Asked my Dad when we were leaving today. Got a condescending answer.
I said, "just the time would do". In my head I thought, "just the goddamn ******* time would do fine." My patience for things like this is getting less, and less, and less. Maybe it's the added stress I'm under from various things, the negativity I feel that my life is hopeless, while at the same time realizing the value of assertiveness and feeling like being assertive is the right way to live, and it's essential to be able to be assertive. But I've always hated it and it's been getting me angrier and angrier.
Stuff like this really pisses me off, cause it doesn't matter at all - let alone enough to be insulted with a condescending answer like I'm a ******* idiot. The fate of the world doesn't rest on remembering exactly when we're leaving. It is not an appointment, or picking up anything, or anything time-sensitive or formal. It's not heart surgery, or landing a spaceship on the moon. It doesn't. *******. matter at all, in the grand scheme of the universe. It's a nothing detail, nothing even close to a big deal, a small deal, anything. To even say that it's a mistake to not remember it is, to me, a stretch because there are no consequences or costs and no benefits involved. It would not have taken any more effort/money/time/convenience/risk/anything, to simply say what time we're leaving.
He's said in the past something like, something relating it to how I'm going to function at a job. But the way I feel is, if a boss is going to condescend to me, they are an ******* and can go fresia themselves. I am willing to try to be a teammate, therefore I want to be treated like a teammate. Not this bullshit. Hopefully I'll find a non-toxic company culture, where people don't make big deals out of nonissues and create extra stress unnecessarily about things that don't matter, and that will be that.
This is why I want power so badly, and it's been immensely frustrating to me that I don't seem to be able to be good at anything and therefore can't get power. Cause I want to stand on even ground with people and demand that I am treated at least evenly. Not specially, but at least evenly, reasonably. At least "just OK", at least neutral where there is no positive or negative charge. And if that is too much for someone, I can walk. I can tell them that they can either treat me with common courtesy or go to hell, and be able to feel good about myself because I stood my ground and defended and preserved my dignity. Treat me at least OK and I stay, or don't and I will find someone who will. I've always, always, always wanted to be someone who is "not going to take this honeysuckle". I feel like it's essential to feeling good about yourself, confidence, all that to be able to draw lines in the sand, set boundaries. It's essential to NOT going through life as a broken person.
I guess you could say I have an attitude/authority problem. But you could also look at it another way, which is that assertiveness and dignity are extremely important to me. Cause when you don't have those things it feels like a violation. And when you look at the people who don't have those things, how forlorn, broken and beaten down they are, I know I don't want to live like that.
This is why I think being my own boss and being in control, or at least someone highly skilled and having at least enough control to demand nonspecial but decent treatment or else walk away, is where I want to be. It's absolutely essential to have some kind of bargaining chip. The problem is, as I said - I don't seem to be able to be good at anything. But I hate, hate, HATE the lifestyle that not being good at anything gets you.
