Tired of Being Single

[Mella]

[font=Tahoma, sans-serif]I'm new to this site and to forums. I'm 25 and lonely and hoping to maybe find a partner. I'm open to friends as well but I've been really depressed lately because I'm a hopeless Romantic but I have never had a serious relationship and someone to be super affectionate and loving with and also best friends. At this point in my life its all I truly want. I feel like it will bring me out of my depression. I'm also very shy. I just want someone to talk to and hang out with a lot. I'm in California.[/font]

 

[Ignis]

I'd just like to preface this post by saying I hope I don't come across as harsh or insensitive with anything I say because if I do, I didn't mean it.

Getting into a relationship will not bring you out of your depression.
I'm saying that because I was in the exact same position as you, granted younger. All I wanted was a relationship and I was so sure that it would be the thing that saved me from depression. The poor girl I dated, she had to deal with so much crap because of it... She felt so much pressure during the relationship to be the "perfect girlfriend" and it was a lot of pressure I was unknowingly putting on her because I wanted it so badly and because I was so sure it would be the magical cure.

Not only was it NOT the magical cure, once everything was said and done, I fell FURTHER into depression than I was before and in retrospect I made the relationship super unhealthy because of this twisted attitude I had toward what a relationship should be.
So my advice to you would be to NOT go searching for a relationship assuming it will be the cure because it absolutely isn't and you may very well hurt someone else in the process.

That being said, I have no doubt that you'll eventually find someone for yourself and they'll be someone truly special to you. As long as you're honest to others and to yourself, people will come to you of your their own volition.
Best of luck to you no matter what you do. I have faith something special will happen.

 

[Mella]

I'd just like to preface this post by saying I hope I don't come across as harsh or insensitive with anything I say because if I do, I didn't mean it.

Getting into a relationship will not bring you out of your depression.
I'm saying that because I was in the exact same position as you, granted younger. All I wanted was a relationship and I was so sure that it would be the thing that saved me from depression. The poor girl I dated, she had to deal with so much crap because of it... She felt so much pressure during the relationship to be the "perfect girlfriend" and it was a lot of pressure I was unknowingly putting on her because I wanted it so badly and because I was so sure it would be the magical cure.

Not only was it NOT the magical cure, once everything was said and done, I fell FURTHER into depression than I was before and in retrospect I made the relationship super unhealthy because of this twisted attitude I had toward what a relationship should be.
So my advice to you would be to NOT go searching for a relationship assuming it will be the cure because it absolutely isn't and you may very well hurt someone else in the process.

That being said, I have no doubt that you'll eventually find someone for yourself and they'll be someone truly special to you. As long as you're honest to others and to yourself, people will come to you of your their own volition.
Best of luck to you no matter what you do. I have faith something special will happen.

Thank you for your response Ignis. I understand and I agree with you. My problem and the greatest source of my depression and thoughts is the lack of a relationship. Its hard to not think about it. I understand it may not bring me completely out and will likely cause new worries and stresses, it would just be amazing for that to be one less sadness in my life. I know it would help a lot because I cannot help but fixate on it. I think its better to find a like minded partner. I know I have a lot to learn and everything and will need to continue to work on myself.

 

[user 139760]

A wise man once said (probably was Captain Picard lol) that they key to being happy is to first learn to live with yourself, so that you may be able to live with others.
A relationship WILL NOT bring you out of depression. Also, depending on how well it goes or not, it can bring you deeper into it, especially if it ends.
If I could give you some advice, use this time of being single to work on yourself. Learn to live, and appreciate, yourself, no matter if you're single or in a couple. Being happy for yourself first and foremost, reflects in your dealings and attitude with others, even though you might not realize it. People are generally not attracted to people whom they perceive to have "problems", so someone being depressed, that might translate as being "needy" sometimes when it's actually a need for closeness, support and intimacy, might put them off. Especially if you're looking for long term.
So use this time to tame yourself. Then you'll be able to tame others without difficulty. It'll make your whole state of mind that much better.

Take care, mamzelle ;-)

 

[Mella]

A wise man once said (probably was Captain Picard lol) that they key to being happy is to first learn to live with yourself, so that you may be able to live with others.
A relationship WILL NOT bring you out of depression. Also, depending on how well it goes or not, it can bring you deeper into it, especially if it ends.
If I could give you some advice, use this time of being single to work on yourself. Learn to live, and appreciate, yourself, no matter if you're single or in a couple. Being happy for yourself first and foremost, reflects in your dealings and attitude with others, even though you might not realize it. People are generally not attracted to people whom they perceive to have "problems", so someone being depressed, that might translate as being "needy" sometimes when it's actually a need for closeness, support and intimacy, might put them off. Especially if you're looking for long term.
So use this time to tame yourself. Then you'll be able to tame others without difficulty. It'll make your whole state of mind that much better.

Take care, mamzelle ;-)

Thank you

 

[HappyBread]

Getting into a relationship will not bring you out of your depression.

Not only was it NOT the magical cure, once everything was said and done, I fell FURTHER into depression than I was before and in retrospect I made the relationship super unhealthy because of this twisted attitude I had toward what a relationship should be.
So my advice to you would be to NOT go searching for a relationship assuming it will be the cure because it absolutely isn't and you may very well hurt someone else in the process.

A relationship WILL NOT bring you out of depression. Also, depending on how well it goes or not, it can bring you deeper into it, especially if it ends.

If I could give you some advice, use this time of being single to work on yourself. Learn to live, and appreciate, yourself, no matter if you're single or in a couple. Being happy for yourself first and foremost, reflects in your dealings and attitude with others, even though you might not realize it. People are generally not attracted to people whom they perceive to have "problems", so someone being depressed, that might translate as being "needy" sometimes when it's actually a need for closeness, support and intimacy, might put them off. Especially if you're looking for long term.
So use this time to tame yourself. Then you'll be able to tame others without difficulty. It'll make your whole state of mind that much better.

Take care, mamzelle ;-)

Hey Mella, good to see you writing to the forum. It shows that you noticed a problem and are actually taking action. Many people think about taking action but a lot of them wouldn't get past the stage of thinking and planning/ worrying. You got past it so congrats. Savior this victory. 

One thing is for sure, the advises given by these guys before me? They are solid advices that I can guarantee, to benefit you if you do heed them.

I can vouch for them with a personal experience of mine with my ex-gf. 
She is a super hot young woman who is a 10/10 in many men's "Hotness rating" (Hour glass body etc) and has the intellect of an encyclopedia PLUS has a heart of gold.
BUT, a fatal flaw- Her insecurity.

Noticed that I said ex-gf? What happened? Her insecurity happened. It created A LOT of self-imagined obstacles and eventually, killed our relationships of 6 years, which we fought so hard to keep. Ultimately, after many years and many reflection plus study (I major in Psychology and I read quite a bit about social psych) I finally understood and accepted that it was inevitable. I will explain why later.

For now, to name a few eg of issues caused by her insecurities.
1. Constant need to be right
2. Constant need for attention
3. Constant need of assurance
4. Distrustful

Now, this is not to say the break up is fully her fault. I could've handled certain things differently as well but based on the feedbacks I've gotten from MANY different objective perspectives and my own personal research?
One of the main reasons to our break up is caused by her many internal self issues.

To be honest, even if we are still together, her internal insecurities will only cause more problems or just make things worst IF she doesn't work them out.

To give you more of an idea on what kind of partner I was so that you can see the situation better- 
as described by her parents themselves-

I was one of the craziest man they've ever met alive. Why? Because I loved their daughter so much that I took emotional abuse from her and still stuck around, tell her I love her and still fight so hard for her- In her father's own words:

"If your mother acted the way you did, I would've divorced her many years ago"

If you want to hear a more detailed experience, feel free to pm me. I'd be more than happy to share with you and help you make a more informed life decision. Hell we can trade stories too lol anywho-

The point of this story? To give you an idea on what might happen if you get into a relationship now without resolving your current self-issues.

Why am I so sure that you've got some self-issues? The fact that you feel that you NEED someone to complete your life and make you happy. Trust me, I felt the need before and I've been on the other end. As what the others have said, getting a partner wouldn't resolve anything.

That's life. You will always want more. Look at it this way, you have no smartphone. You see everyone else has one and you want one. You go out and bought a smartphone. You now start to think of ways to ensure this smartphone is forever in your possession until you think it's no longer necessary to have around or until a better one comes around.

Okay relationship is slightly different but you get my point? When you don't have something, you will seek it.
When you have it, you will try to keep it around.

So what happens when you have several internal issues and start having to deal with things such as jealousy?

What will likely happen is that you'd become easily jealous like, my ex, and become super clingy and demanding, which would result in fights. If you become controlling towards your partner? Guess what- Doubts in the relationship would come. Nobody wants to be controlled. Then the emotional abuse etc. For both parties btw.

You might think "Oh it won't come down to that because I know I will love my sweetheart enough to make sure it doesn't happen" my dear, we've only talked about you so far. We haven't even started talking about your partner's own insecurity issues lol.

Assuming that YOU are settled pretty well yourself (For my case, I would say I was about 90% self assured. I had no issues with jealousy etc and things still went to hell) it's not a guarantee that your partner is self-assured as well lol!
And don't even get me started on maturity and commitment level.

Getting into a healthily working relationship and keeping one isn't all fairy tale nor novels/movie moments. It takes LOTS of time, effort and commitment from BOTH sides. That said, I'm sure you're starting to see how many things one would have to take note of in a relationship and I haven't even gone into details lol.

Whatever it is, naturally, the choice is up to you. If after reading everyone's advice and you still wish to get into a relationship yourself? By all means, do it! BUT- Go in with conviction!
Put all your effort into it (Be smart about it as well) and make **** sure you achieve your goal. Along the way, remember the risks as you journey towards the ideal life that you envision for yourself. 

Ultimately, what I came to learn is that Happiness, isn't about the destination but the journey.

When you look at your educational certificate, you don't recall your final exam. You recall the struggles towards it and then finally getting the certificate itself. It's the same as how you'd look at old photographs taken and reminisce about the past. You don't think about THAT moment captured alone. You think about the journey / process which all led up to the moment and even after that shot was taken.

In fact, most of the fondest part of reminiscent comes from the recalling of the journey captured in that picture. It's all about the journey so focus on it and learn to enjoy the process of facing challenges.

In 10 years time, you will look back and smile as you look at them photo albums

Hope this helped in anyway and hey, if you wanna be friends or anything, feel free to let me know via pm. I'd be more than happy to make a new friend. It's what forums are for as well, no?

Btw I'm writing this at about 2am at my side and I'm pretty tired (Eyes closing lol) so do pardon any grammatical error etc. I'm going to pretend my bed is a landing zone and crash land now XD

 

[rich81]

[font=Tahoma, sans-serif]I'm new to this site and to forums. I'm 25 and lonely and hoping to maybe find a partner. I'm open to friends as well but I've been really depressed lately because I'm a hopeless Romantic but I have never had a serious relationship and someone to be super affectionate and loving with and also best friends. At this point in my life its all I truly want. I feel like it will bring me out of my depression. I'm also very shy. I just want someone to talk to and hang out with a lot. I'm in California.[/font]

you are very pretty, and im sure you will meet someone who you click with eventually. but dont expect it to fix your depression. what are your passions and hobbies?

 

[Mella]

[font=Tahoma, sans-serif]I'm new to this site and to forums. I'm 25 and lonely and hoping to maybe find a partner. I'm open to friends as well but I've been really depressed lately because I'm a hopeless Romantic but I have never had a serious relationship and someone to be super affectionate and loving with and also best friends. At this point in my life its all I truly want. I feel like it will bring me out of my depression. I'm also very shy. I just want someone to talk to and hang out with a lot. I'm in California.[/font]

you are very pretty, and im sure you will meet someone who you click with eventually. but dont expect it to fix your depression. what are your passions and hobbies?

Thank you Rich. I enjoy reading, cooking, singing, dancing and writing. I love to go to comedy shows and I love trying new activities and new foods. I enjoy watching investigation discovery, bio stories, and other reality television. What about yourself?