The enemy of God.

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M_also_lonely

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This might sound silly, non-sense and irresponsible. I shouldn't be thinking this way. But I have been suffering from this for years now.

I cannot, "surrender" to God. I used to be a devotee and I used to indulge in worship everyday. But now, whenever I do so or try to do so, something terrible happens. The same day or the very next day. Whenever I let go of my guard and offer a prayer that is genuine, something bad happens.
Something so bad, that it makes me hate the idea of worshipping and God and religions.

I know this sounds totally silly. As a mature adult, I shouldn't be drawing false parallels but the 'terrible' things are really, really terrible and the desire to surrender is really really comforting. I just want to. I don't indulge in blind faith and beg for well being like many do while offering prayers. But there's a deep comfort when certain songs are sung. I want to enjoy them.

This has happened for more than 200 times over many years. Years ago, I offered prayers like a true devotee and the next day, I was diagnosed with subconjunctival hemorrhage. Another time, my sister assaulted me with her nails that left my arms bleeding. Another incident where I was falsely accused by my boss of stealing!!! I have seen this pattern every f--ing time!
I did the same thing yesterday and today I have conjunctivitis.
It leaves me with a constant discomfort and a 'burden' below my chest. I just want to surrender and let go and feel free. I don't seek a 'religious' answer, but rather an intellectual one to get rid of this, discomforting and hopefully silly thinking.
Its not that bad things only happen when I do this. The focus of this question is not about avoiding the bad things but my mind being stuck on the unbelievable coincidence that prevents me from being a devotee.
 
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And nothing bad ever happens when you don't? I find that hard to believe.

Everything you mentioned is fairly common. Medical honeysuckle happens all the time, especially pink eye. Sisters can be mean and unreasonable and bosses can be ********. Maybe find something else to blame....
 
Faith is a belief in something that gives no proof of its validity. Ask yourself why you believe what you believe. If it comes down to someone told you to then you might want to find more reason for it.

I'm not a religious sort, not that I don't hope there are extraperceptual influences. Few actually want life to be random. Most believe in something more.

As to your faith, does God punish? Or does God provide challenge and opportunity for learning and growth? Did you expect an easy life because you pray regularly? Is that how you expected to use your faith? How much of life is supposed to be about you?

Do things happen for a reason? Maybe your sister assaulting you with her nails was for her to feel regret and guilt and just maybe it will change her future enough where she is less eager to act and more apt to think first.

You can't face life as a victim. Expecting God to make your life better leaves you to relinquish the control you should exert over it. The most valuable lesson in religion is God gave you free will. Use it.
 
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Are you Muslim? I hear that's one of the fundamentals of Islam. I can see where you'd have troubles conjugating worship with life if you associate the two. The reason I ask about Islam is, because it's probably harder.

Anyways, I've felt like that, still do. Have trouble associating and all benevolent entity with the amount of crap that happens, not just to me, but everywhere, to everyone, every day.
I wish I could offer you some valuable advice, but I don't really have any. I'm just kind of stuck where you are. Haven't decided if it's really a bad thing tho, for me at least.
 
Confirmation bias, perhaps? Bad honeysuckle happens to people every day. My mother is the right kind of Christian. She has bad honeysuckle happen to her all the time, her response is usually "its in God's hands". While I disagree with her I do admire that she never gets angry and never blames anyone or anything especially the God she believes in.
But, Im sure my very ignorant and narrow views may make e seem like an ass.
 
Faith is a belief in .......... you to relinquish the control you should exert over it. The most valuable lesson in religion is God gave you free will. Use it.
Thanks for the reply.
I don't pray with the idea that some superhuman would make things easier for me. I am well past that, since I have been a follower of Osho's teachings. The only purpose of me indulging in prayer is to feel the emotional comfort and healing that comes with it. And it does come. However this stupid "coincidence" thing has been bothering me and doesn't let me do it. I also don't want to believe that me indulging in prayer does that, but it keeps happening everytime, without exception.
 

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