabler in the situation.

It can get better. But there needs to be some communication between the two of you and some boundaries. Unfortunately, he is going to have to do his part. You can't fix this alone.

Thank you. And this actually happened a little while back. I mentioned I'd like to have separate bedrooms (mainly because of separate schedules that result in disrupted sleep for both of us), he said if I moved into another room, he said he was leaving, I said I accepted it, but I'd miss him and offered to help in any way I could. A few days later he came to me in tears saying he never wanted to be single ever again and he would miss me too much if I had my own bedroom. I'm not made of stone and I hugged him and we were okay. And of course, I gave up the idea of a separate bedroom...He said he'd support my alone time, but gradually started to resent it again.

The biggest frustration I have is that he refuses to communicate. When I bring it up, he says "Fay I'm not talking about this"...and this usually causes an argument and it never gets resolved. He has started saying things like "let's agree to disagree" to avoid the conversation. 

At this point, I do feel I'm on my own. I know I can't change him and I don't want to. I just wish he would respect my need to do things on my own. I wish he'd find a hobby already.

I'm at the point where I feel like I just have to push forward and do my own thing despite the inevitable hostility and discomfort he will cause.

It's kind of emotionally draining. It's affecting me physically lately too. When I keep a boundary, such as spending a few hours drawing despite what he wants, he hides himself away in the bedroom and shirks all of his responsibilities - leaving me to do everything because he's punishing me in a way. He claims he's just taking time out on his own to feel better, which I totally support, if he didn't leave everything for me to do as well, so I think it's just a lie he tells me when he does that. I hope that made sense.
 
Fay F said:
I have to pick my time to talk to him. Already I've asked for my own bedroom because of our different sleep schedules. He said if we sleep in different beds, he may as well move out. It's always a little threat from him when he doesn't get his own way.

I just want to respond to this part right now.  I'll come back later for the rest. 

Now I could be wrong, but I feel like this is a bluff and/or manipulation.  What would happen if you called him on it?  Like if you say "Well, if that's what you want" or something like that?

And now I see Nicole asked that. lol
 
TheRealCallie said:
I just want to respond to this part right now.  I'll come back later for the rest. 

Now I could be wrong, but I feel like this is a bluff and/or manipulation.  What would happen if you called him on it?  Like if you say "Well, if that's what you want" or something like that?

And now I see Nicole asked that. lol

Yeah...it's a bluff. A manipulation tactic that I stupidly have fallen for too many times. But the last time I didn't and he tried something new - the tears and pleading. I feel like he has to be a victim too. Why must people feel the need to have others feel sorry for them in order to feel secure? It's kind of beyond my understanding. I love him for him, not because I pity him...My social worker says he likely hasn't "evolved" beyond the age of 16...that I don't get either.

I'm exhausted by all of this. But I'm entangled right now. As any man or woman knows, who's been in this situation, it's not easy to leave. My social worker also said a lot of abused women have "the disease of hope" - always forgiving, tolerating in hopes that he will finally see her worth. I think my cure is to boost my self-esteem and go about my life despite his tantrums. So difficult to live that way though.

I just realized how ashamed I feel. I joined this forum to ask the question, is alone time selfish, and I've so quickly divulged an abusive situation. Ugh.
 
I am sorry, Fay, this is a tough situation. But there are tougher marriages that survived and healed. It is so easy to advice to leave your spouse but many people end up in a cycle of finding someone, then leaving, and so on, realizing later that they might have been better off working hard on the first one. Marriage is hard, it needs a lot of work. But there are many resources available.

Men are defined by their work, their output, using their hands or brains. This is not true for all men, of course, but it is mostly for those in the older generation. When he was working, everything went smoothly. But now, with nothing to preoccupy him, and being around all day, there is a tendency to get into each others’ case because that’s the only thing you both see around, as if you are in a cage.

You used to spend the evenings together. You were his breathe of fresh air then to detox the anger (maybe) and frustration or challenges at work, and wherever he goes during the day like the bank, the line at the deli, or the congested traffic. If he cannot get work, he can do volunteer work in the meantime, just to get out of the house, be preoccupied and some fulfillment that he helped someone during the day. Try a nearby church. At one point or another before the pandemic, I helped move furniture for homeless people that began to rebuild, I volunteered two days a week to drive people to medical appointments, fix up homes, etc.

But here is one suggestion that you might want to consider. Your relationship needs a reset. I recommend that you check out these two marriage ministries. They have a lot of success stories, I have been to one as well as many of my friends and it is an eye opener. Although they are faith-based, they only focus on marriage restoration with a lot of practical help and counseling. One is called A Weekend to Remember at https://www.familylife.com/weekend-to-remember/. It is held in different cities nationwide. Check out the website. The other is Hope Restored at https://bit.ly/2NEQ81i. Don’t give up, you had a good thing going and you just need to find and restore what made it so.
 
You are definitley not being selfish fay. He sounds like he knows what buttons to push to get you to do what he wants. He also sounds like he is in a very unhealthy state, not to mention the damage he is casuing you. So, to aid both of you, you need to take time for yourself. If you feel like you are being selfish still then, before taking time for yourself, give him some advice on things he can do to fill his time (assuming you havent done so already).

What it all comes down to is that you need to make a decision and stick to it, stand your ground no matter what he tries because he will try to get to move but you must not budge, send the message that you have made up your mind and wont reverse your position and that his tricks wont work on you anymore. 

Force him out of his comfort zone in order ellicit change. This will be healthy for both you and him.
 
MaybeICanHelp said:
I am sorry, Fay, this is a tough situation. But there are tougher marriages that survived and healed. It is so easy to advice to leave your spouse but many people end up in a cycle of finding someone, then leaving, and so on, realizing later that they might have been better off working hard on the first one. Marriage is hard, it needs a lot of work. But there are many resources available.

Men are defined by their work, their output, using their hands or brains. This is not true for all men, of course, but it is mostly for those in the older generation. When he was working, everything went smoothly. But now, with nothing to preoccupy him, and being around all day, there is a tendency to get into each others’ case because that’s the only thing you both see around, as if you are in a cage.

You used to spend the evenings together. You were his breathe of fresh air then to detox the anger (maybe) and frustration or challenges at work, and wherever he goes during the day like the bank, the line at the deli, or the congested traffic. If he cannot get work, he can do volunteer work in the meantime, just to get out of the house, be preoccupied and some fulfillment that he helped someone during the day. Try a nearby church. At one point or another before the pandemic, I helped move furniture for homeless people that began to rebuild, I volunteered two days a week to drive people to medical appointments, fix up homes, etc.

But here is one suggestion that you might want to consider. Your relationship needs a reset. I recommend that you check out these two marriage ministries. They have a lot of success stories, I have been to one as well as many of my friends and it is an eye opener. Although they are faith-based, they only focus on marriage restoration with a lot of practical help and counseling. One is called A Weekend to Remember at https://www.familylife.com/weekend-to-remember/. It is held in different cities nationwide. Check out the website. The other is Hope Restored at https://bit.ly/2NEQ81i. Don’t give up, you had a good thing going and you just need to find and restore what made it so.

I'll be honest, he stopped working due to (what he says) social anxiety and a general hatred towards humanity. He told me he will never work another day in his life, even if we end up in the poorhouse. He's entitled and spoiled. (My fault likely). The only way any kind of counselling will work is if he participates and he says that counselling is bullsh*t. In fact he makes fun of me when I read self-help books. I think I need a reset away from him!!


Sunless Sky said:
You are definitley not being selfish fay. He sounds like he knows what buttons to push to get you to do what he wants. He also sounds like he is in a very unhealthy state, not to mention the damage he is casuing you. So, to aid both of you, you need to take time for yourself. If you feel like you are being selfish still then, before taking time for yourself, give him some advice on things he can do to fill his time (assuming you havent done so already).

What it all comes down to is that you need to make a decision and stick to it, stand your ground no matter what he tries because he will try to get to move but you must not budge, send the message that you have made up your mind and wont reverse your position and that his tricks wont work on you anymore. 

Force him out of his comfort zone in order ellicit change. This will be healthy for both you and him.

The biggest problem is that he does nothing all day long. Most of the time he's just fooling around on the internet, just browsing and "wasting time" as he puts it. The last few days he's been hiding in the bedroom watching movies all day - sad movies. I know he's depressed, but he refuses to get help or help himself. If I dare suggest he do something, he gets sarcastic on me. He's like a spoiled brat most of the time.

And yes, I know I need to stick to my decisions. That's where I'm weak. I have all sorts of lovely ideas for boundaries, but I start to panic when I enforce them and then I reneg. It's very unhealthy and I recognize that I do it. I don't have friends or family. I'm quite an introvert, so this doesn't bother me, in fact I made the choice years ago not to let too many people in my life because it really caused me emotional stress. But I'm happy that way. I see though, not having a support system has made me scared of confrontation. And you're right, he does pull his tricks. When I stand up for myself he goes out of his way to cause discomfort (making lots of noise at night, refusing to do his share of responsibilities re: house and pets) and display hostility (slamming doors, giving me dirty looks, snapping at me). He knows how emotionally sensitive I am, that this kind of behaviour is intolerable for me. But my guess is that he does it to push me to break my boundary.

I'm trying to work on my self-esteem. I feel trapped.
 

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