Still bothered by humiliating experiences in school decades later

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ardour

Well known loser
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I'm in my 40s and still think about this daily. Bullying is misleading as it rarely got physical - more continual rejection, mocking and frequent humiliations over having "no mates" and generally not being liked.

I don't hate those people, as bad as some of them were. I hate myself. I want to punch that idiot in the face. Being needy with bad social skills was asking for it at a NZ secondary school in the '90s.

In the final 2 years I forced myself into a group of less popular individuals, but this was nothing like a nerdy group of friends who have each other's backs, as portrayed in the media. We had nothing much in common. I was tolerated.

Because of these experiences nothing seems real now or counts for much. There's few opportunities to prove to myself that I've changed, and the politeness of older adults seems fake. Teens or early twenty somethings might be obnoxious but at least there's honesty there. That felt like reality, this doesn't.
 
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My advice would be just learn to let go of the past. Accept whatever happened because it's over and you can't go back in time to change it.

Now is the time and there are many things you could be. Exercise helps, spending some time alone with nature, connecting with real people with real conversations instead of cheap places like the clubs can be good. Personally I took dancing as a hobby not to look good or impress others but to express myself and be fit.
 
I understand what you are feeling. I can't offer any substantial advice because our past does shape us. I can only show empathy. My coping is to get involved with a hobby that I no longer think of in the past.
 
I think you are strong and i’d argue you wanna punch that amazing boy who overcame so much because thats the damage it left on you. Thats the real tragedy, the impact on your value you hold on yourself.

Im sorry to read this Ardour, you deserved better, maybe teach others how to feel about you by working on how you feel about yourself, thats what I did… Ppl say ego this narcissist that but you know… where were those people when I was suicidal and skin and bone with eating disorders …? No where…. They only came out when I started to say, im bloody beautiful inside and out and I deserve more from life. People will never value you, like you want to be if you dont demand it… from my experience.
 
It doesn't have to be physical to be classed as bullying, what you describe fits the the description of bullying to a T.

What's important to remember here is the question of why a bully does what they do. In my experience, the worst bullies are those who are the most insecure and they go on the offensive as a means of defence. There isn't really any sane reason for bullying, you could be green with three arms and there would still be no need for it. The blame for what a bully does lies on them, the person they are bullying is usually completely inoffensive and quiet and actually the kind of person that the world needs more of. More Geldoffs than Putins please. Geldoffs was a scruffy Irish kid who dreamt big, Putin is a bully who thinks he's the best thing ever. Who does the world prefer?
 
I have always said I would take physical bullying over the mental variety. Bruises/broken bones heal a hell of a lot easier/quickly than being messed with mentally.

As hard as it is, you need to find a way to stop dwelling on the past. I know I've told you that before, but it's true and it's the only way you will be able to stop living in the past and start living your life..start being happy with who you are. You can get there, you just have to ask yourself how much you want it.
 
I can completely relate. I spent a huge chunk of my middle school years—Grade 7 through 9—basically hanging out at the local mall in order to get away from my tormentors. Like you, I wasn't physically bullied, but mentally - I was that weird, quiet kid who always wore dresses, was a good student and shy as anything - perfect for being picked on. Some things don't change - 40 years later and I'm STILL that weird, quiet kid who always wears dresses. . . (although maybe not quite as shy - and I've learned not to take honeysuckle from people). And, 40 years later I still struggle at times with a deep-seated lack of confidence in myself - something in part I put down to all those years spent listening to my ******* classmates. I truly understand how haunting those words and experiences can be. . .

A while back, I was invited to join a Facebook group for alumni of my old middle school. Despite my absolute horrid experiences there, I decided to join. It was a bit of a revelation for me to learn of the struggles many of us experienced while at that school - maybe not to the extent that I did, but it seems a LOT of us struggled at that age - to know who we were, to fit in, to find our groups, with peer pressure and with how to treat our peers. I was honest in my experiences at that school and you wouldn't believe the wonderful messages I got back in return - sincere, heartfelt apologies from people that I've hated vehemently all these years. Anyway, the whole experience was eye-opening and cathartic.

I guess my reason behind this story is that people change - none of us are the same people we were at 10 or 14 or 18. I guarantee you that if the people you've despised all these years were given the chance to go back to childhood and change the way they acted towards you, they would. Time gives us perspective on life.

I know it's easy to say you've got to just focus on the here-and-now, but it's true. Don't let those painful past experiences haunt you because then you're just giving in to those long-ago voices. Concentrate on the you that's here now.

Hugs, keep smiling. :)
 
Bruises/broken bones heal a hell of a lot easier/quickly than being messed with mentally.
THIS !!!!!

Life has led me to the understanding that compassion is an underrated trait. We give status to rich, to intelligent, to famous, to athletecism.

But the real thing that shows you are emotionally healthy is compassion. You know.... NOT bullying people. Compassion should be valued much more than it is.

People without compassion cannot have healthy relationships. They hurt people and they move on, with no thought to the devastation that they left behind, and go screw up other people's lives.

Imagine the person dating one of these ******** who treated you bad. This Ahole will mistreat his girlfriend. She will leave. He will hurt his kid bad, the kid will leave. This is so much dysfunction.

Ardour, you have more compassion than they do. You are much healthier than they are. Cause even with your hurt mentality, you are a way better human being than they are. I would rather have a million yous in my life than one of them.
 
Well, maybe you are choosing to relive those memories instead of dealing with them.

IMO, going to a therapist would definitely help you. Again IMO, you need to bring those experiences of the past and into the now and role play the scenarios as if they are happening in the present. Now that you are older and wiser, and with the help of a therapist, you can properly respond to those mean kids properly. Again IMO, you need to resolve those memories and feelings. You will never get past those experiences until you properly deal with them.

Maybe I'm full of honeysuckle or maybe I'm right. IMO, you should give it a try. I would be willing to bet your health care plan would allow you some free visits to a therapist or a psychologist. Explain to them exactly what you want and need help with. Don't just tell them you need help or feel bad. Direct them to deal exactly with what you want to resolve. Then they can better help you. It's better then continuing to stew over the past.
 
Letting go of the hurting that the past can still inflict on us is easier said than done. I'm two decades older than you, ardour and I've tried most of the suggestions people have made here. They can all help, but really I think it comes down to how we define who and what we are.....we'll never forget what we lived through, but if the ongoing present moment that we're choosing to live and make real is an effectively functioning, reasonably successful life, then those past humiliations should become less and less potent.....like a fading echo.
OK, I've still got a few demons that are biting my ass.....but it's better than it was.
 
I think it comes down to how we define who and what we are.....
This is….the ultimate truth in my opinion. I think how you define yourself matters so much. One of the crimes of bullying is it can crack your mirror… worse parts about you are magnified and the best parts are hidden between the cracks.
 
I had two short phases of being bullied (although 'bullied' may be a strong word here).... one was physically bullied in junior school, typical boy stuff... the second was for about a year, half way through high school, and it was by a boy, but he did the mental bullying and isolating, turning people against you type tactics that are often associated with girls.. The first example doesn't bother me one little bit, the second however, I have only in recent years come to realise the damage it did actually do to me. Ironically the boy who did the mental type bullying became my best friend for the last couple of years of high school... how does that work out..?
 
Nevermind


Teens or early twenty somethings might be obnoxious but at least there's honesty there. That felt like reality, this doesn't.
What type of responses did you want? I think most people wanted to try to honestly help you get over your past. Were you wanting people to be obnoxious with your post so you could feel bad about yourself?
 
What type of responses did you want? I think most people wanted to try to honestly help you get over your past. Were you wanting people to be obnoxious with your post so you could feel bad about yourself?
I ended up saying pretty much the same thing as in the OP so I removed it. Not trying to be rude to those who replied.

I could tell a few stories to really push home the point, or point out the fact that, despite most of these people not having changed much, they all seem to have thrived. Would I want to be them? Probably not, but at least they have lives. Is being decent all that commendable if you're also a coward? I can't get over that.
 
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There are so many things for me that can bring up the past and make me feel like id been stripped of things in life because those events. And thats totally acceptable.

For me it will come up if i look up these people on social media and can take me right back to memory lane and i feel the feels and also I compare and feel so inadequate and sometimes even sick to my stomach.
Sometimes ill even cry myself a few hours about it.

My point is that dont try to fight it, explore and go thru it ,but in a detached sort of way. Why does it come up all the time? Be honest and dig deep into your subconscious and work out how to make things right with you and your past, heal yourself from it and from the now of it.
 
For me it will come up if i look up these people on social media
I continue to do that on and off, although it feels stupid to let these people back into your head afresh like that.

One bad example ended up on a major Australian cooking show with his sister. If I'm feeling particularly masochistic I can look up episodes. There he is, talking down to other contestants with that same obnoxious attitude as if he's were some kind of god. Someone needs to take a bat to that face.
 
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I continue to do that on and off, although it feels stupid to let these people back into your head afresh like that.

One bad example ended up on a major Australian cooking show with his sister. If I'm feeling particularly masochistic I can look up episodes. There he is, talking down to other contestants with that same obnoxious attitude as if he's were some kind of god. Someone needs to take a bat to that face.
Hypothetical question from the girl who loves to ask questions… If you had the power to ruin their life as an adult..by like maybe stealing their partner, would ya do it?
 

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