VENT - He moved on...

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ewomack

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Was you ever scared, that you was walking away from the only family you've ever known? Like the only love you've ever known?
I didn't walk away, eventually I was thrown out. So that was scary and deflating and miserable and awful in ways that I can no longer comprehend and feel. Looking back, I should have realized that our relationship would end badly. She was more concerned about her own well-being rather than the relationship's. She played demeaning games and I later learned that she was having affairs throughout our entire relationship. She hid it well, or I may just have trusted her too much. Though I was thrown out into the world on my own, I created a new life for myself that led to my current marriage, which seems to be going strong and is not based on games or manipulation. Though it was traumatic for a while, my ex-wife ultimately did me a huge favor by throwing me out. I wonder where I would be now and what I would be doing were I still with her. I would likely be very miserable, manipulated and feeling rotten about myself. Thankfully, that was not my fate.
 

Sunless Sky

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Honestly, we just know each other very well, if he was really happy with her, he'd leave me alone, but he won't do that, we both know that he would never do that. If he left me alone, we'd never talk or meet again, im not a stalker or anything close, so if he is happy with her, why is he always trying to be with me?

I hate the games seriously, I used to think that all relationships worked like that, I used to think it proved something, but i'm exhausted. I just wanna be happy, go back to before the games.

I dont know why you're telling me to respect myself, thats a bit off tune. I dont get it, im not throwing myself at him, I'm just tired. He didn't always play with my heart, I want to go back to that man, the man before the games. I cant control love, im annoyed that I love him, but what can I do about it?

You said he comes to you right? Have you tried having this conversation with him. Y'know, be upfront and honest with him?

Think of it this way, you are suffering now to the point of exhaustion so you got nothing to lose. Worst case scenario, you come out of it with some embarrassment. Would be better than wallowing in despair. At least then you'll know whether he still has feelings for you or not.

I didn't mean to offend you when I told you to respect yourself. I just don't like to see someone waste their time, effort, mental energy and health on someone who is just playing games with them. I meant to say to recognise your value and not waste your time on someone who does not have your best interest at heart.
 

Colster

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Just accept he's gone. To be brutally frank, all this wailing and desperate pouring of heart, it's going to push away many guys. You lot can bicker about that, until the cows come home. It's a fact.

Maybe he's gone elsewhere because he can. Maybe he is there because it's easy and available. Maybe it's something new. Could even be love. One thing it's not, is to spite you. Honestly, for dozens of very complex social and psychological reasons, just no!

Whilst other's my pander to your emotions, I'm not. It's time for big girl pants, and to move the fuck on. He's done whatever he's done, for his own reasons, and is not coming back. Analysing, hypothesize, scrutinise, replay every God damned moment; it isn't going to change any of the effective facts in play.

Right now, your ex is quite probably very happy. Don't you think it's about time you made yourself happy, too.
 
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Honestly, we just know each other very well, if he was really happy with her, he'd leave me alone, but he won't do that, we both know that he would never do that. If he left me alone, we'd never talk or meet again, im not a stalker or anything close, so if he is happy with her, why is he always trying to be with me?

I hate the games seriously, I used to think that all relationships worked like that, I used to think it proved something, but i'm exhausted. I just wanna be happy, go back to before the games.
Ahhhh, I see you are waiting in the wings. You think that he'll tire of her and come back to you. I understand now. To be honest it might be a good thing in the long run if you are correct. Do you think it's just something he needs to get out of his system before settling down with you possibly? Now he gets to experience all the faults of the other woman. Maybe you'll start to look really good to him again????
 

ztyu123

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We all tend to get caught up in the mirages sometimes. We refuse to blink. They become soo convincing and pry our lids open. Things weren't no where near "perfect" as you described.. subconsciously, you know it too. I hope that you can know your value and worth someday. I hope that you grow to love yourself. Purposely still involving yourself with an ex that you're fully aware of his new relationship but disrespecting, disregarding it continuously remaining in communication and arranging visits quite frequently, and he disrespects his own relationship by showing and doing the same thing is anything but self love. It's self sabotage. You should probably be aware of that he was being unfaithful when he was with you as well. I really hope that you spend a regretful life chasing after him, having this on and off thing. Him making a fool out of you and other women, but you believing the sweet talk. Life is too short.
 

CenotaphGirl

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You become polygamous too. Problem solved? ;)
Lol wait... who said i'm not?

Just accept he's gone. To be brutally frank, all this wailing and desperate pouring of heart, it's going to push away many guys. You lot can bicker about that, until the cows come home. It's a fact.

Maybe he's gone elsewhere because he can. Maybe he is there because it's easy and available. Maybe it's something new. Could even be love. One thing it's not, is to spite you. Honestly, for dozens of very complex social and psychological reasons, just no!

Whilst other's my pander to your emotions, I'm not. It's time for big girl pants, and to move the fuck on. He's done whatever he's done, for his own reasons, and is not coming back. Analysing, hypothesize, scrutinise, replay every God damned moment; it isn't going to change any of the effective facts in play.

Right now, your ex is quite probably very happy. Don't you think it's about time you made yourself happy, too.

I don't ever say any of this too him, I don't even remotely act this way around him, I'm just too proud. I can't confess it, I can't say what I want. It's like out of the fear that I'll look weak. I know he's won the battle for me though, I just have to keep pretending he hasn't that there's still some kind of challenge here.

Not sure if anyone has pandered to my emotions on this thread, and gentle hand smacks for any who did. I don't need sympathy online im wayyyy beyond that point i'm just here to get different perspectives. I like when people explain how the battled similar situations. For those of you lucky enough to have never experienced this crap... streamers and whistles for you.

I'm sad because break ups are hard, I feel like one of them women who live in their wedding dress forever. He is deffo trying to spite me though... The issue is normal people wouldn't get it, it's why we were toxic in ways, because only we would do something like that. Honestly, as soon as he started this crap, I was gonna end it by doing things I dont even wanna do... then I was like Jesus Cen just stop or it's never gonna stop. I could easily call his best friend right now and he'd stop all this crap. But then, I dont actually know what he will do... and I'd really only have myself to blame because I won. That was how our relationship was, countless games, if I won a hospital trip if I lost he'd cheat. But there was a time before all that, when we were honest with each other, I feel like we'd both wanna go back there, just too proud to admit it and make it happen or really dont know our way back.
 

CenotaphGirl

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We all tend to get caught up in the mirages sometimes. We refuse to blink. They become soo convincing and pry our lids open. Things weren't no where near "perfect" as you described.. subconsciously, you know it too. I hope that you can know your value and worth someday. I hope that you grow to love yourself. Purposely still involving yourself with an ex that you're fully aware of his new relationship but disrespecting, disregarding it continuously remaining in communication and arranging visits quite frequently, and he disrespects his own relationship by showing and doing the same thing is anything but self love. It's self sabotage. You should probably be aware of that he was being unfaithful when he was with you as well. I really hope that you spend a regretful life chasing after him, having this on and off thing. Him making a fool out of you and other women, but you believing the sweet talk. Life is too short.

Maybe I just dont know. If I knew how to forget him... ugh... I'd simply forget.
 

ardour

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She's not better than me, she's just not, he is with her, because he knows it hurts me. I dont understand why two people in love have to hurt each other so bloody much. :cry:
it doesn't sound like love is involved. Change your taste in men if you want stability.
 
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TheSkaFish

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She's not better than me, she's just not

I just wanted to say that I was in a sort-of similar situation - was just a crush, not a relationship - and I remember how it made me feel, anger, humiliation, sadness. I was incensed, I was outraged, I felt insulted. And I was sad, thinking that the things this girl said to me were real, but also feeling like I didn't matter to her at all when I thought I did. It hurt. And I hated being told to "move on".

What helped were a few things - for one, time. Just not talking to the person. Letting myself think about something else, even just mundane day to day life, chores, stuff like that. For me, yardwork is a good distraction. I don't have to think about anything, but can still take my mind off stuff at the same time. If the idea of not talking to them ever again is too much for you right now, you could even say, you're taking a break from talking to them, you're putting them on indefinite hiatus. After a long enough time not talking to them, you might not even feel that much of a need to talk to them anymore. Anyway, no matter how you do it, time apart takes off the sting. Continuing to talk to the person though, just keeps them in your system and re-opens the wound, prolongs the process. But once you haven't talked to them in a while you start to see them more objectively, instead of seeing what you want to see in them.

And that's the other thing. Maybe when you see them more objectively, you see some things about them that you don't really like that much after all. Maybe you always knew these things were there, but ignored them on purpose because you thought you really liked this person. But in time you might think, what did I see in them anyway? I know I did, a couple times now. Focusing on what you don't like about someone, the things you disagree with, things about them you think are stupid, ways in which you're not similar to them/can't be yourself with the person/ways they don't "get" you, is a great way to get rid of feelings of attraction for them.

You can do all this gradually too. The wound is probably still fresh, but you can take it one day at a time.
 

CenotaphGirl

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I just wanted to say that I was in a sort-of similar situation - was just a crush, not a relationship - and I remember how it made me feel, anger, humiliation, sadness. I was incensed, I was outraged, I felt insulted. And I was sad, thinking that the things this girl said to me were real, but also feeling like I didn't matter to her at all when I thought I did. It hurt. And I hated being told to "move on".

What helped were a few things - for one, time. Just not talking to the person. Letting myself think about something else, even just mundane day to day life, chores, stuff like that. For me, yardwork is a good distraction. I don't have to think about anything, but can still take my mind off stuff at the same time. If the idea of not talking to them ever again is too much for you right now, you could even say, you're taking a break from talking to them, you're putting them on indefinite hiatus. After a long enough time not talking to them, you might not even feel that much of a need to talk to them anymore. Anyway, no matter how you do it, time apart takes off the sting. Continuing to talk to the person though, just keeps them in your system and re-opens the wound, prolongs the process. But once you haven't talked to them in a while you start to see them more objectively, instead of seeing what you want to see in them.

And that's the other thing. Maybe when you see them more objectively, you see some things about them that you don't really like that much after all. Maybe you always knew these things were there, but ignored them on purpose because you thought you really liked this person. But in time you might think, what did I see in them anyway? I know I did, a couple times now. Focusing on what you don't like about someone, the things you disagree with, things about them you think are stupid, ways in which you're not similar to them/can't be yourself with the person/ways they don't "get" you, is a great way to get rid of feelings of attraction for them.

You can do all this gradually too. The wound is probably still fresh, but you can take it one day at a time.
I feel like im caught in a trap with this man, he actually came over and was crying in my bedroom, like some sort of deranged person. I told him I'm going to leave his life, like im not gonna be apart of this game (honestly I think I was bluffing but... I just had to try and put and end to it). He literally started crying, and said he's tired of me manipulating him... toying with him and never letting him move on. Honestly, I felt like the bad guy in the situation when all I am trying to do is get out of it. So I said, look Im going so you can have this perfect life with whatever her name is and he said im just messing with his head he was like I want him to say things he cant say (no idea what he's on about maybe he was drunk), so obviously time apart is just not something we can't handle without thinking its some power play. My ex has never cried before honestly, so im shocked, I just keep replaying the moment trying to figure out what im doing wrong, gonna make myself sick.

Im deffo playing this your way Skafish man im just blocking him and not talking to him for a while, see where that takes us, because I dont want to be apart of this madness.
 

ardour

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Change my taste... kinda ironic coming from you (im saying this playfully) 😅, but okay, how do I change my taste? Please teach me.
You might want to ask why you're still interested in this man, if it's as you say, he's doing this deliberately to hurt you. Not trying to attack you but it sounds like a need for drama and conflict.

Healthy people don't want to get back with an ex after they've already paired up with someone else. They might feel contempt and anger towards them.

Maybe that sounds like a lame attempt at armchair analysis but from what you've said it's seems like this what attracts you.
 
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CenotaphGirl

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You might want to ask why you're still interested in this man, if it's as you say, he's deliberately trying to hurt you. Not trying to attack you but it sounds like you need drama and conflict.

Healthy people don't want to get back with an ex after they've already paired up with someone else. They might feel contempt and anger towards their ex in that case. It's hard not to conclude that this is what attracts you.

The truth is, I am not sure what a healthy person wants/would do in my situation, I don't really like drama and conflict anymore, but I'd be lying if I said I never had a taste for it at one stage in my life. I have done the same thing to him in the past, I started dating a guy I knew would piss him off, ended up going too far and he broke his hand self harming over it. I used to think all the drama was love, and I had to unlearn that.
 
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