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Self-discovery: what I have (not?) learnt

Wayfarer

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My journey for self discovery probably started a bit late: it was depression, around when I was 24yo, that "kickstarted it".
I used to think I'd figure it out with time, before then; after that I started obsessing over it, and that didn't make anything any better; now I've just accepted the situation and I have been trying to work on it as much as I can, without expecting anything.

If anything, the one thing I've learnt is how to be more patient, and maybe I've tempered myself on the way.
I've let go of some of my pride (still a long way to go, probably) and learnt to be selfish when I need to.

I have started going to a psychologist, and have been trying to work on things in a constructive manner.

However, I can safely say I still have the same exact issues I had years ago, if not more. My frame of mind might have changed, however I'm still as lost as I was when I was 24. Life surely isn't so kind to wait for you for as long as you need to figure things out, but that is fine... after all, at least it forces you to take a stand, eventually (sooner or later, depending on the actual situation).

So, again, one may ask what's the point of this post? True, I admit I was feeling slightly bitter, as it happens from time to time - and maybe more often lately since I need to make (or not make) several decisions - but that aside - and maybe influenced indirectly by the forum "renovation" - I was wondering if talking about "it", sharing what it is that I feel I am still missing and who knows, getting some advice back, might end up helping.

Anyway, to sum it up:
- I have no idea what I want to do for a living (I do have a job, but I don't like it. And tbh, I'm thinking about changing to a completely different field. Which one? No idea tbh.)
- I have no real passions (I do have several interests or hobbies, I guess you could call them, but none of them is either a constant nor fulfilling in and of itself... they are just a way to pass the time)
- For the past months (can't give you an exact number) I've been in a mostly apathetic state (been working on it with my therapist) and as you can imagine, it doesn't help at all, since it makes me more disconnected from my own emotions.
- I have been forcing myself to do things. I feel this is important because it is (I think) natural for us to want change but to actually reject it in a way; in short: why do anything, I just want to lie on the sofa. That's why I then used the word "forcing". Just today I spent some hours outside: went for a walk and then at the mall.
- I have no irl friends. I have been trying to connect with people, but be it my introversion, my disinterest in conventional conversation topics (although I do try engaging even in small talk), my lack of experience and whatnot... basically I just have 2-3 collegues I sometimes talk to, but never outside of the workplace.
Do I want more friends? I would say yes, but then I know that if someone reached out just now, I wouldn't necessarily enjoy it. That's just the way things are. I guess it would be more accurate to say I know I would like to have someone I can get along with, on my terms. But then, is that what being a friend is? I'm not so sure. So I guess all in all it makes sense that I'm still on my lonesome.

I can't think of other points at the moment. I'll add some as needed if I remember or am prompted to. If you have reached till here, thanks for reading and I hope you'd like to share some advice with me, or why not, ask further questions.
 

Sarah G

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I think it's good to force yourself to do things rather than just laying on the sofa letting everything get worse. I have to force myself to do most things: get up, shower, go shopping, blah blah. At least there's a chance things will improve if you're in the game.
 

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