Our Own Worst Enemy

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okidoke

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What I'm about to say applies to me as much as it does for anyone else on this site. It was a little hard for me to write as I had to face my own demons and I'm sure there's plenty I could've added or outlined better.

We each have our situations to endure, issues to cope with and challenges to overcome. Often we feel hopeless, useless, despondent and even in utter despair where it feels like we can only take the final alternative. We can't see a way out. We think that other people don't understand OUR complex situation, because, you know, they're not living OUR life.

"Yes, yes, you have it difficult too and blah blah blah, but MY situation is just so, so, ARRRRGH, you just don't get it."

Or so it may feel to us. But the truth is, (barring of course serious mental illness where we can't even function effectively enough to even communication coherently with a fellow human being, and I assume those who are writing up their situations on here have at least that much cognitive function and so can appreciate what I'm saying) often we are causing our own problems. We are making things difficult for ourselves. Sure we have all this STUFF that makes our lives so horrid, but if we take an honest close look at ourselves, at what we're doing or not doing, we'll start to realise that we're doing so much to our own selves that we're going to be stuck in our situation until we either change our current habits or take that final alternative, which you really shouldn't take because you have a right to your life. Nothing should force you to take that option.

"So what am I doing to myself? How am I to blame? Why is it my fault? Tell me what to DO!"

We ask people for advice, help, ideas, thoughts, perspectives, and people often provide, but we read, hear, understand what they provide, and then, then nothing. We don't do anything different. We continue to wallow in our self pity, we continue to do what we've been doing for so long, we dismiss and argue and mock and be condescending to all those that have provided an answer to what we sought. And why do we do that? We're lazy. We're in a comfort zone. We're too angry. We're too weak. We're too cynical. We're too obnoxious. We're too proud. We're too scared. And a whole bunch of other things that we could put forth.

But nobody else can do it for you. Nobody can grant you that wish that will make it all better. Nobody can provide you friends or a partner or the job or house you want. Only you can make that change in yourself. There are enough tools already available on the internet and IRL for you to learn skills in communication, or assertiveness, or confidence, or whatever, but you have to be willing to take the chance to try. Get moving. Get out there. Interact with other people in various social circles. Make connections. If you have no friends, well you can't make less friends, so there's only gains to be make if you put in the effort. Start small and grow. Give yourself the chance to try. It doesn't matter how many times you try. You just have to try more.

"It's not worth the effort."

Yes it is. You know it is because of the situation you don't want to be in right now. Make your life meaningful. Give yourself a chance. Maybe you'll make someone else's life meaningful in the meantime. As I said at the start; this applies to me as it does for anyone else. I needed to hear myself say it. I can lay plenty of blame on others for my situation, but in the end, I have to be the one that is responsible for the rest of my life.

Take responsibility. Take chances.

Oh btw, @Bam111 has some very interesting links to videos here, some of which relate to how we think and use our brains.
 
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okidoke

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Very Thoughtful Post I Enjoyed Reading It But My Criticism Of Your Post Is This You Cannot Think Or Feel Your Way Out Of Most Bad Situation's.
I didn't quite say that though. I pretty much said that we're causing our own difficulties. You're putting in BUTS, as in "But you can't think or feel your way out of most bad situations" That's is just so not true. We need to change our habits. Look at your situation and ask yourself what you're doing or are not doing that other people are doing opposite and achieving. You can make all sorts of excuses for your situation, we can all do that, and some people have it much worse than others, but when you look at the lives of some people and see that they have had much worse situations than your own and made their lives more happier, you have no excuses, only reasons you haven't made your own situation better yet. I have such faults myself, but I'm becoming aware of what they are and how I should change my own habits.
 

Lionel Richie 1983

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I didn't quite say that though. I pretty much said that we're causing our own difficulties. You're putting in BUTS, as in "But you can't think or feel your way out of most bad situations" That's is just so not true. We need to change our habits. Look at your situation and ask yourself what you're doing or are not doing that other people are doing opposite and achieving. You can make all sorts of excuses for your situation, we can all do that, and some people have it much worse than others, but when you look at the lives of some people and see that they have had much worse situations than your own and made their lives more happier, you have no excuses, only reasons you haven't made your own situation better yet. I have such faults myself, but I'm becoming aware of what they are and how I should change my own habits.
I'm going to have to disagree with you a bad situation is a bad situation regardless of if it's worse or not than someone else's situation. Thinking And Feeling Help At Times But For Some People At Sometimes It Really Is Hopeless And There Is Just Nothing To Do Now I Know Most People Hate To Hear That But That's Life Sometimes.
 

okidoke

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I'm going to have to disagree with you a bad situation is a bad situation regardless of if it's worse or not than someone else's situation. Thinking And Feeling Help At Times But For Some People At Sometimes It Really Is Hopeless And There Is Just Nothing To Do Now I Know Most People Hate To Hear That But That's Life Sometimes.
You may certainly disagree. Let me just say though, at 55 and having been in some very bad situations, I realise now that if I had opted for a different way of thinking about my situation, stopped agonising and self-pitying myself, stopped blaming others and took responsibility and a chance, I could’ve avoided much of what I suffered. The reason you speak as you do is because you are blind to any alternative. You can’t see any way out. Your mind has closed down your ability to see and realise that you actually can change your situation. If you’re still saying disagreeing with what I say, I’ll refer you back to the OP about why we don’t change.
 

CenotaphGirl

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Not sure I agree with this 100%, but I think theres worth in trying. I have been in situations that was forced on me, my mind set wouldn't change anything to do with them sadly. However, I have had so much mental work after the fact to try and piece myself back together. That is something I agree with, sitting in self pity for a couple of months was only human but at some point I had to get serious and pull myself out the trenches
 

Bam111

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To start this post, I have bin asked by the writer to view and comment on the thread in which I accept, I have not posted in many other threads because I tend to get rather passionate about others and their well-being and in such, I tend to get exhausted (not in a bad way but in a passionate one) I took a long time away from this site and its viewers because such reasons I needed time to recharge and cope with both my own problems and others whom I care deeply for. I will only be answering the content of the creators and there will be no fallow ups as to not allow others to share their views and thoughts. with that being said I shall like to answer some of the things being said.

in order to answer your post, I feel that there is truth in the matter of us causing ourselves a great deal of pain it we are here for one reason or another. For myself I first started here because I was (since a very early age) secluded by myself my mother used to lock me up in my room (literally) if I was not in school or if I was not taking care of my younger siblings or getting beaten on by her, she would lock me away in my room. I (since I can remember) was different I hear and see things normal people cannot I had night terrors of things you can't even imagine I was always picked on as a boy for talking about these things to my peers. I was bullied I was ridiculed the only outlet I had was my mother boyfriend would always convince her to let me play sports there I took out a lot of my hyper activeness and my anger and channeled into the game I was playing. but at home I was always never good enough I was useless I was a loser I was nothing to my mother. this continued on into my high school years.

by the time I reached young adulthood I was kicked out maybe around 17 years of age by my mother and I had nowhere to go so I was homeless and living from place to place until maybe about 20 when I ran out of places to come home to and I was on the street for 2 years (oh I never finished high school until later on.) those 2 years it would be the most lowest I ever sank all the while not knowing that I had a mental illness because my mother never took me to a doctor for my condition. later on in life around 22 I was found by my father's family and I was given a home once again before that I would take odd jobs here and there to pay for food I didn't beg there would be days where I missed eating completely and (other things I don't wish to mention) happened from that gap of 17- 22 (getting back to what I was saying my grandparents found me they took me in and later on in life I would meet others who affected my way of thinking for the better I got my high school diploma and still though I was not able to hold a steady job my lack of experience at the time and the location we were in was a small town (they found me in the next city over) which is around a 45 minute drive.

I went through many other things after that as well but to keep this short. It was 4 years ago when my brother passed away (my mom's other son who I took care of as a child) I finally snapped and tried to take my own life he was my only friend and close family member and I snapped I was pronounced dead but somehow I am still alive it was 4 years ago I finally found out I have psychosis with schizophrenia I was admitted to a clinic and they finally started the process of treatment for my condition. I see less than what I used 2 but I am still trying to cope with my symptoms I can't drive a car atm but I got my diploma and I am currently going to school to study psychology major to give back to the community that helped me I am on disability this will be the first year attended second semester I would have bin further along but I had another breakdown last semester when my grandfather passed away he raised be my young adulthood and him and my grandmother I couldn't thank enough for their help. Why am I sharing this? there are worse stories and also not so much worse stories of people that have lived and committed suicide we all are different.

I used to think of my condition as a curse that I was being punished by someone for something I must have done wrong, used to hate myself, pity myself, cry myself to sleep in the streets after hearing gunshots and sirens and waking up to someone trying to take my only things (heck I was shot at before for keeping a women on the streets safe from her abusive gang banging boyfriend) stabbed threatened etc. etc. but now. I forgotten my past for so long due to these circumstances until maybe a year maybe ago during an intense therapy session when they put me under hypnosis, I have tried taking my life more than once before and almost succeeded in my last attempt (that attempt saved my life, so it did the reverse.)

But we are not all the same that is the beauty of it all we are all different we are all with our own thoughts feelings emotions and fears, we all fear something and that's why we are here to find out why we need to seek someone or something to either be heard for me it's to listen. I want to help others It is what drives me to change it is what motivates me to post it is why I dedicate my life to trying to help others especially those with mental illness (not limited to that but mainly to help those in need.) we can change a negative to a positive and vice versa the thing is do you want to? really its painful, it's hard, its uncomfortable but if you really want something all that's standing in your way is really yourself.
 
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Bam111

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thank you for the read okidoke sorry if this does not answer your post I gave it a shot but overall thanks for the thread my friend its a good one :)
 

okidoke

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Not sure I agree with this 100%, but I think theres worth in trying. I have been in situations that was forced on me, my mind set wouldn't change anything to do with them sadly. However, I have had so much mental work after the fact to try and piece myself back together. That is something I agree with, sitting in self pity for a couple of months was only human but at some point I had to get serious and pull myself out the trenches
For sure I was never assuming that what I said was going to be 100% perfectly sound, and I'd probably expand by saying that when I mean situation, I mean an ongoing existence that's difficult to endure. I'm not so much talking about short term situations. Thanks for your input Ceno. :)
 

okidoke

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@Bam111 Thank you for gracing me with your reply my friend. I can appreciate how you probably felt writing that. I do understand what you are saying, and feel free to choose to reply here or in a PM after what I'm about to say. As I said in the OP, seriously mental illness pretty much dispels the advice and opions I have provided, and if you knew what you knew today, you probably would not have been able to put into practice any of those suggestions back then when you were suffering so badly. Mental illness is a massive barrier for sure. I suffer from it myself, as did my father, but my levels don't compare to yours, but taking my life was on the table several times (the thought of my young kids pulled me out of it). But, for those who aren't paralyzed by mental illness, at least have it somewhat under some control, and can genuinely ( I struggle with my vocabularly these days and find it hard to use the words that are more apt for my meaning) see and accept what their limitations have been, they should be able to take up the suggestions I put forth and begin to make changes in their life. Perhaps I'm a simpleton after all and I haven't grasped some aspect of all this, but we pretty much all know how powerful the mind is and we can convince ourselves of anything. If it's all too hard, then it will be too hard, but others have made it, from worse situations, so why can't any of us that have the freedom of movement and the ability to reason and make choices?
 

Unsigned

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Totally agree that in my ADULT LIFE I have been my own worst enemy. I allowed having a very bad childhood to completely rule my adult life. Having no mentors certainly played into it. Perhaps if I had grown up in the internet era some old guy like me would have given teenage me some good advice and the wisdom of his years.

Too old to change now though. Settling down with some divorced middle aged woman with kids is not an option. I'll just try to keep working out and control the drinking, as that is the source of most of my problems and bouts with depression.
 

okidoke

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@Unsigned if you believe you’re too old to change, you’re just meaning you believe you can’t change. Age has nothing to do with it. I’m a bit older than you and still managed to change. Well done on working on yourself though. None of us know the future.
 

Unsigned

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@Unsigned if you believe you’re too old to change, you’re just meaning you believe you can’t change. Age has nothing to do with it. I’m a bit older than you and still managed to change. Well done on working on yourself though. None of us know the future.
Thanks sir.
I'm 57 so I think I'm a tad older...but I take it as a compliment ;).

But you are correct.
I suppose it's not so much that I can't change, but that I resist it.
Trying to get on a better path. I'll see where it takes me.
All the best to you and everyone here.
 

okidoke

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Thanks sir.
I'm 57 so I think I'm a tad older...but I take it as a compliment ;).

But you are correct.
I suppose it's not so much that I can't change, but that I resist it.
Trying to get on a better path. I'll see where it takes me.
All the best to you and everyone here.
my apologies, i confused you with someone else. yeah, don't resist it. don't stop the possibility of good things occurring in your life. and please, don't call me sir :) oki is fine.
 

yohannbiimu

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I don't know if I'd call myself "my own worst enemy," but I AM indeed the source of all of my unhappiness and sense of failure. It's just who I am. I cannot comprehend interpersonal relationships and communicate with people about things that are of any interest to them. I mean, on top of having relatability issues, I'm also not imaginative or talented in areas that do interest me greatly. I'm not even mediocre. I had such hopes for myself, but they're all gone. I'm 61 years old, I have no legacy whatsoever, and I cannot conceptualize ever gaining anything meaningful in my life. I don't want to be a failure, but it's unavoidable. I simply do not have the means to pull myself out of the abyss.
 

Mr Preuss

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Nobody can provide you (...) the job or house you want.

Hell yeah, the government can. That's why people struggle for socialism, which is a lot more preferable than internet coaching. To say that you have to somehow improve or change yourself in order to get the job or house that you want is nothing more than bourgeois ideology, and it implies that people aren't (or shouldn't be) entitled to that by default, which is abominable.

Overall, I rate your whole post bourgeois ideology/10.
 

okidoke

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I don't know if I'd call myself "my own worst enemy," but I AM indeed the source of all of my unhappiness and sense of failure. It's just who I am. I cannot comprehend interpersonal relationships and communicate with people about things that are of any interest to them. I mean, on top of having relatability issues, I'm also not imaginative or talented in areas that do interest me greatly. I'm not even mediocre. I had such hopes for myself, but they're all gone. I'm 61 years old, I have no legacy whatsoever, and I cannot conceptualize ever gaining anything meaningful in my life. I don't want to be a failure, but it's unavoidable. I simply do not have the means to pull myself out of the abyss.
Seems to me that what you're writing here actually goes to prove that you are indeed your own worst enemy.

Hell yeah, the government can. That's why people struggle for socialism, which is a lot more preferable than internet coaching. To say that you have to somehow improve or change yourself in order to get the job or house that you want is nothing more than bourgeois ideology, and it implies that people aren't (or shouldn't be) entitled to that by default, which is abominable.

Overall, I rate your whole post bourgeois ideology/10.
I rate your eagerness to just be argumentative 10/10 and will not waste my time addressing your ridiculous comment.
 

Mr Preuss

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Seems to me that what you're writing here actually goes to prove that you are indeed your own worst enemy.

Yeah, "seems" is the right word here. Clearly you doesn't know what I'm talking about in the first place. It takes years of actual study to even begin to understand the deepness of Marxian thought. Note that while what you wrote there is so shallow anyone can understand, the categorization of what you wrote as "bourgeois ideology", while seemingly uncomplicated at first, is actually immersed in a highly profuse theoretical conjunture. But no further explanation is necessary, it suffices to denounce it for what it is.

I rate your eagerness to just be argumentative 10/10 and will not waste my time addressing your ridiculous comment.

Whatever floats your boat. I'm actually giving you the chance to learn a bit here, but I'm not going out of my way to teach you anything.
 

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