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mattsmom

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I'd like to start a thread on how you can get yourself out there every day, if not just for a couple hours.

My latest:  Go out to eat!

My particular choice that is my fave is Olive Garden.  They are KNOWN for their very inexpensive, all you can eat lunches!  So for $6.99 (in my area at least) you can go and have unlimited soup or salad and an entrée to boot.

It is a little bit more expensive ($8.99) on weekends.  You do the math though, it's not terribly expensive to justify and the added bonus is you get to save on dish cleaning afterwards, too!

I try to make the rest of my daily food intake light ( a couple of pieces of toast and fruit in the morning, ditto for evening) and take in the bulk of my food at Olive Garden so that it balances itself out.

I often will strike up a convo with the waiter/waitress...I'm into essential oils, so the one I had yesterday gave me a compliment on my scent (even though I hadn't used one in a while, must have been from my sweatshirt hoodie LOL...).

Another one I focused on this spring was to go for long walks.  There's a particular pond I walk to although it's far from where I live, I get about 25K steps in when I walk it round trip.  I'll see people by the pond and although I usually don't strike up a conversation it is still enthralling to think what wildlife I might see (I got a couple nice pics of mamma/baby ducklings once).
 
Xpendable said:
Lower your IQ.

My composite IQ is 121 (92nd percentile) on the WAIS-IV.  I do happen to find my tolerability to be around people with lower IQ's than mine is significantly lower.  But interestingly enough I would NOT want to give up any IQ points either.....

It's a trade off.
 
mattsmom said:
I often will strike up a convo with the waiter/waitress...I'm into essential oils, so the one I had yesterday gave me a compliment on my scent (even though I hadn't used one in a while, must have been from my sweatshirt hoodie LOL...).

I see what you are doing there and I give you encouragement for trying, instead of just complaining like Debbie Downer, but I don't see how this advances the ball. Waiters / Waitresses are "single serving friends". They talk to you because it kind of is part of the job and likely don't really like it, or you. They want a tip or just feel they have to be friendly. Not in a friendship sort of way. Your just talking. 

You don't want to just get anyone, you need someone there is a chance of a relationship with, not just talking. 

Oh how I have tried.  I remember once I started a meet up group for people who said they were looking for people to meet and be friends with. But despite their stated intentions.. they all left.  All these people were carefully vetted and seemed to be in agreement that you need people in the area to help you out -- even if you don't think they are the cats meow. But they all left anyway. 

I think anyway of making friends has to have some element where you both can't leave. In this day in age that is what it takes to form bonds... otherwise people will just flake out. 

my IQ is 156. LOL..l really I have a test from when I was a kid that says that but I have no idea what the scale is.
 
EmilyFoxSeaton said:
mattsmom said:
I often will strike up a convo with the waiter/waitress...I'm into essential oils, so the one I had yesterday gave me a compliment on my scent (even though I hadn't used one in a while, must have been from my sweatshirt hoodie LOL...).

I see what you are doing there and I give you encouragement for trying, instead of just complaining like Debbie Downer, but I don't see how this advances the ball. Waiters / Waitresses are "single serving friends". They talk to you because it kind of is part of the job and likely don't really like it, or you. They want a tip or just feel they have to be friendly. Not in a friendship sort of way. Your just talking. 

You don't want to just get anyone, you need someone there is a chance of a relationship with, not just talking. 

Oh how I have tried.  I remember once I started a meet up group for people who said they were looking for people to meet and be friends with. But despite their stated intentions.. they all left.  All these people were carefully vetted and seemed to be in agreement that you need people in the area to help you out -- even if you don't think they are the cats meow. But they all left anyway. 

I think anyway of making friends has to have some element where you both can't leave. In this day in age that is what it takes to form bonds... otherwise people will just flake out. 

my IQ is 156. LOL..l really I have a test from when I was a kid that says that but I have no idea what the scale is.

See, I'm a waiter and I completely disagree. We're polite to people we don't like, but conversations are usually reserved for people you actually want to speak to. Otherwise it's "Thank you Miss, Enjoy your dinner" jog back behind the bar and try and avoid speaking again till you say "Anything else? I hope you enjoyed your food. Thanks for coming". 

And mattsmom he was flirting with you! He liked you! Next time try just giving him your number. The worst case scenario is only him saying "I have a girlfriend" just go for it.
 
EmilyFoxSeaton said:
mattsmom said:
I often will strike up a convo with the waiter/waitress...I'm into essential oils, so the one I had yesterday gave me a compliment on my scent (even though I hadn't used one in a while, must have been from my sweatshirt hoodie LOL...).

Waiters / Waitresses are "single serving friends". They talk to you because it kind of is part of the job and likely don't really like it, or you. They want a tip or just feel they have to be friendly. Not in a friendship sort of way. Your just talking. 

You don't want to just get anyone, you need someone there is a chance of a relationship with, not just talking...

Just how do you think meaningful relationships/ friendships start? If you quit a conversation before you've even started, you won't make any friends, guaranteed. People want instant everything these days, including friendships and relationships but that's not how the real world works.

I worked in a corner store while in college and we had regulars that came in so much to play the lottery or buy coffee that we became friends. I didn't talk to them despite not liking them or because I wanted something from them - I talked to them because I wanted human contact too. Willfully ignoring other humans in front of you because they're "just servers" or thinking "they just want something from me" is self-defeating.
 
I think the problem is that the interest soon dies out. In the end there's no connection and you feel they gave everything they had to offer.
 
EmilyFoxSeaton said:
mattsmom said:
I often will strike up a convo with the waiter/waitress...I'm into essential oils, so the one I had yesterday gave me a compliment on my scent (even though I hadn't used one in a while, must have been from my sweatshirt hoodie LOL...).

I see what you are doing there and I give you encouragement for trying, instead of just complaining like Debbie Downer, but I don't see how this advances the ball. Waiters / Waitresses are "single serving friends". They talk to you because it kind of is part of the job and likely don't really like it, or you. They want a tip or just feel they have to be friendly. Not in a friendship sort of way. Your just talking. 

You don't want to just get anyone, you need someone there is a chance of a relationship with, not just talking. 

Oh how I have tried.  I remember once I started a meet up group for people who said they were looking for people to meet and be friends with. But despite their stated intentions.. they all left.  All these people were carefully vetted and seemed to be in agreement that you need people in the area to help you out -- even if you don't think they are the cats meow. But they all left anyway. 

I think anyway of making friends has to have some element where you both can't leave. In this day in age that is what it takes to form bonds... otherwise people will just flake out. 

my IQ is 156. LOL..l really I have a test from when I was a kid that says that but I have no idea what the scale is.

The point of this is not really having EXPECTATIONS but increasing your vibe and positivity so that you ATTRACT that type of energy. You don't have to be Ms. Extrovert but when you feel confident about everyday interaction and not so much what I can GET out of it as what I have to OFFER, what do I have to GIVE that's the spark that gets people (in general) interested, or pays attention. Granted no, the waiter/waitress is not going to get your number - well you never know, I did have one do that but it was with an ulterior motive - to buy her Young Living Essential Oils LOL - but you catch my drift.

When one's energy comes across to someone else as 'I need...I need!" rather than I genuinely like your company and would like to get to know you better, in a mutually permissive way, it is less likely to work out. Just because the other person feels really burdened and obligated and not 'drawn in' out of free will. That's the way it works, sort of like gravity - the planets all have a suspension in their orbits, not a vice that cranks them around each other.

So that's the vibe that changes your spin to a positive one, not the Debbie Downer "I'll never meet the right somebody" - Pity parties are a retreat zone, we expect people to be sorry for us when we're in a sore spot and we all go through them, but like a turtle out of its shell we come out of them too =) Some of us earlier than others, but we all do, eventually
 
It doesn't matter where you are or whether or not the person you are talking to is working or not, you can meet people and make friends anywhere.
But yeah, you're more likely to have that happen is you aren't being a Debbie Downer. And I'm not sure what IQ has to do with any of this, but that doesn't matter. Unless you're going around telling everyone you have a high IQ or dismissing people because you don't think they are smart enough for your tastes....
 
Osiris said:
EmilyFoxSeaton said:
mattsmom said:
I often will strike up a convo with the waiter/waitress...I'm into essential oils, so the one I had yesterday gave me a compliment on my scent (even though I hadn't used one in a while, must have been from my sweatshirt hoodie LOL...).

I see what you are doing there and I give you encouragement for trying, instead of just complaining like Debbie Downer, but I don't see how this advances the ball. Waiters / Waitresses are "single serving friends". They talk to you because it kind of is part of the job and likely don't really like it, or you. They want a tip or just feel they have to be friendly. Not in a friendship sort of way. Your just talking. 

You don't want to just get anyone, you need someone there is a chance of a relationship with, not just talking. 

Oh how I have tried.  I remember once I started a meet up group for people who said they were looking for people to meet and be friends with. But despite their stated intentions.. they all left.  All these people were carefully vetted and seemed to be in agreement that you need people in the area to help you out -- even if you don't think they are the cats meow. But they all left anyway. 

I think anyway of making friends has to have some element where you both can't leave. In this day in age that is what it takes to form bonds... otherwise people will just flake out. 

my IQ is 156. LOL..l really I have a test from when I was a kid that says that but I have no idea what the scale is.

See, I'm a waiter and I completely disagree. We're polite to people we don't like, but conversations are usually reserved for people you actually want to speak to. Otherwise it's "Thank you Miss, Enjoy your dinner" jog back behind the bar and try and avoid speaking again till you say "Anything else? I hope you enjoyed your food. Thanks for coming". 

And mattsmom he was flirting with you! He liked you! Next time try just giving him your number. The worst case scenario is only him saying "I have a girlfriend" just go for it.

-Ha! Well the one who gave me the essential oil compliment was actually a female, LOL...(and seemed straight to me).but the one the day before did have a vibe of interest. We were talking about how he looked like one of my psychic reader friends and so on and so forth. I would say there was some flirty energy with him for sure.

But yeah, the point being, sometimes it helps getting out there and validating attractiveness. In a lot of ways I don't really feel like I've got all my ducks in a row to be in a relationship right now anyways (heavy debt load, starting my own biz, getting healthier and wanting the time to do so).... but hey, that doesn't mean I can't test the waters and have a little fun!
 
mattsmom said:
Osiris said:
EmilyFoxSeaton said:
mattsmom said:
I often will strike up a convo with the waiter/waitress...I'm into essential oils, so the one I had yesterday gave me a compliment on my scent (even though I hadn't used one in a while, must have been from my sweatshirt hoodie LOL...).

I see what you are doing there and I give you encouragement for trying, instead of just complaining like Debbie Downer, but I don't see how this advances the ball. Waiters / Waitresses are "single serving friends". They talk to you because it kind of is part of the job and likely don't really like it, or you. They want a tip or just feel they have to be friendly. Not in a friendship sort of way. Your just talking. 

You don't want to just get anyone, you need someone there is a chance of a relationship with, not just talking. 

Oh how I have tried.  I remember once I started a meet up group for people who said they were looking for people to meet and be friends with. But despite their stated intentions.. they all left.  All these people were carefully vetted and seemed to be in agreement that you need people in the area to help you out -- even if you don't think they are the cats meow. But they all left anyway. 

I think anyway of making friends has to have some element where you both can't leave. In this day in age that is what it takes to form bonds... otherwise people will just flake out. 

my IQ is 156. LOL..l really I have a test from when I was a kid that says that but I have no idea what the scale is.

See, I'm a waiter and I completely disagree. We're polite to people we don't like, but conversations are usually reserved for people you actually want to speak to. Otherwise it's "Thank you Miss, Enjoy your dinner" jog back behind the bar and try and avoid speaking again till you say "Anything else? I hope you enjoyed your food. Thanks for coming". 

And mattsmom he was flirting with you! He liked you! Next time try just giving him your number. The worst case scenario is only him saying "I have a girlfriend" just go for it.

-Ha!  Well the one who gave me the essential oil compliment was actually a female, LOL...(and seemed straight to me).but the one the day before did have a vibe of interest.  We were talking about how he looked like one of my psychic reader friends and so on and so forth.  I would say there was some flirty energy with him for sure.

But yeah, the point being, sometimes it helps getting out there and validating attractiveness.  In a lot of ways I don't really feel like I've got all my ducks in a row to be in a relationship right now anyways (heavy debt load, starting my own biz, getting healthier and wanting the time to do so).... but hey, that doesn't mean I can't test the waters and have a little fun!

Yeah, have some fun! *Whispers "Go back to the waiter from the day before" ;). But I still think she was hitting on you lol. "Seemed straight to me" like you can tell! Was she supposed to have purple hair and a nose ring? lmao.

I respect what you're saying about too much going on for a relationship, if you're not ready it's a good idea to take some time out to do "you". But someone could just come out of nowhere, so just take each day as it comes.

Now go out there and have more fun than a kid in a playground! haha!
 
mattsmom said:
So that's the vibe that changes your spin to a positive one, not the Debbie Downer "I'll never meet the right somebody" - Pity parties are a retreat zone, we expect people to be sorry for us when we're in a sore spot and we all go through them, but like a turtle out of its shell we come out of them too =)  Some of us earlier than others, but we all do, eventually

The when deciding how to invest your time you shouldn't just randomly spew to people who are the least likely to form lasting bonds... you should target your energies on people who will make for long term friends.  I mean, if you are out to eat and someone talks to you, of course, don't be rude. But these might not be the best people to look to to form relationships simply because at least some of them aren't looking to be friends and are simply being polite. 

Defining friends is key. As of course, you can make people to talk to almost anyplace but getting them to stick around and be good friends requires something more.  I used to think it was easy to find people.. and it was, but almost all of them flaked out.

My "real" friends -- the one or two I have... bonded over long term sort of mutual forced situation. Whether it was sports; employment; school etc.
 
EmilyFoxSeaton said:
mattsmom said:
So that's the vibe that changes your spin to a positive one, not the Debbie Downer "I'll never meet the right somebody" - Pity parties are a retreat zone, we expect people to be sorry for us when we're in a sore spot and we all go through them, but like a turtle out of its shell we come out of them too =)  Some of us earlier than others, but we all do, eventually

Here's the real trick: Raising your energies. Because when you do that you don't view socializing for the sake of socializing as wasting your energies. The way you are saying it makes it sound like I'm choosing to waste my time by socializing with random people. Also, when you raise your energy, simple things become joyful - the sun rising everyday, and you increase your potential for gratitude. This goes a long way out of getting a person out of the bored mindset that often accompanies loneliness.

Raising your energy can involve a lot of things. If us loners choose to focus on our preponderant time alone as an advantage, we can focus on activities like improving our health (I did a LOT of Epsom salt baths), yoga, massage, you name it. LOL I had a similar experience at the massage therapist I went to about a month ago, he was like 'thank you so much for your convo during the massage!'. It wasn't like I was deliberately trying to flirt with him or anything; it just came naturally.

If your energy is depleted (by such things as, but not limited to: crummy job where you are treated like crap, toxic relationships / friendships, poor diet and not enough time invested such that you can renew yourself)... you are going to view it as you are putting in ALL this effort and now you feel ENTITLED to get it back. And when attraction becomes conditional like that, or obligatory, that takes all the magic out of it. Control versus love is the dynamic I call it. We really wouldn't need to define religion, or even good and evil, if we just realized that the 'true' force is love and the 'false' force is control. When one dwells on the latter, life becomes bleak and desperate and we actually put MORE energy into making things happen (and feel even more depleted) than if we just invest a few years into ourselves so we can get into a new mindset.

I do see your point however regarding seeking knowingly AVAILABLE people. I tend to be drawn into the challenge of the unavailable or taboo - married men, or taboo situations like the massage therapist where it's a huge ethical breach if the attraction (on his end especially) were made known.. I have become conscious of that and have realized at some point (which as I stated I'm not really ready for yet) I will need to go to bonafide places where available men hang out or whatever to meet someone to seriously date. That being said, I wouldn't say engaging in a convo strictly for the sake of it is a bad thing. A person is always learning about themselves and who / what they like in another person with every interaction s/he has. Dating sites - tried em, and the frustration there is I really can say I only met 1 guy who was looking for more than just a lay in the hay. Sadly. I was on a site for 2+ years too, and I've decided that's not the way for me to go in the future.
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The when deciding how to invest your time you shouldn't just randomly spew to people who are the least likely to form lasting bonds... you should target your energies on people who will make for long term friends.  I mean, if you are out to eat and someone talks to you, of course, don't be rude. But these might not be the best people to look to to form relationships simply because at least some of them aren't looking to be friends and are simply being polite. 

Defining friends is key. As of course, you can make people to talk to almost anyplace but getting them to stick around and be good friends requires something more.  I used to think it was easy to find people.. and it was, but almost all of them flaked out.

My "real" friends -- the one or two I have... bonded over long term sort of mutual forced situation. Whether it was sports; employment; school etc.
 
I do believe readings of an IQ test only measure how well you scored on the IQ test. There's much more to life and to one's intelligence in it than 100 questions on a piece of paper.
Supposedly I'm in the upper 150's. Considering I took that test when I was in 3rd grade, the fact that I've grown older and took a couple of chair shots, I'm probably a lot stupider than I used to be ;-) Also now have the worst memory in the world, worked much better when I was younger. Now, if my face weren't attached to the rest, I'm sure I'd look for it every morning lol.
Almost everyone, though, has a tale to tell. In my family, we have the "retarded" gene (don't know much about the medical side, but three of my cousins are mentally retarded), yet we have a blast with them. They know enough to have moderately decent conversations and I find their child-like views on life refresh me and give me hope no end. Don't think human relationships are intelligence-based, else the human race would be in SERIOUS trouble right now ;-) It's the fact that we're all different and all see billions of different things makes us interesting.

And that, to me, is a way to beat loneliness. Either chat with someone or talk with someone, on the phone, on the internet, in a bar. Just listen and ask questions, let them know a little bit about me and ask about their lives, their experiences. When I realize the vast diversity of people around me and the fact that even the "stereotypical crazy grandma-cat-lady-who-hates-her-kids" has a funny story on how she got into a fight with her representative and won because he tripped, it reminds me of how good it feels to be alive and how I have so much yet to learn, compared to what little knowledge I have of anything. Even the stuff I don't believe in, like tarot cards and magic and religion and what not, educate me and give me insight into other people and I enjoy reading about it. As long as I'm not a part of it lol.
Companionship, even if it's the time it takes to drink a coffee or smoke a cigarette, is one of my main things. Love randomly talking with someone on the street.
Sadly, we live in a day and age where it's getting harder and harder without people thinking "rapist" or "killer" or a bunch of other things. Understadable...but sadening.
 

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