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Corvax

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Thank you for your replies to my earlier post. It does help to know that I am not the only one with these issues.. that in itself can make one feel less alone. I'll always hang in there, but some days are harder than others. I work around the public, and I see dozens of young happy couples passing by me every day. I wonder sometimes how it feels knowing you have someone there to help each other through hard times and share the many good times.. someone to share your experiences with, someone to care that you exist.

Most of what I have been through, I have been through alone.. and that can eventually break a person. To lose what little you have that brings you joy in your life and be left with nothing is very traumatic. People react to this differently, but in a way I am lucky that I was already hardened from the years of being alone. Now, I feel little at all. My mood alternates from frustration to passiveness, but at least I no longer feel the suffocating depression that used to overwhelm me and keep me awake at night.

I know my heart, however, and I know that I'm just fooling myself. I am who I am, and I'll always be that overly nice guy who wants to feel appreciated and loved. That is what makes us human after all, the desire to know that you matter and that your life means something to someone.

I go from one distraction to another to keep my mind from dwelling on my situation, because I don't know how to change it. My problem isn't lack of confidence or anything, I am very self aware and I know my strengths and faults, but rather an extreme lack of social skills. The town I reside in is very small, very conservative, and I stand out like a sore thumb.. a black sheep if you will. Everyone knows me, but no one wants to get to know me. They see me from the outside, and assume the worst about me. On the rare occasions when someone actually does approach me, I am so shocked that I don't know how to react, and I ruin the oppertunity.

But anyway, thank you guys for reading this and if anyone needs anything at all, please feel free to send me a message. I may never find what I am looking for, but to know that I can make a difference in someone else's life is close enough to happiness for me. I can be a very good listener, and chances are I will understand where you are coming from. We never have to give up on life, for our experiences can only make us stronger.
 

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