What Using Drugs And Alcohol To Mask My Pain Did To My Life

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LoneKiller

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Hi viewers.:) I hope long posts don't hurt your eyes.

I want to share this with all of you. I've wanted to share this with you all for quite some time now, but was afraid that the content would be embarrassing and too graphic. However, if there is a chance that my words might help someone, then it's worth it.

Everything in here is the absolute truth. I have no reason to embellish on this. I won't need to. What I'm about to write is what happened to my life when I made a serious mistake in the efforts to find relief from my psychological problems.

My first experience with drug and alcohol abuse began when I was in high school. Up until then, I had a pretty average life. Made some friends in high school and having the blessing of a family who loved me.

Sadly, I began to start experiencing thoughts of a disgusting and disturbing nature. Thoughts to the point where it **** near drove me to committing suicide. I told my parents about these thoughts, and they were concerned but felt that they would run their course and soon I would be free of those horrendous thoughts. No such luck.

After I told my parents that they weren't going away, but were only getting more and more graphic, they sent me to a psychiatrist. The doctor was overworked because he wasn't a private psychiatrist. He had so many patients to see every day that it really cut into the amount of time that he could spend with each patient.

He tried to explain that they are just thoughts, not reality and couldn't hurt me if I didn't obsess on them. Easy for him to say. These were not your average thoughts. They were taking an extreme
toll on me physically and mentally. Thoughts that were very gruesome in nature.

I would have thoughts about murdering people and animals then doing "Snow Angels" in their blood like kids do in snow. I would imagine taking someone's life using a syringe filled with paint thinner by stabbing them in the throat injecting them with the paint thinner.

My parents were at a loss. They had no way to fix this pain and were left feeling helpless. Not knowing where to turn, I started using alcohol and drugs to mask my pain. It was awesome. Getting drunk and high made me feel like I was on top of the world.

For almost a year it was bliss. Much to my chagrin, I started developing a tolerance to the drugs and alcohol requiring more and more to achieve the desired effects. Because of this, another problem developed. Money. I had no job and couldn't afford to support my habit.

An addiction can turn a person into a liar and a thief real quick. My parents knew of this substance abuse. Because they love me, they would give me money when they had it knowing full well that I was going to drink it all away. They weren't doing me any favors, but it's a natural thing for parents to help heal their child. They felt that by financing my habit it would prevent me from selling my things or stealing to support my habit. It didn't matter. They were just doing what they thought was right.

When they had to stop giving me money because they needed it for bills and stuff, I began to steal from them. I sold my mom's rings and my father's tools to get the money I needed to get my fix. It would bother me at first stealing from the people who loved me so much, but that's one of the truly saddest parts of addiction.

Addiction over time can suppress your conscience which results in not giving a fresia about anyone's feelings or actions. Your entire life becomes all about getting high and drunk. Anything to not have to feel the pain you are in. When you are an addict, everyday life becomes an inconvenience.

After some time the abuse started to contribute to the initial problem that I was using drugs to escape from to begin with. I wasn't even getting high or drunk anymore. I had to use just to feel normal. Because of the extreme depression, I made an attempt on my life but failed. After I cut my wrist, I became very scared of dying all of a sudden and didn't want to, so I ran upstairs to my mother with blood all over myself.

She immediately woke my father up and got him to drive me to the hospital. Sadly, I remember everything. I've never been for a ride in a car so fast in my life. When we arrived at the hospital my father was shaking and trembling so bad from concern and worry, the attending doctor offered him meds to help calm him down. He actually refused!

They stitched me up and admitted me to the psychiatric ward. I was there for a period of a couple of months. Wouldn't you know it, the same shrink that told me the thoughts were just thoughts was there. He started singing a different tune when he saw my injury. Just thoughts right?

I tried to tell them the reason why I began using. They just kept coming back with their beliefs that my problems stemmed from substance abuse. Can you ******* believe that?! No matter what I said, they kept attributing it to the using. What a ******* frustrating
situation. I was getting very, very upset and desperate for a way to get through to these people.

After I was discharged from the hospital with a prescription for Zoloft
they had me come in on an outpatient system to keep on top of everything. They told me that the meds would take a week or two to build up effective levels in my system. Being excited about this, me and my folks were on cloud 9. I was clean and sober for a few months, then it all unraveled.

My parents were so happy that I was doing so well, I had to go upstairs and break the news to them that my thoughts were coming back. The looks on their faces broke my ******* heart. Seeing both parents begin to cry just made me want to pick up a gun and blow my ******* head right off.

I went back downstairs and proceeded to slash my forearms deeply with a razor blade. The icing on the Goddamn cake! Guess where my poor father had to drive me to again? The doctor stapled my biggest gashes and stitched the smaller ones. I was in complete disbelief and
feeling like such a burden on my parents and society.

They didn't admit me again, but did increase the dosage of the Zoloft
and sent me home. What a waste of time. The Zoloft no matter what dosage they gave me failed, so I ended up relapsing after so much hard work getting clean. I figured that the meds weren't working so fresia 'em I thought. I relapsed back into substance abuse.

After making that critical decision, my loved one's concern and sympathy turned into anger and frustration on an unimaginable scale. At this point, the chances of me getting a dime out of them were as good as me beating Michael Jordan in a game of 1 on 1. Wasn't going to happen.

They locked up their jewelry, cash, and prescriptions in a strong box.
This lead me to start borrowing money from people outside of my family. I ripped off so many good people, I'm still ashamed to this very day. One fella from church was kind enough to loan me $200 because I told him that I needed it for medication and some old debts. Of course I never payed him back.

Once all of the people who loaned me money got wind that I was using, they stopped lending me money and disassociated themselves from me. Looking back I can understand. After borrowing and ripping off good and decent people to the point were they wouldn't even accept a phone call from me, but I was an addict and thought: "..fresia them.." I started thinking of other ways to get money. This is where my life became a dire situation of the greatest magnitude.

I started selling my possessions that I swore up and down would never do. At first, I sold my leather jackets, my ring that my grandmother gave me, then all of my gaming consoles and games. I tried to sell my cable box but nobody would buy it. My VCR was sold, and lastly, my yellow Sony Sports Walkman. All I had left in my room was my television, cable box and my bed.

My parents sent me to rehab. They felt that if I spent a couple of months there, I would dry out and come out a stronger man again and start working on staying clean and alive. The rehab facility was awful. Due to lack of funding this place was nothing like the way it should be. No doctor was there anymore, just a couple of nurses
other people who gave lectures on abuse and life.

In that place, it was easier to get drugs than on the Goddamn street! I couldn't believe it! I was caught using and was discharged.
My whole world was disintegrating at a rapid pace. I started becoming very aggressive and hollow. I began to consider stealing from malls and hospitals for medication. It got to the point where I didn't give a fresia anymore. I summoned the courage to steal pills from the hospital and batteries and razor blades from pharmacies.

I was caught by a "FloorWalker" at a local pharmacy and begged them to let me go. After a huge sob story, they decided not press charges, but I was banned from the store humiliated, but some ******* lucky that I had a compassionate store security official who gave me a huge break.

I'm not proud of it, but I was introduced to a drug dealer from a guy I met in rehab. I agreed to be a runner for prescription medication in exchange for weed and acid. One day, I was supposed to deliver some Ativan to a guy in the north end of town. The temptation to pop them myself for a mellow high got the best of me and I didn't deliver them, but took them home instead and abused them for days until they were gone. I never went near that dealer's house again. To this very day, I'm surprised that he didn't come looking for me. It's absolutely amazing what an addict will do for the next high.

I had to find new dealers to get my honeysuckle from. I was a pretty regular customer for weed with one of them. After I got to know her, and earned her trust, I would start asking her to front me the weed and would pay her in a few days, not knowing where to get my money to pay her back. When I couldn't find something to steal, I began to avoid her and started looking for another one to buy from.

Being in the bad parts of town, I met a couple of fellow addicts who had a scam going selling fake LSD. There was some acid around town colored blue, beige, and red. These two knuckleheads and I decided to take brown colored paper, cut it into the size of a hit of acid and spray WD-40 on them and sell it to unsuspecting young inexperienced teens for $5 a hit. They were too stupid, young and afraid to approach us and complain that they weren't getting anything off the supposed acid. The drug dealers around who were selling the real deal, got wind of our little scam.

I've never been beat up so bad in my life. Because of our little scam
around town, nobody trusted any dealer who was selling acid for fear it was fake. They don't take kindly to those who get in the way of their business.

After being too petrified to go near any dealers in town, I now had the problem of finding a way to get high. This is where I began abusing cough syrup, Gravol/Dramamine, vanilla, and mouthwash.
Here Jason goes again. Finding new ways to get high and escape anything unpleasant. It was around this time in my life where my body started to really knock some sense into me for real.

One night I got lucky(Or so I thought)and my mother forgot to put her sleeping medication away. I took around 6 Restoril(Sedative/Hypnotic)Next thing I remember is being at my sister's house pushing and hitting her in a blind haze brought on by the drug. She forgave me because she knew that I wasn't Jason that night. If she had of told her ex husband about it, he would beat my face into hamburger.

I was buying so much cough syrup and Gravol from the closest pharmacy until the pharmacist cut me off because she had reason to believe that I was abusing it. I would just bounce from pharmacy to pharmacy buying up all I could. It got to the point where I had to hop a bus to the other side of town to buy my junk.

I started experiencing extreme pain in my lower back and abdomen.
I had also began losing control of my urinary functions and bowels.
My liver was very inflamed and jaundice was setting in. This was it, I was going to ******* die no two ways about it.

My father one day had to go see the family doctor to get his prescriptions updated. When dad got home he told me that the doctor who was a little livid, asked him to have me come in and see him.

The doctor looked at me and shook his head in disbelief. In my defense, I told him the whole reason that all of this started. Here we go I thought. Another doctor telling me that my condition was spawned from drug abuse. He said no such thing to my surprise.

He instructed me to go home and stay inside away from any temptation for a period of a couple of months, then come back to see him. I'll tell ya, being home for that period of time with no way to get my fix was incredibly difficult. I was suffering from withdrawal symptoms that were brutal.

After the required time of isolation, I returned and spoke with my doctor at length about why I started abusing drugs and liquor to begin with. He prescribed Risperidone. That medication saved my life. I now no longer am suffering to the extent I used to. A family physician prescribes me a medication that usually only psychiatrists prescribe saved me. Well the medication plus a family who loves me
saved me.

In closing, I truly hope that for those of you who may be suffering from what I was, please, please keep this post in mind should you have to endure what I did. Don't use drugs and alcohol to solve your problems. They only create new ones. Should any of you feel like I did and need to talk. you know where I'm at.

Sincerely,
Jason



















 
Not all addicts are the same.
Not everyones recovery are the same.

Most people choses not to work the 12 step
Program...not because it has anything to do
With god or a spiritual program....
Step 8 and 9....make it right for the ones
Ive harmed. Make restitutions to people
That ive harm....even if they themselves.
Hurted me. Clean up my fucken mess.
Its hell of an enlightenment...
It wasnt all about me..me..me.
Be willing to go to any length for my recovery.
Its also a program of actions

My thoughts and feeling wont kill me.
Drinling and use might....
The honeysuckle that i would do to get messed up...
But the many excuses i would come up
With to drag my feet of getting squared
With the people that loves me.


Working Step 4 was easy for me.
" take a fearless inventory of myself"

I have no fucken fears or morals:p
 
Lonesome Crow said:
Not all addicts are the same.
Not everyones recovery are the same.

Most people choses not to work the 12 step
Program...not because it has anything to do
With god or a spiritual program....
Step 8 and 9....make it right for the ones
Ive harmed. Make restitutions to people
That ive harm....even if they themselves.
Hurted me. Clean up my fucken mess.
Its hell of an enlightenment...
It wasnt all about me..me..me.
Be willing to go to any length for my recovery.
Its also a program of actions

My thoughts and feeling wont kill me.
Drinling and use might....
The honeysuckle that i would do to get messed up...
But the many excuses i would come up
With to drag my feet of getting squared
With the people that loves me.


Working Step 4 was easy for me.
" take a fearless inventory of myself"

I have no fucken fears or morals:p

Congratulations LC. I respect your strength.

 
Congratulations LC. I respect your strength.

[/quote]

i turned my will and life over to the care of god a long time ago:p
 
Lonesome Crow said:
Congratulations LC. I respect your strength.

i turned my will and life over to the care of god a long time ago:p
Certainly a lot of power to draw on in times of need. I'm with ya on that one. He's put up with me for a long time.

 
Oh Jason, I knew some of this, but not all of it. You got my tears flowing this morning for sure. I'm so glad that you were able to beat your addictions. I know it was hard, but it is so worth it.
 
Hoffy said:
Oh Jason, I knew some of this, but not all of it. You got my tears flowing this morning for sure. I'm so glad that you were able to beat your addictions. I know it was hard, but it is so worth it.
Thank you Hoffy.

 
I'm speechless Jason. The only thing I can muster up to say is, I'm glad you got out of it.
 
Ak5 said:
I'm speechless Jason. The only thing I can muster up to say is, I'm glad you got out of it.
Thanks man. Thank all of you for your kind words. I'm very blessed to be a part of a forum with decent people such as yourselves. I'm not just saying that. I'm very fortunate.

Godspeed.
Jason



 
Hi Jason,

Wow, that sounds like a journey to hell and back. I'm glad you were finally able to defeat the addiction, and that your family is so wonderful to support you through all of this, despite some of the things you did. I think not all families have the same amount of patience. Your family doctor sounds really smart. I hope your health is better now, and that you can finally move forward with your life. That you were able to come back after going so far with the drug habit, is amazing. Way to go, and congratulations!
 
Stranger said:
Hi Jason,

Wow, that sounds like a journey to hell and back. I'm glad you were finally able to defeat the addiction, and that your family is so wonderful to support you through all of this, despite some of the things you did. I think not all families have the same amount of patience. Your family doctor sounds really smart. I hope your health is better now, and that you can finally move forward with your life. That you were able to come back after going so far with the drug habit, is amazing. Way to go, and congratulations!
Thank you kind "Stranger".:D
Seriously though, thank you very much.

P.S. It's nice to meet you Stranger. thanks again.:)


 
Really My only problem with drugs (aside from coke, meth, ectasy, heroin) is they waste a lot of money and you're always worried about getting caught. In the old days drugs, and especially helucinogens, were used by shamans to communicate with spirits. These are able to plant thoughts in your head which you think are you're own, according to remote viewing expert Tim Rifat. Intoxication increases the chance for this to happen, especially with alchohol. Drunks are the easiest to manipulate, if not posess entirely. A lot of people feel they are not themselves when they are drunk, which may well turn out to be true.

[video=youtube]

The best scientific study of the deceased I have read, suggests that deceased spirits like to get high, and can attach themselves to you to feel that effect.

http://new-birth.net/booklet/30_years_among_the_dead.PDF

Thirty Years Among the Dead
by Dr. Carl A. Wickland, M.D.

Inter-Relationship of the Two Worlds ................................................................................ 2
Psychical Research............................................................................................................ 12
Subconscious Mind and Auto-Suggestion Hypotheses Untenable ................................... 18
Earth Sphere Conditions and the Magnetic Aura.............................................................. 48
Tormenting Spirits & Marriage Disturbances ................................................................... 73
Spirits and Crime............................................................................................................... 93
Spirits and Suicide........................................................................................................... 108
Spirits and Narcotics, Inebriety, Amnesia....................................................................... 128
Psychic Invalidism.......................................................................................................... 157
Orphans ........................................................................................................................... 175
Materialism and Indifference .......................................................................................... 190
Selfishness...................................................................................................................... 214
Orthodoxy....................................................................................................................... 244
Christian Science............................................................................................................. 277
Theosophy ....................................................................................................................... 301
Philosophy...................................................................................................................... 323
Conclusion...................................................................................................................... 350
 
beautifulsorrow said:
Why do you think you were getting those thoughts in the beginning?
Hi beautifulsorrow.:)

I have no idea. I have a great family, live in a decent area, and have people who care for me. The human mind is an enigma in the truest sense of the word. Even psychiatrists say that with all of the study put into the brain, ultimately they have no idea why it functions the way it does. I guess it was just the cards I was dealt.
 
LoneKiller said:
beautifulsorrow said:
Why do you think you were getting those thoughts in the beginning?
Hi beautifulsorrow.:)

I have no idea. I have a great family, live in a decent area, and have people who care for me. The human mind is an enigma in the truest sense of the word. Even psychiatrists say that with all of the study put into the brain, ultimately they have no idea why it functions the way it does. I guess it was just the cards I was dealt.

hello : )
I read that if someone has OCD or some other things they may have intrusive thoughts that could be of a disturbing nature.
 
beautifulsorrow said:
LoneKiller said:
beautifulsorrow said:
Why do you think you were getting those thoughts in the beginning?
Hi beautifulsorrow.:)

I have no idea. I have a great family, live in a decent area, and have people who care for me. The human mind is an enigma in the truest sense of the word. Even psychiatrists say that with all of the study put into the brain, ultimately they have no idea why it functions the way it does. I guess it was just the cards I was dealt.

hello : )
I read that if someone has OCD or some other things they may have intrusive thoughts that could be of a disturbing nature.
Hi beautifulsorrow.:) Really? I didn't know that. That's interesting actually.
 
wow jason...quite an amazing story of rock bottom to right as rain...not to mention very brave of you to put yourself 'out there'...congratulations on your continued success...:)
 
DVEEUS said:
wow jason...quite an amazing story of rock bottom to right as rain...not to mention very brave of you to put yourself 'out there'...congratulations on your continued success...:)
Thank you for those kind words DVEEUS. Thank all of you for the kind posts. Welcome to the forum DVEEUS.
 

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