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CenotaphGirl

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My partner has decided he would prefer if we had a party for his daughter without the mother present. As his partner I support his decision but I dont know how bad it is… if its the wrong thing to do… I called her and inbetween the cursing at me she made a point that stuck with me about “punishing the wrong person”.

A part of me feels like shes uninvited due to their previous affair or roll about behind my back more than for his daughters best interest…

Is it okay to just have seperate events for your childs birthday without the other partner being there? She always celebrated her birthday with me seperately, but we took her for icecream or something small never held a massive party/bbq for her.

Any opinions?
 
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Lady Grey

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I don't think separate events are in the child's best interest in my heart of hearts. It is the child's birthday; she should not have to feel the absence of a parent. My sister and her X-husband are not even on speaking terms, yet they manage to put their differences aside, and both attend birthdays.
 

CenotaphGirl

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I don't think separate events are in the child's best interest in my heart of hearts. It is the child's birthday; she should not have to feel the absence of a parent. My sister and her X-husband are not even on speaking terms, yet they manage to put their differences aside, and both attend birthdays.
This is so interesting as like we usualy take her to get icecream just me and my fella and her mum usually throws her a party but due to the pandemic I really wanted to throw her a massive party and organise it, I was planning to hire a beautiful venu and videographers so she can have amazing memories.

Because I am planning something massive the mum dosent wanna throw her a party as its too much. I dont see why just once we cant host a party and she can do the icecream trip? Is that unreasonable?
 

TheRealCallie

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Since my ex and I split, they actually get three birthday cakes. I don't do parties, so that's more their father's thing. But yeah, they get a cake from me, they get a cake from him and they get a cake from my family.
It's honestly pretty typical to have separate events and perfectly okay, in my opinion.
I mean it's nice if both parents are there, but not required. Maybe he thinks it would be awkward or cause drama?
 

CenotaphGirl

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Since my ex and I split, they actually get three birthday cakes. I don't do parties, so that's more their father's thing. But yeah, they get a cake from me, they get a cake from him and they get a cake from my family.
It's honestly pretty typical to have separate events and perfectly okay, in my opinion.
I mean it's nice if both parents are there, but not required. Maybe he thinks it would be awkward or cause drama?
She has just been unreasonable at every turn lately no idea what her issue is with me. My fella has been petty, I feel unable to tell them to calm down but he purposely posted a provoking picture of me on his snap story or something that I knew nothing about and she felt disrespected, all the drama has made it so hard to co parent its like we are coparenting with a total nutter.
 

TheRealCallie

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She has just been unreasonable at every turn lately no idea what her issue is with me. My fella has been petty, I feel unable to tell them to calm down but he purposely posted a provoking picture of me on his snap story or something that I knew nothing about and she felt disrespected, all the drama has made it so hard to co parent its like we are coparenting with a total nutter.
If she's been acting like that, I would say it's probably best for her not to be there. Maybe allow mom to have her after the party?
 

CenotaphGirl

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If she's been acting like that, I would say it's probably best for her not to be there. Maybe allow mom to have her after the party?
Yeah just seems unfair to ruin it, mum would have her back next day but if she wanted her back that afternoon im sure it wouldnt be a huge deal, maybe thats a compromise
 

Nicolelt

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My partner has decided he would prefer if we had a party for his daughter without the mother present. As his partner I support his decision but I dont know how bad it is… if its the wrong thing to do… I called her and inbetween the cursing at me she made a point that stuck with me about “punishing the wrong person”.

A part of me feels like shes uninvited due to their previous affair or roll about behind my back more than for his daughters best interest…

Is it okay to just have seperate events for your childs birthday without the other partner being there? She always celebrated her birthday with me seperately, but we took her for icecream or something small never held a massive party/bbq for her.

Any opinions?
It is very common for split up parents to have separate events. Make it for the kid, not the relationship between the parents. Don't ruin the kid's time with adult drama.
 

CenotaphGirl

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It is very common for split up parents to have separate events. Make it for the kid, not the relationship between the parents. Don't ruin the kid's time with adult drama.
Yeah I mean I think the whole thing is a mess because lines have been crossed feelings have been hurt, everything is taken as a dig at this point, maybe separate events is just the best plan of action they are both so much older than me and biological parents so I always second guess what I want to suggest incase im making a mistake
 

Lady Grey

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Knowing more facts, I don't think you are being unreasonable. Sorry adults can't get along. In addition, sorry for the stress this is causing you.
 

NoxApex(N/A)

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Separate birthdays make more sense in the infantile years of a child, but once they develop cognition and can can correlate their reality enough to start asking questions, that's when things can get rocky...

To a young and innocent child, separate birthdays just equals more presents. They aren't able to deduce that would happen regardless.

But as they get older, eventually their brain will evolve and develop cognitive sentience which will be the beginning of them trying to shape themselves as an individual regardless of parental advisory, which typically happens between the ages of 9 - 12, in that weird "grey area" period and by the time the kid hits 14, usually they're cognitive enough to develop early presets of deductive reasoning, meaning that by the early teenage years, basically parental figures can't bullshit their kids anymore.

For as real of an experience as that is for MOST people these days, it's still a taboo in both medicine and child psychology. There's no text book that has that printed in it yet...

I'm speaking entirely from what I've seen through personal experience.
My first girlfriend and I are still platonic friends, over the years she's sort of lost control of her daughter who is her first child and she can't find out why. Her daughter is 14 now, and well, THIS is why, at least by proper analysis.

What you will get in text books instead is a surge of excuses relating to hormonal changes in a child, which while that does have "some" merit, that's not the bigger picture. The bigger picture is that the kid is coming into their own sentience, and becoming their own person with their own thoughts, feelings, dreams, correlations, and so on...
 

CenotaphGirl

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Separate birthdays make more sense in the infantile years of a child, but once they develop cognition and can can correlate their reality enough to start asking questions, that's when things can get rocky...

To a young and innocent child, separate birthdays just equals more presents. They aren't able to deduce that would happen regardless.

But as they get older, eventually their brain will evolve and develop cognitive sentience which will be the beginning of them trying to shape themselves as an individual regardless of parental advisory, which typically happens between the ages of 9 - 12, in that weird "grey area" period and by the time the kid hits 14, usually they're cognitive enough to develop early presets of deductive reasoning, meaning that by the early teenage years, basically parental figures can't bullshit their kids anymore.

For as real of an experience as that is for MOST people these days, it's still a taboo in both medicine and child psychology. There's no text book that has that printed in it yet...

I'm speaking entirely from what I've seen through personal experience.
My first girlfriend and I are still platonic friends, over the years she's sort of lost control of her daughter who is her first child and she can't find out why. Her daughter is 14 now, and well, THIS is why, at least by proper analysis.

What you will get in text books instead is a surge of excuses relating to hormonal changes in a child, which while that does have "some" merit, that's not the bigger picture. The bigger picture is that the kid is coming into their own sentience, and becoming their own person with their own thoughts, feelings, dreams, correlations, and so on...
Its sooo interesting I just wanna do whats right for the little one and well everyone even… the witch 😅 I just wanna know shes not gonna feel let down not having the main people in her life at her birthday, i want to ask but i feel like its not my place in some ways
 

NoxApex(N/A)

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Its sooo interesting I just wanna do whats right for the little one and well everyone even… the witch 😅 I just wanna know shes not gonna feel let down not having the main people in her life at her birthday, i want to ask but i feel like its not my place in some ways

Honestly, I think parental figures should be able to put their egos aside and do what needs to be done for the whole of the best of the child's interest in trying to preserve a child's innocence at least until they reach the age of adolescence in which they begin to develop their own cognition. If she can't do that, than she probably wasn't mature enough to accept the responsibilities and labors of parenthood to begin with and shouldn't have chosen to have a child, which is more of a common occurrence than I'd like to admit that I see. MOST kids are the result of unwanted pregnancies despite what their parents tell them, I am one of such kids.
 

CenotaphGirl

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Honestly, I think parental figures should be able to put their egos aside and do what needs to be done for the whole of the best of the child's interest in trying to preserve a child's innocence at least until they reach the age of adolescence in which they begin to develop their own cognition. If she can't do that, than she probably wasn't mature enough to accept the responsibilities and labors of parenthood to begin with and shouldn't have chosen to have a child, which is more of a common occurrence than I'd like to admit that I see. MOST kids are the result of unwanted pregnancies despite what their parents tell them, I am one of such kids.
Like its always worked that little one has celebrated her birthday separately with me and my fella, however she would have a party with her mum and friends, I just wanted to do the party this year. But because im throwing a party the mum wants to attend that and no do anything separately. My fella thinks shes just trying to you know… cause drama because me and him throwing a party kinda makes it look like we are the parents and idk shes just not keen
 

NoxApex(N/A)

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Like its always worked that little one has celebrated her birthday separately with me and my fella, however she would have a party with her mum and friends, I just wanted to do the party this year. But because im throwing a party the mum wants to attend that and no do anything separately. My fella thinks shes just trying to you know… cause drama because me and him throwing a party kinda makes it look like we are the parents and idk shes just not keen

Depends upon the age of the kid.
My ex's daughter developed cognitive awareness between 7 and 9 and my ex, never picked up on it...
It's neither my kid, nor my relationship, she's just a platonic friend to me these days...but also, because it's her daughter, she's hyper-critical of anybody that tries to tell her any different, so it's a touchy subject...
Over time that gap sadly got wider and wider.
Her daughter is 14 now, and she's finally breaking under the realization of "I don't know my child."
Well yeah, you don't.
You don't know your child because you refused to accept the reality that a child will eventually evolve into being their own cognitive, sentient human being.
🤷‍♂️😐
Her daughter loves the shit out of me, but I keep my distance, because I don't want to add to the conundrum, you know?
She's always just told her kids that I'm like an uncle.
Even though I'm her first love, which are her words, not mine.
How she ended up hung up on a 2 month relationship from 17 years ago, I have no idea. That's totally over my head. I bulk count it as just that she got pregnant at 17 with the next guy she ended up with after me.
And I can't hate on the man now, he's actually a good father, he takes care of his daughter, made his life about his daughter even though they don't have a relationship anymore. He provides enough that she doesn't put him on child support, but also he's with another woman and has another life of his own as well, so...🤷‍♂️
 

CenotaphGirl

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Depends upon the age of the kid.
My ex's daughter developed cognitive awareness between 7 and 9 and my ex, never picked up on it...
It's neither my kid, nor my relationship, she's just a platonic friend to me these days...but also, because it's her daughter, she's hyper-critical of anybody that tries to tell her any different, so it's a touchy subject...
Over time that gap sadly got wider and wider.
Her daughter is 14 now, and she's finally breaking under the realization of "I don't know my child."
Well yeah, you don't.
You don't know your child because you refused to accept the reality that a child will eventually evolve into being their own cognitive, sentient human being.
🤷‍♂️😐
Her daughter loves the shit out of me, but I keep my distance, because I don't want to add to the conundrum, you know?
She's always just told her kids that I'm like an uncle.
Even though I'm her first love, which are her words, not mine.
How she ended up hung up on a 2 month relationship from 17 years ago, I have no idea. That's totally over my head. I bulk count it as just that she got pregnant at 17 with the next guy she ended up with after me.
And I can't hate on the man now, he's actually a good father, he takes care of his daughter, made his life about his daughter even though they don't have a relationship anymore. He provides enough that she doesn't put him on child support, but also he's with another woman and has another life of his own as well, so...🤷‍♂️
Its so scary to be a parent, my biggest dream but my biggest fear is to get it wrong. I’d want my child to enjoy their special day with whoever they wanted to, even if that wasnt me. So if she was mine biologically I’d ask her shes old enough to say. Party at mummys or Party with daddy and me? And you can go to ice cream with mummy the next day. im sure she’d be happy.. and feel like her voice was listened to. But im into gentle parenting and you know lol
 

NoxApex(N/A)

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Its so scary to be a parent, my biggest dream but my biggest fear is to get it wrong. I’d want my child to enjoy their special day with whoever they wanted to, even if that wasnt me. So if she was mine biologically I’d ask her shes old enough to say. Party at mummys or Party with daddy and me? And you can go to ice cream with mummy the next day. im sure she’d be happy.. and feel like her voice was listened to. But im into gentle parenting and you know lol

That's why I'm telling you this in the first place. :);)
This is me actually caring and trying to help give you some future insight from my age and experience. :)
 

CenotaphGirl

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That's why I'm telling you this in the first place. :);)
This is me actually caring and trying to help give you some future insight from my age and experience. :)
Teach me! I deffo wanna know it is a hard job though being a parent I always second guess myself and feel afraid to say much as its so scary to not really know but have to make decisions for someone.
 

NoxApex(N/A)

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Teach me! I deffo wanna know it is a hard job though being a parent I always second guess myself and feel afraid to say much as its so scary to not really know but have to make decisions for someone.

It's in the numbers, and it's only a relativity, but the numbers aren't academically acknowledged because humans aren't machines and can't be exact measurements as such. BUT if you consider the effects of what Neuroscience and Brain Chemistry has on the body especially within the developmental years, then it all makes sense. It's just a highly taboo academic subject of study. Nobody wants another Sigmund Freud for pretty obvious reasons, but also you can't entirely write Freud off as not having any merit at all, either. Hence why it's a skeptical grey area.

Freudian jokes are however, the greatest.
"Yo momma."
- Sigmund Freud
😂

Even though that obviously isn't the origin of the joke, it sticks per principle.

For that matter, Yung is also as equally wishy-washy and equally as controversial for totally different reasons but is most often compared to Freud purely because of controversial factors, but in all actuality: It's apples and oranges of a difference. Yung and Freud had absolutely nothing in common in regards to their approach to the human psyche, they just both talked about and referred to the human psyche in grey-areas of vagueness and some people misconstrued X with Y and that's how that unintentional correlation eventually happened.
 

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