Medyas
Member
Sorry in advance for any grammatical errors. I'm just going to write freely because I'm too stressed to worry about how elegant my writing is...
I'm 28. I don't feel as strongly about things as I used to, and for a while, I thought that was fine because I know my strengths -but it is very difficult to socialize when you're not brimming with excitement over a topic. Or when you don't take sides, because you can see the logical and valid paths between diverging concepts and it makes it impossible for you to assert a position. Community College was probably the greatest period in my life because I felt like I was going somewhere. I didn't feel the loneliness because there was plenty of productive work and interactions to be had. People saw me as inspiring and insightful. When I spoke, they listened. But then I graduated...
My current job pays well and the people are very kind, but the job does not energize me and I don't know how to get to where I want to be (or if I still want it at all). Because my job is incapable of distracting me, and because it doesn't give me an opportunity to shine, my loneliness comes to the surface. So now I'm in a situation where I need to determine the next step in my career and study and research vigorously to develop the skills and ideas that will take me there. But it's not just that, because if I don't take care of my mental health, then I won't have the emotional energy to focus -so I also need to study and research things I don't necessarily care about just so I can catch up with my friends and be interesting. And all of this is just an elaborate plot to find that special person that I can be vulnerable with and share intimate moments. And everything is connected and interdependent of each other because a fulfilled person will exude the energy and positivity that draws people towards them. And those people, in turn, make you feel validated, happy, and motivated.
So, somehow I have to find the physical, mental, and emotional energy to balance all of these things so that I can make meaningful progress. And yet, after work, I often find myself too tired to muster the amount of focus I need. The stress makes me want to revert to my old coping mechanisms, like watching youtube or a series -but I don't get the same fulfillment from them. It just feels empty. So then I don't watch anything at all. I just lay around my apartment, wasting away... only to repeat the cycle day after day and dig myself deeper into this unfulfilling reality.
And all of this only scratches the surface of my problems when you dive into the notion that maybe I'm limited in some way. The people around me know the names of many artists, songs, events, useful facts, and references that equip them for long and engaging conversations -meanwhile, I live in the hypothetical and the abstract. So I wonder. Why were they able to accumulate all this knowledge, but I didn't? Why does it feel like it's harder for me to retain information? And this concept scares me and leads me to dark places, because I have depended on my mind for so long, what will I do if I discover that my only solution is marred by limitations that other people don't have? What will I do if I can't learn myself out of this situation?
Edit:
Suffice it to say, the thing that brought me here was the shattering of hope that maybe I found a girl with whom I could just let myself out completely. And in the absence of that possibility, I'm faced with the reality that I have nothing going for me. The days are just... empty.
I'm 28. I don't feel as strongly about things as I used to, and for a while, I thought that was fine because I know my strengths -but it is very difficult to socialize when you're not brimming with excitement over a topic. Or when you don't take sides, because you can see the logical and valid paths between diverging concepts and it makes it impossible for you to assert a position. Community College was probably the greatest period in my life because I felt like I was going somewhere. I didn't feel the loneliness because there was plenty of productive work and interactions to be had. People saw me as inspiring and insightful. When I spoke, they listened. But then I graduated...
My current job pays well and the people are very kind, but the job does not energize me and I don't know how to get to where I want to be (or if I still want it at all). Because my job is incapable of distracting me, and because it doesn't give me an opportunity to shine, my loneliness comes to the surface. So now I'm in a situation where I need to determine the next step in my career and study and research vigorously to develop the skills and ideas that will take me there. But it's not just that, because if I don't take care of my mental health, then I won't have the emotional energy to focus -so I also need to study and research things I don't necessarily care about just so I can catch up with my friends and be interesting. And all of this is just an elaborate plot to find that special person that I can be vulnerable with and share intimate moments. And everything is connected and interdependent of each other because a fulfilled person will exude the energy and positivity that draws people towards them. And those people, in turn, make you feel validated, happy, and motivated.
So, somehow I have to find the physical, mental, and emotional energy to balance all of these things so that I can make meaningful progress. And yet, after work, I often find myself too tired to muster the amount of focus I need. The stress makes me want to revert to my old coping mechanisms, like watching youtube or a series -but I don't get the same fulfillment from them. It just feels empty. So then I don't watch anything at all. I just lay around my apartment, wasting away... only to repeat the cycle day after day and dig myself deeper into this unfulfilling reality.
And all of this only scratches the surface of my problems when you dive into the notion that maybe I'm limited in some way. The people around me know the names of many artists, songs, events, useful facts, and references that equip them for long and engaging conversations -meanwhile, I live in the hypothetical and the abstract. So I wonder. Why were they able to accumulate all this knowledge, but I didn't? Why does it feel like it's harder for me to retain information? And this concept scares me and leads me to dark places, because I have depended on my mind for so long, what will I do if I discover that my only solution is marred by limitations that other people don't have? What will I do if I can't learn myself out of this situation?
Edit:
Suffice it to say, the thing that brought me here was the shattering of hope that maybe I found a girl with whom I could just let myself out completely. And in the absence of that possibility, I'm faced with the reality that I have nothing going for me. The days are just... empty.