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Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

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tedgresham

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I've written about what I'm going to write about already, somewhere here. I forget. But today I need to vent.

I've been married for 44 years. We've been up and down but almost always got along. She's always been the star in my sky. But over a decade ago she just quit being affectionate, loving, or passionate. I do not know why. I've asked, gotten no response. When I was sick and in the hospital she was there, when I was bedridden an in a wheel chair she was there. But now that I'm doing well, loosing weight, feeling and looking much better she does very little. I don't know if she was being a responsible, "good wife" when I was sick or was there because I mattered. It's very confusing.

She says she's "too old" for passion or sex. She acts as if she's very old but she's just 60, four years younger than me. I don't think someone can be too old. I am certainly now able and wishing for some attention that I don't think I'll ever get here.

When we were younger we always planned to move to a new place, preferably New Mexico. Now she insists on staying here on this family land I detest in a town I detest with our without me. She won't even talk about it.

She won't talk about anything. She has no interest in how I feel, what bothers me, or anything I'm interested in. I've written three books and a lot of articles and stories. She's read one book.

I look for someone to talk to, maybe someone to meet, because I'm just a fly on the wall here, and a maid and janitor and cook. All I manage to talk with turn out to be catfish. Every personals, dating, nice or naughty site, paid or free, just catfish. Where are the real people?

I was sick and overweight and fighting depression with booze. After two stints in the hospital and loosing a lot of fluid weight I decided to change my life. I've now lost fifty pounds in a couple months, not to mention the twenty more of fluid the doctors got off me. I wear smaller clothes now and the ones I wore six months ago are way too big. I feel better than I have in many, many years. I look better. But all I get from her is an "Oh, nice." I don't think it's bad that I just want a woman who gives a damn, who asks about what I'm doing and is interested. Who likes affection and returns it.

I am hurt and sad that I'm stuck here. Most days I'm ok. I'm working on a new book. Some days, like today, being here just gets to me.

OK, I've vented. Not a hell of a lot I can do about it. Such is life.
 

Sunless Sky

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I get the feeling man. I was with someone that eventually lost interest and moved on to someone else. It hurt. A lot. I am a stronger person for it though.

Hope you find someone that will give you as much love and attention as you are willing to give them.

If there is one thing I can say to you though is. If you do find someone else. Don't cheat. End the relationship first. Either officially or unofficially.

Now that I have said that though. I do have one question, have you considered marriage counseling?
 

tedgresham

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I don't trust counselors. Banged heads with them when I had foster kids. My wife is religious and I'm mostly anti-religious, a discussion we never have. I wouldn't know where to go.
 

ringwood

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It's been my experience (and this goes for any kind of relationship - not just couples) that breakdowns happen because of a lack of communication. You say you've talked and asked her about things, but I wonder how much effort you've truly put into the situation? Have you ever sat down with your wife and told her straight-out how you feel, that you are now at the point in your relationship where you're seriously considering leaving? You say above that you don't trust counsellers - OK, fine. But there's plenty of other non-biased people out there that could also work as mediators between your wife and yourself - since your wife is religious, what about a trusted pastor?

One thing that very much stands out to me is this sentence: But over a decade ago she just quit being affectionate, loving, or passionate. Since she's 60 now, a decade ago would place her firmly at the beginning of menopause - a time of life that many, many women struggle with, both emotionally and physically. I'm 50 myself and while I can't speak to the affection part as I'm naturally an affectionate person, I can speak to the lack of libido that often accompanies this time of life. When I was younger, all it took was a simple look or single thought to get in the mood, but these days, sex requires a lot more effort on my part. Not to say I don't enjoy it, but I definitely have to invest a lot more imagination and brain-power to get into sometimes.

Also, it's obvious that your wife has invested much of herself into your care and well-being in the past - hospital stays, being confined to a wheelchair, and also your battles with depression and booze. I question how much of that care has been reciprocated on your part? 44 years is a long time to be with a partner and it's pretty damn easy to slip into complacency.

Anyway - I highly suggest you consider some ways to truly explore all your options before you go off on a grand search for 'something better'. And also - if your ultimate decision is to leave, then give your wife the respect she deserves by ending the relationship before you find someone else. AKA - don't be a dick and cheat behind her back.
 
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People change for a variety of reasons. Marriage is for better or for worse. But, neither person should suffer in a marriage, which it sounds like you are. All I can think to do is try your ABSOLUTELY best to breath life back into her somehow or leave the marriage and possible stay friends with her.

I watched a lifetime original movie similar to your situation. At first the original wife wanted nothing to do with her ex-husband. She was angry because she took care of him when he was sick. But, in time, she appreciated the friendship more. She no longer got or felt pressure to be a certain way from her ex-husband. The ex-husband got to enjoy his life again without being held back. It was a happy ending like most of the lifetime original movies. That's why I like to watch them.
 

Adamridge79

Mr Bakerman
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Fucking burning Christ on a Cracker...44 years? Oh....boo hoo. She doesn't want her dried up area invaded by a very dried wrinkley member...damn those awesome 42 years...selfish bitch (taste the palatable irony)
 

orangecat

perpetual grump
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Fucking burning Christ on a Cracker...44 years? Oh....boo hoo. She doesn't want her dried up area invaded by a very dried wrinkley member...damn those awesome 42 years...selfish bitch (taste the palatable irony)
1n2hie.jpg
 

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