So, I'm trying to find what my role in life is. It feels like I'm just now realizing I've been standing at a crossroads for a bit over a year. It has been recently noticeable. Almost like something has been unsuccessfully, yet doggedly trying to nudge me in any direction. And I really don't know. Therapy asks what do you want, when I don't honestly know. But I'm supposed to, and then it's just a circle. Then I come here and just spew our whatever nonsense I can come up with, like it's actually constructive, when it's just normalizing talking to myself, just with an audience that reads words, and is not hearing me do this in person. Cause people get nervous around that. So, convoluted as it is, when, if ever, did you find your direction?
I keep coming back here. I know logically I shouldn't. But I am so starved for theoretical human connection that I do. I know, I need to read this as a giant red flag, but I for now hold out hope. I also know I shouldn't, but I probably should.
Only typing this since most posts are 24 hours or more ago. Shoot, let's say..phone updates...are they really protecting me, or finding ways to spy on me better? I'm too vanilla for that, but I'm sure others have all sorts of stuff that some entity somewhere craves.
Yes,let's do this thing people think I'm weird for doing in the real world. Not overly strange when typed, but hold a conversation with yourself with actual words, and thats a 'conversation ' also I'm doing something while I'm bored. Seems legit
Today was a good day, not worried about using a non existent AK...But it was pretty cool. I saw pelicans, loons, Trumpeter Swans, herons, and many species of waterfowl, landed a very nice Largemouth I couldn't keep, had another fun class...and I actually talked to people like I'm a normal human. Not sure how there's a reason, but these....oh I get it. What are the days you become optimistic there will be more? That tracks...probably
I cannot speak for anyone else. But for the short time, yes pretty much each day, I come onto this forum. I look and strive for some type of banter. I'm abrasive, I never disguise that. I may even seem boorish and aggressive. But, the norm really does seem to retract and disengage. Not sure if it's confidence, or confrontation that is lacking. Or, I may be precieved as a total asshole. That's fair. But I do honestly strive to engage in actual conversations with the ones who find their way here.
Oh, I also really wish my conscience sounded like a thickly accented Russian, telling me things like, 'Comrade, you should really reconsider these unneeded vices'. 'Comrade, why must you continue with these unworthy vices?' 'Comrade (I can only hear the voice if it starts with Comrade), why do I have to be such a buzzkill?' 'Comrade, fuck it, let's do it' That would be one cool conscience. I would have to talk with them if they started advocating any kind of invasion theories however. I'd say to my friendly Comrade,'Hey, you're Rocky and Bullwinkle Russian, know your place Boris.' Then the nurses would ask if I wanted more juice, and they'd inject me again...and then it would be cotton ball air and numbers would taste like licorice.
This last statement made a 'challenge accepted' situation today. Now I get to learn how to be a...friend?...in the coming weeks and months. I'm just glad I'm not drunk at work..well, all waking hours anymore.
Apparently I can be in social situations and interact with other people. The caveat being, they need to be about 20+ years my senior. Do I take up pickle ball? That seems a bit much, active wise. I sure don't have the patience for knitting/crocheting. I really don't care for nursing homes for several reasons. Maybe I'll just keep doing this, and one day my own generation will hit that age, although that assumes they'd be tolerable. I'll hit 65 and need to be friends with an Ouija board and a non medicated medium.