So this is how it feels?

[CenotaphGirl]

Honestly, I am feeling like a sense of irony in dealing with low self-esteem and shyness, because it's so unnatural to me.
I was a model and an actress, literally so orientated around my looks and my confidence, I never understood others who were insecure.
After a terrible incident on the way home from one of my auditions, my wounds healed but my mind hasn't. I've never felt good enough or beautiful since.
I feel like I was the type of girl to be nice to everyone even prior to the incident however, I realise I was never really truly nice or understanding, I just didn't get it.
However, it's hard, I don't fit the stereotypical insecure girl, I can see that, but all I can feel is ashamed of who I am, my appearance. I cant speak without slightly stuttering, voice shaking... I hate this new me. I just want the old me back, I guess its just enlightening that this is how it feels to be on the other side, the insecure side.. the shy side.

How do you deal/cope with this? Do you see a way out of feeling like this?

 

[Sunless Sky]

I can't think of a way out of your situation since I struggle with low self esteem too.

One thing you could try is talking about it. What was this incident you are referring to? Why do you think it has left such a mental scar?

 

[TheRealCallie]

Have you been diagnosed with anything? It kind of sounds like BDD, which can be a ***** to overcome. Are you seeing anyone to help you work through your thoughts, like a therapist?

Honestly, the only way you are going to get better is for you to accept everything about your life. Your appearance, your past, your...well, just everything. Easier said than done and sometimes even if you think you have, you really haven't.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I can't think of a way out of your situation since I struggle with low self esteem too.

One thing you could try is talking about it. What was this incident you are referring to? Why do you think it has left such a mental scar?

I'm sorry, can I ask how long you have suffered with this?

It seems so unbeatable to me at the moment.

I almost cant deal with explaining the incident, it was a physical attack, I have no lasting injuries from it, however, my mind feels so broken.

I feel like im a whole new person, a person I just do not recognise with problems I never understood or expected to face.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Have you been diagnosed with anything? It kind of sounds like BDD, which can be a ***** to overcome. Are you seeing anyone to help you work through your thoughts, like a therapist?

Honestly, the only way you are going to get better is for you to accept everything about your life. Your appearance, your past, your...well, just everything. Easier said than done and sometimes even if you think you have, you really haven't.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD and BDD, I see a talking therapist but it's not helping the stutter/shaky voice and how I feel about myself. I think you are so correct, it feels like the acceptance is the hardest part, and the part im missing, I guess I never believed this could happen to me, and now it has... and I almost cant process it. I cant process feeling like the hideous monster and shadow of who I once was.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I have been diagnosed with PTSD and BDD, I see a talking therapist but it's not helping the stutter/shaky voice and how I feel about myself. I think you are so correct, it feels like the acceptance is the hardest part, and the part im missing, I guess I never believed this could happen to me, and now it has... and I almost cant process it. I cant process feeling like the hideous monster and shadow of who I once was.

I can't give any advice on the PTSD, as I don't have that, but I do have BDD. One thing I can recommend is to not go by your own opinions of yourself. You can't judge yourself realistically because of the BDD. Go by other opinions. People who care about you and also just random people. You can usually tell how people judge your looks based on how they look at you.

For example, I don't think I'm ugly anymore, but I also don't think I'm anything special. Personally, I would say I'm average on good days and below average on bad days. I have a few friends that I go to when I need an honest opinion about how I look, whether it's a picture or just in real life. They tell me the honest truth. Sometimes they like it, sometimes they don't, but I always trust them to tell me the truth and I have learned to trust them about it.

As for the therapist....how long have you been seeing them? Not every therapist will be a good fit for you, so if it's been more than 3-6 months, maybe consider trying a different therapist. My son has different issues, but he's had at least a dozen (likely more) therapists because sometimes they just don't help him with his issues for whatever reason. They aren't bad therapists, they just aren't a good fit for him.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

You know what I am gonna try that, I am just gonna throw caution to the wind and start trying to build up some opinions to fall back on. Sometimes I feel too ugly to go outside, like I feel bad that people have to see me... like it's just overwhelming.

Thats good, I feel like everyone feels like I've been through a lot so they won't be honest with me, they just wanna boost my self-esteem but I guess it doesn't really work like that. I'm currently on my 3rd therapist, but this one seems to be a little better than the others I'd say, I had a male prior and that wasn't a good fit for me, but I have a woman now which is a lot better for me I'd say.

 

[Finished]

Welcome to the site. I usually joke around and attempt to say something funny. But, this time I think it's best just to wish you well. Good Luck.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Welcome to the site. I usually joke around and attempt to say something funny. But, this time I think it's best just to wish you well. Good Luck.

Awh.. Now I feel like I'm missing out on a good joke, but thanks for taking the time to welcome me, means a lot.

 

[Finished]

^ Well, I was thinking of saying something unappropriate like, I'll be on the next airplane to see you, just send me some photos of yourself first. Ha! ha!

 

[CenotaphGirl]

^ Well, I was thinking of saying something unappropriate like, I'll be on the next airplane to see you, just send me some photos of yourself first. Ha! ha!

Lolz yikes wasn't expecting that, but you have to tell me... do you ever experience low self-esteem? You seem super confident.

 

[Finished]

^ Well, I think everybody thinks I'm ugly. I've tried everything over the years to figure out if I am or not. Originally I didn't think so. But, all the indicators have pointed to yes, I'm ugly. The best compliment I have gotten from somebody else is that I'm not that bad looking. I was told, very honestly, by a past girlfriend while we were together, that she was with me for who I can become, not how I look. At first I thought that was great until she follow it up with I'm not good looking. This was a woman that was supposidely in love with me so she was looking through rose colored glasses. That was a real kick to my self esteem.

So, to answer your question, I have very low self esteem in personal situations. If I distance myself from personal situations then I regain my confidence. So, it's safer for me to not get involved in personal situations at all. In professional situations I'm very confident though because it's about my work not about how I look.

But, your work is based on your looks so that's a double whammy.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

^ Well, I think everybody thinks I'm ugly. I've tried everything over the years to figure out if I am or not. Originally I didn't think so. But, all the indicators have pointed to yes, I'm ugly. The best compliment I have gotten from somebody else is that I'm not that bad looking. I was told, very honestly, by a past girlfriend while we were together, that she was with me for who I can become, not how I look. At first I thought that was great until she follow it up with I'm not good looking. This was a woman that was supposidely in love with me so she was looking through rose colored glasses. That was a real kick to my self esteem.

So, to answer your question, I have very low self esteem in personal situations. If I distance myself from personal situations then I regain my confidence. So, it's safer for me to not get involved in personal situations at all. In professional situations I'm very confident though because it's about my work not about how I look.

But, your work is based on your looks so that's a double whammy.

Awh I'm sorry thats awful!! I can see why that impacted on your self esteem. Sometimes, backhanded compliments hurt the most, like "I love you so much I don't care about your looks", can cut deep. Wow, never thought about it until you mentioned it, but I feel similar to you in someways in the sense of regaining some confidence at work because I stepped out of modelling and acting, now I work with children, well I act but more like a magical princess and different characters, it's just less judgemental. Sometimes, I just get lost in the role.

 

[Finished]

^ In order to get through required forced personal interactions I would create characters in my mind and pretend to be them. That way other people would just see me as another average person. But, I would be terrified inside, nervously sweating in the cold rooms with jackets on to hide the sweating, the works. At first my voice quivered and I physically shook. I became very aware of this and noticed others looking at me. But, I also noticed others doing the same thing. I wasn't alone.

I forced myself to calm down and imagine being in a place without people. Over time, people came up to me and said things like, you sure seem laid back in the meetings. If they only knew the truth. In the end, I could pass off as a normal person. But, the stress of doing all of that took a nasty toll on me. Now I just stay away from everybody and I don't have to worry about that stuff any more. That's actually kind of why the joke I made above is so funny to me. There's no way in hell I could deal with all the people neccesary to get on a plane to come see anybody.

 

[Sunless Sky]

I'm sorry, can I ask how long you have suffered with this?

It seems so unbeatable to me at the moment.

I almost cant deal with explaining the incident, it was a physical attack, I have no lasting injuries from it, however, my mind feels so broken.

I feel like im a whole new person, a person I just do not recognise with problems I never understood or expected to face.

I have had self esteem issues ever since I turned 13. Before that, I was a very confident kid. That's actually one thing my therapist says I need. To get in touch with my inner child. She says that's the key to my self esteem issues. I overthink, overanalyse, second guess, and catastrophize. Those are my unhealthy thinking patterns.

A close friend of mine has PTSD (CPTSD to be specific) and she is still struggling to find an effective way to cope. What she does now is attempting to keep her mind busy at all times. She joggs a lot and says that has helped her a lot. Maybe that can help you?

For me, I started to go to the gym about two years ago and that has given my self esteem a much needed boost.

I know you struggle with going outside at all so you can start with some home workouts.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

^ In order to get through required forced personal interactions I would create characters in my mind and pretend to be them. That way other people would just see me as another average person. But, I would be terrified inside, nervously sweating in the cold rooms with jackets on to hide the sweating, the works. At first my voice quivered and I physically shook. I became very aware of this and noticed others looking at me. But, I also noticed others doing the same thing. I wasn't alone.

I forced myself to calm down and imagine being in a place without people. Over time, people came up to me and said things like, you sure seem laid back in the meetings. If they only knew the truth. In the end, I could pass off as a normal person. But, the stress of doing all of that took a nasty toll on me. Now I just stay away from everybody and I don't have to worry about that stuff any more. That's actually kind of why the joke I made above is so funny to me. There's no way in hell I could deal with all the people neccesary to get on a plane to come see anybody.

Omg!! Yes, no I totally see myself in this, and the reason why I always slip back to part-time working, because pretending full time just exhausts me, my voice shaking, and being so scared and soft spoken is the worst part of the whole thing for me, on public transport like trains and buses I literally sweat and pass out, so I cant use them, but I can fly.. isn't that strange?

And awh.. well knowing that, I would have a mega confidence boost knowing you'd travel all that way for little me lolz.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I have had self esteem issues ever since I turned 13. Before that, I was a very confident kid. That's actually one thing my therapist says I need. To get in touch with my inner child. She says that's the key to my self esteem issues. I overthink, overanalyse, second guess, and catastrophize. Those are my unhealthy thinking patterns.

A close friend of mine has PTSD (CPTSD to be specific) and she is still struggling to find an effective way to cope. What she does now is attempting to keep her mind busy at all times. She joggs a lot and says that has helped her a lot. Maybe that can help you?

For me, I started to go to the gym about two years ago and that has given my self esteem a much needed boost.

I know you struggle with going outside at all so you can start with some home workouts

Omg, 13! thats a long time, early adolescence, was it puberty that messed with your self-esteem? Yeah I jog 4 mornings a week, I used to struggle with going outside, but not anymore thank god, I am living life now, but just still not as the real me... as this new me, thats just an insecure mess.

 

[Finished]

Well, I could come get you and we can hide in my house here together. You wouldn't have to work................. Ha! ha!

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Well, I could come get you and we can hide in my house here together. You wouldn't have to work................. Ha! ha!

Lolz shhh you might let the feminists hear! I am supposed to be a strong independent woman you know?

 

[Sunless Sky]

Omg, 13! thats a long time, early adolescence, was it puberty that messed with your self-esteem? Yeah I jog 4 mornings a week, I used to struggle with going outside, but not anymore thank god, I am living life now, but just still not as the real me... as this new me, thats just an insecure mess.

Puberty and my upbringing among other factors messed me up.

Can you describe your insecurity? It doesnt sound like it stems from your looks. Does it come from the stuttering and being soft spoken?

That's great you are getting your body moving.