TheStaggy's story

[TheStaggy]

Hi folks.

Well, I've been looking for a forum to join and just vent around people that will hopefully understand where I am coming from. This is my story;

I'm a 30-year old male.

I come from a stable home where love and support is and never was lacking. My parents are still happily married after 29 years and I consider my brother to be the closest thing to a best friend (which may or may not be ideal).

I'm a bit of a late-bloomer in life. First kissed a girl at the age of 20, had my first sexual experience at 22, I've never been in a serious relationship and I only started pursuing my degree (part-time) at 25 and I hope to complete it this year. On the degree/career front I am slightly behind people my age in that while I am employed and can pay my own way (I am paying for my own degree), I still live at home as I cannot yet branch out on my own. The fact that I live at home will come up again as I explain my current emotional state.

On the social front, well, I am a shy introvert, arguably the worst combination. When my introvert side has recharged his batteries and wants to mix with people my shy side makes it really difficult to interact and connect with people, much to my frustration. I've been told that I come across as aloof and disinterested, when I am not trying to be that way, I just don't know how to engage with you. I'm a lot better than I was regarding my shyness as it was almost crippling as a teen and in my early-20s, but it still hinders my ability to build connections, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. A consequence of my futility in the social realm is the fact that I have two friends (whom I rarely see as they now have their own families) and the fact that I have never been in a serious relationship. My brother is also starting his own family shortly, so I won't even have him as a ''friend''. Again, as with my career, I am behind people my age in terms of social skills. I just don't know how to interact with people. People say I am a likable guy once they can get me talking, but they're the ones that need to do the initiating. And that is if I even get out. Last year I went out four times, otherwise my weekends are spent numbing my loneliness with video games and studying.

In the past two years I have been on three dates and all of them failed after the first date. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I fear that the aforementioned description of me coming across as being aloof and disinterested may be sabotaging my romantic efforts.

My family look at me and say ''Wow, you are so dedicated to your studies'' and I put on this front that yes, my studies are all that I need right now and they will set everything right when completed, but deep down there is a gaping hole that not even family can fill. That emptiness hurts and it can even reduce me to tears at times. I believe we need both the love and connections of family along with those of friends and lovers.

At work, I am the youngest and there is a lack of a connection with my other colleagues in the way that I would say I am liberal and in-tune with popular culture while my colleagues are conservative or ''old school''. So even at work I am lonely. Talk about the weekend's weather or work-related stuff just passes time, it doesn't fulfill you.

I want to change my lot but I just don't know how to. I can't branch out on my own just yet due to finances and that leaves me short on confidence as well, which further impacts on my social malaise. I just want a friend, I just want someone to send me a message and tell me that they are thinking about me. I know nobody is going to knock on my door and say ''Hi, would you care to join me for coffee?'' I need to fix this, but I don't even know where to start.


So there it is.

 

[DarkSelene]

Seems like you're working on yourself and on building your future. That's where you started from, now you're in the very long and slow process of seeing it through... don't panic, seems like you're doing things right.
I agree with you, friends are the ones we choose to have in our lives and that connection is very valuable, probably the most important one.

Welcome to the forum, hope you'll find what you're looking for.

 

[TheRealCallie]

You seem to put a lot of stock into what and when everyone else does things, like there is an age requirement or something for doing things. There's not. Who cares when you get to college, you're there now, that's all that matters. I know A LOT of people, some older than you, that are just now going to college. Hell, my dad went to college for the first time 10 years ago. It doesn't matter how old you are, you are doing what you need to do, what you want to do. I'm still waiting to go.

THAT,in itself should give you some confidence. Your age doesn't matter, you are going after what you want AND accomplishing it. Don't ever forget that and don't lessen it's value because of your age.

Why do you appear aloof and disinterested? I know you said you aren't trying to be that way, but are you trying to be a different way? Are you guarded? Maybe if you are trying to be a different way, it's coming off as a negative thing to others.

All you can do, if you want a friend, is to keep trying. I saw you say that it's incredibly difficult to break into social circles at your age. I disagree with that. All you need is one person with some common interests and chances are you will eventually be introduced into that circle. Go out, have a good time, find a hobby, talk to people.

Anyway, sorry for the novel, welcome to the forum. Feel free to check out the chat room, if you're interested.

 

[TheStaggy]

You seem to put a lot of stock into what and when everyone else does things, like there is an age requirement or something for doing things.  There's not.  Who cares when you get to college, you're there now, that's all that matters.  I know A LOT of people, some older than you, that are just now going to college.  Hell, my dad went to college for the first time 10 years ago.  It doesn't matter how old you are, you are doing what you need to do, what you want to do.  I'm still waiting to go.

THAT,in itself should give you some confidence.  Your age doesn't matter, you are going after what you want AND accomplishing it.  Don't ever forget that and don't lessen it's value because of your age.  

Why do you appear aloof and disinterested?  I know you said you aren't trying to be that way, but are you trying to be a different way?  Are you guarded?  Maybe if you are trying to be a different way, it's coming off as a negative thing to others.

All you can do, if you want a friend, is to keep trying.  I saw you say that it's incredibly difficult to break into social circles at your age.  I disagree with that.  All you need is one person with some common interests and chances are you will eventually be introduced into that circle.  Go out, have a good time, find a hobby, talk to people.  

Anyway, sorry for the novel, welcome to the forum.  Feel free to check out the chat room, if you're interested.  

Hi.

The only way I can explain it is that I feel like I am being left behind, hence my overwhelming sense of loneliness when I see others doing X and Y and I'm still here.

Reason why I seem aloof and disinterested is because I am indeed guarded, a defence mechanism from my childhood. I tend to need to warm up to people. I am painfully aware of it when doing it. I have to tell myself ''stop folding your arms'' or ''open your body up and face them'' and generally to just relax and smile at people if they look in my direction.

 

[MisterLonely]

Hello and welcome to the forum!

Seems you already had alot of good advice, I've been in the same position you are and in some ways am in a "worse" position still, I quoted that because we are not here to make a competition out of our problems , I am 33 and never had a relationship, no rl friends and missed allot of the key experiences that shape our lives. You're on the right track it seems, you are aware of your closed off posture and taking steps to combat it, same with your schooling, I just got my diploma mid december and eventhough I have a good job this did feel like an accomplishment and boosted my self-esteem and morale.

Keep doing the things you do, and try to keep working on your closed off/hostile posture, you aren't the only one that's had a slow start in their adult life, and just like myself i'm sure you'll get there.

 

[Meaw]

Welcome