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Kitsune Tora

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I think a big part of why I am so lonely is that I find it very hard to trust anyone with my feelings and experiences. I understand why- my parents have never been very good at handling emotions and prefer to try and make them go away or avoid them or even get angry, my 'best' friend from when I was 5-16 constantly belittled and betrayed me so I came to believe that trust and true friendship wasn't really a thing so my friendships since have always been quite superficial. I also had another group of friends as a teenager who also bullied me a lot. I listen a lot but I don't offer much back. When I do offer stuff about me up I tend to do so flippantly/ while laughing about it and distance myself from it and then also distance myself from the person who I've opened up to.
Today I was doing out some drawers of old papers and it brought up a lot of memories and feelings for me. I realise that I keep a LOT to myself, even though I have a loving partner and family and friends I mostly exist under a layer of isolation, I feel like I'm really a stranger to them. I don't talk about difficult things at all, I just keep going. But the downside is I don't get to build those deep trusting links that others do, my relationship can't progress beyond a certain point. And I push things away so often that I've got a huge build up of feelings and things that I can't really deal with because the moments to deal with them have passed long since- even years.
I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here. I guess I'm creating my own loneliness, but if I think about opening up to someone about the darker and more serious parts of my experience I can't see myself doing it, it's terrifying. I could lose so so much. But I could lost by not opening up too.
I just wish that I had non judgmental people to talk to... but then again, I've done some pretty bad things in my life (or at least I think so... and I'm notoriously critical) so perhaps I just have to accept that judgment will come, it's a risk and it's a normal part of life. Perhaps I just have to learn to handle being judged and criticised and learn to support myself so it won't be as sould crushing when it does happen.
And the thing is I probably do have the closest thing to a non judgmental person in my life (my partner) but I especially can't open up to him because he's so important to me. Stupid isn't it?
I can't trust, and I'm lonely because of it.
 
Kitsune Tora said:
And the thing is I probably do have the closest thing to a non judgmental person in my life (my partner) but I especially can't open up to him because he's so important to me. Stupid isn't it?
I can't trust, and I'm lonely because of it.

My situation is the same as yours. I open up to my brother because he couldn't care less about my problems ^_^

The reason you can't open up to your partner is because you are afraid you're going to lose him, right? It's hard to find someone who still loves you for you are after they know everything about you. My opinion is that you should tell him to find out if he really likes you, the one who is right for you.

Anyway the choice is yours to make.
 
Kitsune Tora said:
I can't trust, and I'm lonely because of it.

I trust people very easily, and I'm still lonely.

I started out not trusting anyone, but then I met someone who opened me up, listened to me, didn't judge me, and it changed my life. Now, I am almost an open book, but I find that some people are very uncomfortable being around someone like me. They fear opening up, maybe because they've been burned before and they don't know me enough to know that I would never shame someone for having a feeling, or for expressing embarrassment for a past experience.

That's why I tend to be closer friends with people who are willing to open up to me like I am willing to open up to them.
 
Case said:
I trust people very easily, and I'm still lonely.

I started out not trusting anyone, but then I met someone who opened me up, listened to me, didn't judge me, and it changed my life. Now, I am almost an open book, but I find that some people are very uncomfortable being around someone like me. They fear opening up, maybe because they've been burned before and they don't know me enough to know that I would never shame someone for having a feeling, or for expressing embarrassment for a past experience.

That's why I tend to be closer friends with people who are willing to open up to me like I am willing to open up to them.

I find I run into that problem too. I'm comfortable with my loserness and have no problems talking about it. Most people are freaked out by it.
I sometimes find that I say too much though. I can open up a lot too easily and sometimes say things in confidence all while forgetting that most people can't keep things with between me and them.
 
I have this problem too. When I was a kid I had to wear a backbrace for 10 years and I got to see the worst of society and how almost no one was trustworthy in the end. Even worse... I feel like my trust issues are worn on my sleeve and people hate me for it. When you are trusting and put that out for the world, people feel compelled not to abuse that trust for the most part (maybe one or two will abuse it) but when you have the walls up.. it is almost like a pre-emptive rejection and they know it.

I have a co worker who is an amazing friend and I do trust her. But I always reject her and keep my distance and not let her see who I really am because her trustworthiness is so important to me... I need to keep it.
 
LonelySutton said:
I feel like my trust issues are worn on my sleeve and people hate me for it.

Hi, LS. Just curious. I'm not sure how you project your trust issues, but if someone noticed that you had a trust issue, how would you want them to react?

LonelySutton said:
I have a co worker who is an amazing friend and I do trust her. But I always reject her and keep my distance and not let her see who I really am because her trustworthiness is so important to me... I need to keep it.

Do you think your friend would feel hurt if she knew that you willingly keep your distance from her? Or would she understand that you don't want to be close to her?
 
Case said:
Hi, LS. Just curious. I'm not sure how you project your trust issues, but if someone noticed that you had a trust issue, how would you want them to react?

Understanding... kindness... a thought in them that I might have had a hard life, even if they don't know that I did. Instead I find too many people without a thought in their head that only see that I am "rejecting" them... and couldn't possibly think about it for a second.

Do you think your friend would feel hurt if she knew that you willingly keep your distance from her? Or would she understand that you don't want to be close to her?

I think it does hurt her feelings and she doesn't understand, but she is such an amazing person she keeps trying gently and kindly and for that... I completely appreciate her and more than any other I do trust her.
 
Can't you try to start with small things? You don't necessarily have to make a big confession to your partner, but you can involve him/her in some aspects of life you usually keep to yourself. Strong couples grow together.

I made two major leaps of faith in my life to try to escape the rut of just not trusting people and regretted both of them, so I can relate. Opening up to new people just feels like deja vu; the same road I've walked down with so many others. I've rejected the last two people to try to befriend me and was relieved when they stopped trying, although regretful that they might have left hurt and feeling like something was wrong with them. My spare time is going to creative works, meditation, and spiritual rediscovery instead of socializing.
 

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