Spouse not pulling their weight anymore

[Clark8]

Hi

My spouse retired 18 months ago from a 20 year job. Got surgery which prevents her to stand for too
Long. Married 3 decades. She is my wife and my best friend.
I would never divorce her unless if she cheated.
I know her she isn’t. She has always hated cheaters and gets totally aggravated when she hears about one, male or female.
She has always been a very hard working person, at work or at home.
She is the voice of reason, I m better on finances.
Her small disability checks ends soon and here is my concern, she is not looking or wants to talk about a job.
She can work seated, was open to driving a school bus.
I work 55 hours with at times excruciating back pain. Did 1 MRI, x-rays and physical therapy, nothing helps. Still working on it with doc. I still soldier on in my mid 50’s.
I am always exhausted and stressed out which is not good.
My wife talks only about going out for dinner or doing take out, going on vacation, having a good time drinking in the pool and she looks for sex ( With me) when I don’t look for it first ( Meaning all the good sides of life and I doubt she cheats coz even in our mid 50’s we both initiate sex often with each other’s.)
I feel like I m being taken advantage of. I m thinking about dropping the 15 OT hours I work weekly, to make it more fair. Big loss of income but whatever.
I always have to call her 50 times from work to have her call the insurance company or satellite company or whoever for life issues. cause I m at work and she is home. I can’t drop work and do all this.
She forgets half of stuff she has to do.
For 2 years I have told her to schedule her colonoscopy, it’s free, nope nothing going “ Ok I will” and nothing happens.
I called last week on my 30mn lunch break and scheduled her.
She is severely overweight, she should at least drop 50lbs then some more. I am overweight too but maybe 25lbs which I lose fast when dieting.
I m afraid she is going to die young, she takes meds for high blood pressure, high cholesterol and her heart which has an irregular heartbeat.
I tell her politely to drop some weight that she will feel so much better. She diets for 3 days then huge burger with fries or pizza.
She is a good woman but I would like anyone to tell me why she isn’t even remotely interested in looking for work when she will feel better and her disability checks will stop.
Always an excuse, I can’t stand for long, I don’t like answering the phone, my hands get tired quickly from typing, my car takes too much gas to do Uber( indeed she drives a big truck but I drive a tiny Corolla, why not ask me to switch? She drives the Corolla sometimes to save on gas when she has to go far, so why not offer me to do Uber with my Toyota?

Please please please someone explains me what is going on and what can I do for her to somewhat get back with the program.
I don’t care if I have to take care of her for the rest of my life but I would like her to show some guilt if she cannot work, to tell me that she heard about whatever job that she might be able to do, to show she cares.
But no, total avoidance, I ask and then 30mn later ask me if we can do takeout again, or that she looked all day online about our trip to Europe ( Yes going to Europe, not rich but got to go on vacation once a year).
I love this woman and she loves me too and I want her back

Thanks so much

 

[Finished]

First off, Welcome to the forum!!!!

It kind of sounds like you are enabling her to not pull her weight. It must be exhausting for her though since she has so much weight to pull. If you make it easy for her to do nothing then that's what she will do. She isn't doing it to spite you but instead fell into a trap. If at all possible she should get into see a counselor that will set some real goals for her to achieve. After she starts achieving some of the goals she'll feel better about her self and regain her motivation.

If you don't get her outside help and continue to badger her she'll just continue to ignore you and eventually she will no longer like you. You need to make someone else the "bad guy." Your job is to love and support her. Realize though that does not mean letting her become lazy and depressed. That is not helping her.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Maybe she's scared, maybe she's depressed, maybe she's anxious. None of us can know the reason why she hasn't gotten a job. You will be the best person to find out the real reason. Have a heart to heart with her and tell her how you feel. Don't go at her with an accusatory attitude, just talk to her.
Perhaps she could find a job that she can do at home if she is anxious about going out there again.

As for the weight issue, she has to want to do that for herself and no amount of pressure from you will make her do it if she doesn't want to. Maybe find fun ways to exercise together or just start eating healthier....baked instead of fried and that kind of thing. A pizza or a burger and fries doesn't have to be terribly unhealthy. It's all in how it's made.

 

[Forgottendanfan]

Welcome to the forum. Sounds like you need to sit down and have a serious discussion with your wife, instead of asking a bunch of strangers on the internet to help you.

 

[theablekingathelstan]

Hi

My spouse retired 18 months ago from a 20 year job. Got surgery which prevents her to stand for too
Long. Married 3 decades. She is my wife and my best friend.
I would never divorce her unless if she cheated.
I know her she isn’t. She has always hated cheaters and gets totally aggravated when she hears about one, male or female.
She has always been a very hard working person, at work or at home.
She is the voice of reason, I m better on finances.
Her small disability checks ends soon and here is my concern, she is not looking or wants to talk about a job.
She can work seated, was open to driving a school bus.
I work 55 hours with at times excruciating back pain. Did 1 MRI, x-rays and physical therapy, nothing helps. Still working on it with doc. I still soldier on in my mid 50’s.
I am always exhausted and stressed out which is not good.
My wife talks only about going out for dinner or doing take out, going on vacation, having a good time drinking in the pool and she looks for sex ( With me) when I don’t look for it first ( Meaning all the good sides of life and I doubt she cheats coz even in our mid 50’s we both initiate sex often with each other’s.)
I feel like I m being taken advantage of. I m thinking about dropping the 15 OT hours I work weekly, to make it more fair. Big loss of income but whatever.
I always have to call her 50 times from work to have her call the insurance company or satellite company or whoever for life issues. cause I m at work and she is home. I can’t drop work and do all this.
She forgets half of stuff she has to do.
For 2 years I have told her to schedule her colonoscopy, it’s free, nope nothing going “ Ok I will” and nothing happens.
I called last week on my 30mn lunch break and scheduled her.
She is severely overweight, she should at least drop 50lbs then some more. I am overweight too but maybe 25lbs which I lose fast when dieting.
I m afraid she is going to die young, she takes meds for high blood pressure, high cholesterol and her heart which has an irregular heartbeat.
I tell her politely to drop some weight that she will feel so much better. She diets for 3 days then huge burger with fries or pizza.
She is a good woman but I would like anyone to tell me why she isn’t even remotely interested in looking for work when she will feel better and her disability checks will stop.
Always an excuse, I can’t stand for long, I don’t like answering the phone, my hands get tired quickly from typing, my car takes too much gas to do Uber( indeed she drives a big truck but I drive a tiny Corolla, why not ask me to switch? She drives the Corolla sometimes to save on gas when she has to go far, so why not offer me to do Uber with my Toyota?

Please please please someone explains me what is going on and what can I do for her to somewhat get back with the program.
I don’t care if I have to take care of her for the rest of my life but I would like her to show some guilt if she cannot work, to tell me that she heard about whatever job that she might be able to do, to show she cares.
But no, total avoidance, I ask and then 30mn later ask me if we can do takeout again, or that she looked all day online about our trip to Europe ( Yes going to Europe, not rich but got to go on vacation once a year).
I love this woman and she loves me too and I want her back

Thanks so much

Hi there,


It seems both of you have problems. I think you need to sit down and discuss this.
I don't shie she is helping herself by being obese and eating bad foods and not helping around the house, but then she seems sick herself.
And you have health matters too but are not being eased either.
Do you have any friends or family who could impartially help you come to a resolution? Or do you have any children?

 

[LostintheBardo]

You say that she is a "good woman" but I can't see much of anything in your description of her that makes her come across that way. If she refuses to lose weight when you are willing to put your health and self esteem first by losing weight then she really isn't giving you her best whilst it sounds like you provide for her.