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Should i go back to her?

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TheSkaFish

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I will say ... like the little cynical woman I am, some women will have virtual relations with a guy to keep him on the hook and to keep him being her well.. "emotional support" that she needs. (see and this is where some guys get confused, they think well.. I was her emotional support just as friends, for a lot of people that support is better entwined with desire, like an ego stroke).

My bestie at the moment is doing this to a guy in real life, her relationship is so abusive and when she goes to the gym she offloads onto a guy, he emotionally supports her and she throws him a bone... for his.. service? Not full on cheating..but.. inappropriate behaviour like flirting and blah blah.

I get scared now, that every interaction with a woman I'm attracted to, or could see potential for me to be attracted to, is just doing this to me instead, where I think we're making progress toward a real, meaningful, deep-level emotional connection but we're really not, because I'm just not good enough/interesting enough/don't make them feel strong enough good feelings for a real connection mostly because I don't have enough natural ability at anything to be impressive or interesting enough. And also because I'm generally open and warm/friendly, by nature.

I fell into a situation like that just before getting here actually, a lot of my early posts were a result of that situation. It was very confusing - very easy to mistake being someone's "emotional support" person, for a real, meaningful, deep level emotional connection and getting somewhere with someone (although there were a lot of red flags for why this person wasn't compatible with me, and that I wouldn't have been happy with them even if it had worked, that I knowingly turned a blind eye to).

Now I second-guess if women are being sincere with me or not, and I really don't matter to them at all, don't mean anything, will always be limited to being kept at arm's length. Once bitten, twice shy. Like I said I'm not quite cynical myself, and I want to hope that some people do see something in me. But I just don't know, and I worry about it.

I don't mean to be over the line, but I really feel like your friend shouldn't do what she's doing, it's not right. Stuff like that is the reason a lot of lonely men get angry in the first place, it doesn't just come from nowhere, it's a reaction to stuff like that (and also other things like the media, gender roles, and so on). Your friend should break it off with the abusive guy, because it's abusive. And she should break it off with the emotional support guy too, because nobody wants to spend their life like that, it's not a good thing to do to waste someone's time like that, to build someone up to set them up for a fall - it's manipulative and dishonest, and hurtful. Men using women, women using men, it doesn't matter who does it, using people is bad. She should sort herself out on her own.

Again, I don't mean to be yelling at you, but I just don't think it's right.
 
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CenotaphGirl

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I get scared now, that every interaction with a woman I'm attracted to, or could see potential for me to be attracted to, is just doing this to me instead, where I think we're making progress toward a real, meaningful, deep-level emotional connection but we're really not, because I'm just not good enough/interesting enough/don't make them feel strong enough good feelings for a real connection mostly because I don't have enough natural ability at anything to be impressive or interesting enough. And also because I'm generally open and warm/friendly, by nature.

I fell into a situation like that just before getting here actually, a lot of my early posts were a result of that situation. It was very confusing - very easy to mistake being someone's "emotional support" person, for a real, meaningful, deep level emotional connection and getting somewhere with someone (although there were a lot of red flags for why this person wasn't compatible with me, and that I wouldn't have been happy with them even if it had worked, that I knowingly turned a blind eye to).

Now I second-guess if women are being sincere with me or not, and I really don't matter to them at all, don't mean anything, will always be limited to being kept at arm's length. Once bitten, twice shy. Like I said I'm not quite cynical myself, and I want to hope that some people do see something in me. But I just don't know, and I worry about it.

I don't mean to be over the line, but I really feel like your friend shouldn't do what she's doing, it's not right. Stuff like that is the reason a lot of lonely men get angry in the first place, it doesn't just come from nowhere, it's a reaction to stuff like that (and also other things like the media, gender roles, and so on). Your friend should break it off with the abusive guy, because it's abusive. And she should break it off with the emotional support guy too, because nobody wants to spend their life like that, it's not a good thing to do to waste someone's time like that, to build someone up to set them up for a fall - it's manipulative and dishonest, and hurtful. Men using women, women using men, it doesn't matter who does it, using people is bad. She should sort herself out on her own.

Again, I don't mean to be yelling at you, but I just don't think it's right.
I totally agree! she deffo should stop, but using people is addictive, it's not an easy thing to stop.
 

Finished

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I will say ... like the little cynical woman I am, some women will have virtual relations with a guy to keep him on the hook and to keep him being her well.. "emotional support" that she needs. (see and this is where some guys get confused, they think well.. I was her emotional support just as friends, for a lot of people that support is better entwined with desire, like an ego stroke).

He emotionally supports her and she throws him a bone... for his.. service? Not full on cheating..but.. inappropriate behaviour like flirting and blah blah.
I had a work relationship like that when we were away from others. While others were around we were both very professional. She would unload on me about her relationship while allowing me to tease her and make sexual comments to her. I would make funny sexual comments that would obviously never come true. I.E. Let me know ahead of time when you two are going to have sex so I can be in the room watching and giving direction. But it would be purely to understand your point of view. Ha! ha! We would both laugh then she would tell me what an asshole he was this past weekend. I would just say something like, that dick! I would never do that. I would treat you like a princess. Then I would................ Ha! ha!

I knew there would be nothing more between us. She was really pretty. I really enjoyed looking at her and joking with her. But, OMG, she was a total nut bag. I did not want to get into the middle of that mess. We even needed to take over night, multiple day, work trips together. Nothing ever happened. Well, until she kissed me. I totally did not expect it and I was taken back. I must have had a weird look on my face because she said, OMG! I'm so sorry. She went one way and I went the other. Later she wanted to talk about what happened. I said nothing happened. It took a few weeks but things got back to the way they were before and I was glad.

I never figured anything would come of it. I actually liked what we had. I felt safe and she felt safe. She could tell me anything and she did. I wouldn't meet her outside of work. I knew that would be crossing the line. I also would never be around her unless there were other people nearby. One can only withstanding temptations and teasing for so long. It's kind of like playing with fire and that makes it even more fun. We both got something out of it. I didn't feel used.

So, I know what you were originally talking about.
 
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CenotaphGirl

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I had a work relationship like that when we were away from others. While others were around we were both very professional. She would unload on me about her relationship while allowing me to tease her and make sexual comments to her. I would make funny sexual comments that would obviously never come true. I.E. Let me know ahead of time when you two are going to have sex so I can be in the room watching and giving direction. But it would be purely to understand your point of view. Ha! ha! We would both laugh then she would tell me what an asshole he was this past weekend. I would just say something like, that dick! I would never do that. I would treat you like a princess. Then I would................ Ha! ha!

I knew there would be nothing more between us. She was really pretty. I really enjoyed looking at her and joking with her. But, OMG, she was a total nut bag. I did not want to get into the middle of that mess. We even needed to take over night, multiple day, work trips together. Nothing ever happened. Well, until she kissed me. I totally did not expect it and I was taken back. I must have had a weird look on my face because she said, OMG! I'm so sorry. She went one way and I went the other. Later she wanted to talk about what happened. I said nothing happened. It took a few weeks but things got back to the way they were before and I was glad.

I never figured anything would come of it. I actually liked what we had. I felt safe and she felt safe. She could tell me anything and she did. I wouldn't meet her outside of work. I knew that would be crossing the line. I also would never be around her unless there were other people nearby. One can only withstanding temptations and teasing for so long. It's kind of like playing with fire and that makes it even more fun. We both got something out of it. I didn't feel used.

So, I know what you were originally talking about.

Yeah honestly, I think a guy validating your feelings, being there for you, is.. not supposed to be, but it is almost like a drug. Also guys who are a bit... insecure who act like you're a 10/10... it's such a ego boost. I think it can be something some people just exploit. It's hard to exploit it if you dont feed it.. with flirtation and well... naughty behaviour lol It comes back to the other argument, how to romance a guy... You cant buy him chocolates and play it off... so you just get a little sexual... It's wrong, but people deffo do it. You can almost always trust a guy not to be offended, to be flattered because it's not the norm for men, when do they have women throwing themselves at them? It's not common. When you know he never has a woman you dont even need to do that much... just flash him or something. You know.. it makes me think of the Forest Gump scene.
 

Finished

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You know.. it makes me think of the Forest Gump scene.
iu
 

ewomack

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A lot of men and women never learn how to relate to each other in a non-sexual manner. It's hard for many of them to be just friends and leave the flesh aside, there is always some strange tension left lingering. I have so many strange work stories, similar to Finished's, that I don't know where to start. Thankfully, none of them ever went past "weird," but I always felt like I had to "confess" them to my wife, even though nothing ever happened. Things would be going along just fine, I would even go to lunch with some of them. No dirty talk, no innuendoes, just talking between two people. Then one day some strange comment like "I miss sex" or "you really should keep me in your life because I'm a great cook" or "so what do you find attractive in a woman" or out of the blue invitations to their houses would happen and then things would suddenly take a bizarre turn. I kept wondering if I was doing something because I usually go out of my way to not dangle into that territory, especially at work. And they just kept happening.

So I brought it up to a therapist, who was also a woman, and she said that many women never learn to relate to men non-sexually, so they get to a point where they just "like" someone or enjoy their company, but they've never experienced a celibate relationship with a man before, so they find themselves having confused sexual thoughts and begin to act out, not knowing what else to do. It was the best possible explanation that I had heard to that point, but it also depressed me because I would like to think I could have a real friendship with a woman without things becoming sexual. And I have had plenty of real friendships with women without any flirtation or teasing, etc. If a woman does any of that to me, I want it to be real, not some sort of validation or game on her part. Everyone has different opinions on that, but I think it's just using people, especially since that behavior can easily get carried away and lead to misunderstandings, resentment and hurt. Men do it as well, so I'm not saying this is a woman-only thing, it's just the way that I've experienced it. But I enjoy the company of women socially and I hate that this nonsense has to intervene sometimes. But I guess humans will be humans.
 

orangecat

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Update: I contacted her and we are "friends" for now. I put that in quotes because at first we were friends but after some time we gave in to our instincts and had virtual sex. She said she could never see me as a regular friend as I am special to her. I told her I needed something real and she said she couldn't provide that due to her issues and that I should find a girl that can provide that for me. So I still have feelings for her but I must keep myself open for other relationships.

I still want to meet her irl, relationship or no but she is still resistant to the idea.

Anyway that's how things stand now.
I read your original post and your updated one and I don't have a good feeling about this. Because you want something real and still have feelings for her but she has said she can't because of past issues. I don't know her well enough but don't be fooled by her saying you are special because she may very well have several "special" friends. I don't know and i may be making the wrong assumptions about a stranger but just take care of yourself.
 

Colster

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I read your original post and your updated one and I don't have a good feeling about this. Because you want something real and still have feelings for her but she has said she can't because of past issues. I don't know her well enough but don't be fooled by her saying you are special because she may very well have several "special" friends. I don't know and i may be making the wrong assumptions about a stranger but just take care of yourself.
Couldn't you have just said, "Burn the witch", even if only for theatrical connotations. 😁
 

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