what is the point anymore

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nhk

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I think it's time for me to change my plan from trying to find love, to giving up. Life is SO FREAKING DRAINING. On top of ALL the pain that life has to give to people, on top of all the bullying, and the self-depreciation, and the lack of empathy, and the emotional pain, it is next to impossible for me to find someone who loves me. I am 18 years old, and I have never held a girl's hand, never been told "I love you", never gotten a kiss, never gone to prom, never gone on a date, never cuddled, nothing. People my age have gone even further, but I am always the little brother and the cute little boy. No one wants to spend time with me. I get that I'm so unconfident that you might feel awkward around me, but for god's sake is it really THAT BAD? I'm just shy!!!! I'm not a bomb!! Jesus Christ.
I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to be loved by someone. I just want to wake up, and when I feel sad, I remember the soft voice of someone telling me she loves me and cares about me in my head, and that will give me the strength to cheer up. I just want to not be all alone every day, and maybe have someone to cuddle with and watch a movie, or talk about our favorite things, or be there for each other in our lowest moments, or just a loving person to hold hands with and hang out, like couples do. I'm not head over heels for sex, I just want LOVE! I'm so dried out living every second of my life in bitterness and lovelorn. I'm tired of seeing the same two girls EVERY DAY because I told them I liked them and they told me they wanted to be friends. I'm tired of struggling through social and public life, seeing happy couples basking in each others' love, holding hands and laughing, going out for a bite to eat, shopping for groceries, going out in the car, and I'm just-- there. crying every single night of my life. waking up and sleeping with a constant reminder that all I'm good for is someone to laugh at and hurt, always alone, always hoping for the hopeless.
If I could just lose my ability to form a crush on anyone, nobody would be able to hurt me anymore. I would be able to live happily, even though I cannot find love to save my life. and then this haunting, gloomy and dark loneliness would finally leave me alone. I want to go away.
 

roses4all

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Hi! Welcome to the forums!

I had my first relationship at 21. Before that, I DEFINITELY wasn't interested. None of my friends were interested either. We played sports... like pick up baseball and soccer. And I was into theatre. When I think back to highschool at age 18, most people were not dating. Most didn't want to...

I also know people who chose not to date until they finished college. They didn't want to take the chance on drama or a painful break up... and they chose to give their time to their studies.

Hang in there... there will be more people in your 20's.
 

Yeti1980

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My friend, to begin with you're 18. No need to panic or make life long decisions just yet. Just go steady and don't worry yourself about a supposed lack of relationships. It's pretty much a guarantee that none of your peers are in life long relationships or anything like that, you still have time to find yours.

The most important thing is to be positive. If you're negative it's a big turn off, positivity often brings positive results. Negativity is a spiral that doesn't help with your goals.

All the best to you.
 

McW

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Young man, you are soooooo young. It will happen in time, stop looking for it and it will land in your lap, just live your life for yourself right now.
 

nhk

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Hi! Welcome to the forums!

I had my first relationship at 21. Before that, I DEFINITELY wasn't interested. None of my friends were interested either. We played sports... like pick up baseball and soccer. And I was into theatre. When I think back to highschool at age 18, most people were not dating. Most didn't want to...

I also know people who chose not to date until they finished college. They didn't want to take the chance on drama or a painful break up... and they chose to give their time to their studies.

Hang in there... there will be more people in your 20's.
I know it makes sense to wait until you're 20 something for your first time, i just wish i could forget about it until then. Every time I tell myself it will be okay and that one day I will find what I'm looking for, the loneliness washes back unto me the second I see anyone I'm even REMOTELY attracted to (and that is very easy) Thank you though, I will try, one day this pain will be behind me
 
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I will advise you to mentally prepare yourself for a difficult time ahead. If possible try to force yourself into being confident even if that means being a dick. Get really good at something, anything. Figure out how to gain confidence while you are still young. Being older with no confidence puts you at the bottom of the pile.
 

roses4all

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I know it makes sense to wait until you're 20 something for your first time, i just wish i could forget about it until then. Every time I tell myself it will be okay and that one day I will find what I'm looking for, the loneliness washes back unto me the second I see anyone I'm even REMOTELY attracted to (and that is very easy) Thank you though, I will try, one day this pain will be behind me
Hi nhk

I just want to clarify... I wasn't suggesting you wait for a relationship. Personally, I think, if you meet someone,... go for it.

The point that I was trying to make is that the dating pool is smaller at 18, 19, 20... because some people are abstaining from relationships.
The dating pool will be larger when you are in your 20's.

I understand lonely. My psychologist suggested volunteering. Her opinion is that volunteering is the best way to fight loneliness.
 

nhk

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Hi nhk

I just want to clarify... I wasn't suggesting you wait for a relationship. Personally, I think, if you meet someone,... go for it.

The point that I was trying to make is that the dating pool is smaller at 18, 19, 20... because some people are abstaining from relationships.
The dating pool will be larger when you are in your 20's.

I understand lonely. My psychologist suggested volunteering. Her opinion is that volunteering is the best way to fight loneliness.
come to think of it, I've mostly either been told "i'm not looking for a relationship" or "let's just be friends" when I try, so maybe that has truth to it-- I've always just thought that was a girl's way of politely declining (even though it would've been fine if they just told me they weren't interested in me, then I wouldn't have any confusion at all)
Okay. Hopefully I won't be afraid to have some hope with anyone I meet (that I believe is open for a chance) and if I get shut down again, hopefully I can heal and not lose too much confidence in myself.
Thank you so much for listening to me by the way-- You have no idea how much it means to me to be assured that people care how I feel and want me to be happy. I want you, wherever you are, to know that you have greatly improved someone's day and helped them heal from the bouts of loneliness and anguish this world has to offer in truckloads
 

nhk

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I will advise you to mentally prepare yourself for a difficult time ahead. If possible try to force yourself into being confident even if that means being a dick. Get really good at something, anything. Figure out how to gain confidence while you are still young. Being older with no confidence puts you at the bottom of the pile.
I know having no confidence puts you at the bottom of the pile, it's one of the things that keep me up at night. It's my biggest stressor in life. I've grown up being put down and bullied/disrespected and disregarded all my life. It still happens to this day. Sometimes I feel like I'm just not cut out to be anyone's boyfriend at all.

climbing out of low self esteem is way harder that you would think, especially when it has become a part of your identity. However, I will try my hardest to work (first and foremost) on my confidence. I don't want to remain at the bottom of the barrel just because I'm shy, but at the same time I don't want to be mean to people/ be a dick. I just wish it was easy to believe in yourself
 

roses4all

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come to think of it, I've mostly either been told "i'm not looking for a relationship" or "let's just be friends" when I try, so maybe that has truth to it-- I've always just thought that was a girl's way of politely declining

I've grown up being put down and bullied/disrespected and disregarded all my life. It still happens to this day.
when a guy expresses interest in me, I have 4 go-to answers
1) sure. Sounds good.
2) I'm not looking for a relationship. (This has been true at various times in my life.)
3)I'd like to be friends.
4) no thanks

There is a difference between ''let's be friends' and 'no thanks'. If I ask to be friends, I find the guy interesting, maybe fun. Certainly the OPPOSITE of a put down, being disregarded or disrespected. If I say ''no thanks'', I really don't want him in my life (lots of reasons: I think he comes with drama, he is a player, he is mean, he lives too far away, we have nothing in common... or I am protecting a relationship that I am in).

If someone wants to be your friend and spend time with you, she values you. And she is going to be seen with you in public... she respects you and thinks others will respect you, you are worthy of respect in her eyes.

I also think that you are not seeing an opportunity here... females have female friends. So, if you have female friends, you will meet their friends. And one of them could find you interesting for dating. Furthermore, your friends would tell her that you are a good guy... and that vouching goes a long way with women.
 

nhk

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when a guy expresses interest in me, I have 4 go-to answers
1) sure. Sounds good.
2) I'm not looking for a relationship. (This has been true at various times in my life.)
3)I'd like to be friends.
4) no thanks

There is a difference between ''let's be friends' and 'no thanks'. If I ask to be friends, I find the guy interesting, maybe fun. Certainly the OPPOSITE of a put down, being disregarded or disrespected. If I say ''no thanks'', I really don't want him in my life (lots of reasons: I think he comes with drama, he is a player, he is mean, he lives too far away, we have nothing in common... or I am protecting a relationship that I am in).

If someone wants to be your friend and spend time with you, she values you. And she is going to be seen with you in public... she respects you and thinks others will respect you, you are worthy of respect in her eyes.

I also think that you are not seeing an opportunity here... females have female friends. So, if you have female friends, you will meet their friends. And one of them could find you interesting for dating. Furthermore, your friends would tell her that you are a good guy... and that vouching goes a long way with women.
That gives me a lot of confidence, I never saw friend zones that way-- I think a lot of guys need to hear this too
 
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I know having no confidence puts you at the bottom of the pile, it's one of the things that keep me up at night. It's my biggest stressor in life. I've grown up being put down and bullied/disrespected and disregarded all my life. It still happens to this day. Sometimes I feel like I'm just not cut out to be anyone's boyfriend at all.

climbing out of low self esteem is way harder that you would think, especially when it has become a part of your identity. However, I will try my hardest to work (first and foremost) on my confidence. I don't want to remain at the bottom of the barrel just because I'm shy, but at the same time I don't want to be mean to people/ be a dick. I just wish it was easy to believe in yourself
I know exactly how hard it is to climb out of low self esteem. I still need to do it. I used to hit and cut myself because I knew that I was just a piece of shit and I deserved to be in pain. I did not deserve to feel good or be happy. Besides, the physical pain was so much easier to deal with then the emotional pain. But, it becomes very draining after doing it for decades.

I just had no value to anybody. While I no longer hit myself, I still tell myself I'm a piece of shit several times a week. I know it's wrong to do that and that I shouldn't. But, after a lifetime of doing that it's hard to stop. That's why I want to impress on you to do it while you are still young. Your brain and mind are still forming. YOU CAN STILL SUCCEED!!! The effort you put in now will save you so much work and failure later on.

I am unwanted in the real world except for doing other people's work. I had to fake confidence most of my working career. I got pretty good at it too. Well, until I just couldn't deal with the stress of doing that any more. Now my confidence comes from anger. I am confident when someone messes with me IRL because I know I will get them back 10 times over. It's not difficult to do when you don't give a shit about yourself. If someone kicks my ass I do not care. It's not over for me. I will keep coming at them and I will get them. Fix yourself, get help, do whatever it takes so you don't become me decades from now.
 
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when a guy expresses interest in me, I have 4 go-to answers
1) sure. Sounds good.
2) I'm not looking for a relationship. (This has been true at various times in my life.)
3)I'd like to be friends.
4) no thanks
No disrespect intended. I just want to explain what guys with low self esteem hear when those words are said. It has nothing to do with you or how you say those words:

1) Shit! Is she crazy? Is she messing with me? Why would she said yes to me? There must be something wrong with her. She's just saying yes because she doesn't want to be confrontational. But, when the time comes for an actual date she'll say no or she'll say she's busy.
2) Great another no. Why do I bother. I'm such an idiot. I bet she'd have a relationship with so and so.
3) Sure, sure you do. That's what the other women said that didn't have enough guts to be honest. They all ghosted me.
4) Yep. Another no as expected. Damn it.
 

nhk

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I know exactly how hard it is to climb out of low self esteem. I still need to do it. I used to hit and cut myself because I knew that I was just a piece of shit and I deserved to be in pain. I did not deserve to feel good or be happy. Besides, the physical pain was so much easier to deal with then the emotional pain. But, it becomes very draining after doing it for decades.

I just had no value to anybody. While I no longer hit myself, I still tell myself I'm a piece of shit several times a week. I know it's wrong to do that and that I shouldn't. But, after a lifetime of doing that it's hard to stop. That's why I want to impress on you to do it while you are still young. Your brain and mind are still forming. YOU CAN STILL SUCCEED!!! The effort you put in now will save you so much work and failure later on.

I am unwanted in the real world except for doing other people's work. I had to fake confidence most of my working career. I got pretty good at it too. Well, until I just couldn't deal with the stress of doing that any more. Now my confidence comes from anger. I am confident when someone messes with me IRL because I know I will get them back 10 times over. It's not difficult to do when you don't give a shit about yourself. If someone kicks my ass I do not care. It's not over for me. I will keep coming at them and I will get them. Fix yourself, get help, do whatever it takes so you don't become me decades from now.
thank you so much-- It's sad that everyone here is sad and is going through such pain, but at least we're all here for each other. This is a wonderful site.
 

nhk

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No disrespect intended. I just want to explain what guys with low self esteem hear when those words are said. It has nothing to do with you or how you say those words:

1) Shit! Is she crazy? Is she messing with me? Why would she said yes to me? There must be something wrong with her. She's just saying yes because she doesn't want to be confrontational. But, when the time comes for an actual date she'll say no or she'll say she's busy.
2) Great another no. Why do I bother. I'm such an idiot. I bet she'd have a relationship with so and so.
3) Sure, sure you do. That's what the other women said that didn't have enough guts to be honest. They all ghosted me.
4) Yep. Another no as expected. Damn it.
Yeah, these are all pretty accurate for the average guy-- but at least you can tell from the people that friendzoned you that they actually want to be your friend, even if you think they'll abandon you
 
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thank you so much-- It's sad that everyone here is sad and is going through such pain, but at least we're all here for each other. This is a wonderful site.
The hope that many of us have, especially me, is that others can find strength and help from this site to over come their short comings. You are not alone. There are all kinds of things to try. Take time to read about them on the Internet and actually try them. Somethings might work for you.
 

roses4all

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No disrespect intended. I just want to explain what guys with low self esteem hear when those words are said. It has nothing to do with you or how you say those words:

1) Shit! Is she crazy? Is she messing with me? Why would she said yes to me? There must be something wrong with her. She's just saying yes because she doesn't want to be confrontational. But, when the time comes for an actual date she'll say no or she'll say she's busy.
2) Great another no. Why do I bother. I'm such an idiot. I bet she'd have a relationship with so and so.
3) Sure, sure you do. That's what the other women said that didn't have enough guts to be honest. They all ghosted me.
4) Yep. Another no as expected. Damn it.
hey Finn, you know what a paradox is?

Well, I have one for you.

On this site, you have shown your intelligence in the games and in your thoughtful responses to other people. You have shown your intelligence in your career and the things you fix and figure out how to fix. I mean, really... you built a house ! That takes all kinds of intelligence... making the technical plans... choosing materials... the actually building... perseverence to complete the project... just one of these things is a WOW factor. All together is MEGA WOW FACTOR !

And you are funny... so many people give you the laughing emoji.... often, often often.

Have you checked your reaction score.... it's 1,594 !!!!!! That is 1,594 times that someone appreciated you !

or in other words
1,594 times that someone held you in estime.


And you care about people... look at all you did for Colster. I also hold you in high estime for your caring. And you are trying to give this guy a hand up too. More caring. Another reason to hold you in high estime.
 

ardour

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You're way too young to be catastrophizing over a lack of experience just yet. Many 18 year old's haven't dated. Arguably they are better off without teen entanglements.

Make sure you have an active social life and are working towards something. If your social life is there then chances are this will change very soon. You shouldn't be panicking until about 25.
 
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TropicalStarfish

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Before you read any of what I have to say, just know, that my opinion is one that: you should make up your mind about things, seek your own answers, and come to your own conclusions. With that said, here's what I have to say..

A long time ago, in a pretty strange way, it was put to me to, 'avoid women and acquire currency.' lol. Very simple advice, and probably good advice too.

And, another time, I some how managed (in my early 30's at college) to finally get the courage up to ask a girl out, after the semester had finished. I literally waited till the very last moment, before I knew my chance to be in her proximity again, would be gone. She rejected me, I know that, I some how can't recall fully, in what way, now; but, i believe she had a boyfriend or something, but she offered to be friends. I was so humiliated and felt so rejected, I just rejected that offer and wanted to get away from her as quickly as I could, heh. I didn't take it well and was quite embarrassed. She was a real sweet heart about it though, very nice to me, told me, "it's good that you asked." I was fortunate enough, to A: get an offer of friendship, and after turning that down, B: be reminded and told the importance of having courage and taking action (asking her out). So, I was pretty lucky, really.

So my points here, for you, since you are younger, is, don't turn your nose up at offers for friendship. Have you ever seen a guy, hanging out with 3 women at the same time, and thought, 'man it must suck to be him?' Truth be told, in some ways it can, heh; but, the point is, having 5 girls who are all friends, isn't necessarily going to be a bad thing. And having women as friends, means, they are likely to have other women as friends; and women tend to be more social, so that's chances, to get out and meet other women, perhaps, etc.. There's a lot you can learn from women, who are respectable and worthy friends.

However, just be careful with yourself. I don't believe in the, 'friend-zone,' type stuff a lot of people talk about; but, if you set your expectations up, and end up waiting for months or years, whether what you truly want comes or not, may be a let down. So, all that stuff can be avoided, by... Sort of, 'ignoring,' women a bit, and focusing on yourself and/or the larger world that surrounds you. Some flowers bloom often and quite quickly, others take some time.

Improving your character, improving your physique, learning a trade, learning a skill, learning an instrument, a new language, having novel experiences, etc., these are confidence boosters, because, when you attain mastery in something, it tells the world, "I'm useful, I'm capable, I'm competent." It may even tell the world, "I have something you want, that you don't currently have." And, having read up on confidence, at the scientific level, in a scrutinized fashion, I can tell you, at least for me, being the, 'confident one,' is NOT where you want to be. Confidence does not equal competence. There's a lot of very, very confident people, who don't know a damn thing about what they are doing and/or talking about. But a skillfull person, whether they are recognized or not, is capable of things.

All of that is very easy to say, and I'll temper such advice and opinions by saying, I'm in my midlife now, and don't have a darn thing figured out; but, I will tell you, between your age and mine, there was a LOT of life to live, so, take heart, and explore the vast world around you. It can be sharp, have hard edges, be tough, be cruel some times, and of course, it is NOT fair; but, our better selves would all agree, it's quite beautiful some times.

And as far as simply asking women out, some guys will make a point of just asking out 100 women, and, if they get one simple, yes, then, it's gold. There's all kinds of approaches, and for some, it's just about persistence. I'm not that big of a masochist, heh; but, there's allll kinds of ways to maneuver one's position in this world.

So, avoid despair, if you can. I just finished watching an interview with Sylvester Stalone. I'm pretty sure, all of his films, are conveyances of worthy life lessons. So, stay keen, stay aware.

And enjoy yourself too, if you can. Life, is a musical thing. You gotta dance some times; dig that jazz.
 
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