Suicide

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It's still there not sure if the fight ever gets easier or goes away, recently it got very hard to ignore the temptation and give up the fight but still clinging on.
For me, after a certain age, I just sort of realized that I'm not going to kill myself. I know of serveral easy, quick, painless ways to die. I've come close to death several times. Without intervention I would not be her now. Then I slowly stopped thinking about it. Now, I know that I'm not going to do it.

Well, I most certainly will if I become permanently ill when I'm much older. I don't see the point in suffering and going through a slow dying process. But, I'm not there yet. So, maybe I'll prefer the suffering.
 

Colster

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OK, I've a question for my fellow pessimists. Do you ever come home either happy or satisfied, and think that today is a good day to die.

I would love to go. Honestly, I would end it all now, happily and content fully, other than my concerns about my dog.

People generally perceive the end as mystery or selfishness. For me, it's simply the end, nothing further.

Although, I'll not deny a deep routed frustration at myself, for not being selfish enough, to have put a dog before my own desires.

So tell me, does death occur in your realms only in desperation, or happiness too?
 

TogetherAlone

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To be honest I have no real answer to that because it really is a constant thing, type of day doesn't matter the thoughts are always there like sure a good day makes it easier to ignore but then maybe if I was like satisfied and had "yeah today was a good day I am happy and satisfied" kinda day the urge might increase because I'd then worry that a following day will ruin it or the happiness wont last. I think if I hit genuine contentment I would just be like "Ok yeah time to go"

Not sure if that makes sense or if it sounds weird/contradictory I am very tired xD
 

Colster

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I think about it a lot when I am happy. I'm not really aware whether it occurs more so then or during depressive periods. Just, the image of suicidal people is portrayed as desperate manic folk, on the edge, gripped by crippling circumstances. Whereas, I just feel done. I matter not. So just sail away, sleep forever. In my mind, it's nothing morose or malicious, I'm not seeing to punish anyone.
I'd actually quite like to get high, and just consume a ton of sedatives, or similar. Insulin is a good way too.
Honestly, I think maybe that these thoughts occur more when I am happier than sad. Perhaps rose tinted simplicity. Maybe more cognitive clarity.
 

TogetherAlone

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Reminds me of the ending to The Good Place tbh, not sure if you've seen it but contentness and just reaching that place where you know you've reached that point is kinda a theme
 

suman.1407

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First off, I want you guys to know I am not trying to bait for sympathy or people trying to be like "stop no don't do it" etc and just please don't call the authorities.

Every time I get depressed I think about suicide, like, a lot. Its not even a cohesive thought really, just more of these flashes of me doing it and going ahead with it. The thoughts have been growing stronger and stronger every time the depressions return, which in my case is often. I get deeply depressed it just hits me every few months, then I go in to a manic stage, then i'm ok again for some time and then the cycle starts all over again. Its hard for me to talk about, hard for me to post here, but I keep getting more comfortable with it. I keep getting more tired, and I just don't know anymore.

I'm just sick of it all, and the fear of living is starting to exceed my fear of death.
My dear friend you are stronger than you
think.
I understand why you have these sudden flashes of despair you have to fight it out . It’s not going to stop in a matter of days,It’s going to be difficult but you cannot let this negative energy define who you are,
I wish you the very best.
God bless you.
thanks
 

Melli12

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Yes this is what i used to normally do. Offline. Not anymore. The doctor in me tried to help others. They refused to listen. Do their own thing anyway. They prefer Xanax. I have zero credibility, zero reputation. What can i do. Being good to others only backfires hard. I don't do that anymore. Now i'm the one who needs "therapy" lol (you must've missed that comment). I'm not bad to others, i just stopped being good. Yes laughter is good but it doesn't resolve anything here for anyone. We're still alone, lonely, and many other things which i can only imagine. I myself do exactly what i advised to others in my circle. I exist without any dangerous medications. I deal with my problems and stressors.
Well, you don't need to resolve problems for others. That's their job to do. But your kindness does something to me and I am sure to others as well. That's, what I wanted to say.
 

U-122

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Well, you don't need to resolve problems for others. That's their job to do. But your kindness does something to me and I am sure to others as well. That's, what I wanted to say.

Unfortunately my kindness has no power anywhere. You're right. I don't need to do anything.
 

Zorananda

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I don't feel equally suicidal as usual when I am less lonely or have been happy. However, my life story imposes a necessary feeling of failure and loss of dignity that will never go away, so unless I was suddenly not lonely and significantly happier for a non-ending streak that also allowed me to recreate myself socially into something successful enough to offset the past and restore dignity, I will always know that I should "liberate" myself.

I think it's going to be difficult to get there, which is just another example of the cruelty of nature. I mean at least allow the losers to suicide w/o nervous apprehension. It might only be possible on impulse but I try to plan to ensure that if&when that impulse happens, it would be possible to succeed. To finally succeed at something. To finally succeed at something final is the only success for those who never have or will. There are things that exist in my mind that are good. They don't correspond to reality. And I never adapted to reality. I need to leave it.
 

Tryingtosurvive

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For a long time i've just wanted to be dead really and fail to wake up the next day. I haven't actively got the balls to do the actual deed, because i've got my parents/a sibling so it would completely destroy them..i think. Maybe i should mention that to my therapist, it's quite a big topic but due to being enraged by other issues i've missed that one out😅.
 

Zardozi

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The concept of suicide is something I have thought about a lot - it crosses my mind nearly every day and it's more intense during my bouts of depression. I have a hard time imagining myself actually going through with it, though. I don't necessarily want my life to end, but rather, I want my pain to end. Suicide is tempting, as a quick means of "cleaning the slate", especially if you live with a lot of regrets like I do. But then if I did end my life, I think about what I may potentially have missed out on. Something amazing could be right around the corner. I could meet my best friend tomorrow. There's been a couple of times where I've had a really great experience that I was never expecting, and I've stopped and thought to myself "I'm glad I am alive to experience that".

If I'm dead, I will never know what could have been. I suppose that keeps me going.
 

constant stranger

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The concept of suicide is something I have thought about a lot - it crosses my mind nearly every day and it's more intense during my bouts of depression. I have a hard time imagining myself actually going through with it, though. I don't necessarily want my life to end, but rather, I want my pain to end. Suicide is tempting, as a quick means of "cleaning the slate", especially if you live with a lot of regrets like I do. But then if I did end my life, I think about what I may potentially have missed out on. Something amazing could be right around the corner. I could meet my best friend tomorrow. There's been a couple of times where I've had a really great experience that I was never expecting, and I've stopped and thought to myself "I'm glad I am alive to experience that".

If I'm dead, I will never know what could have been. I suppose that keeps me going.

Ditto for me on almost all of what you're saying, Zardosi.
Unless my personal life changes a lot in terms of having some kind of companionship I'm going to get old and die alone. When I'm just too feeble to cope anymore with life's basic logistical demands like dressing myself or managing personal hygiene, I think I'll just make the final, deliberate exit.....in as tidy a fashion as possible.
 

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