The grass on the other side...

[M_also_lonely]

Its not green. Its bare lands with a few flowers here and there.
We are always fascinated by the other side.
I have seen both, the worst and I wouldn't say the best because I am not deserving of it. But I have seen the life of an invisible guy and the guy who has options.
Its not necessarily better, trust me.

Every guy in the class was crazy about her. Obviously, she believed she was a princess. She wouldn't even bother to talk to a guy who said hello. Somehow we got in touch due to my good academics. I was madly in love with her. She was good looking, feminine, intelligent and witty. But as soon as her detectors sensed the signal, she went cold. She even went as far as claiming that she isn't the kind of girl who indulges in relationships, just to drive me off. She eventually hated being seen around me as I wasn't an attractive guy. She would change ways if she saw me at a distance in her way. I was in an unrequited love for several years. It made my life miserable.
I used to text her and it is hundreds of messages, with replies as "Yes", "No" and the rest left on 'seen'. Ugh, my simping days...

I changed everything a few years ago. I became fit, worked on communication skills, gaining knowledge, getting a high paying job and developing a couple of hobbies.
I stopped chasing relationships and women. I was able to see how even the most attractive ones were not good companions. Some who had flaunted their good looks throughout school days, who didn't have to work for anything and always had attention, didn't develop the necessary qualities to be a good partner.

I receive a message out of the blues, after all these years. Asking me how I am doing. After some basic chatting, she suddenly starts talking about her recent breakup. She explains how she was dumped after a relationship of two years. I was a bit shocked. How could a person like her be DUMPED? Then I looked back at the young days, her arrogance, her feeling that she is somehow a superior being. Ah!!! She is just another human, who we put on a pedestal!!

"I always knew you liked me."
I sensed where this was going.
"I wanted to give you a chance. I never gave you a chance. XYZ told me that you were madly in love with me and it really hurt me that I couldn't give you a chance. I just didn't feel the same way about you."

I couldn't stop laughing. I honestly told her the truth that I don't indulge in relationships with women who carry past baggage. I would rather be with someone with a sense of dignity. I don't want to tell my children that her mother was ******* around with other men while I was struggling to get my life sorted. I would rather tell my kids that her mother built everything up with me. I told her that I am dating someone who trusts me in my journey and doesn't fresia around with random men.

This obviously shook her ego They aren't well acquainted with rejections. She had claimed that she was giving me a chance.
She didn't take it well. She rudely tried to tell me how the my partner is too short, and lacks good personality. I happily agreed, and told her that no matter what, she will always be younger than you, shorter than you, and will always have less past imprint than you.
She lost control and spelled some abusive words which was still shocking since she never seemed to be the kind of girl who would use these words.
It is such a relief that I did not end up with a woman who I loved/infatuated for years.
_________________________________________________________

BUT, it is not a relief that I am dating someone. I always keep my guard up. I am prepared to not be shattered or even get shaken if this doesn't work out. I do not feel the feeling of love anymore. I don't think I will ever fall in love again, because romantic love is nothing but a perception that other one is an ideal. And I have touched upon the truth many times, that no human is ideal.
This is what it looks like from the other side.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

Pretty much, yeah.
It's a melancholy irony.

But as for the grass though...

 

[ardour]

I also have come across women I was infatuated with as a younger person, now with broken marriages, their lives in a mess, looking about 15 years older than me (child rearing and breakups age people), with bad attitudes to go with it. And yes I'm relieved I didn't end up with them.

Being the 'last cab off the rank' for someone who wouldn't have given you time of day in their 20s feels strange as well as obviously a blow to the ego. It sounds like she used you to help her with her studies as well, which has got to hurt.

Have to say though, hundreds of unanswered messages...any woman would have been turned off by that kind of attention. We all have lessons to learn.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Turning down an offer from the type of lady that sees herself as a gift and blessing to whomever is fortunate enough to win her affection, has a bit of enjoyment to it.

Now that I'm older, I just realize, life is too short. People are people. There's nothing to really win or gain in a situation like that; except one's self-respect, and that can be had without feelings of revenge and such.

Ultimately we'd hope that people learn the lessons that are important for them to learn, to make this world a better place. It's not about relishing in another's suffering...

That was mighty haughty of her. And kewl that you've gotten over her and got your life in a better place.

An eye for an eye, I think, does leave the whole world blind though. Forgiveness and letting go, is so much better than holding on to past hurts. It's a shame it isn't easier to do that, sometimes...

 

[M_also_lonely]

An eye for an eye, I think, does leave the whole world blind though. Forgiveness and letting go, is so much better than holding on to past hurts. It's a shame it isn't easier to do that, sometimes...

Forgiveness is given when it is asked for. It's unnatural to offer forgiveness to someone who is not even aware of their errors.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Very interesting, I enjoyed reading this. Reminds me of what my mum told me, when everyone was laughing at her nerdy boyfriend. She saw them with the best looking men, she also had many offers from more rich and more established men, even their mothers would court her for their socially awkward but very rich sons. As time went on, she saw them go through divorces, become single mothers, while her and my father had a successful marriage and he became very wealthy, retired young.

I tried to give a guy a chance once, because he was there for me when my dad died and I knew he liked me for a longggggggg time, always popping back to check if im single, pretending he wanted to be my friend. He idolised me, to the point it wasn't cute. The second I showed him something human about me, he would get thrown through a loop. He wanted me as his fantasy stored me, as perfection. Anything less was a disappointment. I also learned, the grass is not always greener, the nerdy guy is not always the nice guy and vice versa.

 

[user 135067]

The second I showed him something human about me, he would get thrown through a loop. He wanted me as his fantasy stored me, as perfection. Anything less was a disappointment. I also learned, the grass is not always greener, the nerdy guy is not always the nice guy and vice versa.

People are people. Ugly girls can be bitches. Pretty girls can be caring. Same with the guys. Take them one at a time and give them the opportunity to show you who they are.

I consider myself one of the nicest guys you could ever meet. But it can be hard for me to have a grip on any basic situation. I must respond badly, because I can't maintain a relationship. But it is not because I'm trying to be an ass. Someone somewhere has misunderstood something.

When we judge others, are we accurate?

 

[Finished]

The grass LOOKS greener on the other side. But, I agree it's the same honeysuckle you're currently standing in unless you completely change the situation and not just the players.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

I think on the whole that, for both men and women, relationships after high school in modern times are more often times than not more of a hassle than they're worth. Because of things like money and trust issues that people have, as well as their insecurities and jaded feelings from their experiences along the way on the Default Narrative of our social constructionism.

I mean women get their lives messed up by men too.
For every guy that gets all his money taken by a woman, there's also a woman who got all her money taken by a schmuck guy with no work ethic that can't keep a job. And just like some guys will keep a bad woman around just because she's hot and great in bed, some women will keep a bad man around just because he's hot and great in bed. And in both instances, that's the exact opposite of what the individual should do.

You're supposed to learn to love yourself before you try to love others.
There's a logical reason to that, because when you love yourself, your perception is different than before when it was clouded by your insecurities. A clearer perception will allow you to have healthier and stronger relationships. I wouldn't call it toxicity, because nobody is intentionally insecure or jaded, but rather the frame in which we try to approach our relationships is bad.

And what I mean by our frame is bad, is that we approach the history of our relationships like we do with anything with history, in a timeline format. Which makes sense if you're trying to piece something together that is logical, to teach yourself something about yourself, but doesn't make sense when you're trying to teach yourself something about the world around you. And the reason it doesn't make sense and the reason it doesn't work is:

All humans innately do this with our lives and our memories, we organize it on a timeline. When it comes to your feelings being on a timeline, that makes it very hard to heal, because your emotional self is the vehicle that is traversing the timeline in motion, you can't tie that down like that.

It's kind of innate to us to organize in this such a way. But when it comes to the way that we feel, it doesn't work. Because our feelings can't be organized according to our greatest strengths if we organize them according to a timeline of events that have broken us. And therein lies the problem.

As a society, we are not averagely in the practice of organizing the way that we feel according to our greatest strengths, we are averagely in the practice of organizing the way that we feel according to the timeline of our pain, missing that we are actually in motion over time because we are too focused on our inner negativity.

Now that obviously doesn't apply to everyone, but it does kind of apply to mass media production that we consume. That's why all of the songs on the radio are either love songs or breakup songs or of some relatability.

Because if you follow the timeline back far enough, eventually you realize that our evolving state of emotional existence is base. It lacks training and discipline, which is actually what pain really is supposed to be, it is meant to teach you what not to do again, and to make you stop and learn to think before you leap. And in all of our advancements over the years, I think that we have forgotten that very important factor as to what pain is meant to do for us on a psychological level beneath the duress of the feeling of the pain itself.

Resolutions and epiphanies usually come in the aftermath.
That's normal, and there's a reason for that.
When you burn your hand on the stove you immediately reflexively pull it back and feel pain, your resolution thereafter is to run it under cold water for a few seconds, and then your epiphany is that you should get some antibiotic ointment and some bandages.

But with emotional pain it's a little different, because it isn't something directly in front of you that you can see. And so you have to fumble around in the dark a bit. And that's what it's like, fumbling around in the dark in a messy closet with a bunch of stuff all over the place, trying to find the light switch so that you can at least see what it is that you're doing and most importantly:

Where to start.

 

[ardour]

I think on the whole that, for both men and women, relationships after high school in modern times are more often times than not more of a hassle than they're worth. Because of things like money and trust issues that people have, as well as their insecurities and jaded feelings from their experiences along the way on the Default Narrative of our social constructionism.

I mean women get their lives messed up by men too.
For every guy that gets all his money taken by a woman, there's also a woman who got all her money taken by a schmuck guy with no work ethic that can't keep a job. And just like some guys will keep a bad woman around just because she's hot and great in bed, some women will keep a bad man around just because he's hot and great in bed. And in both instances, that's the exact opposite of what the individual should do.

You're supposed to learn to love yourself before you try to love others.
There's a logical reason to that, because when you love yourself, your perception is different than before when it was clouded by your insecurities. A clearer perception will allow you to have healthier and stronger relationships. I wouldn't call it toxicity, because nobody is intentionally insecure or jaded, but rather the frame in which we try to approach our relationships is bad.

And what I mean by our frame is bad, is that we approach the history of our relationships like we do with anything with history, in a timeline format. Which makes sense if you're trying to piece something together that is logical, to teach yourself something about yourself, but doesn't make sense when you're trying to teach yourself something about the world around you. And the reason it doesn't make sense and the reason it doesn't work is:

All humans innately do this with our lives and our memories, we organize it on a timeline. When it comes to your feelings being on a timeline, that makes it very hard to heal, because your emotional self is the vehicle that is traversing the timeline in motion, you can't tie that down like that.

It's kind of innate to us to organize in this such a way. But when it comes to the way that we feel, it doesn't work. Because our feelings can't be organized according to our greatest strengths if we organize them according to a timeline of events that have broken us. And therein lies the problem.

As a society, we are not averagely in the practice of organizing the way that we feel according to our greatest strengths, we are averagely in the practice of organizing the way that we feel according to the timeline of our pain, missing that we are actually in motion over time because we are too focused on our inner negativity.

Now that obviously doesn't apply to everyone, but it does kind of apply to mass media production that we consume. That's why all of the songs on the radio are either love songs or breakup songs or of some relatability.

Because if you follow the timeline back far enough, eventually you realize that our evolving state of emotional existence is base. It lacks training and discipline, which is actually what pain really is supposed to be, it is meant to teach you what not to do again, and to make you stop and learn to think before you leap. And in all of our advancements over the years, I think that we have forgotten that very important factor as to what pain is meant to do for us on a psychological level beneath the duress of the feeling of the pain itself.

Resolutions and epiphanies usually come in the aftermath.
That's normal, and there's a reason for that.
When you burn your hand on the stove you immediately reflexively pull it back and feel pain, your resolution thereafter is to run it under cold water for a few seconds, and then your epiphany is that you should get some antibiotic ointment and some bandages.

But with emotional pain it's a little different, because it isn't something directly in front of you that you can see. And so you have to fumble around in the dark a bit. And that's what it's like, fumbling around in the dark in a messy closet with a bunch of stuff all over the place, trying to find the light switch so that you can at least see what it is that you're doing and most importantly:

Where to start.

So you're saying these experiences don't necessarily have much of an instructional value but just add to the burden of bitterness an individual carries with them.

 

[Adamridge79]

Well, most on the one side is dirt from their dogs and a tree removal this summer. On the other side I attribute to this ******* mole not leaving mine. I swear I just want to pave it over and paint it green. But then I couldn't mow. Maybe next year I'll kill thar ******* mole.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

So you're saying these experiences don't necessarily have much of an instructional value but just add to the burden of bitterness an individual carries with them.

I'm saying that on a level of separating fantasy from reality for the sake of practicality that many people have spent their entire lives chasing an ideal that does not exist outside of their own minds, and that the default narrative of our social construct of get a job, go to work, buy a car and house, get a significant other, get married, settle down and have kids is an idea we're sold into as children when we are too young to have any hope of understanding the reality of trying to make that fantasy into a reality in terms of labor, mental, physical and financial structures.

It sounds better on paper than it does actually trying to do it all due to the factor that all humans everywhere are cognitively developed sentient beings with their own thoughts and feelings. All nearly 8,000,000,000 of us, with our thousands of satellites in space, in a world where drones exist and everyone has both a camera and the entire internet to access casually tucked away in their pocket.

When we're kids we're sold into this societal default narrative through our parents and through media consumption that's specifically designed to exploit our natural emotional desires. Kids don't stand a chance trying to wrap their heads around the complexity of that, so it just becomes a linear life experience that the average person just doesn't really think twice about.

In a way it's a form of social indoctrination meant to feed the ideal concept of social constructionism and an ideal society. Except that, it's rather outdated these days, and often can complicate and destroy a life, rather than contribute to the betterment of society by helping build a life, because it sounds better on paper than it does in terms of making it into a reality.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I'm saying that on a level of separating fantasy from reality for the sake of practicality that many people have spent their entire lives chasing an ideal that does not exist outside of their own minds, and that the default narrative of our social construct of get a job, go to work, buy a car and house, get a significant other, get married, settle down and have kids is an idea we're sold into as children when we are too young to have any hope of understanding the reality of trying to make that fantasy into a reality in terms of labor, mental, physical and financial structures.

It sounds better on paper than it does actually trying to do it all due to the factor that all humans everywhere are cognitively developed sentient beings with their own thoughts and feelings. All nearly 8,000,000,000 of us, with our thousands of satellites in space, in a world where drones exist and everyone has both a camera and the entire internet to access casually tucked away in their pocket.

When we're kids we're sold into this societal default narrative through our parents and through media consumption that's specifically designed to exploit our natural emotional desires. Kids don't stand a chance trying to wrap their heads around the complexity of that, so it just becomes a linear life experience that the average person just doesn't really think twice about.

In a way it's a form of social indoctrination meant to feed the ideal concept of social constructionism and an ideal society. Except that, it's rather outdated these days, and often can complicate and destroy a life, rather than contribute to the betterment of society by helping build a life, because it sounds better on paper than it does in terms of making it into a reality.

I think it's more that, we have a tendency, as a species, towards pair bonding with a mate; and _the machine_ for lack of a better term, uses that against us, to extract as much work out of us, as it can. And even then, some times, perhaps less often than not, it's actually a reciprocal situation. When it works out, you get the house, the cars, the 2.5 kids, the partner, and all the entertainment, consumer goods, and splendor the machine can provide, so long as it all works out.

Penguins for the most part, seem to manage alright, in their pair bonding mating scheme. It's doubtful it's perfect for them either; I'm sure many a penguin knows unfairness and hardship. But, I think humans are just a little more confused, more often, than penguins...

And humans seem to be a mix of pair bonding and tournament species; and then add into that the average life expectancy has a bit more than doubled what it was about 200-400 years ago, maybe less. There is just a lot more people to fool around with, and a lot more time to do it. heh. And fortunately alot more time to find love. Unfortunately, the major problem for people in highly technologically advanced societies, is, as you put, nobody has any ******* clue what they really want, and just as less of a clue as to who the fresia they are, and even less of a clue as to how to get to where they are going, if they even know where that is.

If you grow up in some farming village 50 miles outside of the nearest town, in rural India, it's likely you have less things to consider. You'll work the family farm, and marry who is nearby, if your lucky. Simple.. No Disney movie happily ever after needed..

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

I think it's more that, we have a tendency, as a species, towards pair bonding with a mate; and _the machine_ for lack of a better term, uses that against us, to extract as much work out of us, as it can. And even then, some times, perhaps less often than not, it's actually a reciprocal situation. When it works out, you get the house, the cars, the 2.5 kids, the partner, and all the entertainment, consumer goods, and splendor the machine can provide, so long as it all works out.

Peguins for the most part, seem to manage allright, in their pair bonding mating scheme. It's doubtful it's perfect for them either; I'm sure many a penguin knows unfairness and hardship. But, I think humans are just a little more confused, more often, than penguins... And humans seem to be a mix of pair bonding and tournament species; and then add into that the average life expectancy has a bit more than doubled what it was about 300-400 years ago, maybe less. Their is just a lot more people to fool around with, and a lot more time to do it. heh. And fortunately alot more time to find love. The major problem for people in highly technologically advanced societies, is, as you put, nobody has any ******* clue what they really want, and just as less of a clue as to who the fresia they are, and even less of a clue as to how to get there.

Provided it works out, yes.
The trouble is that there's an ever-increasing rate of it not working out.
A utopia is just a dystopia painted white instead of black with equal but opposite problems.
As far as The Machine goes, based upon the way that tax brackets are written and the nominal sum that parents get in federal aid from the American government for their kids, the cost of the kid is almost always higher than the financial aid allotted, even with joint accounts and a tax break. Is it cheaper? Yes. Is it enough to make the living situation and stresses thereof practical? No.

So the way that this pans out using me and my sisters lives for example is:

She works full time, has a daughter, car payments, and insurance payments.
I work part time, no kids, no car, and unfortunately no insurance (which is the only one I actually struggle with, is the lack of insurance).

Yet I'm able to save more money than she can, and what she gets in tax returns in a year is gone within 3 - 6 months or less, but with that exact same amount of money, I could make that last 6 months to a year without much effort.

So on a mathematical level, it's wonky, right?
This leads me to believe that the government, in all of their herding and management of its citizens, is under the assumption that the people have developed the skillsets needed to financially survive.
And the problem with that assumption, is that in America proper financial planning for longevity either isn't mandatory in primary school, or is given at such a young age to kids that they don't retain the information or don't grasp that it's more than just numbers and equations.

So our educational system is therefore wonky.
And that alone has really unfortunate snowball effect consequences.

I don't think that the system was designed to deform like this on purpose, I think that core aspects of it got out of hand without checks and balances and enough of that deformed and thereafter the whole thing just snowballed and bottomed out like a paper cup that held liquid for too long.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Provided it works out, yes.
The trouble is that there's an ever-increasing rate of it not working out.
A utopia is just a dystopia painted white instead of black with equal but opposite problems.
As far as The Machine goes, based upon the way that tax brackets are written and the nominal sum that parents get in federal aid from the American government for their kids, the cost of the kid is almost always higher than the financial aid allotted, even with joint accounts and a tax break. Is it cheaper? Yes. Is it enough to make the living situation and stresses thereof practical? No.

So the way that this pans out using me and my sisters lives for example is:

She works full time, has a daughter, car payments, and insurance payments.
I work part time, no kids, no car, and unfortunately no insurance (which is the only one I actually struggle with, is the lack of insurance).

Yet I'm able to save more money than she can, and what she gets in tax returns in a year is gone within 3 - 6 months or less, but with that exact same amount of money, I could make that last 6 months to a year without much effort.

So on a mathematical level, it's wonky, right?
This leads me to believe that the government, in all of their herding and management of its citizens, is under the assumption that the people have developed the skillsets needed to financially survive.
And the problem with that assumption, is that in America proper financial planning for longevity either isn't mandatory in primary school, or is given at such a young age to kids that they don't retain the information or don't grasp that it's more than just numbers and equations.

So our educational system is therefore wonky.
And that alone has really unfortunate snowball effect consequences.

I don't think that the system was designed to deform like this on purpose, I think that core aspects of it got out of hand without checks and balances and enough of that deformed and thereafter the whole thing just snowballed and bottomed out like a paper cup that held liquid for too long.

I'm just amazed any of it works at all... Seems lately it's starting to crumble under it's own weight though, yeah..

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

I'm just amazed any of it works at all... Seems lately it's starting to crumble under it's own weight though, yeah..

The system has evolved to be flexible to try to accommodate, I'll give it that, that efforts have been made, but still, I mean, the problem is still core foundations. If the education system is wonky, well then, so will be the perceptions of the people who go to colleges for the hire paying state and federal jobs that support the infrastructure of the system.
That's one of the many problems with politicians.
Politicians went to law school, not to accounting school.
True, there is some overlap, but fundamentally speaking, those are two different departments entirely.
Just like I have a background in wholesale distribution management, and my boss has a background in retail management.
And while there's some overlap, yeah, different departments.
Penguins are cute though.

 

[charlotte craig]

Its not green. Its bare lands with a few flowers here and there.
We are always fascinated by the other side.
I have seen both, the worst and I wouldn't say the best because I am not deserving of it. But I have seen the life of an invisible guy and the guy who has options.
Its not necessarily better, trust me.

Every guy in the class was crazy about her. Obviously, she believed she was a princess. She wouldn't even bother to talk to a guy who said hello. Somehow we got in touch due to my good academics. I was madly in love with her. She was good looking, feminine, intelligent and witty. But as soon as her detectors sensed the signal, she went cold. She even went as far as claiming that she isn't the kind of girl who indulges in relationships, just to drive me off. She eventually hated being seen around me as I wasn't an attractive guy. She would change ways if she saw me at a distance in her way. I was in an unrequited love for several years. It made my life miserable.
I used to text her and it is hundreds of messages, with replies as "Yes", "No" and the rest left on 'seen'. Ugh, my simping days...

I changed everything a few years ago. I became fit, worked on communication skills, gaining knowledge, getting a high paying job and developing a couple of hobbies.
I stopped chasing relationships and women. I was able to see how even the most attractive ones were not good companions. Some who had flaunted their good looks throughout school days, who didn't have to work for anything and always had attention, didn't develop the necessary qualities to be a good partner.

I receive a message out of the blues, after all these years. Asking me how I am doing. After some basic chatting, she suddenly starts talking about her recent breakup. She explains how she was dumped after a relationship of two years. I was a bit shocked. How could a person like her be DUMPED? Then I looked back at the young days, her arrogance, her feeling that she is somehow a superior being. Ah!!! She is just another human, who we put on a pedestal!!

"I always knew you liked me."
I sensed where this was going.
"I wanted to give you a chance. I never gave you a chance. XYZ told me that you were madly in love with me and it really hurt me that I couldn't give you a chance. I just didn't feel the same way about you."

I couldn't stop laughing. I honestly told her the truth that I don't indulge in relationships with women who carry past baggage. I would rather be with someone with a sense of dignity. I don't want to tell my children that her mother was ******* around with other men while I was struggling to get my life sorted. I would rather tell my kids that her mother built everything up with me. I told her that I am dating someone who trusts me in my journey and doesn't **** around with random men.

This obviously shook her ego They aren't well acquainted with rejections. She had claimed that she was giving me a chance.
She didn't take it well. She rudely tried to tell me how the my partner is too short, and lacks good personality. I happily agreed, and told her that no matter what, she will always be younger than you, shorter than you, and will always have less past imprint than you.
She lost control and spelled some abusive words which was still shocking since she never seemed to be the kind of girl who would use these words.
It is such a relief that I did not end up with a woman who I loved/infatuated for years.
_________________________________________________________

BUT, it is not a relief that I am dating someone. I always keep my guard up. I am prepared to not be shattered or even get shaken if this doesn't work out. I do not feel the feeling of love anymore. I don't think I will ever fall in love again, because romantic love is nothing but a perception that other one is an ideal. And I have touched upon the truth many times, that no human is ideal.
This is what it looks like from the other side.

I admire your ability to be mature, think things through and make wise decisions.

 

[Xpendable]

I don't even have grass.

 

[Adamridge79]

Neither of my neighbors care about their lawns. So I'm always greener and lusher. Think that's a phrase The Jolly Green Giants girlfriend says?

 

[M_also_lonely]

I don't even have grass.

How could there be grass, when the land has been war torn? Suffered from countless invasions and brutalities?
The beauty of grass is only when its on the other side. When one reaches the other side, one realizes that it was just a mirage.
Anyways, in making the barren land lush green, much of the effort lies in nurturing the land, not in polishing the seed.