saurus
New member
Edit: This is very very long. If you reply, note that I'm most likely going to change this in more than a few places, so be aware of that if you do for some ungodly reason, choose to read through this post and are deciding whether or not to reply.
This should probably be moved to Diaries where I can collect my thoughts I guess.
I don't know where to start with my problems. But I guess I can just lay it out at least. Maybe that will get me somewhere.
This might be a downer and I certainly don't need people to 'help' my cynicism, so I guess only respond if you're not planning to enforce any of my self-perpetuated bullshit or if you feel like someone else's bullshit with other people and/or friends and/or relationships and/or sex can enforce your own bullshit.
So, I've been a single male virgin my whole life.
In highschool, I could've easily have gotten a girl. I'm not too bad looking I guess despite maybe kinda yellowed teeth stained from braces.
There were a lot of opportunities, but I always thought that a relationship/sex would just come to me and besides that, I ended up in this strange situation where I started getting followed around by an assistant and had trouble with really having a social life.
I had friends, and I could maybe have more if I was better at keeping in contact with people now but, well I'm not good at keeping in contact with people and though I do feel lonely, I'm not sure if I can relate to people to well. Besides that, if I go out and start looking for people to hang out with, what if I start getting too many contacts or something?
I don't currently have a job. I'm working with a social worker to get a job and after that, maybe get back into school. Of course, at my age and with my abilities, its pretty pathetic that this social worker is just going to give me some horrible minimum wage slave job.
They act like they can actually help me and get me a job I like or something, but they can't. I'm in my late 20's, so there's that too. I don't look it, but I am.
I'm also circumcised and that bothers me. Kind of a complicated topic and I'm not sure where to start with it. Maybe that will go into a separate thread later, or maybe not be discussed on this forum at all.
I'm also ashamed of my hobbies. I was (IMO more or less falsely) diagnosed with Asperger's (now just high-functioning autism) and I suppose because of this, the people I started knowing because of it, and me being raised in the Pokemon generation, I developed an interest in science, anime/animation, video games (mostly JRPGs), sci-fi, I guess internet culture, Japan (to an extant) and so on.
I hate it.
How is someone supposed to take me like a serious human being if I were to tell them I've never dated, never had sex, play video games and watch anime?
I know what they'll think of me. They'll think I'm a stalker or that I'm liable to shoot up a school or that I like to dress as Naruto while butchering foreign languages.
But I don't think I really have any "normal" hobbies besides maybe writing which I barely ever do.
In fact, a lot of the "friends" I had recently made me feel even more lonely than I would away from them because they really did have social problems and made horribly awkward jokes. The only reason I stayed around them immediately is because its hard to find a group for pen and paper RPGs/DnD, which is another hobby I'm considering discarding. Actually, especially that hobby.
Sometimes I feel like these shouldn't be my interests.
It certainly doesn't help with the whole "autism" thing that's for sure.
If those are my interests, how can I possibly find someone who relates to me? Even I often find myself prejudging people at gameshops when they mention Chrono Trigger.
Its like, wow how much shallower can I make my dating pool.
But I'm getting sidetracked.
I don't know what I want in my life. I often feel like there's something missing. But I don't know what it would take to change that. "Guy"/casual/whatever friends? A pet? A girlfriend?
...Sex?
I don't have any religious beliefs, so we can safely throw that aside.
I guess to some extant I'm afraid of people. I don't always feel like this when I'm actually out. If someone comes over and talks to me or something, I generally warm up quickly but I'm started to get worried...
I'm starting to get worried because I spend a lot of time online. I barely ever enter bars in fact, I only really know 1 and its actually more of an arcade.
There's a lot of things I feel like I have no real reason belief-wise why I wouldn't do it, but I wonder if maybe I should. Like dancing in public.. I do it when I'm alone because I have ADHD so maybe I need some kind of physical outlet, but then i don't know if that's actually 'me'. This would certainly be a difficult turn of events and at my age I have like what 3 years before it becomes creepy as fresia or I'm just not able to do it. But maybe it would make me feel better at times. I mean, I can't really say I'm "against" it, but then mostly when I think of dancing I gues I think of clubbing I guess I don't know what I'm talking about when I talk about dancing in public because I never dance and I never *really* go out lately.
I moved out for the first time a few months back to an apartment in Portland Oregon. Although its not that far a move, I feel more dire when I consider my loneliness. I think I've been breaking down in tears more often lately. I feel like there's a black hollow fog kind of creeping inside me I don't like it.
I think I might want to go back to school, study engineering or something, but I'm so conflicted now. All I want is a real social life while I'm still young I guess. If I could just have friends like I have online were I discuss video games and stuff, I guess that would be neat.
Of course, half those people seem to be a bit rude to me and I think they're making me shyer and more self-conscious, because they never say anything unless there's a problem. There's no real positive feedback a lot of the time unless you do something really special, and aything negative you do they point out because its just so easy to do.
I can't really tell if they're sick of me or not, but I think I'm slowly making them sick of me.
Any way getting back to a more main subject, I don't know how to meet people. I think I'm supposed to know people beforehand. How would these people even help? Maybe I'll just be worse off if I meet random people but I don't know another way to do it.
I never really flirt with girls. I can count on 1 hand's index finger how many times I called a girl attractive (besides this one ******* thing I did in highschool), and that time I made the mistake of saying I was autistic. she ended up giving me a card to some meet-up place for autistic people despite herself not being autistic.
And.. and I guess that's it right now. I've got myself lost, but at some point I have to make some kind of step, some kind of sense of advancement with my problems. And if that means submitting a hodge-podge freewrite that will later be massively edited and possibly added upon then so be it I guess.
I'm sorry for the long post and all. Whenever I start trying to write something in this forum, everything starts coming out. I feel like I just have to post this or post nothing at all for now.
Otherwise, I just won't do anything and I need to do something.
I can't remember all my problems and its difficult to prioritize so... I guess I'll just post this confusing mess.
I'm posting this because I'm worried that my confidence issues, frustration, etc. will get worse and I don't really know what will happen then or who to really turn to...
This should probably be moved to Diaries where I can collect my thoughts I guess.
I don't know where to start with my problems. But I guess I can just lay it out at least. Maybe that will get me somewhere.
This might be a downer and I certainly don't need people to 'help' my cynicism, so I guess only respond if you're not planning to enforce any of my self-perpetuated bullshit or if you feel like someone else's bullshit with other people and/or friends and/or relationships and/or sex can enforce your own bullshit.
So, I've been a single male virgin my whole life.
In highschool, I could've easily have gotten a girl. I'm not too bad looking I guess despite maybe kinda yellowed teeth stained from braces.
There were a lot of opportunities, but I always thought that a relationship/sex would just come to me and besides that, I ended up in this strange situation where I started getting followed around by an assistant and had trouble with really having a social life.
I had friends, and I could maybe have more if I was better at keeping in contact with people now but, well I'm not good at keeping in contact with people and though I do feel lonely, I'm not sure if I can relate to people to well. Besides that, if I go out and start looking for people to hang out with, what if I start getting too many contacts or something?
I don't currently have a job. I'm working with a social worker to get a job and after that, maybe get back into school. Of course, at my age and with my abilities, its pretty pathetic that this social worker is just going to give me some horrible minimum wage slave job.
They act like they can actually help me and get me a job I like or something, but they can't. I'm in my late 20's, so there's that too. I don't look it, but I am.
I'm also circumcised and that bothers me. Kind of a complicated topic and I'm not sure where to start with it. Maybe that will go into a separate thread later, or maybe not be discussed on this forum at all.
I'm also ashamed of my hobbies. I was (IMO more or less falsely) diagnosed with Asperger's (now just high-functioning autism) and I suppose because of this, the people I started knowing because of it, and me being raised in the Pokemon generation, I developed an interest in science, anime/animation, video games (mostly JRPGs), sci-fi, I guess internet culture, Japan (to an extant) and so on.
I hate it.
How is someone supposed to take me like a serious human being if I were to tell them I've never dated, never had sex, play video games and watch anime?
I know what they'll think of me. They'll think I'm a stalker or that I'm liable to shoot up a school or that I like to dress as Naruto while butchering foreign languages.
But I don't think I really have any "normal" hobbies besides maybe writing which I barely ever do.
In fact, a lot of the "friends" I had recently made me feel even more lonely than I would away from them because they really did have social problems and made horribly awkward jokes. The only reason I stayed around them immediately is because its hard to find a group for pen and paper RPGs/DnD, which is another hobby I'm considering discarding. Actually, especially that hobby.
Sometimes I feel like these shouldn't be my interests.
It certainly doesn't help with the whole "autism" thing that's for sure.
If those are my interests, how can I possibly find someone who relates to me? Even I often find myself prejudging people at gameshops when they mention Chrono Trigger.
Its like, wow how much shallower can I make my dating pool.
But I'm getting sidetracked.
I don't know what I want in my life. I often feel like there's something missing. But I don't know what it would take to change that. "Guy"/casual/whatever friends? A pet? A girlfriend?
...Sex?
I don't have any religious beliefs, so we can safely throw that aside.
I guess to some extant I'm afraid of people. I don't always feel like this when I'm actually out. If someone comes over and talks to me or something, I generally warm up quickly but I'm started to get worried...
I'm starting to get worried because I spend a lot of time online. I barely ever enter bars in fact, I only really know 1 and its actually more of an arcade.
There's a lot of things I feel like I have no real reason belief-wise why I wouldn't do it, but I wonder if maybe I should. Like dancing in public.. I do it when I'm alone because I have ADHD so maybe I need some kind of physical outlet, but then i don't know if that's actually 'me'. This would certainly be a difficult turn of events and at my age I have like what 3 years before it becomes creepy as fresia or I'm just not able to do it. But maybe it would make me feel better at times. I mean, I can't really say I'm "against" it, but then mostly when I think of dancing I gues I think of clubbing I guess I don't know what I'm talking about when I talk about dancing in public because I never dance and I never *really* go out lately.
I moved out for the first time a few months back to an apartment in Portland Oregon. Although its not that far a move, I feel more dire when I consider my loneliness. I think I've been breaking down in tears more often lately. I feel like there's a black hollow fog kind of creeping inside me I don't like it.
I think I might want to go back to school, study engineering or something, but I'm so conflicted now. All I want is a real social life while I'm still young I guess. If I could just have friends like I have online were I discuss video games and stuff, I guess that would be neat.
Of course, half those people seem to be a bit rude to me and I think they're making me shyer and more self-conscious, because they never say anything unless there's a problem. There's no real positive feedback a lot of the time unless you do something really special, and aything negative you do they point out because its just so easy to do.
I can't really tell if they're sick of me or not, but I think I'm slowly making them sick of me.
Any way getting back to a more main subject, I don't know how to meet people. I think I'm supposed to know people beforehand. How would these people even help? Maybe I'll just be worse off if I meet random people but I don't know another way to do it.
I never really flirt with girls. I can count on 1 hand's index finger how many times I called a girl attractive (besides this one ******* thing I did in highschool), and that time I made the mistake of saying I was autistic. she ended up giving me a card to some meet-up place for autistic people despite herself not being autistic.
And.. and I guess that's it right now. I've got myself lost, but at some point I have to make some kind of step, some kind of sense of advancement with my problems. And if that means submitting a hodge-podge freewrite that will later be massively edited and possibly added upon then so be it I guess.
I'm sorry for the long post and all. Whenever I start trying to write something in this forum, everything starts coming out. I feel like I just have to post this or post nothing at all for now.
Otherwise, I just won't do anything and I need to do something.
I can't remember all my problems and its difficult to prioritize so... I guess I'll just post this confusing mess.
I'm posting this because I'm worried that my confidence issues, frustration, etc. will get worse and I don't really know what will happen then or who to really turn to...
