What if it's not me?

[Red_Wedding_Casualty]

So...... here I am again.

If you followed my last thread, I was given radio silence from a girl I liked that I'd developed a friendship with for almost a year. Recently, we began talking. And our conversations had touched on more intimate topics than they had previously. This week, she'd apparently gone out to tea with two old friends and some guy she'd met online. I asked where she met the guy from. She hasn't responded. This more or less sums up my chances of ever having my feelings reciprocated. Not only that, but merely asking that question most likely destroyed the friendship right there. I now have few people to turn to. My friends have heard all this before from me. So I dare not test their patience again. And even here, the general response to people like me is 'nut the fresia up or shut the fresia up' (in more polite words obviously).

So, I accepted defeat, and trawled the internet for articles and columns on why I am the way I am. Then I came across a comment to an article that I'd never considered before(or atleast didn't want to consider until now). I am not the only one going through this. Far from it. There are hundreds of millions of single men and women around the world. Most of them want to find romantic partners. Very few actually can. Why is this? Too often we look at ourselves when it comes to our love lives, or lack thereof, all the while ignoring the bigger picture. What if it's not me? What if I, and others like me are merely victims of ever changing social and economic trends?

I mean, think about it. Back my parent's day, when there was a high demand for unskilled labour, every aspect of society was geared towards the family unit, as it was essential for a continued supply of able-bodied workers. Fast forward to today. Thanks to advances in technology, what once took many to do can now be done by only a few. Meanwhile, awareness of climate change sees that the need for major construction is met with fierce resistance from environmental issues. All of this equates to the economy no longer needing such a large workforce anymore, resulting in the family unit losing the social support it once had. While it no longer has need for a large workforce, it does still need alot of consumers, perhaps more so than ever. And that's where my situation suddenly becomes useful to the global economy.

I never saw much my mum and stepdad's finances, but I do know that even with me paying board and half an electricity bill, they were barely banking a fraction of their earnings. My mother works full time admin, while my stepdad is trying to run two businesses. I've been renting out of home for three months now, and after monthly expenses are taken into account, I'll easily bank half of my earnings. I merely collect trolleys for 20 hours a week. I can't speak for anyone else, but moving out of home was my 'endgame' as far as life's goals are concerned. From there, it's merely a case of maintaining a nice little rainy day fund incase I need to relocate in a hurry. I have no outstanding loans or mortgages tied to me, which means there's alot of loose change lying around for petty purchases.

You can even see the progression (or regression) in culture over the years. In the 60's and 70's when shows like Happy Days and The Brady Bunch reigned. All of those shows focused on a family unit. Fast forward to the 90's, where we had Seinfeld, Friends, etc. Most of those shows focused on friendships, and whenever a family member did show, that person was portrayed as a dysfunctional mess. Everybody Love Raymond was probably the only notable exception, although it served to exist as a parody of the more wholesome family shows of the decades before it.

...Then we come to today. The TV shows that currently air seem to be almost intentionally repulsive. Meanwhile we're seeing comic book movies gain much more exposure than they have in the past. We've also seen the popularity of video games skyrocket in the mid 00's. Once upon a time ago, these things were considered to be the domain of children and social outcasts. Why now are we seeing these things breaking into mainstream and becoming 'kewl'?

...This could all be the insane ramblings of a chronically lonely guy attempting to deal with a silent rejection through words. If I've gone wrong somewhere with my train of thought, by all means. Call me up on my bullshit. I am here partially, to expose myself to new things and ideas. If I wasn't I'd spend my days being a nuisance on video game sites. [/i]

 

[jaguarundi]

So to summarise, you can't find anyone because of

a) the global economy
b) TV programmes
c)... I give up. Was there a c) ?

Trends and statistics are just that. Individual cases can vary. Meaning, you can, as an individual, buck any trends.

So try.

 

[Red_Wedding_Casualty]

So to summarise, you can't find anyone because of

a) the global economy
b) TV programmes
c)... I give up. Was there a c) ?

Trends and statistics are just that. Individual cases can vary. Meaning, you can, as an individual, buck any trends.

So try.

Well, the point I was trying to make is that TV programs over the years have reflected the ever changing economic needs of society over the years.

....Or that maybe I'm just a raving lunatic, in which case, it's best that I'm kept single for everyone's safety.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

While most might say that I am not one to talk, here is my two cents on the issue. You are grasping at straws here friend. I mean really grasping here blaming media in today's society. Showing or not showing the family unit is not going to create new family units. You very notably skipped over "Full House"(90s Brady Bunch) and "Boy Meets World" (a 90s equivalent to Happy Days). What about the show 7th Heaven? If there was ever a more 20s view of the perfect family unit I would dare you to find one. There are plenty of shows out there that display a family unit. However, that is not the point of entertainment. The point is to be entertained, the other point can be social commentary. I believe that many shows out there have a setting of what is considered an acceptable life for the times. I mean really if you look at TV from the 80s on you will find that romance is a very central theme.

In every show you mentioned from the 90s everyone got laid at some point. Even the crazy eccentric people who appeared to be asexual at times. Everyone found some one from time to time. The difference is that in these shows the characters did not get married and start a family. Instead their close nit circle or surrogate family was their group of friends. Not a person they publicly declared they were going to have sex with. I would venture to say that romance is a far more central theme in even today's "Family Oriented" shows. You have the teenagers wanting to date and you might have an unsatisfied parent who is constantly thinking about leaving or having an affair and stuff like that. So saying that TV is to blame is a pretty poor excuse. Blaming Video Games has a bit move validity.

I have to say a bit more because it is not a lot more. It is more the home video game systems which have caused the problem. With the death of the arcade and the surge in online play. Yes you could say that video games have caused some of the issues. People no longer need to leave to get social interaction. You no longer need to have friends to play video games with. True video games can provide a great distraction. However, there was a time when even video games were more social. I remember going to a near by arcade just to check on my high scores from time to time. I was never lucky enough to be watched by people as I play a game and get a high score, because I was pretty poor back in the day, but I still got around and was known by a few school mates as a gamer. However, that does not mean that Romance is still not pretty central in video games.

There are still plenty of games which are centered around violence and destruction in a dying world where there is a romantic interest. There were plenty of franchises that forced romantic interests into the games as well. Take Sonic the Hedgehog, once his games became popular he received a fangirl/love interest. In a lot of online games today you can have the equivalent of getting married. You can do so much stuff in these games it is ridiculous. Even putting all that stuff aside there are plenty of video game conferences which people who love video games can come together and play together and meet each other. I have met people who base their life around going to video game/anime conventions. They have tons of friends and romantic interests or are married or something like that. So really it is a stretch to blame video games.

I think that the problem we have lies with us. Those of us who suck at finding romance are doing something wrong. I have not really identified what I am doing wrong. Instead of I have identified that such a thing as romance requires more effort and stress than enjoyment so there is no reason to waste my time. You do not believe this which is just fine as well. Maybe instead of finding new things to blame, why not observe successful people? We all know at least one or two of these people. Observe everything about them and try and figure out what they are doing differently. After all, they are successful and we are not. There are plenty of books on the psychology of dating and stuff like that why not look at those? I mean it could be something simple like your body language or your grooming. Who knows exactly what it might be that you are doing wrong. However, why not try and figure that out? After all you seem to believe that this is a worth while endeavor. The hardest thing in the world to do is to admit that maybe you have screwed things up not the world.

 

[Red_Wedding_Casualty]

While most might say that I am not one to talk, here is my two cents on the issue. You are grasping at straws here friend. I mean really grasping here blaming media in today's society. Showing or not showing the family unit is not going to create new family units. You very notably skipped over "Full House"(90s Brady Bunch) and "Boy Meets World" (a 90s equivalent to Happy Days). What about the show 7th Heaven? If there was ever a more 20s view of the perfect family unit I would dare you to find one. There are plenty of shows out there that display a family unit. However, that is not the point of entertainment. The point is to be entertained, the other point can be social commentary. I believe that many shows out there have a setting of what is considered an acceptable life for the times. I mean really if you look at TV from the 80s on you will find that romance is a very central theme.

You mentioned social commentary. This is what I was trying to explain with those shows, in that they merely echoed social norms, they never set them. I should have made that alittle clearer with my words, but I never intended to blame the TV shows themselves for setting the standards. The rest of your reply also makes some valid arguments.

I think that the problem we have lies with us. Those of us who suck at finding romance are doing something wrong. I have not really identified what I am doing wrong. Instead of I have identified that such a thing as romance requires more effort and stress than enjoyment so there is no reason to waste my time. You do not believe this which is just fine as well. Maybe instead of finding new things to blame, why not observe successful people? We all know at least one or two of these people. Observe everything about them and try and figure out what they are doing differently. After all, they are successful and we are not. There are plenty of books on the psychology of dating and stuff like that why not look at those? I mean it could be something simple like your body language or your grooming. Who knows exactly what it might be that you are doing wrong. However, why not try and figure that out? After all you seem to believe that this is a worth while endeavor. The hardest thing in the world to do is to admit that maybe you have screwed things up not the world.

Here's the thing. I know alot of successful people in my life. Or at least successful as far as finding companionship goes. They'll all tell me the same things: Have confidence, be yourself, etc, etc Like it's all just as a simple as clicking a finger. They've been selling me the spiel for years now, and it's gotten me nowhere. I've proven that I'm unable to even comprehend that being confident is as simple as a clicking of fingers, let alone able to put it into practice. As a thinker, I always get myself stuck on the how and why.

About considering romance as a waste of time. Funnily enough, I actually trained myself to think like this too. Took me a while, but I got good at it. Then I met the girl, and my emotional walls became undone. I got delusional, and I forgot my place. While I didn't get myself to the point where I'd dare make a move, false hope and prospects tugged alot at my heartstrings.

In hindsight, I can say without a doubt that I...... never want to feel that again. So I'm following the no contact rule. Maybe in that time, I can rebuild those emotional defenses I once had.

 

[VanillaCreme]

A lot of this sounds like the whole "society doesn't have a place for someone like me" type deal, and I honestly can't make much true sense out of any of it. I have no idea what television shows have anything to do with romance, and the fact that you believe you have a place to forget like you're a servant in 1764 is quite head scratching to me. What about clearing away all of the bullshit and stop thinking that just because someone sells you any spiel that you have to follow it. You don't. You chose to listen, and perhaps some of those things didn't, and still don't, work out like you would want them to.

 

[Red_Wedding_Casualty]

A lot of this sounds like the whole "society doesn't have a place for someone like me"

Quite the opposite. Society DOES have a place for me. Just so happens that it doesn't involve me being with a significant other.

type deal, and I honestly can't make much true sense out of any of it. I have no idea what television shows have anything to do with romance...

AFrozenSoul said what I was trying to say-that the TV shows. In that they were merely subliminal social commentary for what was considered to be acceptable for those times. I'm sorry if I didn't word that correctly. I really, really, REALLY am.....

..... and the fact that you believe you have a place to forget like you're a servant in 1764 is quite head scratching to me. What about clearing away all of the bullshit and stop thinking that just because someone sells you any spiel that you have to follow it. You don't. You chose to listen, and perhaps some of those things didn't, and still don't, work out like you would want them to.

Well, yeah. You're right. The whole 'be confident/yourself' thing wasn't working for me. And I very much doubt it ever will given the way my brain works at this stage in my life. Infact, if I've learnt anything over the past year with this girl, it's that keeping an emotional barrier up was working far better for my sanity than attempting to fake confidence. And that's kind of where I need the bullshit. I can't rebuild those emotional barriers out of nothing. I can however do this with bullshit. And bullshit makes for a great foundation to build a massive fort around my feelings. Wouldn't you agree?

 

[VanillaCreme]

A lot of this sounds like the whole "society doesn't have a place for someone like me"

Quite the opposite. Society DOES have a place for me. Just so happens that it doesn't involve me being with a significant other.

Until you happen to have a significant other.

..... and the fact that you believe you have a place to forget like you're a servant in 1764 is quite head scratching to me. What about clearing away all of the bullshit and stop thinking that just because someone sells you any spiel that you have to follow it. You don't. You chose to listen, and perhaps some of those things didn't, and still don't, work out like you would want them to.

Well, yeah. You're right. The whole 'be confident/yourself' thing wasn't working for me. And I very much doubt it ever will given the way my brain works at this stage in my life. Infact, if I've learnt anything over the past year with this girl, it's that keeping an emotional barrier up was working far better for my sanity than attempting to fake confidence. And that's kind of where I need the bullshit. I can't rebuild those emotional barriers out of nothing. I can however do this with bullshit. And bullshit makes for a great foundation to build a massive fort around my feelings. Wouldn't you agree?

I understand where you're coming from, 100% ... I just don't agree with it. I think bullshit is an excuse. And I really think that building any barriers or walls is just a revolving reason as to why you don't want to become close to anyone. I really hope that you meet someone, be it friend or romantic interest, that breaks down that need for you to do that. I think everyone should have that someone in their life that they don't have to bullshit with.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

You mentioned social commentary. This is what I was trying to explain with those shows, in that they merely echoed social norms, they never set them. I should have made that alittle clearer with my words, but I never intended to blame the TV shows themselves for setting the standards. The rest of your reply also makes some valid arguments.

Well there is also a case that could be made for the Brady Bunch being against having a huge family or worse having step siblings of breeding age. In all reality there is no reason to believe that seeing a family is going to make you want to have a family. I mean I choke back bile every time people worship imminent reproduction on TV. For me shows with families in them give me more than enough reasons to not have a family. Especially given the time frame that the Brady Bunch was aired. I would say that plenty of people would see their life as a nightmare.

I can agree that fictional works might emphasize that we do not need to rush into everything. However, that is because of many other factors in life such as life expectancy, fertility clinics, and other advances like that. These days we have tools to combat lowered fertility and we live much longer lives. A lot of people want to enjoy their life before they bring in another person into their life. That is a very common message these days. Is that a bad thing... maybe... maybe not. It is hard to say one way or another. True this reality does not always take into account my lack of ability to attract a mate. However, we have to ask the question of how much of that is my fault and how much of that is external to me.

So I feel your attack on media is really unwarranted and... well unfounded. Media encourages sexual relationships and fast intense romance. In many ways romance is the core of a lot of fiction. It is REALLY hard to find a TV show, novel, comic whatever that does not have romance in one form or another. The only one that comes to mind for me is Batman... and even then there is romance for Batman. There is much less but it gets sprinkled in.

Here's the thing. I know alot of successful people in my life. Or at least successful as far as finding companionship goes. They'll all tell me the same things: Have confidence, be yourself, etc, etc Like it's all just as a simple as clicking a finger. They've been selling me the spiel for years now, and it's gotten me nowhere. I've proven that I'm unable to even comprehend that being confident is as simple as a clicking of fingers, let alone able to put it into practice. As a thinker, I always get myself stuck on the how and why.

No no no you are not listening to me. "Asking" them and "Observing" them are two different things. The problem with asking them is that they will tell you what they want to believe is true. Yes some of it might be true, BUT most of it will be partial truths. So instead of just asking them what they are doing go out and be social with them. Then be the creepy stalker when they are flirting. Observe everything, body language, physical contact, eye contact, facial expressions EVERYTHING. Also ask new questions to them. Make them think critically, give them a hard time. For instance ask that person to tell you how to get a female speaking to you and wanting to continue speaking to you. Have mock conversations, make them show you what you do not know. Do not be afraid to remove the fantasy from the human mating rituals.

On a side note, confidence is easy enough to fake even if you do not have any. Look like you take care of yourself, smile, and lie about how much you actually suck. In fact there are very simple things you can do to make it not a lie. For instance, list the reasons why you are awesome or interesting.I promise you most therapists will start there. Make it a daily ritual. Lie enough and that lie can become reality.

About considering romance as a waste of time. Funnily enough, I actually trained myself to think like this too. Took me a while, but I got good at it. Then I met the girl, and my emotional walls became undone. I got delusional, and I forgot my place. While I didn't get myself to the point where I'd dare make a move, false hope and prospects tugged alot at my heartstrings.

In hindsight, I can say without a doubt that I...... never want to feel that again. So I'm following the no contact rule. Maybe in that time, I can rebuild those emotional defenses I once had.

We all go through delusions sometimes that is just part of life. As long as you learn from the past and grow it is okay to screw up. Your no contact rule is one way to go about things. However, there are plenty of other things to take home from such an experience as well. For instance, was your sexual interest apparent or clouded under a bunch of pretending to be the nice guy? Did you go straight for being friends or were you making it obvious your interest was romantic? People love to have those lines in their life. Often times I find that those of us with this problem create something great for the other person that is torture for ourselves. We fall madly in love with the acceptance we get from this person instead of seeking more or "Playing the Game". You mentioned you were a thinker, but you are not taking a very thoughtful process to figuring these things out. Why not seek out a new view that is much more grounded in reality than staying in the clouds of obliviousness.

I find that overall confusion and apathy piss people off enough to keep them away from you. Still to quote Butters from South Park, "If I feel this bad then I must have felt something really good". Though I am not one to talk, just saying that it is food for thought.