Reality

[realitybites2022]

First, let me say I'm not looking for sympathy. I just need a place to express how I feel anonymously. I need someone in the world to know what I've written. I don't expect or need a response. I just need to get this out of my private thoughts.

I have a wife and children. I always dreamed of having a family. I've come to the conclusion that they, and people in general, don't care about me at all. They see me as a resource, someone who pays for what they need or drives them to where they need to go or gives them what they want. If I can't pay, or drive, or give, then I am of no use to them.

In the past I have gone to the hospital in an ambulance and they have gone on with their lives, didn't skip a beat, went to an event that very night while I took an Uber home from the hospital. There are other instances just like that.

My wife doesn't work and refuses to always stringing me along with new ideas or gimmicks that never lead to income. If she does make money she just keeps it. I'm expect to pay for everything, private school, college funding, retirement, trips, everything and then on top of that, give her money to spend and she has made it clear it's not enough.

My extended family knows of certain pain I have gone through in the past, heartbreaking pain, and never took the time to check in on me. During my darkest hours, they were not there, so I climbed out of the hole with a counselor and prayer.

I'm standing above ground today, taking on a new and exciting job, but knowing fully that my family isn't really interested in what I do. When I tell them about it, their eyes gloss over. They don't care. They only care about what I give them.

I've become stoic. I feel like a cog in a wheel, helping to produce, and then I will eventually just wear out, grow old, and die. Any everyone will be a bit happier because I gave them the greatest gift I could give them, my life insurance policy.

 

[StarDust]

Hi RealityBites - yeah... sometimes it helps to write it all down and get it out. I have a diary of sorts that I write in when I get that need to sort through my thoughts - especially when I feel hurt.. I, myself, had often thought that I am nothing more than a servant to friends, family and extended family members. All coming to my house, sitting at the table, with me alone prepping the food to serve them all. I then started looking at it from another perspective... I enjoy seeing everyone come together and sharing time with each other. If it is I that needs to do all the work to make it happen, so be it! Years later, it all forms wonderful memories, and I contributed to that.

You sound like a wonderful dedicated family man. Hang in there!

 

[realitybites2022]

Thank you. It did help to write that because after I read it, I sounded selfish to me. Although I do want to be appreciated, I also realize my greatest gift is helping my family feel safe and succeed. If their biggest problem in life is getting things, or rides, then I do think much of the other stuff, such as health, education, and emotional support is actually being taken care of already. They aren't hurting for anything of major consequence, so if I look at it that way, it helps for me to know my contribution to the big picture.

 

[user 136944]

Your not selfish at all.... many many men feel this way. It's admirable that you obviously pride yourself on taking care of your family, but men too need to feel loved and wanted. Obvioulsly I can't comment on the dynamics of your relationship, but just wanted to say that your feelings are perfectly valid and understandable.

 

[Sir Joseph]

Realitybites2022, you've seen the light in your own discourse, thanks to some good responses.

Life isn't fair, since most people are naturally takers rather than givers. Giving time, attention, care, or money is an act of love, and it takes a concerted effort to offer that when its not reciprocated. So why bother giving such unconditional love to family, friends, or strangers?

When we show love we feel good. It understandably bolsters our self image - and sometimes our reputation if others are aware of our actions. That's nice, but it's not the reason why we "should" show unconditional love.

As a Christian, I recognize and appreciate the fact that God loves me and proved it by incarnating and sacrificing himself painfully on the cross for me - the greatest act of unconditional love in world history. That's the real reason why we should show unconditional love to others - because Jesus did it for us and commands us to do the same. For those that accept this gift of grace, embrace him, and follow his example by loving others, a new world and eternal life awaits. And when that time comes, God promises that those with him will be rewarded for all their good, kind, and loving deeds.

Life isn't fair - now. But in the end, justice will be done.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Firstly, I respect a man who provides for his family. So props from me for that

This post is really sad, my dad was a huge provider, he was always up for an adventure, pay for whatever I want, drove me wherever I want. One day it dawned on me that he’s always there… ready to provide and Im flaky, rude and not a very nice person, I was never that way because he didnt matter to me though. Just preoccupied with me myself and I, it was sooo not personal. I hope your family realise and shift like I did. I’m sure they appreciate all you do.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

My father worked a lot, when I was growing up. He'd leave early every morning and get home late every night. He was a provider type. In my very young youth, I did spend quite a lot of time with him, actually, however. I'd say morning prayers with him, and on the weekends we'd do father, son, type stuff.

Even to this day though, he will lament about how people take advantage of you. He says at work, he'd do something nice to help out a coworker, then later on, they'd stab him in the back to get ahead. And if I'm honest, his family hasn't really cared all that much a lot of the time either. My mother left him, took a lot of money with her, and over the years, that's just kind of what he does, is work hard and make money.

The problem with my father, however, is this... If you are going to go to all that effort, all that sacrifice, to, 'provide,' for people; and then later, when people don't seem to appreciate it, have nothing but contempt and bitterness about it. YOU DONE messed UP! I know, because I've done that honeysuckle before. To give of yourself selflessly, requires, guess what? A little bit of, 'selflessness,' which means, not expecting anything in return. And, I think, it's easy to become a bit selfish in thinking that you want to be selfless...

Does that excuse me for being a very shitty son, some times? No, it does not. But more often than not, my father is aloof, to anything and everything going on in my life. It's like he's not even there some times. So where is he? I dunno.

But, I do know, that when it's just me and my father, alone, suddenly he's sort of more real. He'll confide in me a bit (some times a little bit more than I'm prepared for). He's generally still a bit aloof, even when alone with me; and I must be my father's son, because, I'm often lost in thought, most of my life, kind of aloof as well.

I think he comes from that generation, where, the wife is supposed to handle certain things. Men from this generation, in my experience, struggle to cook for themselves. They can do almost anything; but, when it comes to cooking a meal, they just fall apart; I don't get it.

So, in my experience, I just don't get it? Why, after so many years, sacrifice so much, and in certain ways, if it's going to do nothing but breed contempt? That's a waste for everyone.

Take my mother for example. There is a lot, I would be willing to give up, if she could just be a nice mom, who is loving, kind, patient, listening, and basically, just ******* motherly. But, she's not.

This culture has put way too much value on the material things in life. And I am not in anyway, saying there is something wrong with the material things; but, when it comes to the material things, they don't even respect and appreciate that stuff. A true materialist, loves the material, and gives special attention to it, makes use of it, tends to it, etc..

My mother manages to buy some new-fangled, shiney piece of junk, every so often. She bought a 600 dollar smoker grill, and used it maybe 4 times in a period of 2 years. That's not materialism, that's ******* stupidity. Then she'll cook a frozen pizza on a ******* piece of stone-wear she uses maybe 5 times a year. And then she complains she has no money, but a house full of fancy bullshit she barely ever makes full use of.

So, like I said, my father is a bit more open and real, when it's just me and him. I love my father, quite immensely.

I can't really speak to your experience, personally, because I've never been in that situation.

But it seems there are two angles to look at it from.

One thing I've learned, is that, if you present yourself as a doormat to people, they will wipe their feet on you, and walk all over you. Honestly, some times, I don't mind this; but, you have to accept that. And you have to accept, that, after a while, you might wear out or get destroyed even (that can happen to anyone, I suppose, at anytime, in almost any way...). Women are always talking about, 'boundaries,' today; but, as men, we are never told to establish our, 'borders,' our, 'territory.' Why? Because your a man: man up, figure it out for yourself, don't be a *****, don't be a pussy, etc.. etc..

So, if you build a house on sand, 15 years ago, you might expect the foundation to start leaning a bit after a while.

I can't possibly know your situation, I just know, a lot of the suffering I've experienced at the hands of others, is stuff, that, I ultimately signed up for. The first few times, it was on them, but afterward, I just accepted it. Men and women both do this honeysuckle, and it leads to the most amazingly, stupendously, profound, misunderstandings that will be as indecipherable as a 500 year old dead language and never get resolved...

On one extreme, perhaps you are very absent in the dealings of your family, thinking that to provide for them, is the most important duty and the only duty. Perhaps you are estranged from them. On the other hand, perhaps they take you for granted, to the point you are more just like some automaton that makes things work. Maybe it's both, maybe it's neither.

Whatever the situation. I'm quite certain, teenagers and young adults, are more often than not, going to be very self-absorbed; and in some respects, they should be. Those years are short and won't always be there. As for marriage... My guess, is that's a tough one. Probably anywhere from six months to 2 years after getting married, there is bound to be trouble, if even the tiniest leak in the hull of the ship, wasn't patched at the onset of the voyage...

anyway.. just my thoughts..

 

[August Campbell]

To respond to the OP, I used to think that life is unfair. But when I really look at my landscape of reality, I happily realize that the Universe compensates. In other words--for every curse that I suffer, I get an equal blessing or reward. For every thing that I suffer, I get something nice in return that makes up for it, that compensates. So the Universe has that compensatory equation.
For example, I have a close friend that I've had from way back in the early 1970s. At times, he can be very nasty, yet he's helped me with some things that Nobody else would. Or at least Nobody else would do it on a steady basis like he has. He can be incredibly nasty at times, but I forgive and tolerate it, because I just see those negative things as the price I have to pay for the incredible rewards I get. It's worth it, just as life itself is worth it.