Talking about shame

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Glowgirl

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Guys, I have an embarassing story to tell. I made a stuff up today at work, I was serving a difficult client this afternoon and right at the end I didn't know where to schedule him for, there was no supervisor around to ask and so I put his matter for the wrong date. I only realised this just at going home time. I'm embarassed because these kind of mistakes have been an ongoing thing for me at work. I'm in a job that's not a good match for me, but it's the job I'm stuck with. Since I got my diagnosis about 18 months ago I've been doing mindfulness exercises, writing notes in my bullet journal and reviewing them at home, but it still always feels that I'm playing catch up. I have a lot of issues with years of internalised shame. Sorry to vent, but online is really the best place for me to share these feelings. There's nowhere else.
 

Nicolelt

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I think everyone has a little bit of "remember that stupid thing you did 5 years ago..." in us. Journal about it, write down what you did, why you did it, how it affected you, and how it affected others. Reflect on that. Also, apologize. Talk to your supervisor, tell them you are sorry, you made a mistake. Call the customer, apologize and tell them you were mistaken. And remember, you have NO CONTROL over how they react to this situation. If they react poorly, which is where some of the "shame" anxiety comes from, that is on them.
 

Glowgirl

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I think everyone has a little bit of "remember that stupid thing you did 5 years ago..." in us. Journal about it, write down what you did, why you did it, how it affected you, and how it affected others. Reflect on that. Also, apologize. Talk to your supervisor, tell them you are sorry, you made a mistake. Call the customer, apologize and tell them you were mistaken. And remember, you have NO CONTROL over how they react to this situation. If they react poorly, which is where some of the "shame" anxiety comes from, that is on them.
Thank you Nicollet, this is such a useful reply.
 

Fragilegirl

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You obviously hold yourself to a very high standard. Just remember you’re a human being and everyone makes mistakes. We’re all doing the best we can and there is no shame in that. As I got older I learned how to forgive myself for not being perfect. And I started to realize that other people are going through the same thing as well. I agree that you should just call the client and admit there was an error. Apologize for the error. And if he reacts badly then shame on HIM. Good luck and try not to stress about it too much.
 

Yeti1980

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Ok, here's a reply that will hopefully reassure you like nothing else. Here goes...

I work in a surgical setting, many of the arrangements and decisions that get made are pretty damn important. Thing is, the people doing this work are human. Things get forgotten sometimes (eg. an instrument was asked for on that date, but the senior forgot to book it or whatever. End result, patient on table, no instrument.) These things are stressful and never popular. However, they are part and parcel of the job and people get over it (there's also often a way around the problem and things still go ahead).

Do not under any circumstances blame yourself for a mistake. If you set out wholeheartedly to do the best job possible and something still didn't go right or got missed, so be it. That's life. We were born imperfect and we stay that way.

If you never made a boo boo or you were always top notch, you'd be a robot.

I'm not saying forget a mistake, there's always lessons in things, but don't beat yourself up or expect yourself to never make mistakes.

As for shame, there are really very few things that good people will ever judge you for. If you have someone in your home, workplace etc who nitpicks and makes you feel bad, that's their problem not you.

Wishing you all the best.
 

Lady Grey

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Be brave and admit your mistake. Be kind and forgive yourself. Without self-forgiveness, you will continue to play the tape of what you said and did, which will only compound feelings of shame. You are human "shit happens" Good luck
 

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